To tell or not to tell, that is the question

[puppeteer]

I wouldn't tell. Its done & theres nothing I can do about it. What good would it do me if he left me?!

Selfish? I know, just being honest, though.

 

wow...this is just wretched....

[honeyson]

I have created a huge mess in my life (See post: A Huge mess) and after all the pain I had caused, after all that has happened in my life, I can only say, that the Truth really sets one free.

 

I have told my wife everything. Of course she was devastated and seeing her pain, made me realize what a huge mistake I made.

 

Yes we had problems, which led me down that road, but I realize that there is no excuses. If you remain honest, you will not be confronted with choices like "Should I cheat or not"

 

If you do cheat, and do not tell your spouse or partner, you are just creating a blanket of ignorance in which you entangle yourself even more.

 

It brings about feelings of so much guilt and despair. I understand that some people willingly cheat on their spouses, cause of hurt in the relationship, or bitterness due to abuse etc. But to spite someone is also not the answer.

 

In my case, I was lonely, severly depressed and battled my whole life long with the issues of being severy abused as a child. When this other woman showed some interest in me, and supported me, I am ashamed to say I fell for it.

 

This went on for 8 months on the internet before I met her for the first time.

Please read my post to see where Affairs lead you to.

 

I am extremely sorry for the mess I had caused and I know that there was absolutely NO chance of rectifying it, had I NOT told my wife EVERYTHING.

 

In my case, the truth really has set me free.

[kittysaysmeow]

wow...this is just wretched....

 

That is just her opinion. There no right or wrong here even though you might think otherwise.

[kittysaysmeow]

I agree that cheating is never a good sign. I personally wouldn't cheat on my SO and then continue on with the relationship (I will never cheat again).

 

That said, I don't think I would tell them about the cheating when I break up with them either. I agree that cheating is selfish, but I think it's even more selfish to to break up with someone then tell them that you cheated. Not only are you hurting them by breaking up but now you're also trying to make yourself feel better because you feel guilty? If you cheat you should feel bad, not make your SO feel worst.

[yeawutever]

If I got cheated by my b/f, I would only want to know if it was serious, if it involve sex or the other kinds of sexual acts. If it was a one time kiss/making-out, I prefer not to know anything about it, I guess the only time would not to know about that is if he continue to do it many times or plan on ending it.

[kittysaysmeow]

If I got cheated by my b/f, I would only want to know if it was serious, if it involve sex or the other kinds of sexual acts. If it was a one time kiss/making-out, I prefer not to know anything about it, I guess the only time would not to know about that is if he continue to do it many times or plan on ending it.

 

I have to disagree with you. Cheating is cheating and I don't think there are varying degrees of it. What's the difference between sex and making out? Seriously...I would consider kissing more intimate than sex any day.

[amtjrtcet]

I have never cheated on a SO, but if I did, I would not tell them. All telling the truth is going to do is sabotage the relationship. Now if the cheating turns into a prolonged situation then I dont believe that you should be in the relationship in the first place but people always rationalize why the remain in the relationship and still cheat.

 

I agree with Day Walker

[puppeteer]

I have never cheated on a SO, but if I did, I would not tell them. All telling the truth is going to do is sabotage the relationship. Now if the cheating turns into a prolonged situation then I dont believe that you should be in the relationship in the first place but people always rationalize why the remain in the relationship and still cheat.

 

I agree with Day Walker

 

 

if you cheat...there is no relationship to sabotage. all you are doing is trying to avoid the consequences of what you did...

 

by cheating...you have taken care of ending the relationship. if you don't respect your SO to tell them what you did, you are only trying to prevent them from making an informed decision about you and their continued relationship with you.

 

the fact that some of you cannot grasp this concept is infuriating....

[RayKay]

I like Hope have heard both sides of the coin. My feelings on this have been divided over time, but I lean towards telling the truth now.

 

I absolutely would NOT cheat on my partner. It's a choice to do so and I choose not to! And yes, I can definitely say I can say no even if the opportunity was there, because opportunity or not it is a choice one makes. Having seen what it does, and also being committed to my partner good and bad...I know it is not something I can, or would do.

 

That being said I can see why people don't want to tell...I can also see why telling is something that can hurt the other too.

 

My opinion (and yes I have been cheated on) is that your partner deserves to know so they can make THEIR decision about whether they want to stay. If you don't tell, you are allowing in my opinion for them to continue living a falsehood, and believe a lie about what they are agreeing to. Sure the truth hurts. It also IS the truth, and I would rather be able to know what I was dealing with then being blindly led along in a lie.

 

Of course they advise you to not tell if you want to keep the relationship...because they know that way you don't own up, the partner never knows the difference and they don't leave and you can continue on "merrily" as if it never happened! That does not mean it is right for your partner, or the relationship.

 

Maybe they will walk away. Maybe not - not all people do, and if you truly are sorry for it, and they are prepared to work through it with you and you are as well, maybe you can learn from it and recover. But I think one should still have the option of knowing the truth.

 

 

If you are NOT going to tell, I really think you should end the relationship anyway because not only did you cheat...but you are also lying to them everyday.

[yeawutever]

I have to disagree with you. Cheating is cheating and I don't think there are varying degrees of it. What's the difference between sex and making out? Seriously...I would consider kissing more intimate than sex any day.

 

True cheating is cheating, but with kissing/amking-out is not something as serious as intercourse or the other sex acts (oral, anal, fonding, fingering and well you you what I mean) that would put you at risk of you catching a disease and besides that's really serious.

 

I can understand kissing/making-out (nope I'm not excusing that by the way, it's still wrong) as a mistake but way more than that where you're sharing your body with someone else other than your SO, ewwwwww.

 

Thus if it's sexual acts or sex I definitely want to know about it right away so I can dump him and put salt on his nose. Now if he actually told me he kissed/make-out with someone else lol off course I'm dump him still.

[KSpang]

My brother's wife cheated on him with god knows how many guys... I can honestly say that it hurt more because she tried to hide it. If she had been honest, my brother and the rest of the family wouldn't have felt blindsided when he began to uncover the truth. The shock of digging up so much dirt over the past year on his own made it that much more difficult to deal with.

 

I would tell my husband if I ever did anything against him. I would rather hurt him upfront and spare him the added pain of lies and deceit.