And I was doing so well...

[ladyeve]

I'm really impressed, AMG. As long as you do what you feel is right, no one should second guess you for keeping your heart open. Good luck!

[AnonymousMG]

Thanks ladyeve, I know I said it before, but I feel it was one of the most important parts of what has happened in the past couple days, in the car she said that she was 'so confused about what she wants'. Though other people have said that just sounds like an excuse, she is genuine about it, and I believe that she truly doesn't know what she wants right now. It may take her a long time to figure that out, but up until this point I've worked on myself enough to be in a state where I can wait and it isn't torture. I'm just trying to have faith that things will work out alright in the end one way or another. It's tough be the past couple days helped. I was worried that she had stopped thinking about me and that obviously isn't the case.

 

Also, as expected she called me and told me that she didnt know if she was going to run today. I don't know if that is because shes sore, tired, or because she doesn't want to see me for any reason, but I'm not going to try to read into it because it really could be any of those things and I have no way of knowing. If I try and figure it out I'll just overthink things again. My most important goal right now is to stay strong for myself, and not let this break me down, and so-far I've been doing well with that.

-AMG

[AnonymousMG]

Well the past few days have been a little tough because a lot of things over teh holidays are reminding me of her, including her. Based on what has happened recently I couldn't help but get hopeful that things could change, but I am telling myself that it is just because our (would be) anniversary and christmas are passing and that is making her think about things. Though this may change things, I know that it would only be temporary until things pass then things might fall apart. For those reasons, I am trying not to get my hopes up. There is no doubt in my mind that she has been thinking about me. She called me yesterday afternoon, and twice today. She also said that she would talk to me later and she would probably go online. I know that people will say that I'm making this easier for her, but I don't want her to suffer. Me making her miserable will in no way bring her back to me, and if it does, it would only be for her to get rid of the pain I put her in. If things are going to work out between us again, it needs to be genuine, and not because of any outside influences. All I know is that making her feel better in the car the other night was the best feeling I've had in a while. I know that is dangerous to me, but I am staying rational about this, I'm not lying to myself at all. Just a couple days of thought that I've been holding up and wanted to let out. I hope that everybody is having a great holiday, and that things are working out well for them.

-AMG

[ladyeve]

Stay genuine, AMG! We're all pulling for you, no matter what you choose to do.

[AnonymousMG]

Thanks ladyeve, everybody has been a great help through this so-far, especially you. I really appreciate it. It's so hard knowing that I want (note that isn't need) her back so much, but not knowing what her motives are for her recent actions is really difficult for me. I know that I can't show her how much this is effecting me because if she is going to want to be with me again, she needs to see the happy, confident me that she was in love with. Also, I don't want anything to be out of sympathy or anything related to what I want. If things are going to work out between us, I need her to want to be with me for herself. I think that for now, even though it may end up hurting me in the end, I want to be there for her over the holidays, even if she's just being this way because its tough for her, I still care about her and I don't like seeing her hurt. In the brief amount of time that we talked about what happened, I mentioned that I'm trying to have faith that if things are meant to be between us, that somehow they will work out that way, but keeping that faith isn't always easy. She responded by saying "i have a lot of faith in that". So that could mean any number of things both 'good' and 'bad', so I'm not going to try to read into it at all. I'm making sure that I look at everything objectively, and that I don't try to make things into something that they aren't. Thank you again to everybody on this forum, I would likely be in a mess right now without you.

-AMG

[AnonymousMG]

Well we've been in touch frequently the past few days, and tonight she had a few friends over to play games and hang out. After everybody left, I stayed and talked to her for a while we ended up talking about what had happened and what is happeneing now. She told me that she ended up telling the other guy that she had feelings for him, and he didnt say anything, and showed her a picture of his pet cat. She said 'so i guess it just wasn't meant to be, i'll get over it' . She told me that she feels like she has two worlds with two different love lives and she feels like a different person when she's at school than when she's at home. She clarified after that ('but im not seeing anybody'). She said that she didn't want to rush into anything, and she never specifically said anything about wanting to be with me, but her overall actions the whole night leaned that way. Of course like she said she feels like two different people depending on where she is, so I don't plan on getting into anything regardless of what she says until she gets back to school again and has time to think things through the rest of the way. She hugged me twice when I was leaving and we talked about getting together to do something tomorrow. So things look like they might be going well, but at this point I'm attributing everything to the fact that she's home and its the holidays, I have no way of knowing how she's going to feel after all of this is over. I'm in a good state of mind right now though, I'm hopeful about it, but I am ready (i think) for things not working out too.

-AMG

[ladyeve]

A picture of his pet cat? How bizarre? You're being very mature about everything, AMG. I would have made serious fun of the other guy in front her, which would not be a good move.

 

Hang in there, and have a good New Year's Eve!

[kellbell]

Hey there,

" but I don't want her to suffer."

 

I hate sound callous but if she is suffering, it is her own doing. She needs to deal with the consquences of breaking up with you, for another man no less. By you hanging her like you have is not showing her or making her realize what she has done, how she has hurt you. You are showing her it is okay to stomp your heart, there are no reprocussions of doing so. She knows you are going to be there no matter what, whose to say she will not do this again to you? She is showing you pictures of HIS CAT?? Wow, that's classy.

 

I am so sorry to say, if she truly loved you and wanted to be with you, she would have never broken up with you in the first place. Right now you are her safety blanket, her backup plan. I believe you deserve so much more than that. Treat yourself right.

 

Hang in there.

[AnonymousMG]

No, he showed her pictures of his cat when she told him she had feelings for him. Also, she does realize what she's done, I did NC for about 2 weeks. While talking to her she has apologized more times than anything, I know that what I'm doing seems wrong, but I'm not doing it out of desperation, and it feels like the right thing to do. I'm not assuming anything at this point, and whatever happens, I'm going to make sure that I'm not just walking into getting hurt again. I don't mean to shut down your advice, but I've thought all of those things through already and I don't think that is what is happening. I could be wrong, and I'm ready for that, but for now I want to see how this plays out.

-AMG

[kellbell]

It is natural to defend her and it is understandable.

"Also, she does realize what she's done,"

 

I am sorry, I have to disagree with this statement. If she did, she would have left you the heck alone OR she would be trying like heck to repair the damage NOW. Apologizing is futile unless there are actions to back it up. Texting and going shopping to me is not showing you she is sorry and wants to get back together. To me, it is avoiding the issue and acting as if nothing had happened.

 

Friend, I see you getting very hurt. I don't want that. And I am sorry for misreading your post about the pictures of his cat.

 

Let me ask you something, is she still in contact with this other guy?

[ladyeve]

kellbell, I believe you're being very supportive and trying to help AMG. We all are. However, he's an adult, and we should support his choices. He knows himself and the situation best.

 

People make mistakes. That's just a fact. It's how we deal with our mistakes that shows our character and helps us strengthen our character. AMG and the girl are still in college, so they'll continue to grow like this.

 

AMG: Continue to vent here if you need to. Good luck!

[kellbell]

Of course I believe MG is an adult and can make decisions but I have been on this forum over a year and have seen this situation over and over and over again and have yet to see anything positive come out of these situations.

 

I am supportive of him but at the same time, I just don't like to see people being taken advantage of, intentional or not. And I see this happening here. Guard your heart, that is the bottom line of what I am trying to say.

[AnonymousMG]

She isn't in contact with him at all from what I can tell right now. I haven't asked her directly, but from what she told me last night she seems like she is pretty much done with him. I know that this is likely to change when she gets back to school after break, so I don't know what will happen then.

 

On the topic of her doing something to change things if she wanted to get back together, in her mind I dont think that she ever really let go of our relationship. She says that she's really confused, and I believe her, I can tell when she's trying to hide something and she isn't when she says that. She isn't trying to hurt me, and she didn't break up with me to be with him as much as she did because she felt guilty thinking about him while she was with me. I know that is almost the same thing, but I know how her mind works, and it isn't as bad as it sounds.

 

I know a lot of people think I'm crazy, and they're right to think that, because I'm taking a big risk doing this, but it's worth it to me. I'm prepared to have this end up in a big fall, but it might not end that way, it might end with us together again, and if it does, it's worth it to me. She made the decision to break up with me on an impulse, it wasn't something that she thought through all the way, so it may have been a mistake, and I'm willing to wait things out and see if that is the case. Thank you for all of your support, and no hard feelings about anything you say against what my opinions are, I know that you're trying to help, and I appreciate every type of input that I get regarding this situation. Sometimes I do need a reality check on things, but for now I think I have it under control.

-AMG

[kellbell]

MG,

 

Don't be a stranger here and let us know how things are going, 'kay?

[AnonymousMG]

Thanks, I will. I just talked to her for a little bit online, and she still seems confused. She told me that she can't think about the future because she gets too overwhelmed. I asked her if what she had said at one point about us maybe getting back together in the future was still true, and she said she doesnt know, sometimes she thinks about it and thinks that it would work out, but she wants to just let things go and see what happens. She told me that she doesn't want to lead me on, and if somebody comes along and I fall for her, not to stop on her account. I guess I was wrong, and I thought I had prepared myself for this but I wasn't as ready as I thought I was. I'm still having a tough time getting through this, I care about her a lot and at this point I don't even know what to do. I don't want to do NC again, it was incredibly painful the first time. I have a feeling that once she gets back to school again she's just going to forget about me entirely. I don't regret anything that I've done, except for believing that I was stronger than I am. I don't hold any of this against her, she isn't trying to hurt me. She said that she loves being around me, and I can tell that she's happy when she's with me, but I read into things too much and the wrong way. I need to be more careful from now on. I'm not going to cancel any plans or avoid her or anything, I'm going to keep on doing what I've been doing for a while and see what happens, just like she said. I know that I'm going to get yelled at for doing this by people on here, but it is worth it to me. I guess some things just aren't meant to be...

[kellbell]

Hey MG,

 

I am not gonna yell at ya. LOL I do not feel your ex is a monster either. The situation that is happening between the two of you is very normal and common. But the points I was trying to make, was when someone breaks up with his/her partner, he/she needs to deal with their choices of ending the relationship and show the respect and courtesy of the dumpee's space and time. The dumper cannot have it both ways. And that is what I am seeing with your ex. To me, that is incrediably unfair to you.

 

I understand NC was very painful for you. It usually is in the very beginning. I like to call it "emotional detoxing." And detoxing hurts. Physically, mentally, emotionally. It is very difficult to make the changes and adjust. Getting out that comfortzone commonly makes people panic.

 

You seem to be okay with what has happened. It is ultimately up to you whether or not you want to wait while she figures things out.

 

Hang in there.

[AnonymousMG]

I don't feel ok about what happened in a sense that I still feel that I love her. I am not being around her just because she's asking me to, I enjoy her company. I know that a lot of it may be that I'm tricking myself into believing that things are something more than they are, but I can't help it.

 

I don't want to make things awkward for us or our friends, so if I start NC again, it won't be until after she goes back to school, but right now I don't feel like that is the right option.

 

Last year was my freshman year at college, and I know how it is about being busy and not thinking about the relationship all the time. I never got to the point of thinking about another person, but I got sidetracked plenty of times and forgot to call her a few times, but nothing major. I think that what has happened with her might be something similar but she is experiencing it on a much higher level. I have a car so I was able to travel back and forth to see her frequently while she doesn't. Also, my school is mostly commuters so the weekends are pretty dead, in her case, almost everybody stays on the weekend so there is a lot more to do to keep her busy.

 

I have a very empathetic personality, and I know her very well, so I think I see her side of things pretty clearly. You mentioned that I seem to be ok with what happened; I am in the sense that I'm not mad at her, because I understand why she did it, she wasn't trying to hurt me, and I have no reason to have hard feelings against her for it. However, I do wish to be with her again with the strongest of my desires.

 

Right now there really is no way of knowing how its going to turn out, and I've said it before but thats what it comes down to in the end. This whole thing is just a big bunch of circles, no matter what direction I start off in, I end up here, not knowing whats going to happen, but wanting to be with her. I guess time is really the only thing that I know for sure, and I'll have to let things play out.

 

I feel like I am consistently going through phases of feeling hopeful then hopeless, and it really sucks when I feel hopeless, but things soon turn back around and I find myself feeling hopeful more than hopeless. I trust that time will heal what wounds have been made, and that somehow things are going to be ok in the end. I wish I could say right now that it will be with the two of us being together again, but that may not be the case.

 

If we get back together again, theres no way of knowing if it will last or not. I think that may be part of what is confusing her too, any thoughts that she has about being with me again might be overshadowed by her fear to hurt me again. She has said that she has difficulty thinking about the future lately, and that would make it difficult. Getting back into what was a long term relationship isn't the same as getting back together with somebody that you were only with for a short amount of time. I imagine she's feeling quite a bit of pressure that getting back together with me would have to be forever, and she would have to be sure of what she wanted before she made a decision. I know that it would be painful to me if things didn't work out again, but "trying again" in my mind is the only way to know if things will or will not work out. If we did try being together again, I would be in a position to be hurt, but I would be aware of that. I believe that I am stable enough to keep that in check and not make myself believe that everything would be back to "normal", while not letting that interfere with how I express myself towards her. I feel as though that may be a little confusing to understand. What I'm trying to say is that I feel I would be able to balance my weariness that things may not last with my love for her enough that I would be able to have a full relationship, but if things didn't work out, it wouldn't be as much of an impact on me as it was the first time.

 

At this point I feel like I'm starting to ramble so I'm sorry if any of that is hard to follow, it helps to just sit and let everything in my mind out. Thank you again for all the support, I don't know how I would be getting through this without this website.

-AMG

 

P.S. I am possibly going out with her tomorrow to the mall or something, so hopefully that goes well.

[kellbell]

Hey there MG,

 

"I don't feel ok about what happened in a sense that I still feel that I love her."

 

I guess I meant to write that you feel okay about how you have been handling things with your ex these last few weeks.

[AnonymousMG]

That makes sense, I figured you meant something like that but I figured I would mention it anyway, thanks.

-AMG

[kellbell]

Are you all still going snow tubing?

[AnonymousMG]

Yup, thats next weekend. This weekend is the new years party at my friend's house, and the tubing thing is the saturday after that. I think that both of those things will go well, I want to try and spend as much time with her as possible without forcing myself into her life so that once she gets back to school she has something positive to remember me by. I doubt that it will have any effect on the overall situation, but it will make me feel like I'm doing something at least, and I guess that's a good thing.

[kellbell]

Cool, I would just be yourself and try to relax. I know you share all the same friends but I would try to keep your distance. Be cool but a teeny aloof. Ya know?

 

I am sure you will be okay. These sound like really fun things to do. I hope things go well. I expect a full report. LOL j/k.

[AnonymousMG]

haha thats what I was planning on doing, I also might be seeing her today like I mentioned in one of my previous posts, but that would just be the two of us, so I'm not sure how that will go, but I don't plan on bringing up the situation unless she does. She told me yesterday "I love spending time with you, i really love it" while we were talking online, and I'm not interpreting that as anything more than what it literally means.

 

I think that one of the most difficult parts of this whole situation is that there was no big argument or blow out, neither of us are mad at the other, so it's not easy to grasp that we're really broken up I guess. I don't know how to act around her as just friends, and I dont think she does either towards me. If she is doing anything to "lead me on" I think that it is purely coincidental that is just how she is used to acting around me. From what I've read on other threads on this site, if she wants to get back together, she won't just hint at it, she would come out and say it so I just need to make sure that I don't take anything the wrong way. It's really difficult doing that because what I want is what I could see things as, so I have to convince myself that it's just my desires distorting the truth. As tough as it is, and as much as I've let myself get my hopes up recently, I think I've been doing pretty well on that side of things. I know that I could be doing a lot worse and could be hanging on every word that comes out of her mouth. Thanks for your support, I truly appreciate it

[kellbell]

Hey no problem. Good luck today.

[AnonymousMG]

Well tonight went well as far as how I acted but in terms of how I felt, things were a little shaky. We ended up not going shopping, one of our friends invited both of us to her house to play cards so we wound up doing that instead. One of the things that I haven't mentioned before is that our two best friends started dating around the same time that we did. So the combination of seeing them together, seeing her, and not being with her is a little tough on me. We rescheduled our plans to go out until tomorrow, so that is still happening. Overall I guess the night went fairly well... except for the fact that I found out I am terrible at poker but that's an acceptable loss in this situation

-AMG