And I was doing so well...

[AnonymousMG]

my last topic can be found here:

 

Basics:

Together: almost 4 years

Broken up: about a month and a half

NC: about a week and a half

 

Since I started NC, I've been feeling great. I started running again, and that has helped me manage things a lot better. I have felt the urge to talk to her, or somehow break NC, but I have always resisted. I even felt like I was ready to try and talk to her without it hurting me. The reasons for me doing this were to break the ice before I see her on New Years. I feel that it would be more awkward to see her after Christmas having not said "Merry Christmas" to her than it would be to just see her out of the blue on New Years.

 

Today would have been our 4 year anniversary, and Christmas was always my favorite time of year with her. In the past few hours, I have felt progressivly worse. I can't help but think about her and it's really tempting to find a picture of her just to look at her again. Is it normal that I'm feeling this way? This doesn't seem like it's going to be a very good few weeks coming up here.

 

While in my best state of mind, I made the decisions to send her a text on Christmas, near the end of the day saying simply "Merry Christmas" and nothing else, and to not respond to any reply that I received. I also planned on after seeing her at the New Years party, to re-invite her to go snow tubing with our friends the following weekend. I was going to make the final decision about that at the party, and if I felt like I wouldn't be able to handle it, I wasn't going to invite her to the tubing trip. I think I might have overestimated how well I was doing, but those choices still make sense to me. I am not doing those things to try and get with her again, I know that if that is going to happen, it is beyond anything I can do, and it will happen regardless of my actions if that is what the future holds. I have even gotten to the point that I can honestly tell myself that I don't NEED her, I just WANT her.

 

I'm not sure what has helped me feel better more, whether its the running or the NC, but I think it may be a little of both. I'm still debating going LC through the holiday season at least to make it easier on our friends, I don't want to put them in a position where they have to choose between the two of us. I am confident that I will be able to hold strong if I'm around her so that I don't make things awkward that way instead. Either way, if I break NC, it will be to say "Merry Christmas" in a text message, so until then I am not making any decisions. I know not to do anything different while I'm in this state of mind anyway because I would probably regret it later.

 

Alright, I'm getting tired and I feel like I'm starting to ramble so thats it for now. I'll probably be back later on today to vent about how I'm feeling some more.

-AMG

[whenamansloveisreal]

u know what - i would think its best that both do what's best for u right now - this should really be something comfortable for u

 

some people think that the dumper doesn't hurt as much as the dumpee because its the dumpee that is running around like a headless chicken but people must remember the person that dumped had too - so, that's pretty strong stuff.

 

the way i see it is this - of course, if i could be snuggling with my ex right now i would be but this is about regaing a foothold in trust so the focus is on u and u dictate the pace and things like that - as for friends and family - i am totally pro man! i can handle anything. so, for me, this is already a great thing - and makes me want to work harder on the things i am doing now

 

thank u

merry christmas

booboo

[AnonymousMG]

I'm not sure I understand what you were trying to say with some of that, but thanks.

[ladyeve]

I have even gotten to the point that I can honestly tell myself that I don't NEED her, I just WANT her.

 

 

-AMG

 

I know what you mean. It breaks my heart to read that.

 

If you truly truly truly think and feel you no longer need her, then do LC. But personally I really don't think a week and a half of NC and a month and a half post-breakup after a 4 year relationship is long enough. But that's just my opinion. You're the grown-up here. Maybe sit on the texting a little longer?

[ladyeve]

No offense, but your reason for LC is kind of contrived. Why would your friends care if you do NC or not? It's not like they broke up with you and have to do NC with the two of you. They're free to contact her or you. You need to think about yourself first and foremost. Your friends can take care of themselves, even when things can be awkward. I'd take awkward over heartbreak any day.

[AnonymousMG]

I don't know what's right... it is driving me crazy not talking to her, so idk if LC is going to put me back where I started... right now, I am finding myself thinking about everything that I'm not supposed to think about anymore. I keep wondering if she even misses me, if she even realizes that today would have been 4 yearsif she is with somebody else but hasn't put it on facebook, if the reason she didnt put it on facebook is me... I just don't know, it's driving me crazy again/still... I can rationally tell myself that she isn't coming back to me for so many reasons, but I still keep hoping that some miracle is going to happen and that things are going to work out somehow. I feel so close to breaking NC, this is worse than when I first started... I was debating seeing if she wanted to go for a run sometime in the next week, we both run, and we'll both be home from school for christmas break... just to talk again and catch up on things, but I dont want it to seem like I'm trying to get with her again. I understand that I have no power over that... I just feel overwhelmed again...

[AnonymousMG]

I suppose that makes sense, and no offense taken, I still am thinking about doing LC, but I don't know if that's what right for me. I think it might be what I need to do to get through the holidays even if it puts me back in the overall picture...

[ladyeve]

Hon, you're not ready.

 

I'm not trying to be mean here. If it helps, let me say that I'm not ready either, even though I've told myself "I don't NEED him anymore, I just WANT him." Give it more time.

 

If it's any consolation, I doubt she's with anyone right now. If she is, it would be a rebound in 99% of the cases. It won't last long. Don't worry! Trust the universe and time on this one. And of course she misses you!!! After 4 years?! If she doesn't she's an android, not a person. You don't want to be with an android, do you? Or do you?!

 

Chin up, go for that run (without her)! You'll feel better soon.

[Trab]

Hey! Seh dumped you! Let her sms you Merry Christmas! STAY STONE COLD! DONT DESTROY 1.5 WEEKS OF SILENCE NOW!

[AnonymousMG]

ladyeve: the reason that I think that she might be with somebody else is because that was part of hte reason she left me. She had been thinking about another guy while she was with me. Note: she never acted on the thoughts, and I'm still not even sure if he knows about her feelings or not, as of a week and a half ago, he didn't. Also, this "wasnt the main reason" that she broke up with me according to her, she said the biggest thing was that she needed time alone.

 

Trab: The thing that I am worried about after that however is if she doesn't send me a message, (not because im going to be hurt that she doesn,t im not expecting one), but if she doesn't, then when I see her on New Years, am I supposed to say it then instead? There are a lot of different reasons and thoughts going into this decision, and I can't even get them straight in my own head yet... anyway, it's time for me to go for a run. Hopefully that will help me clear my head...

[AnonymousMG]

I just thought of another instance that it's likely I'll run into her. The thursday after New Years, there is a track meet for our high school. Alumni of the team almost always go to watch the meets that take place over Christmas break, so there is a good chance that I'll see her there. This is not something that I would be going just to see her, I've been planning on going the whole time and the fact that she might be there just came accross my mind.

[Trab]

Why wish her a MErry Christmas if you don't mean it? Surely you don't want her to me happy this soon after your break up? You can aonly think about you now, and thats ok! NC IS THE ONLY WAY!

Read this! Go to page 1 though

 

 

[ladyeve]

ladyeve: the reason that I think that she might be with somebody else is because that was part of hte reason she left me. She had been thinking about another guy while she was with me. Note: she never acted on the thoughts, and I'm still not even sure if he knows about her feelings or not, as of a week and a half ago, he didn't. Also, this "wasnt the main reason" that she broke up with me according to her, she said the biggest thing was that she needed time alone.

 

I'm sorry MG about your break up. People can be so contradictory: they want to be with someone and they also want to be alone. It's classic human nature stuff. There's no point fighting human nature, is there? We can only take care of ourselves.

 

I'm in the same boat. Even though my ex fiance and I are older than the two of you, we still went through the same drama. It's so sad.

 

I'm sure she's sad too, especially after 4 years. But sadness is not enough to bring the two of you together. If it did, it's not the good kind of love anyway. Give yourselves lots of time to be apart. People do get back together, and often stay together especially if they were apart for a long time (1 year or more) and had a chance to grow separately. I personally know two such couples in my social circles! They're also older than you though...but you also have more time than they in finding a good mate...so it all works out in the end!

 

As for the track meet, you really have to be strong! I know how hard that's going to be. You have every right to be there if you so choose and so does she. But right now you're both too vulnerable to create anything positive in your relationship. So stay away from each other! If you see her be polite but not too friendly - say "hello" at the start and "bye, take care" at the end. Try and spend as much time as possible with other people. Just in case she asks you questions that might break you emotionally, study majord's "the perfect plan" and be prepared to walk away from the event with dignity, self-control (hence power) and hope!

[AnonymousMG]

Trab: I do want her to be happy, I don't hate her and I'm not mad at her. Thanks for the link though, I'll check that out.

 

ladyeve: I am confident in my ability to stay strong in her presense, I feel much better after just running. Physical activity really is one of the best coping mechanisms that I've come accross, and I recommend it to anybody having trouble dealing with anything at all. I feel that rather than distance myself from her, I will likely have no choice but to be near her (once again, we have all the same friends), but I still feel that I will be able to handle that fine. I know that if I stay strong, and don't break in her presense it is for the best both for me, and for our relationship. I was in rough shape earlier today, but now I feel much better (for now at least). I am not going to break NC yet, and if I do it will still just be to say "Merry Christmas" in a text message and nothing more. I also now realize that I will have both the New Years party, and the track meet to gauge how well I can handle being around her. If I do well then, I plan on asking her if she wants to go on the tubing trip again. I don't want to exclude her from our circle of friends, and if I can handle things well enough, I feel that it might help me even. I just briefly skimmed over the perfect plan thread and a lot of those things I've thought of doing myself already, so hopefully that means I'm on the right track. I have promised myself not to bring up the relationship or her relationship status in any way when in contact with her, and to not give her all the details about what i've been up to. I also was thinking more about the running situation, and wondering if I just brought it up as an aside that I started running again it wouldn't be awkward, then I would mention that if she wanted somebody to run with that I would be running at the high school in the mornings before work (which I already had planned to do) and that if she wants somebody to run with she could feel free to join me. This would be very early in the morning, and I don't expect her to do that at all, I don't even feel hopeful that she would come run with me, but that way if she did show up somehow, it would show that she really does care still. Basically my plan as of now is this:

1. NC until Christmas

2. on Christmas, a single text saying "Merry Christmas" at the end of the day (so it doesn't seem like I am really eager to tell her that)

3. See her at the New Years party, and regardless of what happens, no relationship talk, and stay strong the whole night. If I talk to her, I'll bring up that I've been running again, and that I am running early mornings at the school. Also, I'll try to see if she's planning on going to the meet on thursday night. If so, I dont bring up the tubing at all. If she isn't, then depending on how the night goes, I might bring up the tubing.

4. Any contact from her during the week, I don't answer the phone right away, and call back later (similar to in 'the perfect plan').

5. IF she shows up to run, I keep the conversation light, and make sure that I leave right after the run.

6. IF I see her at the meet and don't talk about anything but the meet itself, and how people are running. Possibly about the tubing trip if she is going to be going on it.

7. IF the tubing trip ends up involving her, I pay no special attention to her, and just have fun as the group of crazy friends that we all are.

8. Who knows what happens from there, but I'm not expecting her to come back to me, from that point possibly LC will be the best road to travel. I wouldn't start conversation with her for the most part, I would wait for her to start talking to me.

 

Does any of that make sense?

[ladyeve]

It's good to have a detailed plan of action. You sound like you're prepared. Be careful, and DO NOT expect anything. Set the bar really low so you won't be disappointed. For example, I would try to picture her coming to the event with another guy, someone you've never met before - could be the guy she has/had a crush on. Now they're acting all lovey dovey in front of you and all of your friends. How would you react in that situation? I know you'd say: She would never do that; she's better than that. But try to visualize that for a moment, would you be devastated? If you can mentally prepare for something like that, then I think you'll be fine.

 

Good luck! I wish I could see my ex at all these functions, especially during the holiday season. Alas, he's all the way accross the country. I guess it's for the best. Distance is good for healing.

[AnonymousMG]

I think that mentally it would put a hit on me, (I know that it won't happen because he lives 2.5 hours away, but anyway...) but I am confident that as much as it struck me mentally, I would be able to not show it. Also, I am not expecting anything at all, like you said I will be setting the bar really low. Anything you would change about my plan? or anything that seems like its a really bad idea for some reason?

[AnonymousMG]

well I've heard about the many stages of a breakup, and for the first time, I'm feeling angry about it. she left me because she said she 'needed time alone' and now shes trying to be with some guy that lives 2 hours away. granted they are together at school, but not any other time. she left me for a guy that she has known for a few months after knowing me for more than 4 years, that doesnt even begin to make sense. she led me on for a month telling me that she was still confused and that she didnt know what she wanted and i dont even know whether or not i should believe that or not, she tells me that shes being honest with me but how do i know anything anymore. she didnt even break up with me in person, she did it over the phone, did i really deserve that after almost 4 years? i hope that this guy cheats on her and makes her miserable, i want her to feel what shes put me through for the past month and a half. i hate love!

[AnonymousMG]

sorry... had to vent...

[ladyeve]

How about sending that Merry Christmas text to all your friends on your cell phone? That way, if she questions your motives you can say you did a mass texting.

 

I understand the anger. Nobody's perfect, not even your girl. However, if you really want to reconcile with her and make it last, you MUST forgive her for all the pain she's caused, all the lies or half truths she's told. You don't have to forget, but you must forgive, from the very core of your body and mind and heart, for you two to work again.

[AnonymousMG]

I have forgiven her for all of that, I dont know what made me feel that way last night but I just felt angry all the sudden. I know that she didn't do any of that to hurt me, it was difficult for her too. She felt like she was doing the right thing, that post really isn't like me... I don't know what got into me last night... I'm not worried about her questioning my motives either, she sent me one saying happy thanksgiving and we were broken up then. not in NC, but broken up nonetheless. I wish I could go run today but my training schedule has today as a day off and I don't want to ruin that. I'm trying to prepare myself for the worst. She is coming home today from college so for the next few weeks theres a pretty good chance of me seeing her around town. We don't live in a big town and theres pretty much just one mall in the area so if she still has christmas shopping to do like me, then who knows what's going to happen. Again, I'm not worried about her showing up with him because he lives 2 hours away so he wouldn't be here, but regardless... maybe I should get ready for that even though it seems impossible so that anything less won't bother me as much. Thanks for the post.

[AnonymousMG]

Well, ironically enough, a couple hours after I say that I need to be ready to see her around town, I saw her. I just got back from christmas shopping, and coincidentally all of my friends were there separately at the same time. Apparently I walked right by her and she thinks that I ignored her, because she talked to one of my friends and mentioned that to him. Afterwards, we all sat down in the food court and just talked about everything in general. I mentioned that I had started running again (though didn't say anything about her running with me). She said that my hair had gotten long, and I told her that hers was a different color (she recently dyed it). I felt fine the whole conversation, and didn't stare at her or anything. Nothing felt awkward at all, and the relationship was not brought up in conversation at all. Even after leaving the mall, I still feel fine about it, and I'm not depressed thinking about her. I feel pretty proud of myself for being this strong through seeing her unexpectedly like that. I think it was almost better for it to be unexpected than the New Years party being the first time I see her again, because that way I would have had time to overthink everything beforehand. This way I was thrown into the situation and had to go with everything as it happened. Where do things go from here? should I break NC and be friends with her again or go back to NC until christmas again? Also, I feel that I want to invite her to go to the snow tubing trip again because it was fun hanging out with all our friends today and it will be a similar situation that day. What is the best way to do this? I have an email newsletter that I sent to everybody last week formally inviting them to it, should I send that to her or would it be better to ask her in person? Also, if I send it to her, when should I send it? So many questions... Hopefully somebody can help me with them.

-AMG

[ladyeve]

Well, I would send the newsletter to her right away and preface it by saying something like "it was good seeing you and here's the invite I sent our friends. If you're interested let me know." It's a risky move but hey if she reacts badly it's not the end of the world. You only have to control how you react to the outcomes.

[planaorplanb]

"well I've heard about the many stages of a breakup, and for the first time, I'm feeling angry about it. she left me because she said she 'needed time alone' and now shes trying to be with some guy that lives 2 hours away. granted they are together at school, but not any other time. she left me for a guy that she has known for a few months after knowing me for more than 4 years, that doesnt even begin to make sense. she led me on for a month telling me that she was still confused and that she didnt know what she wanted and i dont even know whether or not i should believe that or not, she tells me that shes being honest with me but how do i know anything anymore. she didnt even break up with me in person, she did it over the phone, did i really deserve that after almost 4 years?"

 

u know when someone that has gone thru something extremely similiar to this and while reading the text and then suddenly u stop - i just did when the mention of another man with her then and now and previous text about an interest while being with her man - is something that really sets u back and pulls at yer heart when u have given and tried so hard. it totally wipes u out and changes yer mood and if that was me, i would not go to a party where my ex was with her new man - in fact, i never want to see that - it will always hurt me.

 

what a drag to read stuff like this.

[AnonymousMG]

I saw her again today by coincidence, (our best friends are a couple and we got together with each of them and all ended up being in the same place) I kept conversation light again and asked how she'd been and she said not good. I didn't push for any details at all. She kept saying that she was going christmas shopping and a while ago we had planned on going together, so I tried to see if she was trying to hint that she wanted me to go. She did, and we're going in about an hour. Hopefully that will go well. I'm making sure that I guard my heart, and I'm not taking anything as more than a sign of friendship. At this point it all feels like the right thing to do. NC for a week and a half gave me a new perspective on things even though it wasn't for that long, and I hope to keep that perspective through whatever happens now. I'm still not planning on initiating contact, that part will be up to her, and I won't expect anything.

 

ladyeve: thats just what I was planning on doing, even though I already saw her and talked to her about it today, I'm still going to send her that email.

 

planaorplanb: sorry it was a drag to read that, but things are looking better now. I don't have any specific hopes for the future, but it's been nice seeing her the past couple days.

 

-AMG

[AnonymousMG]

Well shopping went well from what I could tell. We kept things light the whole time we were out, and ended up grabbing a bite to eat too. On the way home she started crying and tried to hide it. I pretended that I didnt notice because I could tell she didnt want me to. Then when I dropped her off, she started crying again and I hugged her. We sat in her driveway and talked for about 45 minutes, and she said sorry about 1,000 times, and she said that she is so confused about what she wants and that she's having a really hard time with everything. At this point NC is pretty much broken, but it all feels like the right thing. I told her I've been doing well and she seems a bit taken back by that because I dont think it is what she expected. I'm not getting my hopes overly high about this because it could still go anywhere, but this contact with her has been good so-far I think. She told me that she's really glad we ran into each other at the mall, and we might run together tomorrow morning at some point. I'm not sure, it depends whether or not she calls me, and I'm not going to expect anything just to be safe. There's a good chance that she wont call and I'm ready for that. I don't really know if this is going anywhere, but I'm happy to be talking to her again. I know that a lot of people are going to tell me that I'm doing the wrong thing, but it feels right, and I'm going to stick it through for a while to see where it leads. I'm not going to allow myself to get hurt, so I feel that this is a safe move.

-AMG