The NC Kickoff Letter - A little help...

[EddieRentz]

Hey all

 

Let me start by saying that if I hadnt found this board a couple of weeks ago I would probably be an absolute wreck still... instead of just in pain. Thank you one and all for your insight, advice and support.

 

I have posted my situation a few times on here and really need to get true NC going, but it is proving impossible. There seems to be some reason for my ex to contact me almost everyday and unfortunately this doesnt look to be ending anytime before the end of the year.

 

I seem to remember seeing a few examples of letters that people have written to their exes letting them know they need to cut ties, but I cant find them now. I feel like it will never happen otherwise. That I will be stuck analyzing every cold sterile email and every strange "let me share something cute from our old life together" text message to death. I am sooooooo done with it. I fear the time between 930-1am because I dont know what I am going to get.

 

SO - I feel I need to convey my desire not to have anymore crumbs thrown at my feet so that I can really start to get truly healthy again, without the nightly fear and loathing. I mean, I dread those emails, but I am disappointed if they come late or not at all - what a mind***k!!!!

 

Any advice or input on how you or someone you have read a post from has initiated this would greatly help.

 

Thank you again to all!!!

[Boughs]

Just write her "I gotta stop talking to you so I can move on. We both must move on. No contacting is the best way to begin." Say you'll talk to her again sometime in the future... but don't expect it to be anytime soon.

 

Just go for it. People always say "If she abides/respects it, then it means she has respect for you." If she doesn't, then its just evidence. If she continues trying to contact you say "I asked you before to stop calling me." The more you tell her that, she'll eventually get upset/get the picture and move on.

 

Good luck

[friscodj]

Hey Eddie-

 

Congrats man. You reached a level of realization with your situation and are about to turn the corner on this.

 

I suggest you write it from the heart. Say what you are doing, what it means, why you are doing it, and how you feel about it without being overly sappy. I would also include your second and third paragraphs above. That is really good use of imagery and powerful. It will get your reason accross quite well I think.

 

I'd write it out to get yourself organized but if possible see her in person and tell her face-to-face. If the situation dictates otherwise due to distance or you feel sending a letter is best, do that.

 

Don't let the existence of these "reasons" dictate the situation here. Get this done ASAP for the both of you to know it is really over and really start healing. Communicate your feelings and predicated actions, then follow through, that is the most important part. Block emails, ignore messages, do what you need to do. You don't have to answer her call, you don't have to listen to the voice mail, you don't have to read the email, but curisoity will sure fight you for those rights. And social perceptions here, e.g., not returning her call is "rude", take seats at the back of the bus here, a bus you are driving...

[Boughs]

Definitely see her in person to initiate the NC. It adds more umph to it, and it helps create an ending point... as a note will just lead to "when will i see him again".

[whenamansloveisreal]

its this constant questioning of the past...i mean a few are ok...but 15 hours!

 

when will she ever just go bowling with me?

[blender]

It might be BEST for YOU, to not send a declaration of no contact, in form of a letter or email, or even calling to say it.. just start no contact for today, one day at a time.. No contact is difficult enough at first, so it's best to just make a deal with YOURSELF one day at a time to maintain no contact...

 

You have to ask yourself "WHY" you want to contact the ex to let her know that you will no longer have contact?

 

Is it because she has not respected any "boundaries" and just contacts you randomly as a "friend"? and this is proving to be emotionally exhausting for you?

 

OR

 

Is it because you "hope" to provoke some emotional response from the ex? That is NOT a good reason to announce "no contact"..

 

Believe me for your own sake, it's just better to start no contact, no calling, no explaining, no responding, just get busy with your own life... one day at a time...

 

If you do want to tell her you no longer want contact then keep the note simple, one or two lines.. then the less you say the better.. keep it simple, kind, and to the point..

[EddieRentz]

Blender, Boughs and Frisco

 

Thanks for the input!

 

The reason why I want to tell her about NC... and she just sent me another cold, sterile email about a gift that was dropped of at her apartment for me (which she is insisting on bringing out to my mother's house even though my office is 3 blocks away and I told her to leave it with her doorman because I have 2 assistants that could pick it up)... is that I cannot handle those emails or texts anymore.

 

I dont want to tell her that, but I really have my heart broken over and over again everytime she contacts me. I am doing really well otherwise - I got a new place, I met a great girl, my social life is back in order, my business has had many many things fall into place that had been stagnating for a while. In general I am beginning to feel like a whole new and improved person... and then I will get some email or text and it sets me back.

 

For example, 80% of the contact is about my mail, but then every so often, I get a request for career advice (I guess the "kindygartener" she left me for lacks the life experience) or a text telling me our dog did something really cute that she wishes I could see (at 1am no less - he is up,different time zome, why not tell him?).

 

It hurts and it brings the feelings of longing and dismay to the forefront of my mind. I am sure you could imagine the self control it took not to respond to the 1am dog text (it was a tuesday night - I am pretty sure it wasnt drunk dialing).

 

I have not initiated contact with her in 3 weeks... but she seems to have something new almost everyday. Innocuous usually, cold almost always and most hurtful of all (though this is probably very petit) never is there a salutation in the email - I dont think she has written my name once in any of this correspondance over the past few weeks. I am a very principaled person, this is hardest to get past.

 

I just feel that I will never get to even try to really move on unless I tell her to stop.

 

Maybe this is stupid, but I really want to preface it by saying that I have really been able to get to a good place mentally, emotionally and physically, that things are really falling into place for me on all fronts and that I have reconciled my thoughts on our relationship. That I have come to terms that up until the final month of our 7 years together, I was blessed with a great relationship that changed me for the better in innumerable ways. That I have been able to erase the ugliness, lies, betrayal and deceit of November from my memory and accept that what I had with her was great (though not without it's flaws), but it is over. More over, that I want to fully move forward with my life and an important part of that is not to have the good sullied or tarnished by the types of 5% friendship contact I have been receiving.

 

Now onto the big question.

 

Do I want her back?

Not quite sure. I dont want the lying, cheating, self centered, work-obsessed, "I think it's funny to be known as the drunk girl at the firm" person back in my life. I think that I would need to see a lot of change before I would even consider getting past November (she was a really horrible, horrible person to me that month - I wouldnt wish what she did on my worst enemy --> I thought the girl who cheated on me 2x the weekend I gave up Super Bowl tixx to spend time with or the one who cheated and then claimed she was raped were as bad as it could get... November set the bar higher).

 

Thanks for your thoughts guys!!