Completely Lost...

[spikespiegel]

I'm a first-time poster here, just trying to gain some insight into my current situation...

 

First I'll give the back story.

 

In September of 2005, I met the girl of my dreams. I'm normally not a mushy person or one that believes in fate or feelings of love at first sight, but the first time I laid eyes on her, I knew that we were right for each other, and that we could have a long future. We met through a mutual friend at my birthday party (her friend brought her along). Over the next month or so, we started talking more and more as friends, as there was a large group of us that would all go out and do things together. I asked her to go out by ourselves for the first time in the beginning of October, and things went great. We took it slow, getting to know each other, and soon after that we were inseparable.

 

We spent every day together, and if we didn't see each other we talked on the phone for hours. It was nice because we were both working only a couple of days a week for our fathers, and were both taking classes, so we had plenty of time to spend together for our first 7 months or so, and things were going great. We had professed our love for each other after only a few months, and were both very affectionate.

 

In May, we both started work at a new job together. It was nice because we got to see each other at work, and that made the crappy job more pleasant, but it was very different because we had spent the last 7 months just spending time together.

 

Things were still going very well until about mid-September this year, once the fall semester was in full swing. I started changing and didn't realize it until too late. Working full time and taking more than a full-time class load was taking its toll on me, and I was very stressed out. Looking back, I think that I unfortunately took out some of my stress on her, and am very regretful about that. Things just weren't the same through September and October. We still saw each other almost every day, and definitely talked every day and told each other we loved one another. We were still talking about the future, as she was planning on moving with me to another city so I can continue my schooling and graduate, even though she will have her degree in May. The stress of my time constraints was just too much during that time period I think. I would tell her things like I didn't want to talk on the phone because I just wanted to relax when I wasn't at work or school, or would just sit at home on the internet or wasting time doing other things when she wanted to see me. I was kind of harsh, telling her that I had more important things to do than hang out (referring to school, but still too harsh). Basically, as she has told me now, I made her feel like she was nothing to me with all these words. I haven't told everything I said, because I can't remember, but she says that for those two months, she was very depressed and thought lowly of herself because of the things I said. Knowing now how she felt, and the fact that she tried to tell me, makes me want to crawl under a rock and die. We kept saying that we needed to get back to how we were a few months ago, but I somehow never realized it was that big of a deal. I didn't notice my neglect for her.

 

Fast forward to the beginning of November, when she decided we needed NC for a few days to think things out. When we talked after about 4 days, she told me she couldn't take it anymore and we needed to break up. I managed to get her to give me another chance, to show her that I could change, but I didn't change over the next few weeks. We got into a couple more disagreements, and then had a big talk a few days after Thanksgiving about us, deciding maybe we shouldn't talk for a bit. We didn't talk for a week, and I made contact first, wanting to work things out, because I missed her horribly and love her more than I ever thought I could. But she did not want to work things out this time. She told me that we had to break up, because I did not change, and she was scared that if she took me back again that things would be the same. I was devastated, because I really thought that things were going to get better over Christmas break. She was supposed to fly to my hometown with me for 5 days to meet my family, then we would have spent our second Christmas together, and after the new year we were going to spend 6 days in New York City on vacation. I think if we could have made it through to those things we could have rekindled our relationship, and I suggested that to her, but she would not try again.

 

I have done everything wrong up until this point. I tried to call her, tried to get her to meet me in person to talk, texted her. I sent her roses. I sent her a sketch of her face that had been half completed forever, and she had been begging me to finish. (In response to those things, she said thank you, that the roses were beautiful and that she loved the sketch, and wished I would have done more of that in the last few months). We have had text conversations all but 2 days since she broke up with me, and she has initiated them almost as much as I have. For the first several days she would send me messages either with just a : ( , or a message saying how Christmas was going to be hard or how it was difficult for her to listen to Christmas carols, things like that. When I tried to ignore her texts one day, she asked why I didn't want to talk. We talked on the phone for about an hour 2 days after she broke up with me, and then yesterday we talked twice, once for about 1 1/4 hours, and the other time for about 20 minutes. The long conversation, we talked about us and our relationship and breakup a lot, the other time not at all.

 

She also keeps telling me how she doesn't want this either but she feels it is best right now, and how it is very difficult for her too. Also, she refuses to see me in person, BUT will text back and forth with me all day, or talk to me on the phone for an hour. Why is that??? She just says it will be too difficult for her to see me and won't elaborate...

 

Also, kind of a weird thing here too... I sent her the roses when I was out of town, when she was supposed to be with me. She texted me a thank you telling me that I wasn't making this easy for her and that the flowers were beautiful. We had a short text conversation before she told me that she just wanted to say thanks and that we shouldn't even be texting. So I stopped. Then, an hour and a half later, she texted me saying: : ( sorry. I asked why, and she said for telling me that we couldn't talk. Confusing, especially when she texted me that morning telling me to have a safe flight, and that she wished she was going with me.

 

So basically, I just wanted to get some opinions as far as what to do about the contact. She maintains that there is nothing I can do at the moment to get back together in any fashion, and doesn't even want to see me in person, but will text all day long. Do I just have to cut off contact? Also, any opinions as to why she is able to talk on the phone and text, but not see me in person?

 

I wish that she would let me have one more chance, because I really feel like things would be 200% better this time around. I have a new perspective on things, knowing what it's like without her This was the girl I was planning on marrying, I was planning on proposing within a few months here...

 

Also, we still work together. We don't have to see each other, which is good, but just knowing that she is there at the same time I am is almost too much to bear at this point... any advice on that?

 

BTW I am 24, and she is 22.

 

Sorry this was so long, any help would be greatly appreciated.

[Trab]

Dude! I'm no expert, but as long as there's converstaion, there's a way. Maybe you really have to change your ways, if you really love her. It seems like you haven't really broken up yet. It's your call really. Sorry if anybody disagress with me. I'm very optimistica, and honestly think you can fix this. Let me think about how though

[whenamansloveisreal]

"things when she wanted to see me. I was kind of harsh, telling her that I had more important things to do than hang out (referring to school, but still too harsh). Basically, as she has told me now, I made her feel like she was nothing to me with all these words. I haven't told everything I said, because I can't remember, but she says that for those two months, she was very depressed and thought lowly of herself because of the things I said. Knowing now how she felt, and the fact that she tried to tell me, makes me want to crawl under a rock and die. We kept saying that we needed to get back to how we were a few months ago, but I somehow never realized it was that big of a deal. I didn't notice my neglect for her."

 

dude,

it was a big deal to me - look at what i did to myself. i know exactly how crappy i was, i have her face drilled into my head. i hated myself because of that - all she has too do is see how hard i was on my mind and body - i was punishing myself dude! and i know she worrys about that and lacks trust - who wouldn't - all i can tell her is if she thinks i am ever going back to that state of mind again - she is wrong. i can't make her see this - that's up to her. she needs to just step back - understand that i get it, see how much i punished myself for that and the work i have done so this never happens again in my life WITH ANYBODY. that's all i can do.

 

from what i can sense she is way behind me in dealing with this stuff so i have given her space and reassurance the best wahy i can - ki just what her to be her normal happy dance self again - she doesn't need to be with me - just heal gawd darn it - you can do it baby!

[spikespiegel]

whenamansloveisreal:

 

That's exactly what I wish I could convey to her. I feel like absolute crap knowing how SHE felt the last few months, and knowing that she felt badly enough to not want to be with me. I never stopped loving her, just let other things cloud my direction momentarily. Now that I realize what exactly I did to her and to myself, that will NEVER happen again, I can guarantee it. Any time I might think that something is more important than her, all I'll have to do is think about how I feel now. What a deterrent that would be!

 

I just wish I could convey exactly how badly I feel, how empty inside. I've lost about 10 pounds in the last 2 weeks because I have NO appetite whatsoever. I try to eat but I can only stomach about half of what I normally can, and then start to get nauseous. I keep telling myself that if she only knew how badly I felt, then she would KNOW that I love her as much as I say I do.

[spikespiegel]

Trab:

 

Thanks for the optimism. I'm trying to be optimistic myself, but not too optimistic, as I don't want to get my heart crushed more than it already is. The thing is that conversation is pretty much required for now... We still need to work out a couple things about the trip to New York we were going to take, which is complicated. We both work in the hotel industry and both have reservations, at two different hotels, so she is still going, but taking her best friend. I am trying to decide if I want to go or not. I know I'll just be thinking about how I was going to be with her the whole time, plus we are on the same flight. She was pretty adamant about not wanting to be on the same flight because it would be awkward...

 

There's still a couple of things we need to return to each other, so we'll have to see each other then.

 

To top it all off, today she had a minor procedure done at the doctor's, and I don't know if I should try to call or text to find out how it went, or if I should try to initiate NC here... what does everyone think? So confused...

[Trab]

The most important thing is to keep doing what's best for you. If going there is best for your career, go! Don't let her stop you!

 

Distance makes the hard grow fond or cold, it's something like that. THats the beauty of NC. The primary point being, that you get time to move on and less emotional. She will start realizing if she misses you or is better of without you!

 

It's a tricky call in your situation, because she seems pretty undecided. Do you still see her?

[spikespiegel]

The most important thing is to keep doing what's best for you. If going there is best for your career, go! Don't let her stop you!

 

Distance makes the hard grow fond or cold, it's something like that. THats the beauty of NC. The primary point being, that you get time to move on and less emotional. She will start realizing if she misses you or is better of without you!

 

It's a tricky call in your situation, because she seems pretty undecided. Do you still see her?

 

It's definitely tricky. No, I don't still see her, she refuses to see me, saying that it would be too hard and that it isn't a good idea. I tried asking her why she doesn't think it's a good idea, and she won't elaborate. I suspect that she IS at least somewhat undecided about this situation, and feels that if we are face to face that she may falter. Does this sound rational, or am I being too optimistic here?

[Trab]

just NC her and be really cold to her. Girls like it when guys do that. YEs! I did just say that and it may sound unethical, but I'm a real nice guy, and I have friends who are real nasty and al lthe girls love em!

[spikespiegel]

I just remembered something else that may or may not be relevant. When she broke up with me, she told me exactly the opposite of what you would usually hear. Instead of saying that she wanted no contact, she told me that she thought it was important for us to talk to each other, that we try to remain friends... again, I don't know what all this means, but it could be another piece to the puzzle.

 

Come on experts, I need some input!!

[Trab]

Simple:

 

Stay friends:

Dumped - harder ( no recovery space)

Dumpee - easier (less guilt)

 

NC:

Dumped - easier (recovery time)

Dumpee - harder (guilt, regret)

 

I am in the same trap! Stick to NC!

[spikespiegel]

Need more input!!

 

In my opinion she seems undecided, as she has told me that she doesn't want to do this, and we keep talking. She is very strong-willed though, and I think that her pride is preventing her from seeing me / considering getting back together. I believe that she's scared that if she has to talk to me in person she might change her mind. I remembered another thing she told me: She asked me how it would be FAIR to her to get back together with me right away...

 

More help please...

[spikespiegel]

Bump! I could use some help

[A James Z]

Ok, I will comment on you if you comment on me! LOL

 

Actions always speak louder than words. Its one thing to tell someone you promise to change, and its another thing to SHOW them that you have indeed changed.

 

Sending flowers and the sketch are good. It shows her how much you care, rather than just telling her, which you have been doing over and over and over since the breakup, I am sure.

 

So, what you need is to figure out little ways to show her that you are more caring, more sensitive to her needs, and so on. I don’t know you, so I cant give you direct advice on that. I would not shower her with gifts or anything, but try to think of creative ways to shower how you feel and how you have made improvements in your life, as a result of the breakup.

 

She gave you another chance, which is more than I ever got, so she really does care about you and by all her action it seems as if she is really confused.

 

Perhaps her not wanting to see you in person means that she feels things are so emotional right now that she might lose herself and give you another chance, something which she feels would not be right for her at this point in time.

 

At least she is initiating contact and is concerned when she doesn’t hear back from you. That means she gets worried and scared you might have found someone else. And, casually dating someone after a breakup is often what girls do to get back their boyfriends after they have been dumped. A friend of mine dated her man for 3+ years, but he would not treat her right or commit to her. She dumped him, casually dated someone for a few months, and he was begging to get her back. Now they are getting married and have twins on the way, and he is just ecstatic about the whole thing. Strange huh?

 

Now, I am not telling you to go out and have sex with other girls to get your girlfriend back, but if you can go out for a date, and somehow it would innocently get back to your girl that she might be on the verge of losing you forever, she may get really freak out want to give it another try, OR she could get really upset and figure you have moved on. Then you would be in a bad spot trying to explain to her your little scheme or whatever.

 

I don’t know you and the dynamics of your relationship, and how your girl would respond to something like that, just throwing it out there. But, if you stick this out a little longer and SHOW her that you have changed, maybe she will slowly come back in your life.

 

As for me, my situation really sucks too. I would appreciate it if you could give me feedback on my situation. I know that there is not a whole lot people can really say, but it feels good to get other people's opinions of what is going on. Thanks a lot. By the way, I am under the Break up forum with the title Mr Right Seems to Always Get It Wrong! Your Thoughts?

 

Good luck

[spikespiegel]

Thanks for the reply.

 

I'm glad you agree, because that's exactly what I've been trying to do so far, is to SHOW her how much I care about her instead of just talking about it. I'm trying to do it enough to remind her, but not to annoy her...

 

As far as the dating other girls thing goes, I thought about it, but I don't know if that would help the situation... I mean the problem was that she felt like a nobody to me, so if I run out and date someone else even casually, what does that say to her? Then again, girls rarely seem to be rational creatures, so maybe it WOULD be the best thing. Nobody knows but her at this point I guess...

[A James Z]

Well, since its the holiday season you could say you brought a date for a New Years party or whatever. But you know your girl best.

 

My problem is that I want to control things in my life that I really dont have control over. I cant leave something be, I always have to find a quick solution. And there are never quick solutions to problems in relationships that are complicated by emotions and outside influences. I am learning that people need their own time and their own space, and you cannot fix everything. If she really wants to be with you, hopefully she will overlook the bad and remember how great things were.

 

I can only hope that what will happen to me. But, in the meantime I am going to go out and have fun. If my girl finds out I dated someone, then so be it, she was the one that broke up with me when I said I would try my best to fix things too.

 

My actions will speak to her that I am not going to just wait around and sulk for her to come back. I will find happiness and live my life, while at the same time hoping that she will change her mind.

 

You have the contact thing going pertty good for now. I am curious to see if I will even gets texts over the holidays. I was dumped 6 days before Christmas... what a drag. But I know of a girl I can call up and just have a good time with. I am not out for sex or another relationship, I just want to have fun and forget about the drama thats going on in my life. I hate it.