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[Pisces_Princess]

I have been with my bf 2 years and living together 1 year. We had a very good solid relationship and I thought we were very happy.

 

Before him I had a 6 year relationship but we ended up like brother and sister. He hadn’t had a long-term relationship since his early twenties.

 

Before we moved in together we both lived alone and were both independent people, we had quite a distance to travel to see each other but we saw each other regularly.

 

I travelled away for 3 weeks in the summer ’05 and my ‘phone wouldn’t work. I began to realise that this was more than a fun relationship and that I was deeply in love with him he said he felt this too.

 

We started to discuss living together and we started to make plans for a move in early 2006. In August I very unexpectedly found out that I was pregnant, and after the initial shock wore off we were very pleased. Four weeks later I had a miscarriage.

 

Initially I was upset, but the physical side of things was my most difficult obstacle. We were offered counselling, but I declined. Just wanted to get on with life…

 

I spent lots of time with my bf while I recuperated and it was then that he said he didn’t want to wait and he wanted me to move in with him asap, 3 weeks later we moved in together.

 

At first I was scared that I had made a mistake. I had moved from a big city to a small sea-side town, I was 50 miles from work and friends and about 80 miles from my family. I felt homesick but gradually began to feel like this was home.

 

It was around this time that I started to become very needy and clingy. Even if he was just visiting friends I would be questioning him on where he was going and what he was doing…this was not like me at all.

 

Because of the long commuting time I started to see less of my friends and I think that I felt resentful that his work, family and friends were all on the doorstep. I must have become very difficult to live with…

 

Eight weeks ago I came home from work and my bf told me that he wanted me to move out, that he wanted his own space and that he wanted to be alone. I was obviously devastated. We lived together for two more weeks while I sorted out somewhere to live.

 

As this time progressed we started to talk about the split not being permanent and to think of it as a break. I was not happy and kept trying to push the matter but I moved out at the end of October.

 

We continued to talk and text and we even went on a couple of dates which were very romantic. I thought that we were on the right track, but I did keep pushing the ‘getting back together’ issue.

 

We arranged to go out on his birthday Tuesday 21st Nov and that I would stay over. On the Monday he called to say that he didn’t want me to come over, that it was over and he wanted to be alone…I asked him if he still loved me and he said he didn’t know.

 

I maintained NC for just over a week, but cracked. I thought I was having a break-down I felt so horrible.

 

It has become evident to me that me behaviour is a little odd to say the least and so I sought out a therapist, who has diagnosed depression. This process is making me feel better and I can see why I have reacted to certain situations the way that I have. I know I will get better and so last week my ex and I met for a chat.

 

I talked about my real sadness at losing the baby, my insecurities around the relationship and my basic fear of being left (apparently steaming from my Father leaving home when I was 6).

 

I asked him what he first found attractive about me and he said apart from my looks, it was my independence and carefree attitude, that I didn’t seem to need him but I wanted him. He said he felt that he had taken this away from me and the reason that he was unsure about his feelings is because the woman he met changed so much.

 

He talked openly about what went wrong (space, neediness) and I said these were issues that I am working on. He can see that I am not just saying that I will change by the fact that I am pro-actively seeking help.

 

We then talked about the possibility of getting back together. He said there was nobody else and that he doesn’t want anybody else. He said we shouldn’t rule anything out but for now we have to concentrate on me getting better. He said we have to start from the beginning and we have to get to know each other again. He said he wants things to progress in a natural way like they did in the beginning…

 

I was happy with this and could see how things will work, but I am so impatient. I become so anxious that I start pushing him for decisions that he really isn’t ready to make yet. He said that he is thinking about our future, but he needs me to carry on with my therapy (only 10 more weeks) as he feels that if we got back together I would think my problems were solved!

 

I know he is right but it is so hard to just sit back and wait. We talk a couple of times each week and he texts me nearly every day. I know I have to be strong and not push. I am afraid that he is only giving me hope until I am better but he said he would not say anything that he didn’t mean and that he would not give me false hope.

 

I just need some strength from somewhere…

[papalazarou]

Keep going pisces...im sure he isnt leading you on.

 

Depression is a horrible thing to have. apparently in the uk its more "popular" than the common cold.

 

It could be that he completely understands you need to heal. My current "ex" is currently suffering from depression but the roles are sort of reversed in that it is extremely hard not to push her into anything!

 

She has said she loves me, and is sorry for how she was before...because she was ill and yet I also know that I do need to take a back seat. Her medication is workling but I dont want to be all clingy and needy.

 

I know I was before but we BOTH realised that I was like that because I didnt know what to think...and neither did she because she had depression - for which she is now receiving treatment.

 

We did have a period where she told me to "find someone else who deserves you" that was the depression talking. I didnt. Rightly or wrongly I still "stuck around" call it love I suppose. But at the same time did my own thing.

 

At the same time she started her treatment and hopefully now its making her think alot more clearly!!!

[Pisces_Princess]

Hi Papalazarou (great name by the way...not from Derbyshire are we???)

 

Yes my therapist calls depression the common cold of mental health problems!

 

Your situation is different in that your gf wants to go this alone, I just wish that I had asked for help whilst I still had my ex's love and support. It's hard to be going through this alone.

 

When we met we talked about our break-up and he talked about where he thought it went wrong. He said it was my neediness and clinginess that did it. He said that he always felt bad about going out so he thought it was less hassle to not go out at all. He said for us to move forward we had to put the past behind us and I agreed. I also talked about losing the baby and the effect that had on me. He said it had a bigger effect on him than he ever told me. I said that we both should have had counselling after the loss and he agreed.

 

 

I asked when he had stopped loving me, he said he hadn’t but I had changed so much that he felt that he didn’t know me anymore.

 

He asked how I felt when he ended the relationship and I said I felt like I had been dropped in the middle of the ocean and told to find my way back to dry land and that sometimes he was like the life guard who was watching me and couldn’t quite decide whether I was waving or drowning. He said in that respect I had to think of him swimming beside me, that I had to do it alone but he would catch me if I fall.

 

 

I asked him if there was any chance that we would get back together. He said that we had to work on me first but not to rule anything out; he said he couldn’t promise anything and that we had to become friends first. He said that despite everything we talked about we had some very good times and he was going to concentrate on that and we should keep talking about us and moving forward, he said he felt that we had to get to know each other again.

 

 

 

I said that I would stop contacting him, that I would respect his need for time and space but he asked me not to and said he would call me and see me regularly. I said I know he would be busy up until Christmas so not to worry about seeing before then and he said that we would see each other a lot when he finishes work for Christmas.

 

 

 

I said losing him had made me realise what I had and he said he had to let me go so that I could get better and heal myself. He said it was almost like I was challenging him to leave me by pushing him further and further away.

 

 

 

We talked about his friendships and I said that I was ashamed of the way it had worked out. He asked if there was a reconciliation that I would make more of an effort and I said that I definitely would.

 

 

 

He said he missed me, that the flat felt very empty and that it didn’t feel like a home anymore.

 

I don't think he would say all of this to lead me on, but I am looking for something tangible and concrete...I am so despondant! x

[papalazarou]

I agree Pisces. If he knows what you are going thru with your depression (and believe me I know what mine is going thru having seen it with the ex-wife, ex mother in law and also a bout myself when the marriage broke up) then there is no reason to think that he is leading you on.

 

Is there anything that would make you think that he is leading you on? Has he ever done anything like that before?

 

I had to hang in there when I was being rejected (although different circumstances to yours) but at the same time Im rebuilding my life because I had thrown EVERYTHING into my relationship with her.

 

If he can see that you are working on yourself then that will make him reciprocate!

 

Well where they film the league of gentlemen is in Derbyshire! Papalazarou is a character in this.

[Pisces_Princess]

Yes, I know (I am in the North of England!!! not Hadfield or Royston Vasey as it is more commonly known but not too far away...)

 

I think because he is being so very careful with everything he say's and is so concerned with not giving me false hope he can come accross as a little cold i.e. no xxx on the end of his messages etc.

 

I know too that he needs his own space to heal. We both had high hopes for our future and the end of the relationship has been as big a blow to him as it has to me, it's just that I am more expressive in communicating my feelings than he is.

 

My depression is causing bouts of anxiety which culminate in a downward spiral of negativity. I know that some people would read my posts and think I was lucky...those desperate for thier ex's to get in touch. But I just want some real proof that he means what he say's.

 

Your life seems to be heavily touched with people overcoming depression (and your own) how did you cope?

 

Do you think when your ex is 'well' again that you will reconcile?

 

xxx

[papalazarou]

Probably Im the same as you! Im the one who is shall we say more 'sensitive' and for awhile things were not great between us. I didnt know if I was coming or going and that showed in my attitude towards her, mainly in the way I spoke to her.

 

Mind you she has now said that she wasnt in a good place either (because she was ill) and could see why I did it because her words, not mine "I was a right * * * * * to live with and im sorry i kept going on at you" .

 

I wouldnt say he is being cold, maybe a bit careful. I think he knows that he cant pull the rug from under you. I think that when you are better he is prepared to give it another go..start afresh as you say. It sounds to me that he is quite caring...without getting carried away.

 

Thats how I was with my "ex" not stand offish...but im here if you need me and took a step back. Certainly I would be all guns blazing usually.

 

It was difficult because I remembe her saying only a couple of months ago, the doctor says im depressed...i need to simplify my life...that means I cant deal with a relationship now. That was hard to take but after one "emotional" moment about 2 months ago we are now working on a reconcilation. In fact she has now said how much she loves me and how much I did help her even when she was being a "right * * * * *".

 

My ex also got anxeity (I believe a side effect of the medication) and its taken about a month for this to ease off. As she has said sometimes in the morning she is "spaced out" and has good days and bad days....

 

She now views us as back together, hence I use "ex" because I feel we are on a slow road to recovery. Alot has changed since the split. Although we split twice...both can be linked to the depression - the first time because she didnt know she was and the second time because she did!

 

Can I just say that these people being close to me and getting depression is nothing to do with me How did I cope? I dont know really I suppose you just have to try and stay strong yourself. Its difficult but I do pracetice a martial art so maybe that helps?

[Pisces_Princess]

That's interesting...

 

It's very hard when you have loved somebody. It feels cold now because when we were in a relationship he was very demonstrative and 'full-on'. However, when we first met the initial lead up to our date was very slow and cautious.

 

I think he is afraid that a reconciliation at this point would be like a sticking plaster on an open wound. That I would feel good and say 'hey, I am cured...no more therapy for me' but we both know that isn't the answer.

 

Maybe the truth is that he really isn't sure himself...

 

I am actually not taking any medication, just therapy.

 

The anxiety comes when for instance: he called me on Saturday night and we talked for over an hour...he brought up the subject of us and not ruling anything out etc etc I felt good as the call was initiated by him and the 'us' conversation was inititaed by him too.

 

On Sunday I sent him a message thanking him for his support, wasn't one that needed a response...as the day wore on I became more and more anxious as he didn't respond this carried over into Monday...by Monday evening I was in a frenzy! And sent him a message demanding a response to my message...he did respond and said the same things about keeping talking, moving forwards etc.

 

I knew I had made a complete idiot of myself by this point! NC is not the way for Tom and I to go but at that moment I wish it had been...

 

My anxiety at the moment is that he will meet somebody else during Xmas and New Year...

[Pisces_Princess]

Hi,

 

Weekend was tough...

 

My ex called me on Friday night and we talked for a long time. He was talking about me be very fragile at the moment and me not being able to handle bad news...

 

This kept me awake all night!!! Text him on Saturday morning and asked what he meant and he replied

 

"I am still not ruling anything out and yes I didn't think you could handle any more bad news...but I don't have any good or bad news to tell, just exactly as I said xx" (yes I even got kisses!!!)

 

Heard from him a lot both Saturday and Sunday...but my problem is the anxiety leading up to Christmas. What if he meets somebody else? Are other people anxious about the Christmas period?" xxx

[papalazarou]

I dont think he will meet anyone else! There is no suggestion of that!

 

Dont think like that, otherwise you will go stir crazy.

[Pisces_Princess]

Oh I know that... already driving myself crazy with that thought!

 

He just called me at work and I completley fell to pieces...what a mess x

 

How was your weekend?

[papalazarou]

He still thinks of you, thats a good thing...

 

Yes it was ok Princess! Actually spent Saturday and Sunday with the "ex" and it was very nice, things are moving along nicely.

 

Im trying to be as unobtrusive as possible at the moment...but the good news is the drugs appear to working much better now!!

 

So lets see what happens whilst she is on them. But it is hard because I know that I want to see her all the time...but cant. Not because she doesnt want to but I need to also deal with me being a bit clingy and needy.

[Cindersam]

I oompletely understand where you are and what you are going through. I don't think you need to worry about him meeting someone else. He seems as though he wants your relationship to work out. I know how VERY DIFFICULT it is but you need to give him some space and spend the time working on yourself. He said one of the things he fell in love with was your independence. I know it's hard to wait and see what happens but if you push too hard you will push him away. I think he is right that if you got back together now you would think everything is o.k. But you really need to work through your issues first. Being in a relationship full time right now probably isn't the best thing for you either even though it is what you desperately want. You have been through a lot and you need to give yourself some time to heal. Once you do this and you start to get your independence back I think things will work out between you and your ex. We all need some time alone at times in our lives whether we want iit or not. Keep working on getting you better and things will fall into place,

[Pisces_Princess]

papalazarou,

 

That sounds like a good weekend to me! Are you spending Christmas/New Year together?

 

Sounds like her medication is kicking in, but she may feel a little 'numb' so don't be surprised if she appears to back off a little. You seem to understand her needs very well though.

 

My problem is dealing with the overwhelming negative thoughts that crop up, hopefully I will be able to deal with these as my therapist is looking at this on Wednesday with me.

 

Cindersam,

 

Thank you so much for your kind words...

 

It is the positivity from others that is getting me through this most difficult time xxx

[papalazarou]

papalazarou,

 

That sounds like a good weekend to me! Are you spending Christmas/New Year together?

 

Sounds like her medication is kicking in, but she may feel a little 'numb' so don't be surprised if she appears to back off a little. You seem to understand her needs very well though.

 

My problem is dealing with the overwhelming negative thoughts that crop up, hopefully I will be able to deal with these as my therapist is looking at this on Wednesday with me.

 

Cindersam,

 

Thank you so much for your kind words...

 

It is the positivity from others that is getting me through this most difficult time xxx

 

 

 

Hi Princess

 

Not sure at the moment about xmas/new year. Dont really want to push it. I believe we may see each other xmas eve but what I have done is make plans not involving her...

 

My mates understand the situation and know she can come along as well if she wants...which she might do because she knows them alkl.

 

Thats about the best I can hope for at the moment...

[Pisces_Princess]

Hi papalazarou,

 

Just wait and see (easy to say when you suffer from impatience like I do!) I think the best course is to make yourself avaliable without pushing.

 

We will be apart Christmas Eve/Day but we are seeing each other on the Wednesday x

[papalazarou]

We will be apart Christmas Eve/Day but we are seeing each other on the Wednesday x

 

Excellent news! Im sure we will see each other between xmas and new year even if not on the days themselves...Im ean we have both got each other presents!

[Pisces_Princess]

Just had some news which should give other people hope!!!

 

My best friend has been apart from her ex for 6 months(ish). She has just walked out of work and he was stood outside with a banner saying "will you marry me!!!" so it can work...

[papalazarou]

Wow! Hope for us all then!!!!

[Pisces_Princess]

Well yesterday I had a bad day/good night!

 

Actually it all started in Monday night...went to do a little last minute Christmas shopping after work and everywhere I looked people were in two's couples holding hands, kissing and generally showing me what I am missing out on! I got home and cried myself to sleep. My ex called but didn't pick up. I was too upset to even speak to him, and I knew that I would have just done the crying, begging, pleading...

 

I woke up yesterday morning with crippling depression, it was so bad I physically could not get out of bed. I called in sick to work and spend about 2 hours just trying to coax myself into the shower.

 

My ex called me in the evening I was very emotional to say the very least. We talked about getting back together. He said that he knows that I want him to ask me to go back to home and try to make a go of things but he said he is scared that it wouldn’t work as I have to be completely better… He said he is trying to be quite hard with me even though it is hurting him.

 

 

 

I asked why he had changed his mind about not being sure he wanted to break-up. He said it was because the problems we have I am now in the process of sorting out, he said it was because I wasn’t just saying that I would change, but that I was actively doing something about it. I asked if he was just saying this for me to soften the blow and he said he was saying it for us.

 

 

 

He also said that he felt like he had to get to know me again and then went on to say about not ruling anything out etc etc…

 

 

 

I asked what would happen if he met somebody else. He said he doesn’t want anyone else and would want to see what would happen with us before he moved on with somebody new.

 

So I actually feel a little better today. I see my therapist tonight which always helps xxx

[papalazarou]

Heyy Pisces...you hang on in there babe.

 

We will get thru this together xx

[Pisces_Princess]

Hi Papalazarou,

 

How are you today sweetie? xxx

[papalazarou]

Im fine my dear.

 

Went to see Madness at the Bighton Centre last nite. My "ex" came with me and she stayed the night. She even talked about weddings and marriage last nite (we were engaged before the split) so I think I can take this as meaning that she is now thankfully thinking about "us".

 

It also means that her medication is now kicking in.

 

As I said to my mate Darren - now that the medication is kicking in lets see what happens now.

 

Basically we had 8 good months together then 3 months of "crap" where her depression kicked in, then about a month of being separated while she sorted "stuff" out and now she has been on medication for about 6 weeks and she has been as good as gold.

 

As she said "I was a right * * * * * to you, but im sorry as I was ill".

 

So whilst im a bit cautious its going in the right direction...plus now that she is receiving treatment I want to know whether we are truly compatible or not.

 

What I dont want is to think what if? What if the medication did work - could we have worked it out. At least this way I know for sure! xx

[Pisces_Princess]

That's great!

 

She really sounds like she is getting a grip on her situation. When she was ill she probably didn't have the space in her head to consider you or your feelings, but it seems she is getting there! The depression clouds your thoughts, it's like a mass of darkness with no light in sight...

 

Marriage??? Sounds like she is thinking of the future to me. She knows she has a good man, most would have just left, but you have been there for her and stood by her in all of this.

 

I always feel that it is better to regret what you have done than what you haven't. You and she deserve a second chance and you in particular deserve to be happy...and she makes you happy so it all sounds rosy to me.

 

You are being very good in not being clingy and needy. You have given her the time and space she needed and now that she is stabilising she can see that.

 

I am really EXCITED for you!

 

xxx

[Pisces_Princess]

I just received a Christmas card from my ex! It is not a special card, inside it say's...

 

To Rebecca, I am glad we are still speaking and everthing is getting better for you. I do hope you have a lovely Christmas and a great new year. Love Tom x

 

I am pretty angry...firstly nothing is getting better for me, secondly a great New Year! What? Sitting around missing him like mad.

 

Should I be mad at this???

[papalazarou]

No I think its a nice thing to do.

 

Dont forget as far as he is concerned he thinks the therapy is working and that you are 'getting your sh1t' together Princess.