Gosh this hurts so bad....

[meantime]

You need to remember not only did he leave you after five years together but he left you for someone who is really not even available to him. He chose to be with someone who will only be able to give him crumbs, instead of being with someone who would have given him everything. Think about that. It is okay to love and miss him but don't forget the reality of the situation.

[stormie1]

Happy New Year everyone I hope! Went to bed early last night after watching the Dallas Mavericks play. (I love basketball). Glad 2006 is gone. There were good memories and now very bad ones. I have high hopes for 2007. If Larry is going to be in it, I don't know. I really hope so. Even if he left me for someone younger and not available, I still want him to be in my life. No, I don't think the lets just be friends would work out because I would always want to touch him. I should hate him for throwing me away without even blinking an eye. I just can't hate him. I love him so much. I know why he turned to her. She is pretty and doesn't have all the baggage that I did. I trusted him with everything the good and the bad. I guess he got tired of hearing all the bad. (I'm in a terrible situation with my job). She has my dream job and gets to work with him closely all the time. I hate this. Why do some people have all the luck? She is young, pretty, and has a great job. No kids to take up anytime. She doesn't even want them. She can be available to Larry anytime he wants. I want him back. I swear I would not bring all the baggage that I did before. I didn't even know I was bringing him down complaining about the troubles at work (the owner of my company is ripping me off on my commissions!). I just wish I could turn back the clock and do it all different. I miss him and our time together. Am I ever going to touch him again? I know I shouldn't want too but, I love him dearly still. He was and is my life. I just want to die right now (not suicidal, I promise) I just want the hurting to stop. I want answers. Again, I promise, NC is the way to go for me right now. If I call him, he would be cold and it would hurt like day one again. Can't do that. Well, it's gunna be a tough one today. Happy New Year everyone.......I think there is hope for all of us.

[stormie1]

Been cleaning house today until my ipod ran dry! Trying to clean up my life also. It is good to do busy work and I love it when my house is clean! I even cleaned the chandelers (sorry, poor spelling). I miss him when I'm not busy with stuff. I want to talk to him. I miss him. I miss us. I know I keep on saying that and it makes it impossible to move on but, it is so true. 5 years down the drain. How he can walk away I just can't imagine. Hope my ipod charges fast....I want to start this year out on a positive note. I will not contact him. I will not let him have control over me. But, I do think I will always love him and have a blank spot in my heart. I miss us and the fun times. I thought he was the greatest person ever. Everyone loves Larry. Gosh, how will I go on without his love? Everything reminds me of him. Absolutely everything.....Gosh.

[Hope75]

Hey Lady,

 

 

Keep up with the cleaning and organizing- it does feel good to have your place neat and your life in order, doesn't it?

 

And burning all those calories while cleaning is another plus!

 

Have you thought about taking a class to fill some of your time?

[stormie1]

Thanks Hope, No time for classes right now except for on-line. I have a travel job presently so, not a lot of me time (thank goodness). I am studying to this new job. I have to brush up on my pacemaker skills. Interviews are coming the end of January. I have been looking for pacer ceu's on-line. There just aren't many. Keeping busy seems to be the best medicine for me right now. Did good until my ipod ran out of charge yesterday. Nights are the worst. Especially now that I don't get to talk to him. NC is still my best friend now. If I broke NC and actually spoke with him it would be bad. It's been 11 days since the party and nothing. I hope he hasn't forgotten me to thinks that "hey, breaking up with her was easy". I don't want to just vanish like we never were. But, what choice do I have....None! So, it's NC all the way and if I never was anything to him again, what choice do I have but to let it all go and get over it. I keep dreaming about whats going to happen the next time I see him (which, I am trying to avoid). Will it be good like the party and I just ignore him? Do I act sad (I know, NOT). If I act happy will he think I don't miss him? If I act happy also, will he think I'm pathetically trying to win him back? If I act hurt, will he be glad he got away from pityful me? If I act mad, will he think I'm pathetic? I have all these senarios running through my head. Will he try to make this my fault? What about Kelly? It wasn't her fault. I don't think she knew about me. Will she treat me bad? Will she act smug like she stole my man from me? I don't know what or how to act when this happens. Not sure when I'm going to run into them. It is the nature of all of our jobs that we eventually will. We have too many accounts together. I can try to avoid them but, I do think there is going to be the time we crash into one another. How do I act. Gosh, this is so hard. It is hard to play by the rules when all I want to do is talk and touch him. I do miss us.........I just don't understand.

[Hope75]

Stormie,

 

You said this a few posts ago ^^^^^

 

You know that a good partner sticks around when times are tough- they support each other. No relationship is perfect- no person is perfect. Part of being in a loving, healthy relationship is being there for your sig. other when times get tough or when they need someone to lean on.

 

What did Larry do when times got tough? He left you and hooked up with a married woman. IMO- he did that so he can get all the perks of sex and fun relationship stuff, without any of the real work involved in a relationship.

 

This man has zero respect for commitment, zero respect for you, and zero respect for Kelly's marriage. Why would you even want to be near a creep like that?

 

And before you say, "because I love him"- what about yourself? Do you love yourself? Respect yourself? You need to be able to do that before you can love another person- and by putting yourself and your needs at the bottom for this guy (saying that you would change and would not have 'baggage' or talk about your troubles at work- we all need to), you are not treating yourself with love or respect- and so how can you expect anyone else to?

 

I think you are displacing anger that should be directed towards Larry on yourself- when the honest truth is that he left because he wanted to- not because you are a bad person in any way.

[stormie1]

I know in my heart you are right. Just having a terrible day. My friend ( I told everything too) at my old job call to say he is there today. She's got my back. I was supposed to go there today to turn in paper work. We were going to go to lunch but, I'm sure he will take everyone out. I will not go. She will call me later to tell me what happened. I bet Kelly will be there tomorrow. I bet they will be in a hotel tonight. Sucks big time. My imagination is killing me. Things hurt like in the beginning today. Gosh.

[Hope75]

Try to focus your mind on other things.

 

The more you let your imagination run away, the longer this is going to go on, and the longer you are going to be stuck in a rut, hurting over this.

 

Keep your body and your mind busy.

[stormie1]

Well, Cindy called. They are all going out to eat lunch. Larry said they had to hurry because he has to go back to Dallas to another account. I know he is going to be with her .....I hate my life right now. Gosh, things are really bad. Just cried my eyes out knowing he is going to be with her. It hurts so bad.

[stormie1]

Well, I went to meet Cindy after everyone (including Larry) left. We had a couple (sorry!) and she told me about the afternoon. Larry did mention me. She said he was sweet but, not to forget what he did to me. Cindy is good for me. She puts everything into perspective. He used me...Plain and simple..He is using Kelley the same. I can't hate her. I miss him. I have to go away for business for a couple of days. Hotel rooms at night are the best time to totally cry your eyes out. I want to get on with my life. I told Cin about the NC. She did point out that Larry is NC'ing me also. I haven't heard a word or text from him. Sucks big time. I still don't understand exactly what happened. I'm glad I have this forum and Cin to talk to. It does help. I was a mess this morning. I want him back. Basicially, I still do. But, as you (the forum) and Cin have pointed out. He doesn't want me back. Stings to hear it but, it is true. I have to let go and move on. Cin is being a little bit mean to Larry. She mentions me at every turn. She did say he said he was pulling for me with this new job I am interviewing for. But, of course, what could he say? I feel a little bit better after reading the post and speaking with Cindy. I still miss him and wish I could turn back the clock. Cindy is a hard hitter. She said if it wasn't Kelley, it would have been someone else. I need to move on and forget him. I will pray that God helps me through this tough time. I want to move on but, I still love him terribly. God has a plan for all of us. I do believe that. I wish it didn't have to hurt so much to get there. I wish I had answers. Like Cin said, I may never know the whole truth. Larry used me. Plain and simple. Why does he get to have such a charmed life? He has everything. I have nothing. Thanks again to eveyone and their advice. It really does help. Gotta go pack....I hate Houston! (Sorry, to anyone out there from Houston)

[belinda_simone]

You keep saying that larry and kelly will be spending time together and nights together.. How would kelly be able to do this if she is married? Wouldn't her husband be wondering where she is? I think your imagination is running away with you a bit. I'm sure they are not together as often as you think...and i'm sure larry is lonely a lot of the time.. He would not be able to chat to her on the phone at night like he chatted to you.. Kelly just would not be available to him like you imagine..

Stay strong.. You are doing the right thing keeping on with NC.. Time to focus your energy on this new job.. what better way to start this year than to have a goal to concerntrate on? It's perfect timing..even tho i know you're thinking you cant function properly at the moment, just do your best. One foot in front of the other. Minute by minute..

[stormie1]

Because of the nature of our jobs. Being in medical sales involves a lot of client happy hours. So, to risk driving all the way home intoxicated or if you have 6 am cases, everyone just stays in hotels. So, yes, they are spending a lot of time together and have every available excuse to tell loved ones. I'm in a hotel room right now crying my eyes out because he has not even once tried to contact me after the break up call. I miss him. I can't believe he doesn't miss me or us or the good times. I'm lonely right now in a strange city and .....I just flat out miss him. We had a wonderful time in Houston a couple of years ago. We always talk about the Houston trip. It makes it very hard to be here without him. I think I would feel better if he would at least try to see if I was ok. I wouldn't answer the phone of course but, I would feel better knowing that he was a least a little bit concerned. My heart is in the trashcan right now. I can't believe that I meant nothing to him. I love him so much still...how can he really be gone?

[stormie1]

Gosh I hate this. I hate the word hate but gosh I sure am using it a lot. I love him. Plain and simple. It hurts. I want to talk to him so bad right now. It's been 12 days of NC. You would think that he would want to talk to me. This just hurts so darn much I do know how much more I can stand. I feel so used and worthless. He was my world. How do you just stop loving someone? I guess he never did. But, I sure did love him. How am I supposed to just stop. I just don't get it....I want to move on but, what do you do with the feelings of worthlessness and emptiness? Why doesn't he miss me? My friend, Cindy, said at the lunch he couldn't quit talking about me and my new job and how much he is hoping I get it...it just hurts so bad.

[stormie1]

Well, it's offically been two weeks of NC. Some days are good most are still very bad. Today is in between. I think I am starting to accept the fact that Larry is gone from my life forever. He has not tried to contact me either. Which is both a good and bad thing. Good cuz I don't have to deal with the let down and bad because it reinforces the fact that I meant nothing to him. I still love him. It still hurts. I will be able to move on. I just don't know how or when. I've called his voicemail just to hear his voice. It is a company mailbox so, I don't have to worry about him knowing it is me. I don't do it very often. My friend, Cindy, told me when I asked her why he isn't talking to me? said that he probably feels like a poo head because he poo'd all over me and our friendship. He feels guilty. Maybe he is giving me my space? Idk. I hate it and I want to talk to him so badly. But, what if he is with Kelley? I don't want to be pathetic. I just miss our friendship so bad. I know...NC all the way.......

[stormie1]

Gosh, I want to talk to him so bad. I want answers. Plain and simple. This would be so much easier to walk away if I could just talk to him. I know we are over. I just want answers. I need to clear my head and move on....I know...but, why can't I? He isn't talking to me. I've heard from a few of my friends that he is talking me up and supporting me in my drive for a new job. Interviews are at the end of the month. Scared to death. I've got to get over this depression thing. How many hiring managers would hire a down depressed interviewee? NONE. This is such bad timing. I wish I had not found out about them until this was all over. He was my rock (I thought). We used to do mock interviews preparing for the crazy interview questions they ask. He is very smart and successful in this field. Now, Kelley is his new task. She is fairly new to sales also. Unfortunately, she has a great beginning sales job. Pay is great, she gets to be with my guy a lot, hmmmmm.... I miss him. I just need some answers. I need him and his support. I love him dearly. THis hurts so bad. I just want to know what happened. Was is just put in his face? I know he was feeling neglected. That was my fault but I want to know why did he turn to her? Why didn't he tell me what he was feeling. Were we just fun? I miss him terribly. THis hurts so darn bad. I love him. What am I supposed to do with all this love? How do you just say oops, I don't love him anymore? How can he walk away from us? This is a horrible, horrible day. Please, I just need answers.](*,)

[hope2007]

I feel you. It breaks my heart to see someone in so much pain as I am. I know it is hard to think it is over. You will never get the answers you seek, you will never know. That is what makes me so crazy. I have made no attempt to contact him, day 8 now. It is his life now. I need to take care of myself, mind you, if I did't have this site, i don't know what I would be doing. I have read alot of people's stories and they so hit home. You take one day at a time, find things to do, keep your mind busy, it doesn't go away that fast, i mean the pain. My heart hurts, deep. and just talking to someone or even posting a reply has helped me. Hang in there. Have faith and hope.

[stormie1]

I just wonder if he hates me because I caught him and Kelley? Or, is he too embarrassed to contact me? I am doing no contact but, it hurts like heck. I miss him why doesn't he miss me? Where did the love go? I hurt like crazy today....I miss him.

[belinda_simone]

You don't realise it now but you have actually come a long way.. You are handling the situation a lot better that you were. I know it still hurts sooo badly.. but you are better off than you were at the beginning. What you are not taking into account is that he will be asking himself the same questions.."why doesn't she miss me? why isn't she calling?".. because don't forget, it;s going BOTH ways!

Even tho it doesn't feel like it today, you ARE on the road to recovery.

Just get through this crappy day and hope for a better one tomorrow.

god bless. x

[stormie1]

Thanks again for all the support during this difficult time. Everything in my life seems to be going downhill. I know I will get over him I can't imagine how or when. I miss him terribly. My job is horrible. Unsure about the job interview that Larry was helping me with. Is he going to trash me now because I know about him and Kelley? I will be going to some of the same accounts just different areas. Is he worried that I will "tell" on him and Kelley? I would not do that. I don't want to bring that on myself because outing them would out us. I would never do that. I hurt. I miss him. I kinda understand why he hasn't called. I just don't get how. If he loved me so much and we were together for 5 years, how can he not? I know if I hadn't promised myself NC, I would be calling right now just to talk to him. I know we are over. I just miss us and our crazy talks. He was the funnest (Idk if that is an actual word) person I have ever been with. He could always make me laugh and I need that so bad right now.....I miss us.....It really physically hurts bad...When does that part stop? It is affecting my job right now. I know its wrong and I should concentrate on my job and not him and what he is doing. I've got to get ready for the interviews coming up the end of the month. I've got to try to get this new job. I need a fresh start. But, gosh, I do miss us...............

[stormie1]

Gosh, I needed to post right now. Life is bad. Just found out the interviews have been postponed until sometime(?) in February. I need this change in my life so bad right now. I want to win this new position not only for myself but to show him (and Kelley) that I am a winner. Not a loser like they think. I am so sorry that I let me guard down and told him all the bad stuff about my current job. He was helping to get the new one but, now I don't know about if he is helping me or not. Still NC. It truly is the best right now. I just wish he would call to check up on me. I know that sounds pathetic but, I want him to miss me and worry about how I am doing. Gosh, I love and miss him. I know he is with her (sorta) but, I am the one that loves him. I just hurts so darn bad. I miss us. Man, I need this new job!

[stormie1]

Well, here I am sitting in a lonely hotel room. I miss him so much it is pathetic. I spoke with my friend Cindy and she said to give it six months and then try to speak with him. Not to get him back but, to ask for our friendship back. I think she is right. Although, I think he should be asking for my friendship back. I know that the intimate part of our relationship can never be brought back. What I miss right now is the friendship part. I miss the lunches, the talking, planning etc. She also said that because I was preoccupied with everything but him, then maybe I was ready to break up with him myself? Sounds crazy but, maybe she is right. All I know right now is I do miss my friendship with him. Can we ever be friends again after the horrible way I caught him and Kelley? Does he want my friendship back? We were so close. I can't imagine life without him in it. Am I fooling myself? Gosh, this is so hard not to just pick up the phone and call. I know it would be a terrible mistake to do so. I promise myself and everyone in here that I will maintain NC for as long as it takes. I just miss him so darn much....the talking part. Am I kidding myself? I don't know. Big possibility. NC is the only way to not bring myself down to day one crying. Life sucks right now. Hotels are lonely when you can't even talk to your best friend. He is(was) my best friend. I miss that so much. Cindy said to call her anytime. Right now might be that time. I do miss him.

[stormie1]

please God help me. I cant' do this anymore. I miss him and I am a mess. I am not strong enough for this. I want the pain to stop. I am a good person, I don't desere this. I want ist all to stop.

[stormie1]

I'm crashing I know. It feels like day one. Oh God. Why does it have to hurt so darn bad. I really want to die now. I want the pain to stop. I don't undrestand why. I truly can't live through this. I do want everything to stop. Not trying to sound pathetic. I just want to stop feeling. He has moved on. Why can't I? I hate it he doesn't miss me. I was nothing at all to him after 5 years. I want to just die. I'm done.

[stormie1]

I'm so sorry for the drama of last night. I had hit an all time low. I do think God answers prayers and it happened this morning. Larry called to check up on me. I was kind. We didn't talk about us or Kelley it was just he wanted to know how my job interviews were going and to let him know if he could do anything to help me. It was like we were best friends again. Told him I was in Austin. He knows how much I love Austin. It was perfect timing. I was at my lowest last night. I feel now like I can move on. I will still do the NC on my part. I don't want him to think I want him back. All I can say is thank you to everyone on this forum and thank God for helping me when I was sinking fast.

[meantime]

Stormie sorry you had such a bad night, reading your posts I felt how horrible it was for you. I understand how just every once in a while knowing that the one that is causing you so much pain gives you evidence that you are not forgotten can make a difference in how you feel. If it is for the best I don't know, I don't care sometimes, sometimes it is just what you need to continue on, be it right or wrong. I applaud NC and believe in all of its benefits but reading your posts it was like please let something help her feel better...and then I read you got the call from Larry. If it helped to get you out of that state of mind, then I am glad that he called and glad that you answered. I hope you stay strong though and don't forget the reality of your situation.