Need advice, anyone!

[abercrombiegirl]

Hi all. I have been with my boyfriend for seven years now, and as one might imagine, we've had our ups and downs. The bottom line for us is that we love each other a lot, and want to stay together. We are both 24 now, and I am sure that if things get better between us and all is well, we will get married eventually.

 

But neither of us would EVER contemplate marriage until we stop arguing as much as we do. There is a lot of conflict. We have always been an argumentative couple. At the moment we are going through sex therapy as things in that department have kind of fizzled out for me. I suddenly found myslef not really wanting to do it with him, almost like someone placed a hige block of ice between us on that front, and so I thought (and he agreed), that sex therapy would be ok. Apart from that intimacy, we are otherwise very close to each other generally.

 

It's the arguments which kill us, and I know that I am the source of many of them. I freely admit that I am a rather jealous person, and I get paranoid about him meeting someone else. I have to emphasise however, this isn't a feeling that is with me always. So I don't sit and worry over these things on a daily basis. On a day-to-day level I totally trust him and believe that he loves me- but say there is a situation which could give rise to feelings of jealousy then I definitely will get jealous and annoyed, and nosey, ask him lots of questions and inevitably we end up arguing. To give you an example, he recently started a PhD (we live together by the way) and obviously, as one would expect he has been meeting other PhD students and so on. One evening he came home talking about some new people he's met, a few of them girls, and as soon as he mentioned them I started feeling insecure and jealous, wanting to know what they look like and so on and so forth. It's totally irrational. My boyfriend is really a gem, he treats me well and I don't want these feelings getting in the way. I have talked to him about how I feel and my jealousy and made it clear WHERE I think these feelings come from. When we first started going out (17 years old) he used to go on about this girl he knew ALOT. She is a friend of the family. He used to blatantly just tell me how stunning he thought she was, how he wanted to marry her, and all sorts, and this went on for a good 6 or 7 months. Now, I think that has affected me, he can't understnad this as his general response is "This was years ago, I was stupid and naive, trying to impress you as well and obviously didn't mean any of it"- which I believe, but I really think it has had an impact on me. I think its the reason why I am so distrustful of him and jealous- because I think he is constantly on the look out for someone else. The rational part of me doesn't believe this, but the irrational part of me does!

 

I hate feeling jealous and trying to monitor what he does, it makes him feel trapped and makes me feel like a stupid child. I really don't know how I can put a lid on these feelings! Any suggestions anyone?

 

Thanks

[robowarrior]

Is he with you so you can make his life miserable, are you with him so he can make your life miserable? Of course not, couples are supposed to make eachother happy. SO refuse to give another spin to that wheel of hatred, if one argument is replied with another argument then the wheel of hatred will keep spinning forever,

 

As you can see all these arguments are poisoning your relationship with him. So as of today you will refuse to give another spin to the wheel of hatred don't forget this, even small arguments can lead to BIG break ups.

 

Ask yourself , are these arguments worth my relationship? Of course not. Stop putting darkness and hatred into eachothers lives. As said before make everyone you meet in your life happy by only putting love and light into their lives.

[finewhine]

A couple questions for you:

 

1. Are you getting your PhD?

1a. Could you be intimidated by the fact that he's getting one and you're not because it's outside your realm of experience?

1b. Did you have to relocate for him to get his PhD?

2. What are your hopes and dreams for your own future?

2a. Do you have a career yet? (I certainly had just started mine at 24)

2b. Do you feel as though your accomplishments match his?

2c. Do you ever put his happiness ahead of yours?

[abercrombiegirl]

Robowarrior- thanks, what you say makes total sense, and I try and tell myself this all the time. Somehow thought I just can't seem to control my feelings when they arise. It sometimes feels like having an argument actually gives vent to things, rather than just ignoring the feelings in the first place as I should.

 

Finewhine- I am not doing a PhD no. I am journalist/reporter/presenter and am very happy with the way in which my career is going. I didn't have to relocate no, it all worked out pretty well actually. He is doing his PhD at a university which is about 20 miles from my work place, so it worked out ok. I am not intimidated by him or worried that my achievements aren't up to scratch at all. We are in totally different fields, so there is no comparison.

 

I guess my hopes and dreams for the future are to progress to high level in my chosen career and to be happy with my boyfriend, without all the arguing and horribleness! It's all either of us want! Peace and harmony is all we want.

[abercrombiegirl]

No he never has. Like I said in my initial post, its not that I sit at home or wherever I am everyday and worry about him going off with someone, or thinking that I don't trust him. On a day-to-day level I fully trust him and believe that he loves me.

 

It's if the situation arises, then I get jealous and insecure and I really try hard not to, but I still get those bad feelings.

[kittysaysmeow]

I was in a longterm relationship for 5 years. After about 3 1/2 years I stopped wanting to have sex with him. And man, did I ever feel guilty. After awhile I realized that I didn't want to be with him in a "couple" way but more like a close friend. I thought I was the only one but a few of my friends have experienced the same thing. Sometimes a lack of sex can mean a lack of truly wanting to be with each other.

 

Also, causing fights could be another indicator of this. I did that all the time. "Nothing fights" happened every day and for no reason. I would actually create problems.

 

If you want to save the relationship, I suggest going to talk to a therapist, close friend, etc. Someone that you both feel comfortable with. Try to deal with the issues rather then picking fights.

[still_learning]

Thank you so much for posting this thread. i couldn't have written it better myself. I feel exactly the way you do... he is in a better financial position and all, but that is not where the jealousy stems from. I always felt that it was just me. I'm glad to hear that there are others out there who feel this way as well. Thank you again. I'm getting so much advise from all the replies as well.

 

Just trying to figure things out still....