I'm Convinced...I think

[elithepi]

Ok,ok...I've been checking out the posts and NC seems to be the way to go. Although I'm confused as hell as to why she decided to end cause I didn't do anything to hurt her. "It's just bad timing" Wish I'd known that a year or so ago.

So the NC deal...of course I want to give her time to miss me and not be annoying to her.

She will probably call in a few days or even tonight. Yeah I spoke to her today...it was nice, but I still want to pick her brain and "fix" it. That will not work. NC seems to be the wise move.

What do I do if she calls soon. She made the decision to cut it off. She did say it would be wise to stay in contact to get through this.

Do I not answer. Do I answer after a couple calls to let her know, "hey, I'm making you miss me, wanna come back?"

I'm too much of a soft heart to pull the NC without feeling guilty about it.

She's strong/stubborn and probably will NC me as well. Catch 22 if you know what I'm saying.

She's a wonderful girl that my only problem is she's afraid of commitment.

Most confusing quote: "I just see us continuing to date for a few years and then getting married. I don't want that."

Wouldn't that be a good thing. Why would someone get married if they didn't want to. Why kill any chance at something being good. I'm content the way things were 2 weeks ago.

[finewhine]

Yup, she's afraid of committing - to you.

 

She's confused. Don't contact her. Don't answer her calls, texts, or e-mails. No Contact is for you and you alone to process your grief without interference from the person who hurt you.

 

She might come back, she might not. Hedge your bets and stay out of touch.

[Scout]

You don't have to hurt someone for them to break up with you. I think in your case, she realized she would end up hurting you because she doesn't share your feelings. I know that's hard to process, but I strongly recommend you don't hold onto the "she's afraid of commitment" fantasy. This is something people convince themselves of because they don't want to face that they've been rejected. And so they end up pining for someone much longer than they should, instead of realizing it wasn't meant to be and making a real effort to move on.

 

Hopefully, you'll stick with NC and do the latter. I'm not always on the NC bandwagon, but when a dumper has clearly expressed they're not in love, I am.

[L.J.]

Do I not answer. Do I answer after a couple calls to let her know, "hey, I'm making you miss me, wanna come back?"

I'm too much of a soft heart to pull the NC without feeling guilty about it.

She's strong/stubborn and probably will NC me as well. Catch 22 if you know what I'm saying.

 

If you think NC is a wise move and you have decided that it's the way for you, don't count on it to get her back. Give her all the space and time to figure out the fear of commitment, on her own. It's hard, much harder since you're soft hearted. Give her all the time needed and stay out of touch.

[elithepi]

So I "courted" this girl for 10 months. We slept together but no sex. Eventually we had sex and things were even better cause we got to be friends before the sex. We got to know each other. We became VERY close before the deed, so to say. Yeah 10 months, almost unheard of these days. It's just the way it happened and the whole process was great. Seemed true.

I moved away about 4 months ago 250 miles away. I mention how other people said long distant relationships are tough but we both agreed we were doing fine, screw what other people say.

I visited a couple times a month.

Those visits "added pressure to the relationship" Was a cool laid back relationship before I moved, we saw lots of each other. Now it's too serious!? My distance has added pressure to the seriousness or commitment of the relationship.

Maybe I overcompensated because of the distance. She did mention that when I moved, things started to change. I started laying it on heavy. Hell, I saw her more and practically lived with her before I moved.

I wish I never moved now, I use to be Mr. Cool, distance made me clingy.

Hard to NC I don't know anyone around here. I want to share my new vegetarian dishes with her. See her animals.

Last time I saw her, I was leaving and she said, "I hate this part the most." (me leaving).

We embraced, kissed and couldn't wait until next time.

Then she dumped me over the phone.

OUT OF THE BLUE.....Smack! I have yet to do the BIG cry cause I'm scare to let go. I feel stupid and childish.

I've been in other relationships that I regreted but this one will always be in my heart. She's a good person and made me a better person.

Morning time is the hardest. Tears, dread. We use to call each other in the morning and have coffee and smokes together.

Day time, ugh....

Night time just moves me closer to the dreaded morning time.

 

Movies this past weekend:

High Fidelity

Sideways

Eternal sunshine of a Spotless Mind

I can't do NC. I like writing letters, I'm old fashioned. And too damn sentimental. I'm far away and isolated. At least I can't go banging on her door all night.

[L.J.]

I'm sorry you are hurting. It was laid back and cool when you saw each other a lot before. The general concept that we evaluate or define a new relationship at between 6 to 8 months might hold some truth. That was about the time you moved. You realized that she's a good person and will always be in your heart, want to make it work and want it to be serious. She on the other hand might be rediscovering her space and needed time to find her own bearings. Your over compensating and being clingy only serve to reconfirm how important her space is for her.

 

She's a good person and made you a better one. Give her all the time she need to discover the same about you. The more you pressure her for seriousness and commitment, the more you are going to push her away.

 

You are far away and isolated, can't go banging on her door, but you can certainly open your own for new friendship and embrace life with courage in a new environment. She made you a better person, now it's your turn to make yourself even better and stronger.

[elithepi]

OK. This morning I had a talk with her. I carefully asked some questions that I needed to know. Kept my composure.

I told her I know I'm a good person I know my heart is in the right place.

She said she knew that but maybe it was her heart that was not in the right place. She had a seed of doubt that just pulled her back. She said it wouldn't be fair to talk about the future (change of heart ) because we don't know it. I thanked her for the honesty.

I even mentioned this web sight and how the person doing the dumping but still wanting to be friends was just a cushion for themselves. I did not accuse her of that, I was expressing confusion. She disagreed about the theory.

Finally I told her that I thought it would be wise that I shouldn't speak with her anymore because it would not only hurt me but also hurt her.

I told her that she had the dearest part of my heart and if she ever had a change of heart, feel free to call.

Then I said goodbye.

I felt some closure, Then heavy guilt, like I was the person doing the dumping cause I know she really wants us to remain friends as do I.

Didn't expect the guilt feeling. But I did leave the ball in her court. Whatever it's worth.

Establishing NC seems mean and vengeful.

[need2bme]

NC is not mean and vengeful. EVER! It is what you need. Do you honestly think you two can be friends right now, without you feeling anything? From your words, I would guess not.

 

I too was in the same boat. Trying to do an LDR. She was laying it on thick. When I came around to her way of thinking and wanting to move closer to her, she backed off.

 

Now we are not together. Who knows? Maybe she was scared and maybe she just found reasons not to care for me.

 

Ya know what? It bugs me, but I did not cause this. There is something in her, telling her that I am not right for her or vice-versa.

 

Lay low. I know it is hard. I will sorta break NC this Friday, so I know it is tough. Hang in there and PM if you want, cry if you must, but don't contact her....at least not yet. ;-)

[L.J.]

Implementing NC is mean and vengeful only when it's implemented for the sake of an eye for an eye. Her heart in not in the right place and she is as foggy as you are. The truth is, you expressed confusion and you are not sure where to go from here in the relationship. Staying as friend now will further confuse and hurt you because you are still vulnerable, still hoping.

 

She doesn't agree with the theory because friendship provides a safety net and she'll feels less guilty if she doesn't have a change of heart. Either way, you are the one who's going to hurt. For your own sanity, the best option is take time off from each other to let her clear the seed of doubt. Then it would be fair to talk about the future, whether or not as friends or partners.