Together all the time?

[kelly_ashton]

I've been dating my bf for 3 months in person, 2 months long distance.

 

After the 3rd week he wanted to move in with me (I said no).

 

We're going to be reunited in a few weeks and he's said again that he expects us to only pursue activities TOGETHER, because that's the healthiest way for the relationship. He doesn't see any sense in having separate interests because we should be building a life together rather than apart.

 

What do you think? Is he right?

 

(He's 40, I'm 28, he's divorced, I've had a few relationships with committment-phobic guys, and I really do love him.)

[heartlessromantic]

I think he's moving really quick. I would watch out for red flags.

 

What do you mean that he only wants you two to pursue activities together? Does that mean career or hobbies or...? What if you already have interests that he doesn't have? Are you supposed to give them up or are you guys going to adopt each other's interests?

 

I think it's important for a couple to protect a relationship by being vigilant about emotional boundaries, as in watching out with opposite sex "friendships" and not getting emotionally involved with people outside the relationship. I can't say whether I disagree or agree with him until I get a better idea what you're talking about.

[kelly_ashton]

It means hobbies, what we do with our spare time. He says things along the lines of 'Yes I love horror movies but I love you more so I'd give them up for you'.

 

But I don't want to give up all of my activities (horse riding, girlfriends, etc) for him! He can't understand that sometimes I need space from him. Does that mean I don't love him enough?

[heartlessromantic]

Hell no. If he trusts you and you guys have a solid relationship, I don't see how anyone can claim that because you have some hobbies he doesn't share and you want to continue to pursue them, that somehow it means you don't love him enough. I think that's ridiculous, honestly.

 

Let's take the horror movies example. Maybe he will compromise and not insist on seeing horror movies when you guys go out or rent a video because you don't like them. He can see them with his friends. Or maybe, once in a while, you can see a horror movie with him. But he shouldn't have to give them up.

 

Horror movies is also a bad example. It is such a trivial thing to give up. But if he is asking you to give up going out with your friends, then I would say that's a problem. Unless your friends are guys who are hitting on you or something like that...

 

I think it's important to have activities together and to spend quality time, or at least a large majority of time together, but you have to live your own life as well. In a healthy relationship. you would encourage each other to grow.

[Lost in fairytales]

Only known him in person for a month and he wants to move in?? That is a very big gamble, and i wouldn't do it if I was you. Do you really know what he is truly like?

 

I agree with heartlessromantic, it's critical that two people in a relationship have things in common and do activities together. People are separate being, and everyone should have their own lives. Interestingly, it's always the mystery behind a person that intrigue people to get to know a stranger, and if you are always together, that mystery will dissolve very fast -- before true bonding and affection takes over.

 

So i think it's always smart to leave a little personal space between you and him. Take time to appreciate one another and fall deeply in love, then move in together once you are certain about him.

[skyjuice]

Hi

 

You are wise to be careful because you only known him for one month.

 

I might felt fishy why he move so fast. I would be thinking "Is he hiding anything?"

 

Have both of you go traveling together? Or join some activities together?

[annie24]

kelly - I see that you have been with commitment phobes in the past, and maybe this guy can seem refreshing after all that, but let me tell you, there are red flags here! he seems a bit too eager to move in and start a long term relationship.

 

there is no reason to move in so quickly, or give up all your hobbies and interests! why!?!?!?

 

I am also wondering if he is hiding anything.

 

I think you shouldn't move in until you are 150% certain that you want to move in with him. Wait at least another 6 months, 1 year of knowing him in person.

[RayKay]

There are WAY too many red flags here - I will also say that this does not mean he is also not someone afraid of true commitment as right now he is acting on lust and what he THINKS he wants, not a true knowledge of you.

 

I hear warning sirens all over the place here, both with the quick move in, and the fact he wants you to give up everything for him. Just for the record, true love does not ask you to give up all the things that make you whom you ARE. My partner and I have our own activities that we pursue and enjoy, as well as others we share together, but neither of us would ever ask or expect the other to give up the very things they love and are passionate about. That is just not healthy.

 

Someone whom does expect you to give these things up is showing both very controlling behaviour which can indicate an abusive personality (cutting you off from your social support system), as well as very severe codependent traits which will stifle you greatly and rob you of whom you are.

[kelly_ashton]

Thanks everyone - I'm glad to hear that I'm not the only one seeing 'red flags'. He is a very forceful personality and I don't want to get walked over... sometime's it's just so hard not to cave in when you do love the person.

[annie24]

love? To paraphrase a post I recently heard, you've had gym socks longer than you've known this guy!

 

I don't doubt that there is a strong connection and that you two are really into each other. But, my opinion is that LOVE takes a while.

 

I wouldn't jump into a lease with him, just keep getting to know him and date him. good luck!

[skyjuice]

Thanks everyone - I'm glad to hear that I'm not the only one seeing 'red flags'. He is a very forceful personality and I don't want to get walked over... sometime's it's just so hard not to cave in when you do love the person.

 

Hi

 

I truly understand what you mean on the forceful personality. Working under a forceful person is like working in hell!

 

In my personal opinion, for long term, it is very hard to live with such a person. To me, this is a very big red flag. Don't crave in. Never ever crave in.