my boyfriend is gay

[ifeelsilly]

My boyfriend and I have been best friends for about a year now.

We are insanely mentally and emotionally compatible.

He told me he was bisexual when we first started becoming close.

About four months after we got really close, we started dating.

I broke up with him after a mere ten days because I got panicked about the idea of dating my best friend, especially since we attend college together and he's sort of my sanctuary at school.

We went home for the summer and I just couldn't get past him.

Finally, after about six months of what we referred to as friendship-dating limbo, he asked me if I wanted to give things another try.

I said I did.

He said we'd have to take it a step at a time in order to effectively deal with his intimacy issues.

I agreed to that.

We dated for about three weeks until he kissed me for the first time and it was a quick kiss at that.

We've only had two of those quick kisses in our month of dating as of yet. We've made out extensively while drunk at parties several times, but even then something always seemed to be off.

He just didn't seem all that into it, certainly not as into it as I was, and he would just stop abruptly, as though he could just take it or leave it easily.

I found a lot of gay porn on his computer while using Limewire to download some music I thought he should hear at his house one day.

I had a number of times over the several months of knowing him doubted his bisexuality and thought if he did have any interest in women physically it was something forcibly exaggerated or entirely fabricated; but, I didn't want to believe this to be true, so I blinded myself to it, instead looking for clues that confirmed what I wanted to believe- that he was bisexual and our relationship would become what I wanted it to be.

Finding all of this gay porn unaccompanied by any straight pornography was sort of a turning point for me.

While we were lying drunk together on the couch one night, I told him I was worried he had exaggerated or fabricated his interest in women.

He refuted this and said that he couldn't imagine being with a man in a relationship, that he wasn't mentally or emotionally attracted to men, only physically and that he was mentally, emotionally, and physically attracted to me, but that I was the only woman he could really imagine having sex with.

I accepted that because I wanted to believe it.

On Thursday, he basically came out and said he believed me to be an exception to his not being able to fully be with a woman and the answer to his not being able to fully be with a man. He said that if it weren't for me, he would believe he was gay and that I seemed to be an exception to this rule- the sole exception- and that he believed I was the answer to his not wanting to be with a man- his inability to mentally desire or accept a relationship with a man.

He told me that he believed there was a substantial chance of us succeeding.

He's said before he believes he's in love with me.

I believe it entirely plausible that he's so mentally and emotionally in love with me that he's managed to create a small amount of physical attraction to me but I don't think this attraction can be considered organic or natural or that it's enough to be satisfactory for either one of us in a relationship.

The hardest part of it all is that I managed to fall in love with him in these past ten months.

I love him so much and the idea of him with anyone else is so hurtful and I'd give up just about anything (including my career and most of my friendships) if there were any way to barter for him to become heterosexual or even truly bisexual, but I know that sexual preference isn't something that can be changed.

I am hoping to become an even better best friend to him through all of this but I first have to tell him I don't think it's possible that I am the sole exception to a biological rule about him and I don't think that us continuing to attempt to have a relationship is a good idea because neither one of us will be fulfilled physically.

I think he just so badly wishes he weren't gay, he's sort of made me into his savior from homosexuality. His father wouldn't readily accept his coming out and it would limit his career terribly.

I hate the idea of rejecting his request so much and I wish he would reach this conclusion on his own.

I don't know exactly what question I might be asking with this post. Perhaps I just want general feedback.

[Shadows Light]

I think you're on the right path. You can't be his scape goat. Its only going to hurt you in the end.

 

A friend is worth more than gold. Don't lose your friendship over his battle with his own sexuality.

 

You said yourself... you don't feel he's altogether there and something was amiss during make out sessions. "drunken" make out sessions at that. You've only kissed twice in a months time???? sooooo what does that mean?? that he has to medicate himself, dull his senses to get intimate with you?? uh-uh.

 

This will only frustrate you and diminsih your self esteem as a woman.

 

Be the stronger one in this relationship... be a friend first. Push back on his advances and tell him you want, need his friendship. He needs to find himself... in a different way. Other than through you.

 

Welcome to Enotalone. Pull up a chair. Get yourself a cup of tea or beveage of choice. And read on. Post as much as you like.

[Cadence308]

I agree with Shadows Light. Your boyfriend/best friend is gay. You would be a fool to continue an intimate, romantic relationship with him, knowing this. Be there for him until he's ready to come out. It's up to the person to come out.

 

All the gay porn and the fact that he has to dull his senses to be intimate with you pretty much says it all. It is hard for someone to come out to themselves. It's kind of a grieving process. I know for me, it was imagining what my life would be like with another woman and coming to a place within myself of accepting it. When I was first coming out to myself I thought I was bi-sexual. I think that's the first step, as it's not uncommon for someone who is gay to think or admit that they are bi-sexual, as it still allows them to live the privileged, heterosexual lifestyle. I'm only out to a few friends and it's been over 2 years.

[arwen]

This is very painful for you, and I think also for him. However deep he cares, I think that in the end he won't be able to 'fake' the physical attraction. Although it was a different situation, I recognize a lot of what you write. Maybe it helps to write a bit of what happened to me a year ago. I got involved with a very good friend, a co-worker of mine. We connected emotionally and mentally. But something was off from the beginning, his kisses would lack passion and often be just pecks, he could start making out and suddenly stop as if nothing happened, very much like you describe.

 

I didn't pay much attention to it at that time, I ignored it as good as I could. I wasn't that interested in sex myself, because of antidepressants at that time, and I really enjoyed our relationship (well, friendship in retrospect). In April, after 3 months of 'dating', we were on the couch and suddenly he jumped up, switched off the tv and said 'I need to tell you something'. From that moment on, the truth gradually came out. He said he didn't enjoy having sex and that he never really had. That he didn't have that kind of need at all. I was very surprised but it explained a lot of things. From that moment on, things started to be more clear. We stopped having sex (I knew why it always felt as a chore on his part, so I accepted it without much problems). But after a few weeks, he wouldn't kiss me on the lips, or spend the night. It all broke down gradually. It didn't really hurt that much because the process was gradual, we went back to being friends and still are.

 

Of course in my not-understanding of NOT having sexual urges at all, I suspected he might be gay. I had full access in his pc and worked at his place for many nights while he was at work- but never found ANYthing sex related. That doesn't tell something necessarily, but still. He was asexual (see link removed) We decided not to be involved some time after that, and it was really for the best. He found it unfair for me to be very intimate but only on the emotional level, and he knew I wanted a family (as did he, by the way, the whole thing was a realization for him as well).

 

Maybe you are a step in the process of your boy/best friend to realize this. I know I was this realization of my ex. And in retrospect, I don't mind. We wouldn't have been happy and it needed to be clear for him. So in a way, I helped him. But yeah, at that moment the 'I don't enjoy sex with you or anyone' was hurtful nonetheless.

 

I'd be his friend if you can do that. But refrain from physical stuff, also when alcohol is involved. It's just more confusing for the both of you. I am happy that my ex was honest and it gradually broke down to no intimacy at all. It wasn't natural to him, so it wouldn't have felt right for me either.

 

I hope this helped. Take care,

 

Ilse

[Lost in fairytales]

You are going through an extremely difficult situation, I imagine you must be full of mixed emotions. Allow yourself to take pity/sadness in yourself, you deserve some pampering, maybe ask your close friends for support and comfort.

 

At the same time, he's also going through a difficult situation, and as a good friend, you may also need help him through it. I think once he has settled a little, you can make your final decision for yourself and act then.