limited contact

[Movin on up]

All I read on here is NC is the best thing to do. What about limited contact? Does anyone believe in this also? If so how do I go about that? I think NC is a good thing for awhile but it won't get her back. NC gives her a chance to think over her decision to breakup in the first place & gives her a chance to miss you. Does anyone have any limited contact advice?

[Honey Pumpkin]

I've done (without realising it!) 'planned contact'. Which is a mixture, I suppose - so I would say that I must not contact him for say, a month. Then I could send an email or something (this was a few years ago). It worked quite well, in that I had made a decision, I had to NOT think about him during that month, but I also had something to hang on to. And after a month (we didn't have a bad break up) he was genuinely glad to hear from me, and the space had been fantastic. We got back together briefly, before I left the country.

 

But I think no contact is better sometimes, if you need to get over someone. I think limited contact just strings you along from one encounter to the next, and you're not moving on.

 

Good luck.

[Movin on up]

I understand NC but I guess I was looking for some tips or advice on how to go about limited contact. We were engaged . She broke it off 2 weeks ago

[Ellie2006]

Hi there. Sorry you're hurting right now.

If I may ask, if you went on LC, what are some of the reasons you would be contacting her for?

 

Well, I only ask bc sometimes information that our exes share w/ us may inadvertently hurt us.

I think this is why NC is so advocated by many people.

From what I have read in these forums, I believe people who have children together take the LC route -- so they keep their conversations limited to discussions about their children and do not talk about much else going on in their individual lives.

 

But ultimately, each person is different and you should go with what you are comfortable with.

 

Oops, I see this post perhaps does not answer your question? Sorry. Maybe others w/ more insight can offer better advice...

 

Best wishes to you ...

[Survictor]

You might say try meeting for lunch or coffee once every two weeks perhaps? If that is too much for her, maybe an email once a week. An email would allow you to be honest and pour out your feelings without anger or interruptions. Limited contact is really what you both feel is suitable right now.

[Movin on up]

Thank you Survictor. I have tried to pour out my feelings but she is viewing it as being manipulative & the same old song & dance. Who could blame her after 2 weeks of emails & texts. I just need to know what else I can do. I appreciate the advice you are giving. I guess I need someone to talk to. this sucks

[silentalways]

in life we have three choices - we can view and hold as proirity over others, the positive, the negative or the neutral. whenever i am faced with having to pick from these 3, and in all facets of of lives there will be all three, i pick the positive - so, if i was in a relationship that ended on a bit of a downer and still wanted to have contact with that person i would ensure that my focus on the positives overroad the negatives and go slowly from nc to lc and make sure both agree on what is acceptable during lc - its all about communication, respect and working togther. see, usually the negatives happen at the end and we make the mistake of having those emotions an feelings blanket everything. it is often the case that 80% was great, 20% lousy but because we are impacted back events closer rather than further in our experiences and memories we allow ourselves to become trapped by that. as for what medium u use, i would blend phone, email and actual one on one contact and stay within the boundaries both want.

 

as john lennon said - there are no problems, only solutions

[Movin on up]

Thank you. I know she is really upset at me & the more i try to convince her of how much I love her & that I want to make things right the madder she gets. i hope that after a little NC she'll realize how much I mean to her & she will remember the good times which like you said were at least 80% of the time. My whole thinking behind trying to tell her how much I cared was so she would see I mean what I say, but it is just backfiring. Although it is hard I'll try to give her some space for a while then try LC. thanks again. I'm always up for a fresh opinion on this so if anyone else has any ideas I'll be happy to take them into account

[Survictor]

Why did you guys break up? Why is she pushing you away?

[Movin on up]

She says I have put her on an emotional roller coaster. One minute she knows I care & the next she doesn't know. I don't know how this can true but let me tell you how a typical workday goes. This happens EVERYDAY!! No B.S.I go to work very early in the morning so I send her a voicemail telling how the weather is & what its supposed to be. I tell her I love her & can't wait to see her later. She sends me a voicemail telling me how much she loves me. Then during the day we exchange sweet text messages telling each other how much we love each othe. Then on the way home, I let her know that I'm off work & we finally get to talk. We tell each other how our day went tel each other how much we love each other. We make plans for later & I go home. I work pretty far away from home so it takes about 1 1/2 to 2 hours to get home. I then hurry to get ready & I meet her at her house or she comes here. 90% of the time I'm in a great mood & I greet her with a warm hug & kiss. We hang around talk kiss hug make love & I get up & do it all over. The 10% I sometimes keep my troubles to myself & hide my anger. I'm never violent in fact I think we've only had 3 or 4 arguments in the 1 1/2 years we have been together. She thinks I have passive aggressive disorder & that i should be more open with her. I looked it up & I agree that I may have it to some degree but that if she would stick by me, we could get past this & all of our problems would be gone but she refused & said I should do it alone. She can't take it anymore. Sometimes I think I bring my problems ie, ex wife kids work etc.. home to her too much so I do keep things inside. I have made promises before in the past & did a good job for a while but went back to my old patterns.( keeping things inside & getting angry). What I have told her & I really believe this is that the problems I have are caused by the PA. The catch in this whole thing is I didn't even realize I had these symptoms until AFTER she broke up with me. Since then I have started counselling & I'm working on controlling this behavior. I'm doing my best..theres more I think but I will save it for another time. I'm not violent just moody sometimes. Most of the time I'm pouring out my heart to her & she does the same with me..... I'm really lost & confused.... Looking for answers to show her how much I care without looking manipulative. This story Is the honest to gods truth. Help?

[Movin on up]

She is pushing me away because I have been trying to tell my story & trying to explain how I feel about her for the past two weeks & all I get is I can't do it anymore. I know there isn't another man because of our religion that would never happen. We don't even spend the night together when we have our kids( from previous marriages). I think I hurt her & now she is really mad. The more I try to assure her how much I care & that I recognize my problem the madder she gets.

[Survictor]

So you are cross and she can sense you are cross about something right? So she wonders if she has done something to make you cross? She feels anxious even because she thinks perhaps she has made you really cross.. so cross that you cannot speak to her about it and so she feels put down and disrespected? It does sound as if your mood swings are a lot to blame here and she is never sure of where she stands. I do sympathise. Obviously you need to work out why you do this otherwise you will destroy the relationship for good. I can see why she feels that your moods are designed to manipulate her and why she is reacting the way she does by removing herself from this "roller coaster" relationship.

 

I think that perhaps you aren't ready for a relationship right now and she is handling this situation very well and is right to step back, both for you and her!

 

I think you do need to step back, give her space and give yourself space. You need to feel secure before you can offer any loving stability to your girl. It is because you cannot offer her that that she is stepping away.

 

You, on the other hand are concerned that you have been so volatile that you may have pushed her too far and the truth is, you may have done that.

 

You know, you have to have faith and belief and respect yourself before you can have faith, belief and respect for anyone else and so perhaps the only thing you can do right now is to heal yourself before you can hope to have a stable, loving relationship.

 

Anything you do right now will be seen as manipulative and the truth is it will be. You are lost, confused, anxious and unhappy and are grabbing onto someone as if they can make it all better. She can't do this for you. She doesn't have the magic key. She knows this now and you know she knows this, don't you?

 

I do hope your counsellor will help you through this.

 

If you love her, you will step back.

[silentalways]

after reading your post i would like to first congratulate you on discovering the things that were causing problems for u. i think it is important and shows confidence that you made that leap of faith and told her not only that but your feelings as well. basically that is all u can do because everything else is up to her, and i am speaking of things like associating you with the 'emotional rollarcoaster'. what she is doing by saying that is using that as an excuse, an enabler, to shift the reason for her not trying onto you because you have clearly expressed how you have changed - so, it is not your job to 'make' her change how she feels and views things - that is hers. what i think u need to do now is move on and find someone that doesn't see you in that light. you can only use those 'excuses' for so long and then it becomes a broken record. remember, you have gone from being in her eyes a source of hurt to a changed person and she hasn't moved past the reasons she left you so you are, in a sense, ahead of her in the 'healing and growing' stage. and, one last comment, there is no reason for you to express this to her but you should have, no MUST HAVE, a cut-off point, an idea of a period of time you are willing to stay single and wait for her, and once that passes - move on AND MEAN IT because that is your test - to see if you have really started to demand respect for who you are.

 

i would like to add a few quick questions regarding 'getting back together' with an ex to your thread -

 

1. For those of you who want to do that, do you believe that the longer time passes, the chance of that increases or decreases?

 

2. Is there a certain time limit that you personally have, and once passed - there is no turning back?

 

3. For those who have dumped someone, went thru a long period of avoidance, like a year or more, and you find you want to try again - would pride or stubbornmess hold you back?

 

4. For those who are the ones that were dumped, and went thru a long period of complete silence, and then suddenly an ex told you they would like to try again, would you?

 

5. And last, would you take back an ex if you knew that they had dated others and gotten into a relationship before asking you to try again or would you if someone stayed single then asked?

 

personally, in my case, i have already gone passed what i felt was acceptable a while back [around the 6 to 8 month timeline] and i started dating again. i haven't met someone that i want to be long term with again yet - but i am not letting life come to me either. i'm meeting new people, on a few dating sites, being proactive [like i always have been] and i have a better idea of the whole 'circle of life' thang. i see this time as a great beginning, a new chapter where my old storyline doesn't enter the picture - so i am looking forward to my future, not regreting my past.

 

i hope this helps.

[Movin on up]

These behaviors don't happen all the time in fact we agreed a long time ago we would share our feelings with each other & for the most part I have stuck to that. Yes there are times when I shut myself out but I assure her & SHOW her shortly after that I do care & that it had nothing to do with her. I then tell her what was bothering me & we continue on. I have always made my feelings known to her. Out of the 10% of the bad times it happens very little. Otherwise I am a caring loving & yes secure man. I appreciate your views very much & I can see some of those things you described in fact she has told me some of them, but like i say it happens very seldomly.