My heart is breaking!

[bigheart09]

Well, I went out for a bit tonight. My ex and I have talked on the phone a couple times. The conversations have been light. I think he wanted me to invite myself over today, but I didnt say anything. If we can be civil to each other, then I think I can get over this. One day at a time.

[bigheart09]

Well, it is Sunday afternoon. Last night, I didnt give in and go over to my bf's house. Early this morning, (couldnt sleep) I get a text from him asking if I was up. Then he tells me "I wish you were in bed with me" Then calls me a little later to say the same thing.

 

Two days ago he writes me an email telling me what a disappointment I am and how he will never forgive me for not being there for him in his time of need. Starting that night, we have spoken so much over the phone while he is trying to get over his grief. Obviously, he still wants to be in contact with me. I still cannot get over how mean he was to me, and that is why I cannot be with him.

 

My ex does have a pattern of taking his frustration out on me when things go bad, but this has been the worst. I know I have to stay away from someone like this. Any advice?

[need2bme]

You are doing the right thing. No one, especially a loved one, should have things taken out on them, by someone who cannot figure out things in their own head. Stay strong...

[Beec]

Your only other choice besides just staying away form him, is to sit him down, point out the behavior and let him know you won't tolerate it. That's it, once more, he's done, and you should be hearing an apology before you point it out.

 

We cannot control how we feel about things in many instances. But he could have controlled how he behaved.

 

Whether you give him a chance or not is your call.

[bigheart09]

Your only other choice besides just staying away form him, is to sit him down, point out the behavior and let him know you won't tolerate it. That's it, once more, he's done, and you should be hearing an apology before you point it out.

 

We cannot control how we feel about things in many instances. But he could have controlled how he behaved.

 

Whether you give him a chance or not is your call.

 

Beec, I would love to sit him down and talk about things. But, I know that even if he apologizes, I cannot forget the mean things he said about me. I know that I did everything I could to be there for him, but he feels that I wasnt. My heart wants to be together with him, but my head is telling me to move on. I always listen to my heart, this time I have to listen to my head.

[Beec]

Beec, I would love to sit him down and talk about things. But, I know that even if he apologizes, I cannot forget the mean things he said about me. I know that I did everything I could to be there for him, but he feels that I wasnt. My heart wants to be together with him, but my head is telling me to move on. I always listen to my heart, this time I have to listen to my head.

 

 

As I said, your call. Him getting mad at you for doing what he told you to do, that's not fair. If you cannot or will not get past what happened. End it.

[bigheart09]

So, I havent talked to him all day. I keep staring at the text he sent me saying he wished I was in bed with him. It makes me sad that he is the one who messed things up and saying he wished I was there. I would have been if he hadnt pushed me away. At this exact moment I am okay, but I am having a difficult time staying stable. I have been crying a lot!!

[ImThatGirl]

Thank you for leaving a msg on my thread.... My heart goes out to you as well! PM me if you need to talk!

 

Hugs~

[supernetter]

Let him have time to grieve. The loss of a loved one can turn u topsy turvy and you dont have a good grip of your emotions.

 

But i sense that he is a needy person even before his mum died. Has it always been on what he wants and needs all this while? What about your needs?

[bigheart09]

Most of the time it is about him. I have not really asked him to do much for me in our relationship. From the beginning of our relationship, his life has had one bad thing happen after another. He usually tends to push me away during those tough times saying he doesnt need anyone and he is used to dealing with things alone. He does admit he is a selfish person.

[blender]

Bigheart,

 

Please go to link removed scroll down the page and read some excerpts from the different chapters.. like the one titled: "feeling as if you have to stay".

 

You seem to be in denial that you are powerless over his "life pattern" so unless you want to build a life walking on eggshells and not living up to your own full potential but instead only making an effort to try to get him cured of himself..well that is impossible, that is up to him, and he won't have to do it as long as there is "loved ones" like you to soften the fall... sometimes the most loving thing to do is to let him hit the ground and get up on his own... then he has a chance..

[freedom]

OK.. some saykick him to the curb .. and i would disagree..

Let look at some things here that are important to him.

HIS MOM just passed away!

He is in an emotional roller coaster, He WILL be a wrecked state of mind. Seriously, you have to realise that this isnt easy for him!

Yes he should have told you that he needed to talk, but when someone is going through so much pain they tend to miss out on things and sometimes say stupid and mean things.

Understanding a patience is required.

You have to understand that if the relationship ends is not because of YOU, it is because of the situation.

Finally, it is up to you to decide to continue this relationship (friendship or lovers). Remember. relationships goes through all kind of trials, if you both go through this and still stay together GREAT better for the relaitonship BUT only you wil know whether it is worth it or not. No one else can tell you this. Listen to you inner self. Trust yourself, it will give you strenght. Good luck

[bigheart09]

Freedom, thank you so much for this post. I am trying to trust my instincts. Last night, I called him to see how he was doing and my heart was breaking because I could sense how heartbroken he was. He thanked me for being so sweet as always. I want to be there for him as a girlfriend, but if that is not possible, then I will be here as a friend. I am leaving in a couple days to go on vacation, so I think that will help me clear my head and get things into perspective. Again, thanks so much for your help

[Beec]

I agree with freedom to some extent. But no matter what happened, I still expect most people to have some control over their behavior. I don't see his emotional state as an excuse, in other words.

[bigheart09]

I agree with freedom to some extent. But no matter what happened, I still expect most people to have some control over their behavior. I don't see his emotional state as an excuse, in other words.

 

Beec,

I agree with that as well. Everyone has bad things happen to them, it is how we deal with them. When bad things happen to my ex he feels like he is the only one who has to deal with these things, and that he is exempt from how he behaves.

[ImThatGirl]

Beec,

I agree with that as well. Everyone has bad things happen to them, it is how we deal with them. When bad things happen to my ex he feels like he is the only one who has to deal with these things, and that he is exempt from how he behaves.

 

 

I agree with Beec as well! Some people seem to let every little issue affect their mood and actions.

 

Yes, we must have compassion for their pain and situations but that doesn't mean we should be a doormat.

[bigheart09]

Thanks so much for all your great advice. Being on ENA has been so healing for me. When I am able to give back advice as well, it makes me feel better. Thanks guys.

[bigheart09]

Update:

My ex called me this afternoon. He left work early and was at home when I called him. I asked about the funeral arrangements for his mom that he paid for (that he is not attending) etc etc. He asks me questions but he just does it to make conversation i think. I asked him how he was doing (prefacing with I know not well) and he said he is not doing well at all. I then said he needs to take care of himself and that is what is important right now and that if he needs anything to tell me. Now, I know he wont tell me, but what do I do???? I cannot stand by and have these stupid conversations with him. I have to try to DO something. Please help!

[ImThatGirl]

I'm assuming he's feeling very empty right now (in regards to your comment he asks questions but just to make conversation.)

 

Sometimes I think the best thing to do is make it clear that you are there for him.

 

Would stopping by his place unannounced be out of line? Make him dinner? Or a few dinners to put in the fridge or freezer?

[blender]

Bigheart, again Please go to link removed scroll down the page and read some excerpts from the different chapters.. like the one titled: "feeling as if you have to stay". You have been there for him, and it should be a two way street, I know his mother has passed and that is very difficult, BUT you've expressed that he's always been emotionally unstable, and please know that you can NOT, IN NO WAY "fix" this in him...

[bigheart09]

I keep telling him that I am here for him and to tell me if he needs anything. This is what got us into trouble the first time. He said I should know without him asking. With that being said, I want to take him dinner after work. I wont show up unannounced, because he doesnt like that. But I am going to call him after work and tell him I am coming over for to bring him food and if he wants me to stay I can, if not then i wont. I feel like I am asking stupid questions, and not helping at all.

[ImThatGirl]

I can see where you want to follow this through for the time being bigheart. At such a difficult time in his life, you most likely will not be able to ignore the compassion and helping ways of your heart. And you would never forgive yourself for not helping him through this time.

 

Funny how they assume we should know what to do. And in the meantime we are walking on eggshells in panic of figuring out what it is we're supposed to do.

 

Follow your plan or what you need to do so you don't feel guilty like you abandoned him. But please don't think you can rescue him and that he will be emotionally available quickly. Sounds like he's very possibly emotionally unavailable (even before his mothers passing?)

[blender]

Bigheart, please be sure to be focusing on what is best for YOU as well. He is a grown man, yes, he's had some tough times, but you can NOT fix this for him, no matter how caring, how loving, how "perfect" you are to him, he needs to go on the journey of his healing by making an effort to seek professional help, and also by doing this on his own...

[bigheart09]

Hey guys...just wanted to update you on the situation. My bf confessed to me that he needed me in his life, and that he would talk to someone about his guilt and sadness over his mom. We spent many wonderful nights together before I left for vacation last friday. We have been emailing and talking briefly and he has been very affectionate and open. Then today, I received an email from him saying he thinks he should find a job in another city and start fresh. I called him (im in mexico) and told him that he should do what will make him happy, but not to shut me out.

Blender stated that I cannot fix things for him, and I agree. But, here I am on vacation thinking how things seem to be looking up and that he was making an effort to make things work for us. Making plans for New Years, etc.

I know that he is unhappy with the direction of his life and has been for sometime.

[Prober]

It seems in almost every breakup, the person ending things needs to blame the dumpee so they can avoid having to look at their play in the destruction. It is typical to place all the blame on the other and use that finger pointing to avoid feeling guilt, remorse, and compassion for the mate being dumped.