Ex contacted me yesterday.

[stunned]

It's been 3 weeks since my ex left. I had broken NC on the US Thanksgiving holiday and emailed her, but hadn't heard from her. Yesterday, she phoned. It was awkward at best. I didn't say alot since I am in an angry phase right now and didn't want to say something that I would regret later, plus I'm still ill and coughing constantly. (I'll be glad when I get rid of this bronchitis, it's driving me nuts and keeping me from getting more than a couple of hours sleep.)

 

I did ask if she was going to be able to pick up her things in the spring, which triggered her to ask whether I was going to sell the house. She didn't make any commitments to picking up her stuff or returning my keys. It almost seemed like she wants to leave everything here as a security blanket. I don't know if that means things are very tense where she's at now.

 

Our conversation didn't last very long because of my coughing fits. I definitely feel that there's nothing left to rescue in our relationship. She didn't express any remorse in the way she left without talking to me and was emotionally distant. I don't think I could ever trust her again. It does irritate me that she may not want to sever absolutely all ties with me because she needs a security blanket.

 

I plan to stay in NC. What amazes me is how much my feelings towards her have changed over the past 3 weeks. I was so devistated when she left and just wanted her back; now, I'm angry and don't think I could ever trust her again or live with her.

[pacopaco]

hi stunned,

 

I can relate, man. really. My ex took forever to take her things from our apartment after we broke up. I hated it. It's very irritating to think that thet left you and still want to leave "something." My still has not taken my name off of the car we bought together. It's funny what people will hold on to. sometimes it's the dumbest thing, just to keep a connection. As if the car we bought together defined our relationship. What you need to do is tell her to come get her things. don't threaten to throw anything away, that'll just make you look like a jerk. Just be stern, and tell how things are going to be. I had to, and boy, did I feel better for it. I just said "Look, I want to move forward, and I need you to get your things out of here. This not about you, it's about me. come get your things." that did the trick.

[Orlander]

Sorry to hear that you are so ill, Stunned. I am sure the situation with your ex is not helping your recovery. Both sides can choose to keep "security blankets". If you really want to get rid of all her things you could with some effort.

 

I'm a huge proponent of just telling the ex "If you don't give me the address where you want your things shipped to they are all going to be thrown away." No, it's not mean. It's you making a stand and proclaiming "I'm finished with us and am moving on with me."

 

Cut all ties that bind. Only then can you really start healing.

 

 

Orlander

[stunned]

Thanks pacopaco and Orlander. I agree that severing all ties will help me finish healing. At this point, I don't even see a future friendship with my ex, but I realize that could change with time.

 

My ex was friendly with the 30-something daughter of friends. That woman had volunteered to store my ex's things when the ex first left. I had said no, but now I plan on contacting her and telling her that I've changed my mind and that I'll bring all of the ex's things out to her. (When my ex first left, I had thought I wanted the ex to know she'd have to face me to get her things. Now my feelings are so different. I just don't want any future contact.)

[Orlander]

Good for you!!! If you were meant to be friends, then you will be friends, but you can't be friends until you can only see her as a friend and I seriously doubt that can happen right now. Don't plan for it or on it...just focus on you and remember that anytime someone shows you the door, walk through it and don't look back.

 

 

Good luck and keep us posted.

 

 

Orlander

[L.J.]

Good for you!!! If you were meant to be friends, then you will be friends, but you can't be friends until you can only see her as a friend and I seriously doubt that can happen right now. Don't plan for it or on it...just focus on you and remember that anytime someone shows you the door, walk through it and don't look back.

 

 

Good luck and keep us posted.

 

 

Orlander

 

Hey Stunned,

 

You are making big strikes. Good for you. I agree with Orlander.

 

Take care

[standingby]

Stunned,

You have come along way from your original post! It is still toooooooo early to think about trying to "be friends" with her. You are focusing on you and we see the big and small positive changes over the past few weeks. Congrats on being you...regardless of your bronchitis, you have an amazing resilience and constitution for continueing to plug through your situation (and weather the storms).

[standingby]

Way to go Stunned...I've been reading your posts to other people...you are making a difference for you and for them. Look how much you have gained in self respect and determination in the past month... Congrats on your toughness with nc. Big things are on your horizon

[stunned]

Thanks standingby. I think that it helped tremendously that I found this site early on after my breakup and that I also sought some professional help. Since my old friends and extended family are nowhere near where I live now, ENA and the professional help that I'm getting are so critical. I have casual friends in this new community, but I don't have long established friendships like I had when I worked back east. It's one of the hazards of moving away when you retire. I cannot really talk to people here that much about my ex and the breakup because they really don't want to hear about it. (I do talk to family and old friends but I don't want to dominate conversations with them with breakup news.)

 

Actually, I'm finding that I do better if I don't think of the breakup or my ex. I'm really focusing on me now (and my 4-footed kids). I will be happier once the winter weather is gone. It's keeping me from being as active as I would like, and I think keeping active is extremely important for me. (We got another 4 inches of snow overnight and have snow in the daily forecast through Christmas, ugh.) I also think it's extremely important to keep a positive attitude, even if you have to force it. I know that inevitably there will be bad days when sadness creeps back in, but I think it's important to try to make yourself think positively.

 

One of the things I'm going to do in early January is start redecorating some of the rooms in the house so I don't see as much of the ex in each of them. (We redecorated together when I bought the house.) I found a new comforter, curtains and paint color for the master bedroom. I'm still looking for area rugs for it. I won't repaint the den, but I'm going to rearrange all the furniture. I figure inside activities are safe this time of year and I've got plenty to keep me busy. I do have volunteer work to help, too.

 

I hope all those who are hurting from a breakup will soon see the light at the end of the tunnel. Those in this forum have a great source of support. I hope others who are hurting and have not found ENA will find it soon. Everyone here is so supportive and helpful. I want to say Thank You to all the forum members. You're all great!

[standingby]

All those suggestions are wonderful ideas for self improvement- you've got the right attitude. So, what will you be doing for the Holidays? Yo may want to think this through ahead..perhaps, find a warm sunny place to drive to with your dogs and let them run around on a beach as you spend a few days sight seeing. Make sure you are with loved ones-friends, family or four-footed ones and you have a gift plan for yourself. You deserve a present too, Stunned- maybe get your tractor fixed.. Just checking in with the cold mountain man. How's your online therapy going? Can you give any free advice for the rest of broken-hearted ENA-ers.

I'm actually doing pretty good- I've got up's and downs but I am no longer "hurting" anymore. I just get pangs of missing him now and then...

[stunned]

Hi standingby,

 

Thanks for asking about Christmas plans. I won't be traveling, but I will celebrate both here on ENA and, for part of the day, with a new friend and her husband. I met the new friend in the new not-for-profit that I joined after the ex left. She knew I was alone so she and her husband invited me to lunch at their home. (They lost their only child around 10 years ago so they reach out to people whom they know would be alone as well as some of their close friends and have an annual Christmas luncheon.) I plan to join in the Christmas festivities thread on ENA both before and after going to this Christmas luncheon.

 

We're still getting snow--we also got the terrible winds that hit the Pacific coastline (Washington, Oregon, and B.C.). We've had periodic power outages and I'm just keeping my fingers crossed that it doesn't go out again. This is one wicked winter. I'm going to check with the local hardware store next week to see who they recommend for lawn tractor repair. Maybe if I can get it fixed the snow will stop.

 

A road trip sounds nice, but it will probably have to wait until early March. I do plan to go somewhere before the summer driving season begins and gasoline prices start climbing rapidly. Maybe the Oregon coast, it would be lovely.

 

I did have a great day yesterday. One of the charities that I volunteer for had their Christmas celebration for the local retirement home. The residents were so wonderful and so appreciative of the company, even if they'd never met you before. Makes you put your issues in perspective. I'm really fortunate. I will hopefully get to know many of the residents as friends because we host a monthly get together for them.

 

I hope anyone who cannot be with family or friends on Christmas will join us at ENA. No one needs to be alone. We'll all celebrate together!