To solve a problem one must ‘see’ the problem, grasshopper

[silentalways]

To solve a problem one must first understand and 'see' what the real problem, grasshopper.

 

First of all I would like to thank all of those who have taken the time to comment and provide great encouragement and advice to me over the last few months. Your words have really helped and guided me through some pretty rough patches. The last couple of weeks I decided that I would be a little assertive and 'tell' my ex through postings here [i believe she comes here occasionally] how I understand how much I hurt her and apologize and that I take responsibility for what happened but also to state that I truly wanted us to try again. And over these few weeks I have been extremely hard on myself and decided that I can't do that anymore and needed to start getting my normal life back but I was 'blocking' myself because I felt so much remorse over hurting someone I love and grappling with what I believe is an unfair examination of events and view of my character. So up until last night I was struggling with what I felt was my biggest problem – how do I get another chance with her and rebuild trust and love after hurting her deeply?

Then it dawned on me – this is not the real problem because the cold hard reality of the situation is that is not going to happen – so between puking and journal writing and conselling the real problem was discovered by understanding what it is I truly need to do – that being, 'find a way to let her go and move on'. See, to solve a problem you need to find out what you must first do and then move away from 'inner emotional thoughts' to exterior fact and trace the evidence [past and present actions] from the outcome [in the now] back to the causes and you will arrive at what the real problem is – and then the solution can be found and worked on. This all takes some honest observation, objective accounting of what is know and not known as fact, break that all down and connect the dots, and the desired destination [real problem and what is needed to do] will be totally clear. And that is what I did. I started with what I know to be true regarding what happened and what we both have done in relation to 'after' the breakup. And there is not point boring everyone with the 'history' of things but I think a quick snapshot of the 'after story' will help those who like me are/were struggling.

 

If after X amount of time, there is still no contact between two people, and the nc was started by the one leaving, and the other has made every attempt to apologize, explain, show remorse and understanding and the continued response is no contact or worse – then it is up to you to stop looking at what happened, stop believing things will get better and you will get back with this person and start looking at what 'their' actions are actually telling you and recognize how those actions are effecting you. If the other person has shown zero effort or refuses to have any communication at all then – you must accept it is over and start removing the things you are doing to blame, haunt, and punish yourself. Because in the end, what does it matter what 'corrections and apologizes' are made when the other person does care and has clearly moved on. In cases like this it doesn't matter if things are being presented in a one-sided way or that certain facts are being left out, or even if they will ever like you again because they have already dumped you and moved on. And that is when it dawned on me that I had been doing things to 'show her' and then for myself second [and I realized that was why I wasn't ready to start dating yet] – I had to do the things that are only for myself to heal. And I have 4 of the big 5 things completed now [home now listed – for those who know me they can check the mls listing / registered with programs regarding my issues – already started / start living healthy again and action all the lessons learned, return to a normal existence where work, sleep, exercise, social life and dating / cherish the time shared and move on from the past and not contact the other person – all done] So I think I have finally gotten my life back.

 

So, thank you all for putting up with my ups and downs and best wishes to all.

[D1886]

Great post, I'm still sad, but your post was a good read

[Daddy Bear]

a very informative look at the important lessons that can be learned from a breakup. it sounds like you found a really good headspace to move into.