I hate how I can't trust!

[Azual]

(Kinda Long)

 

I hate it. I can't trust my girlfriend completely... and I don't know why...

 

Okay, that's a lie. Past relationship issues are clouding my judgement and everytime we hang up the phone, or she hops off AIM... a fleeting thought of her going to talk to another man runs through my head. I hate it!

 

She's done nothing so far to really earn my distrust... She had an issue with a guy... she told me, tried to deal with it, then came to me when it didn't work. Told me my best friend said he'd bone her and that she was hot (Note - I was slightly shocked and angered... not because I have a hot girlfriend... but because this guy is supposed to be my best friend... why is he hittin' on my woman?!)... so I dealt with that because she asked me to.

 

I just don't see why I can't bring myself to give my trust 100%... I don't trust anyone completely... but I hide nothing from her, and I know she's not cheating on me... but I can't help but think that she is from time to time and I know this can be fixed but I don't know how.

 

It hurts to think that the woman I love is betraying me... because she doesn't hide things from me... not that I know of (She says she doesn't, so I have no choice but to believe it).

 

I've had a lot of trust issues in the past;

Been cheated on 4 times (1 of which I excuse... never saw her and we both talked about how it wouldn't work, but weren't officially "broken up" according to everyone else)

Step parents have lied to me

Been abused by people I thought I could trust

Friends have left my side/stabbed me in the back

 

I want to stop the whole mistrust thing... I know my girlfriend loves me and won't hurt me, so how do I stop myself from thinking these harmful thoughts... I don't want them... and I fear they'll destroy my relationship with her. I want to trust my girlfriend, but it's hard when everytime she says "bye" I think of another guy in her life... ](*,)

[gfein347]

Azual:

 

I have similar trust issues. While the specifics of my situation are different, the general idea is the same. My girlfriend has given me every reason to trust her, and I still can't do it 100%. I wish I could help you, but I'm going through the same thing. Maybe some people here know how to handle this.

[Azual]

I mean, I don't know why I don't trust her. She gives me every reason to trust her...

It's other people who have hurt me... and it crosses over to her and it hurts our relationship...

[annie24]

you two have been having the same issue for A LONG TIME. many breakups. maybe it's best just to call it quits?

[Azual]

No... everything is smooth now Annie... nothing is wrong... I just don't know why I can't trust her.... she isn't giving me a reason not to...

[p_fred]

I get like that too except with the addition that I sometimes think people are out to intentionally hurt me (physical, theft, etc) Think yourself lucky! I don't know why I think such silly things... usually its when I'm stressed and don't slow down to think straight.

 

If its bugging you maybe try to think of her as a "friend" (even though she is more) .. Would it bother you if a friend was talking to a guy? Probably not.. It doesn't matter then.. maybe you are a little insecure? Just remember that she is with you and forget about the rest otherwise you will scare her away (speaking from experience)

 

Remember the "bar of soap"... squeeze too hard holding on tight and it slips out!

[Azual]

That's kind of what she's getting at I guess? (Talked to her today).

 

She wants me to act like just a friend in public I guess? Like act how friends act... and be me when it's the "Right time"... so I'm hella confused by that and I'll admit I'm insecure... I want to be "Me" around her (I guess I show affection a lot...) and she wants me to act like a friend. It's her requests like this that don't help lol...

 

 

EDIT - She called saying the whole thought of me acting like a friend near her was too confusing and that she was stupid for suggesting it... promised to ttry and help me understand tomorrow morning at school... man...

 

Thanks for the responses so far.

[heloladies21]

There are lots of problems here and I'm sorry to say, but the signs she is showing point to her breaking up with you again. Her hanging out with that other guy some threads back, just everything she does shows that she doesn't take this relationship seriously at all.

 

But saying that, it's all based on how you are. Everything she's doing is a reaction to the way you are, and by looking at your previous posts, the biggest problem here is that you need to learn how to stick up for yourself. Otherwise you're gonna come up with this problem with every chick you ever date.

[Azual]

So you're saying that by sticking up for myself in a relationship all my problems will fade?

If she asks me to do somethin', yeah, I'll do it (Unless it really isn't something I want to do)... I do stick up for myself... just not often because there isn't really a need. That guy a few posts back was something that she came to me when her method of making him go away didn't work...

 

I don't see why I can't trust her... She looked me in the eyes yesterday at school and asked me if I wanted this to work because she did... I said yes...

 

Ain't everything pointing right now pointing to "Trust her"? She calls me daily... practically hangs onto my arm when we're walking... gives me kisses... says "I love you"...

 

Everything seems to be falling into place but I can't bring myself to trust her 100%... and I know it's gotta be a problem with me... And I want to fix it... to where I can be laid back and relaxed...

[JimmerJammer]

Hey there Azual,

 

I couldn't help reading your post as I know I had to deal with this for a while now. I laugh when others will tell me to let this one go or break up or that its going to lead to that, but you know what I've noticed? THIS HAPPENS ALL THE TIME WITH EVERY GIRL! Its me that is the issue, not them.

 

I'll give you the little bit of advice I can that I feel has helped me. The truth is that you already know that there are issues between you two that you seem to be creating. The thought that she is desirable I'm sure is the cause of what sparks the worry/distrust to begin with. I know for me that because there's sooooo many guys hovering around my gf and that they're constnatly trying to exchange things for sex, that it drives me nuts hoping she has the decency not to act on it.

 

But as much as I can sit there and easily accuse her of things and fear about all the things that could be happening, its just as likely that they're not happening and my fear is getting in the way. I know for me its helped to keep a perspective on things as I too have been back-stabbed, lied to and manipulated AND cheated on. It doesn't seem to get any easier and the fact of the matter is that the only part that seems easiest is to not care at all.

 

Yet its exactly that which will create a lot of distance and will no doubt cause her to do those very things or at the very least, leave you. So while no one can make you change, cause you to change or say exactly what will help you in this situation. I'd recommend that you keep it in perspective, that if you're looking to trust in order to love or to give love or to be open with this girl, that means you're doing it on the grounds that you hope there's reciprocity OR that you have an expectation. If this is the case, then no wonder it becomes easy not to trust this girl even when every part of you that wants to be free says to.

 

That is what it means to be free, that is what people struggle with and its what causes a lot of the problems in people's lives. Its hard to see the connection, but you can recognize it everytime you know you should do something but put it off. Or when you should go after your dream, but are stuck in a job feeling too tired and depleted to better yourself. Its always there man and while people sit there always trying to figure out how they can get past it without having to do what is required, they never actually decide to do the very thing they know they should but are too scared to. In this case man you need to trust completely and let go, even through all the heartache, all the pain, all the risk, all the chance.

 

And finally remember this. You're the only one in this world guaranteed to be there when you die, so its best that you recognize yourself as being the most important thing in your life. Regardless of may or may not happen, its how you choose to react and be that decides the choices you make. If you trust this girl fully and she ends up letting you down, is that because you had an expectation? or because somewhere you felt that if you trusted this girl and she did the thing you feared most, that it would be like "see i knew it! why did i let myself trust her!". If that is the case man, you have it wrong. When you allow others to affect you in that way even after you give them your trust, you're not in control because you gave them control over you.

 

I love my gf with all my heart and while she has the potential to let me down, I know everyone else close to me has that potential too. So rather than let it bug me, I know I'm better off having that thought in the back of my mind while doing everything I can to ensure that if that does happen I'll be fine. Then when I love and trust freely, nothing can pentrate me and get to me even when someone decides to show their true colours.

[Azual]

Jimmer... that means a lot...

I read the whole thing (three times!) and I see what you're saying.

 

Guess that I shouldn't expect someone to be different, everyone has the chance to hurt me... That does help...

 

Guess I'll try just knowing that I love her, she loves me, but if she betrays me, it's her loss. (I wouldn't cheat on anyone, rather shoot myself *Drastic yes, I know, but it's how I feel*)

 

Thanks again Jimmer, and everyone who posted.

[jdtx]

I'm going through this sort of thing too. I wouldn't go as far as to say my girl has never given me any reason to doubt her, but for the most part she hasn't. She has only told me one major lie that I know of, but that was a year ago and she fessed up about it. I've been judging her for it ever since, both for the fact of how easily she looked me right in the eyes and fed me lies with a straight face, ..and for what the lie was about. I know I should appreciate that she came clean and she shouldn't have to feel it was a mistake to tell the truth. I don't want her to feel like she can't be honest with me.

 

Unfortunately, I think we're gradually heading in that direction. It's seeming like there are more and more things (mostly minor) that I would have still cared to know and she just doesn't bother mentioning. It feels like she is becoming less open with me, that I'm not as "in the loop" with things as I used to be. This bothers me a bit. It's not like I think anything is going on behind my back, but it concerns me because it seems like she's setting things up so that something serious could end up going on, and me being completely in the dark about it. Basically, most of my trust issues with her revolve around hypotheticals rather than actual happenings. I admit I'm already plenty jealous, paranoid, etc by nature. It's something I try to work on, but there are certain actions she can do to make me feel more secure or more insecure. Considering that I already have some issues on my own, it only makes it worse when she does things to antagonize those insecurities (like going out to clubs, drinking, etc without me). She doesn't like me saying this, but as far as I'm concerned she used to have a bit of a drinking problem before she met me (something I attribute to a lot of the "mistakes" of her past that I still have trouble accepting sometimes). She doesn't drink so much nowadays, not at all right now due to being pregnant, but there is a certain uneasiness whenever she does drink. And of course she likes to combine that with places like clubs, where the sole purpose (contrary to what she thinks) is for a bunch of drunks to get laid.

 

Here's the thing. It's not so much that I don't trust her intentions. I'm sure she would never purposefully cheat on me. What I don't always have the most confidence in is this. I sometimes feel like I can't count on her to behave like the responsible and respectable grown-up woman that I need her to be. Someone who remembers she has a family to come home to, rather than trying to relive her old single lifestyle. I think it's unnecessary and highly inappropriate for her to be putting herself in certain types of situations, especially now.

 

Though I do consider her a good mother now, I have to admit that I do NOT think she was a good mother to her kids before she met me. I think she lived a very irresponsible and "unvirtuous" lifestyle back then. But she's cleaned up her act a lot since those days. I've stayed with her, loved her, and made a baby with her, because I thought those days and that life were behind her (as she has insisted they are).

 

But every once in a while she still wants to "go out" and "have fun" ..in those ways I don't approve of. I tell her there are other more appropriate ways to have fun, but I guess she doesn't believe me. She thinks going dancing at a club and drinking and being around a hundred drunks who would take advantage of her in a heartbeat is every bit as wholesome as going to the movies or a restaurant or whatever. I think it's not acceptable for someone who has kids, ..especially my kid.

 

She thinks I don't trust her, but it's not as simple as that. It's not that I think she will deliberately do anything we'll all regret. But what bothers me is that she would put herself in that situation to begin with. It's like she doesn't care about me or our family. It's not her intentions I doubt, but her responsibility. She has complained in the past that I treat her like a child. Well ..maybe she should quit acting like one. I don't think I ever said that, but I certainly thought it.

 

I also have a mild fear of her getting a little to "friendly" with male friends. Maybe that's because so many of her past partners happen to have been her friends at the time. I don't mind her having male aquaintances/friends, but I admit I would raise an eyebrow if it seemed like she was getting a little "too" close to them.

 

She brought this up last night in a semi-argument we had.

She said "what if I went out with friends from work and I got brought home by one of the guys?"

I said "would you have have been drinking?"

She said "yes. that's why I needed a ride."

 

She concluded that I would automatically assume she had fooled around with him. No, I would not automatically assume that, but I would definitely not be pleased about it, that she had been out drinking. I wouldn't blow up on or though. Not anymore, at least. Getting "overly angry" about that sort of thing is something I need to work on. The guy I wouldn't mind so much if I at least knew him. I would be less thrilled if it was some guy I knew nothing about. But in any case, I wouldn't suddenly go calling her a cheater, though she is convinced I would.

 

It's true that I have trouble trusting people in general, particularly women. I don't know if I can ever achieve 100% in anybody, and if I do, I strongly suspect that would be the day I get screwed the worst. I admit I'm afraid to let myself become completely vulnerable, and thus, completely blind to betrayal should it occur. I can't stand the idea of something like that going on behind my back while I'm totally in the dark about it, being played for a fool. But on the other hand, keeping an ever watchful and paranoid eye on your SO could drive them away and cause the very betrayal you feared (and it's very stressful/taxing too). Obviously that's not a good option. Who would actually want to live like that?

 

It certainly sounds easier to just trust someone. But for some of us that doesn't always end up being as easy as it sounds.