a friend/acquaintance unloaded on me? what do i say (long as usual)

[silky88]

i'm especially looking for the POV of older people on this one, since i'm sort of young and clueless on these matters...

 

so i know this guy, who's about 48-50ish, but not very well. i met him and his wife through one of my exes, and we stayed friendly after my relationship ended. he and his wife come into my work often, together and separately, to eat (i'm a waitress). sometimes i will sit at the bar with him or them when i get off, and we chat, mostly light stuff. i do chat with her in passing when she is alone, but not as frequently, since i don't really like her as much, and she gets crazy when she's drunk (which is mostly when she's at my work alone).

 

he is a really sweet guy, and everyone who knows him agrees. he was very welcoming to my new boyfriend when introduced, and he is also a good friend of one of my best girlfriends now. well, saturday night, i sat down beside him and asked him how he was doing, if he's tried our new wines, etc. -- small talk stuff.

 

he opened his mouth, and a torrent of personal information came out, like i'd never heard from a casual acquaintance before. i wanted to help him, but i wasn't really sure what to say, other than relating my personal experiences (which i also hoped would make him in retrospect feel like the conversation was less of a tell-all oopsie).

 

his story is long, but i'll relay it as accurately as i can, and let you guys know what i said to him. i need pointers as to whether i should follow up on this, or if he was just venting to someone he knows he doesn't see that much and has always been kind to him.

 

so here it is (you'll see what i meant by his unloading!):

 

he and his wife have an age-gap (she's 34) and they also come from different cultures (she's brazilian, he's american). she's really pretty, but seems imbalanced. they both travel a lot for work and also for pleasure. they're quite well-off. he has two daughters from a previous marriage and i have met them at work; they're sweet, well-behaved, articulate children 10 and 12 -- this is rare in restaurants LOL. he and his wife suffered a miscarriage 2 years ago and they went thru therapy separately and together for it.

 

his children have asked to spend more time with him, which his ex-wife was against, but he went to court and gained rights for more time. the children's stepfather recently sexually abused the older daughter , but is no longer in the picture because of that. his current wife resents his children and is mean to them, and recently tried to give him an ultimatum that if he spends more hard-won time with them he has to choose: his wife or his kids.

 

he says she is like 2 different people -- one side of her is sweet and loving, and the other is mean and petty. i have witnessed this myself when she comes into the restaurant. according to him, the younger daughter has even called her a b**** for how she acts towards him and them. he thinks that she has never gotten over the miscarriage, and holds hostility that *he* has been able to have kids, while *she* has not (further fertility probs, i assume).

 

he was saying that her personality has to do with the culture that she was raised in and how mean her father was to her.

 

he was going on and on about this, and i was just shocked and feeling really sorry for him, but didn't really know what to say.

 

so i told him what it's like from the kids POV 'cause that's the only one i have had any experience with (my parents divorced early and my stepmom was pretty wicked for a few years, but has since mellowed out).

 

i told him that he shouldn't let her come between him and his kids. my dad passed last year and my biggest regret was that i didn't get to spend enough time with him due to the divorce/my teenage rebellion/etc. i also told him about the wicked stepmom and how she eventually grew to love me and my siblings and so maybe there is hope for his wife (but MY stepmom was only like 24 when she was wicked -- by the time she was in 30's she was much less selfish, so i don't know if this was false hope).

 

i warned him that my own father's inaccessibility, and choosing often to have fun with his young, hot wife over his 3 tender-aged children was an influence on some of the poorer decisions i've made in my life.

 

so what do you think?

 

should i follow up with this guy? he seemed in need of a friend, for him to confide like this in someone he barely knows. what other words of consolation/advice can i give?

 

i just feel so sorry for him and ESPECIALLY for those poor, tortured children. there must be something i can do...

[avman]

I think he probably just needed someone to listen to him. I doubt he's looking for you to actually do something or try to "fix" the situation. A lot of times people under a lot of stress like that just need to unload on someone they trust. They just want a hug and a "there there" pat on the shoulder.

[pinkelephant]

i agree.

 

 

girls, when venting want someone to give us advices.

guys, generally just want someone to listen to them.

[texami]

i think your reply was just perfect... he's got to know how he has a huge effect on his kids' lives! way to go for hopefully helping him see their side of things.

 

as for follow up, i would let him dictate that one... if he brings it up again you'll know... otherwise just be there to listen and be a friend.

[silky88]

thanks for the input, guys.

[southerngirl]

From the sounds of it, what you did was exactly what he needed. He needed a friend to listen to him and you did that. I dont think theres any follow up needed, when you see him again just say hello like you normally would before.