danman4968 Posted November 26, 2006 Share Posted November 26, 2006 So, I've been trying to be patient with the healing process...trying to wait it out and it just seems to be never ending... she is constantly on my mind, i always message her, sometimes i almost call...but ive been good. i cant seem to move at all...i wake up every morning with her on my mind, i constantly dream of her, i just want it all to stop. i am trying to keep busy with my newly aquired hobbies and work...but it doesnt seem to be helping. "never let go of the person you love" i hear that all the time...whether it be in movies or songs that quote lingers in my head all day long...i just cant seem to let her go...im constantly thinking she may come back. i dont know what else i can do for myself. its extremely frustrating. Link to comment
friscodj Posted November 27, 2006 Share Posted November 27, 2006 Hey Dan- As you know, I've been following your situation since post #1. I really think you need to let her go completely by cutting ties with her. You tried keeping in touch through messaging, and the contact abviously isn't helping you get to better emotional places. I see no other option here other than leaving yourself hanging on the cross in the name of canned sayings and notions like the one you quoted in your post. Link to comment
Lanterna Magica Posted November 27, 2006 Share Posted November 27, 2006 I am 32 now, when I was your age, I felt exactly the same way about my first love, we we're together for 9 months (I still remember!) We would meet up, flirt, sometimes she would not return my calls, I longed to be with her again, it nearly happened and then she met the man she married. Fast forward half a lifetime later and she has 2 sons and her own business! She is a TOTALLY different person to the one I knew, as am I to the one she knew! Time flies so fast! Even if it doesn't feel like it when you are feeling low and longing for love. Concentrate on yourself and your aims, you have so much fun ahead of you, there are so many posibilities! Be open to them and be happy with yourself that you have given and received love...and will again! One day you are going to smile about her and be glad she is happy! You will just look fondly back at a more innocent time and it will make you feel good! Link to comment
surviveitall Posted November 27, 2006 Share Posted November 27, 2006 I went through this once. I grieved for a year and a half, and almost drank myself to death. It didn't go away until I replaced it with going back to school and moved to a new city. Gradually, she faded away. Link to comment
danman4968 Posted November 27, 2006 Author Share Posted November 27, 2006 yea...i constantly hold onto false hope...well...maybe not false completely. she told me a few days ago she is always thinking about me. when i hear things like that i read wayyyy to far into it and start thinking things that arent really true...and i can tell myself they arent, but for some reason i cant believe that they arent true. she will never tell me to just leave her alone, or that its over forever...she always leaves me hanging...so i have no reason to believe it is. and hell, if it isnt then im going to stick around for her. Link to comment
friscodj Posted November 27, 2006 Share Posted November 27, 2006 yea...i constantly hold onto false hope...well...maybe not false completely. she told me a few days ago she is always thinking about me. when i hear things like that i read wayyyy to far into it and start thinking things that arent really true...and i can tell myself they arent, but for some reason i cant believe that they arent true. This is exactly the reason why you need distance from her and this situation. Your going to go absolutely no where otherwise I guarantee it. she will never tell me to just leave her alone, or that its over forever...she always leaves me hanging...so i have no reason to believe it is. and hell, if it isnt then im going to stick around for her. Well, I certainly have given the reigns of my life to a woman before so I understand... Sooner or later (probably later here I have a feeling), you will reach ground zero with this and start taking control of your own life, start calling the shots for yourself, and start living your life again vs. having her live it for you. Eventually, ancillary feelings of frustration, resentment, confusion, etc. will supercede your feelings of perceived "love" for her which are dangerously close to the line of attachment, obsession, and simply living in the fantasy world we all have resided in before called "What If"... "What If" is located between Heaven and Hell. Its capital is Torture. Dan, I think you need to stick around for her so you can earn a Master's in Geography here bro so you can really learn from this and learn you need to stick around for yourself too... Link to comment
danman4968 Posted November 27, 2006 Author Share Posted November 27, 2006 haha, i love your posts...you are right...but i think i am getting near that point you speak of. like RC said - "Too many people refuse to move forward because if they do they have accepted that it's over with and many cannot face the ugly truth." and that is exactly what im experiencing...i cant face the truth...its hard to accept...i dont know how to accept it. because honestly the kind of person she has become is not the kind of person i want...but when we are dating she is fantastic...she is a great girl, but seeing the person she is now is discusting. it may be that im desperate? i just want a girl so bad that im grasping for whatever i have a chance at getting? who knows...i dont. i need a new girl thats for sure. Link to comment
danman4968 Posted November 27, 2006 Author Share Posted November 27, 2006 stick around for yourself too... what exactly do you mean? Link to comment
friscodj Posted November 27, 2006 Share Posted November 27, 2006 what exactly do you mean? You say you're going to "stick around for her" and in the process you are tearing yourself apart. I think in time, you will understand this is not what love and healthy relationships are about, that in "sticking around for her" you are sacrificing the fabric of your emotional well-being. When I say "stick around for yourself too" I mean look out for yourself and your own well-being as well. Nailing yourself to a cross in the name of a woman or feelings for her isn't the way to go...believe me... Link to comment
danman4968 Posted November 27, 2006 Author Share Posted November 27, 2006 i do understand thats not what they are about...but the way i see it...i * * * *ed up, so i have had a few months to sit back and think, and evaluate myself and the situation and do something about it...i believe i have done something and i see no reason why if we got back together it wouldnt work...other than the fact that i dont know what she wants...and neither does she...so thats where my confusion comes in. Link to comment
friscodj Posted November 27, 2006 Share Posted November 27, 2006 Yeah, I understand Dan, I've certainly been where you are at before...and I'd rather sandpaper the inside of my nuts with a DeWalt power sander than be there again... You're in the world of "What If". "If we got back together..." You know what you want, you want to be with her. She could want to be with you but she doesn't. And she knows damn well if she wants to be with you. She's not with you now, is she? She could be with you and be confused but she is not. You need to realize this Dan. So what if she has a change of heart? If "if" was a fifth we'd all be drunk... Link to comment
Juha Posted November 27, 2006 Share Posted November 27, 2006 Frisco you are a masochist!!! Just reading your descriptions of what you would rather do to your privates makes me cringe...but you are also right... Danman take care of you and everything else will fall into place in time... Listen to Frisco minus the sanding of the nuts, unless of course you want to do that... Link to comment
friscodj Posted November 27, 2006 Share Posted November 27, 2006 Frisco you are a masochist!!! I've got to get my point accross man! This is my way of reaching through the computer and slapping someone upside the head! Link to comment
danman4968 Posted November 27, 2006 Author Share Posted November 27, 2006 I've got to get my point accross man! This is my way of reaching through the computer and slapping someone upside the head! might i say you do a fine job haha. Link to comment
Ellie2006 Posted November 27, 2006 Share Posted November 27, 2006 So, I've been trying to be patient with the healing process...trying to wait it out and it just seems to be never ending... she is constantly on my mind, i always message her, sometimes i almost call...but ive been good. i cant seem to move at all...i wake up every morning with her on my mind, i constantly dream of her, i just want it all to stop. i am trying to keep busy with my newly aquired hobbies and work...but it doesnt seem to be helping. "never let go of the person you love" i hear that all the time...whether it be in movies or songs that quote lingers in my head all day long...i just cant seem to let her go...im constantly thinking she may come back. i dont know what else i can do for myself. its extremely frustrating. Hey there, I just wanted to chime in and say hang in there. Friscodj is giving you great advice; wouldn't it be great if we could simply do as he says?! Like someone else said on another thread, it sometimes takes a while for our hearts to catch up w/ our heads ... I do think that it's important to acknowledge and embrace these feelings of doubt and wide range of emotions that we experience post break-up; like you say, healing is definitely a *process* BUT then there does come a point when wallowing in post-break-up pain becomes too destructive ... It's okay to *feel* but please make sure it does not get out of hand, okay? Best wishes to you! Link to comment
danman4968 Posted November 27, 2006 Author Share Posted November 27, 2006 she hasnt IMed me in months...guess what...the night i decide to impliment NC she IMs me...like 2 minutes ago...incredible right? nahhhh not really...i figured so...ill post what comes of this convo Link to comment
danman4968 Posted November 27, 2006 Author Share Posted November 27, 2006 and she asks me to call...i just sent her messages earlier today...asking for another chance...asking her to reconsider...blah blah blah. how pathetic am i...asking the same things ive been asking for months Link to comment
danman4968 Posted November 27, 2006 Author Share Posted November 27, 2006 gah...off the phone...shes the same as she always is...doesnt care what i have to say...doesnt listen...interrupts...is watching tv completely distracted...cant stop laughing.. completely immature...what a * * * * *...well...atleast i heard "there is no reason for you to have hope" during that convo...well...thats something i havent heard yet...wow i really want a new girl. Link to comment
Ellie2006 Posted November 27, 2006 Share Posted November 27, 2006 gah...off the phone...shes the same as she always is...doesnt care what i have to say...doesnt listen...interrupts...is watching tv completely distracted...cant stop laughing.. completely immature...what a * * * * *...well...atleast i heard "there is no reason for you to have hope" during that convo...well...thats something i havent heard yet...wow i really want a new girl. Ok, D, Let me get this straight: * She doesn't listen to you. * Nor does she care to listen to you. * She shows you that she could care less what you're saying by: a) interrupting you b) letting you know that she's distracted by the TV *She's immature * She's told you verbally for the first time, perhaps, but numerously via her actions that you should NOT stick around I don't mean to be harsh, but why do you want to get back together with her again? Link to comment
friscodj Posted November 27, 2006 Share Posted November 27, 2006 gah...off the phone...shes the same as she always is...doesnt care what i have to say...doesnt listen...interrupts...is watching tv completely distracted...cant stop laughing.. completely immature...what a * * * * *...well...atleast i heard "there is no reason for you to have hope" during that convo...well...thats something i havent heard yet...wow i really want a new girl. Well, if our words can't get through to you Dan maybe her's can. What she said to you speaks for itself. Hopefully you'll start listening, believing, and taking action. To do anything else would be nothing short of ridiculously and comically pathetic at this point Dan... Link to comment
danman4968 Posted November 27, 2006 Author Share Posted November 27, 2006 I don't mean to be harsh, but why do you want to get back together with her again? i guess because when we are dating she is a completely different person...she doesnt drink, she doesnt talk on the phone to me about completely random rediculous things and interrupting when i have even the smallest thing to say, and she is completely selfless...but she is totally different to me now...and i guess i was just thinking that maybe if i got back with her things could go back to how they used to be...but in order for that to happen she has got to be willing to do it haha. so ill let it go...im going to stop talking to her and accept what i heard last night. you know i have never ever in my life tried to pick up a girl before...and might i say i am horrible. im not sure where to go...or what to say or do...i just dont want to be single lol. Link to comment
friscodj Posted November 27, 2006 Share Posted November 27, 2006 Whoa Dan! Buddy! What a loaded post! 1) You wish things would go back to the way they were. God knows I understand and sympathize with you Dan. Believe me, I have been there before. The thing is Dan, you can't go back, even if she wanted to. You guys are going through times in your lives where you will both change a lot. I am probably 2-3 people removed from the person I was at 17-18. The person you dated is gone Dan, and she is not coming back even if she wanted to. Neither you or her can undo time, the development, the changes, even though you want to. I see this very clearly because I have been there before. You are there now. In order for you to have been there (past tense), this situation has to be put in the past. And you are headed in that direction Dan, albeit taking the rough and bumpy road but one that will probably give you the most educational benefit. 2) Your second paragraph very clearly tells me the core motivation for you to hold onto this is because a) you are afraid/unsure of meeting someone else and sharing deep feelings with her again, and b) you don't want to be alone. First off, I have been there too buddy! And you know what? Every single time I say that, another opportunity comes along. Every single time. And you don't even want that right now because you are not ready for it. You are still hung up on this situation with your ex and introducing someone new into the mix would only confuse you more and people would end up getting hurt, including yourself. So my point there is don't sweat the future. You are 17 years old Dan. When I say you will have many, many, many more experiences with women and love, I mean it. You can hold me to that statement too. Secondly, the deeper issue of the deeper issues here is that you feel like you inherently "need" to be with someone. This mindset is not a solid foundation for any relationship. You want to find happiness within yourself and your life and share that with a woman vs. making her the source of it. Is there something else going on in your life that might be generating such feelings? Were you happy with your life before you met this woman? At any rate, you absolutely need to get comfortable "in your own skin" like this before seeking a relationship with any woman. And now is the perfect time to start working towards that end. Keep busy building and living your life outside of relationships and women and believe me, love will find you again. Your job is to be prepared and ready to nurture it in a healthy relationship by finding happiness and love within yourself to share with your dream girl when she comes along. Link to comment
danman4968 Posted November 28, 2006 Author Share Posted November 28, 2006 yea...i guess right now i just want to move on with my life...and i think dating someone else will help...like i have stated in other posts i am 17 and thereforeeee do not expect to meet my "dream girl" i just want some more good times! lol. thinking about it...i can have those same good times with anyone i meet, and hell i know ill find someone better because i was never really satisfied in the relationship in the first place. i only want her back because i cant have it..well desperation plays a part in that as well...but anyways i am looking for nothing more than a fun girl...a clean fun girl lol. i think i am ready, do you think that what im saying is right? that it is not her i misse xactly...more of old memories that i feel i can have with another. Link to comment
Ellie2006 Posted November 28, 2006 Share Posted November 28, 2006 Hey Danman, I think Friscodj makes a very good point about your "inherent need to be w/ someone": I agree that maybe taking some time to think about what external factors might be driving this sense of urgency within you would be beneficial. Re: your ex: i may be off base here but i feel as though you, to a certain extent, are *allowing* her to be disrespectful towards you. I feel like you have given her too much power to hurt you time and again. PLEASE STOP!! TAKE THE POWER BACK!!! (haha, sorry for overemphasizing but thought it was crucial to get this point accross! ) Best wishes to you and happy holidays! Link to comment
danman4968 Posted November 28, 2006 Author Share Posted November 28, 2006 PLEASE STOP!! TAKE THE POWER BACK!!! (haha, sorry for overemphasizing but thought it was crucial to get this point accross! ) how do you suggest i do that...just stop talking to her or something? Link to comment
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