Timing in group conversations

[Celadon]

Anyone else deal with this? I have the worst sense of timing in group conversations. You know how sometimes everyone's talking at once and people just jump in? I need some advice on when to jump in. Seriously!

 

Maybe I shouldn't think so hard, but I end up interrupting people when they're still finishing a thought, or waiting too long and someone else jumps in. I can't figure it out!

 

It's like someone will say something and I'll want to jump in right then, but I don't because they're still talking, so then I try to hold on to that thought, but then the opportunity passes to say it because the conversation moves to a different topic. I can always say, "Well, back to what you said earlier," but it seems to stop the flow of the conversation.

 

A second question I have is ... how do you speak so that other people really listen to you? I notice that some people start speaking and they have the floor. No one dares interrupt them. When I speak, it seems like the moment I pause for a millisecond, someone else jumps right in.

 

Help. I'd really like to figure out this whole group conversation thing. Any advice welcome. Thanks!

[Newo Ikkin]

I'm still trying to master it too, so my hat comes off to you for even having a go!

I'm often to dominant, or too mousy. I can never get it right either.

Eye contact, volume and body language are good keys to keep attention.

Another thing I've been told is, when working in a group/having a group conversation, a way to refrain from appearing dominant is by agreeing with what the previous speaker has said, then adding your own comment to it. That way, it shows you have listened to and comprehended the ideas of others, but you also show independent thinking.

 

Just my two cents...sorry if it didnt help!

[rose2summer]

Hmm..I love group conversation so hopefully I can help,

 

When you want the floor, you should try to make eye contact with all involved.

 

That means, as you talk, look directly into the eyes of each person you want to listen to,

 

And you can interject questions to engage them like "has that ever happened to you"

 

Or something of the like at least,

 

That way your audience is interested,

 

Now, how to actually initiate the conversation when another had the floor,

 

When they just finish the topic they were covering,

 

Is your chance to hop into the conversation,

 

You don't need to wait until they are fully done talking,

 

Just until they are done talking about that specific topic,

 

And find a leader into what you want to say,

 

For example, let's say the conversation is buying a car,

 

The original speaker is talking about buying car X,

 

You want to talk about car X,

 

So when they just finish their topic that you want to talk about too,

 

You say, oh, I was thinking about buying car X too.

 

The key here was showing you relate to the original speaker by saying too or something that shows commonality.

 

Hope that helps.

 

Hugs, Rose

[AwdreeHpburn]

hmmmmmmmm.....I think a lot of us struggle with this. What I find helps, is confidence and knowing your place in group settings.

 

Sometimes, just adding a line to the tail end of a converstaion can be a nice start. You don't need to add a full thought or come up with your own story. Just a comment.

 

I am usually a conversation flow- er not initiater. I can keep the flow going, but am not a talker or convo starter. I simply ask a question to keep someone talking. Or I'll crack a joke that will spark a laugh and get those who are uncomfortable with silent pauses talking again - that's a good way to change the subject without actively starting a new topic.

 

Maybe you're a listener - or a flow-er - or a starter - find your place, accept it, be comfortable with it. Sounds like Rose is the starter, the story teller that we all love to listen to.

 

Be comfortable with silence. There is usually always SOMEONE who can't handle it and will start talking....

[Dako]

Good tips so far.

I used to belong to an art and politics discussion group.

One reason they were so interesting was the care they took to actually listen. In a business setting, politics and showmanship can make it tough to get a word in, and some other groups are too chaotic to bother.

Shouting or invisibilty don't work, but having a pertinant comment during a pause or raising a hand is sometimes useful. Eye contact is a must.

 

If you're at a social gathering and one person is "holding court" you can try to change the subject to suit the others who feel left out.

[Batya33]

Something I recently read again that again rang true for me - the best listeners do NOT think about what they are going to say next - they practice trying to put themselves in the speaker's place to aid good listening. That way, you reduce the risk of interrupting because your focus is on rapport with the speaker, as if you were the one speaking.

 

And, try to prioritize not interrupting over getting your two cents in/looking for a way to jump in. Risk is you will never get a word in edgewise but in my experience, people always find you much more fascinating if you say nothing and let them speak as long as you are actively listening.

 

Also, pausing after the person is done makes the person think you are really trying to absorb and give thought to what was just said (even if you are not. . . . ) Works great on interviews when you are asked a question.

[strwberryshortcke]

Don't think on it...just do it!

 

I used to have this problem too and missed out on alot. Try not to be sub-conscious about it because when you are, you end up saying absolutely nothing and that's no fun.

[Batya33]

IMaybe I can't answer the first question, but I think I can answer the second question; it seems to me that people give the most respect to those that are loud and confident. You have to make sure you really dominate the group when you're speaking; make eye contact with all of them, speak loudly and clearly and try and make yourself more interesting to watch by expressing what you're saying in some body language as well (I notice those people who never get interrupted also move their arms and hands around a lot to emphasise whatever they're saying).

 

In my experience people get turned off by loud people very quickly. By contrast, when someone speaks in a pleasant tone and pitch and he is not quiet but not loud, people will move closer if necessary in order to hear him.

 

The other option is to avoid group conversations and focus on one on one.

[bulletproof]

It's like someone will say something and I'll want to jump in right then, but I don't because they're still talking, so then I try to hold on to that thought, but then the opportunity passes to say it because the conversation moves to a different topic.

 

A second question I have is ... how do you speak so that other people really listen to you?

 

I feel like these two sentences are the answer to your question. A previous poster here mentioned listening as opposed to thinking about what you're going to say and waiting for your chance while someone is still talking, and I agree with that 100%. In order to become a better conversationalist, you have to become a better listener first. This helps in a couple of ways. Not only do people love a good listener, but you also get to observe how others speech patterns, mannerisms, choices of topic all either work or don't work in terms of good conversation.

 

Good luck!

[turqoise]

I still get nervous when there`s more than one person I`m talking to, afraid to be left out. The things that have helped me the most are:

1. start with talking in a pair situation rather than a group.

2. listen to them - show this by asking questions.

3. when you practice and get comfortable with 1&2 you will find yourself adding comments of your own spontaneously.

4. in a group situation, go back to 2.

 

One thing I do which stops people from listening, is not finishing my sentences with conviction. So people get used to thinking that I`m through talking when I start fading off mid-sentence and talk over me. Similarly, I went through a phase where I agreed with everything everyone said and laughing. Same thing - people expected me to not say anything worthwhile so talked over me.

 

Lastly, I think it`s also important to make sure you`re in a group where you`re comfortable with what they talk about in general. If they talk about things that aren`t interesting to you or on the same level, it`s going to be hard to gain confidence trying to talk with them.

 

ps. with you wanting to jump in, I think it`s ok if it`s just to voice agreement. a short burst of `yeah!` will not stop the flow of the person who`s talking, and encourage them you`re listening and enthusiastic, plus you can feel like you`ve expressed yourself spontaneously.

[Celadon]

Wow these are great tips everybody! I thought maybe I was the only one who dealt with this situation, but I'm glad I'm not. (Thanks, enotalone! ) I appreciate hearing from those of you who are successful in this area, too, to help me see what's going on.

 

I realize I do "fade" at the ends of sentences, so I'll watch for that. And I've been a good listener in the past, but I think speaking takes different skills that I need to develop. I'm going to start trying out some of the things everyone's suggested here.

 

Thanks again!!