i moved too fast... is there any hope?

[marthamydear]

i am a 21 year old female, and the guy in question is 26. we had been dating for a couple of weeks, and we both seemed very interested in each other. in retrospect, i realize that early on, my level of interest in him was higher than his interest in me. at the time, however, i was oblivious, blinded by the overwhelming feelings i had for him. we moved very fast physically, and i (very stupidly) initiated sex after only about 2 weeks. at this point, i anticipated that we would be in an official relationship very soon (i would not have slept with him if i didn't think we would be together). we kept seeing each other for maybe two weeks after that, and sleeping together, but he started seeing me less and less and avoiding my calls and emails. i freaked out, seeing he was losing interest in me, and briefly turned into a "psycho," calling and emailing way more often than i should have. after about 5 days of NC on his part, i decided to do the same. there has been no contact for almost 2 months now, save an email he sent about 2 weeks into the mutual NC, apologizing for his lack of communication, saying it was due to a serious family crisis where he had to leave town for a few days. at the end of the email, he said he would call me. he hasn't, and i haven't responded.

 

i can't stop thinking about him. i know that i only knew him briefly, but in that time i felt an attraction and chemistry that i've never felt before. i went through a severe episode of clinical depression for about 2 weeks after he disappeared. i lost 10 lbs, couldn't sleep, called in to work almost every day and fell totally behind in my classes. i felt worthless, slutty, immature, ugly, undesirable, desparate, and pathetic. since then i have gone on meds and have pulled myself together somewhat, but the pain is still there every morning when i wake up, throughout the day, and every night when i lay awake in bed and wait for my sleeping pill to knock me out.

 

i've been on a few dates with another guy who is very nice and interested in me, but i can't help but compare him to my old guy. he just seems boring and plain, no one who could ever really know me. i wonder if old guy thinks about me at all, if he lost all respect for me, if he finds the thought of me repulsive and hopes he never has to see me again. i wonder if he's dating some beautiful, smart girl who won't just give it away like me.

 

i feel awful. i regret my mistakes so much because i know there was potential for something real and meaningful, and not just sex. the times before we got physical were wonderful and fun and comfortable, and i know that at first he felt that way too. i got carried away, was too available to him, and he couldn't take me seriously.

 

my mind tells me that i have to get over him. but i just don't want to. for some reason, i am holding on to this dearly. i can't accept that it's over. i tell myself constantly that he won't contact me, and i'll never run into him in public. but i'm still hoping that he will realize i made a mistake, and underneath there is a girl who could be something amazing to him.

 

is there any hope for us? should i break nc? when do i give up? how do i let go?

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

I think when he emailed you and told you about that family crisis he was just making an excuse, and he may have partially been trying to make you feel better, and partially trying to clear his own conscience.

 

If he had been really interested, he would have called when he said he would. Heck, if he had been serious about it, he wouldn't have sent you an email to explain his disappearing act, but would have simply telephoned you in the first place.

 

I think you should not beat yourself up over this. Getting dumped by someone you're really into does suck, but it doesn't reflect that you are a bad, ugly or undesireable person.

 

Also, it's easy to second guess actions you took or didn't take, and to blame the fact that you got dumped on those. But it may just be that he just wasn't the right guy for you no matter what you did or didn't do.

[blender]

okay, first thing is to take a deep breath and realize that your ego is just a bit wounded, love, real love, is not this complicated, but when our egos get involved we feel so "used, disgarded, and rejected" but he did not reject YOU, he just rejected himself, he doesn't want to be in a relationship, and he got nervous, that has nothing to do with you, it just wasn't meant to be right now with him.. that's all...

 

When we get wounded like this, our hearts glorify the ex, as if they are "perfect" for us, and we can't think clearly... it's normal for you to be hurting, that's okay, sometimes in life we don't always get what we "want" but we do get what we "need"

 

And right now you need to forgive yourself for whatever you are beating yourself up about, and you need to love yourself and have gratitude that you didn't waste anymore energy and your precious heart on a relationship that would have ended anyway.. he is NOT ready... so try, try, try, not to take it personally..

 

YOU are going to meet so many new people, you have so many adventures waiting for you, you can learn from this, fate has a way of helping us make "mistakes and have lessons" with certain people we date, so we are more prepared for the "right" one when they come along.. .this was a "lesson", and I know it hurts, but you will get through this..

 

Do not contact him, that is not a good idea, I know there are moments where you think you want a "fix" of contacting him and asking him, why, and how and whatever.. but HE does NOT hold the key to your happiness, YOU do..

 

And it starts with self respect, start today, one day at a time, saying to yourself, "I have too much self respect to contact a man how made a choice to leave me, I am only going to give my energy, my heart, and my body to someone who can respectfully love me, the way I love them, anything "less' is not going to get my time, energy, or my precious heart".

 

Letting go right now is the MOST ATTRACTIVE thing you can do...

 

You will grow past this pain, I promise, keep writing here, keep venting you feelings, cry your eyes out, be proud of yourself for having the courage to learn from this, and to know that it's okay to be sad for a bit, it's part of growing... YOU are on to a wonderful future, believe it, don't look into the rearview mirror for too long, it only causes us to emotionally crash.. make a choice to look ahead, and embrace the mystery of what wonderful adventure, love, newness, lessons, await you....

 

You're gonna be okay..

[marthamydear]

thank you. i know all of this in my head, but it's so hard when i have these overwhelming emotions creating a blockage. i know this is an opportunity for me to confront and address some serious personal problems that i have been suffering from for years: my low self esteem, independence, and self respect. it's just taking me so incredibly long to get over this, and i just wish i could stop feeling this way!

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

I know it seems like he was a great catch and you'll never meet another like him, but keep your head high. He doesn't sound like he realized what a great catch you are, so how great can he be? You need to hold out for a man who thinks you're the best thing since sliced bread, and for the long haul, not just at first.

[blender]

yes, it takes time and we all want the pain to hurry up and go away... I've been there too... but in life 'pain is inevitable but suffering is a choice" so try to stop "suffering" embrace your heartache, cry your eyes out, and then get busy being proud of the fact that you've been through all this and will get up and smile, and find your sense of self again...

 

it's so empowering when we just get through the day without crying our eyes out after a break up, it took me almost a year of crying the shower each morning before work, before I finally got mad at myself for wasting so much energy missing him that I could be putting into making myself, healthier, more independent,

 

and guess what, I did it, I got through it, toughest thing I ever did, I went "no contact" and one day at a time, I kept saying to myself, "have the self respect to let go"

 

And one day I made a choice to just fake a smile, I was walking thorugh the grocery store, in so much emotional pain, couldn't stand buying food for just me... but I made a choice to force a smile and thought, "get over yourself, you're not the ONLY person with a broken heart"...

 

As I paid for my food, the check out lady at the grocery store smiled at me, said, is that all? and i said, yep... then I said: "How are you doing today?" and she smiled back and said, "fine and you" and I said, "just nursing a broken heart" and I sighed.. she looked at me, and said, "we've all been there baby, it just makes you stronger and better if you choose to be"...

 

wow, what a gift from a complete stranger.. all the high cost therapy, friends advice, etc...that stranger gave me so much hope that day, and direction..

 

YOU can make a choice to look ahead, not behind you, staring in the rearview mirror too long only causes us to crash emotionally, so start looking ahead, embrace the mystery and adventure of what the future holds, you are going to be fine, great, even better...

 

Breathe, have gratitude for all you do have in your life, even if it's just being thankful you have a roof over your head... and remember you are precious, and you will find love..once you take the time to have the courage to walk through this, and smile... the best is ahead of you...

[TxRedheadGuy]

From a guy's POV, given what you have said, it sounds as if he saw the relationship going a lot farther and faster than he could handle. Guys - well we freak out sometimes at situations like this if we aren't ready for the comittment. From experience, I don't think he saw you as slutty or too easy, more likely that he just wasn't ready to handle a relationship of that intensity at that time.

The family emergency does sound like an excuse - and possibly one he regrets making. I have done similar when I was young and when I didn't receive a reply I took it as I didn't deserve one after what I had done.

If you care about him, try calling - the worst that could happen is he could say yes