Rent

[Ellie2006]

I don't think you're out of your mind. Not a tiny bit ...

 

But I really don't know much about your relationship w/ your gf so I couldn't really say if her expectations are fair or not ...

 

How long have you guys been dating and did you guys *discuss* (not argue) any of this before? Did your gf say from the get-go that she expects the man to be the breadwinner (or words to that effect)?

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

Being the person who is signed on the lease and has the commitment, and has all of the services in their name, and showing up on their credit report is a bigger commitment. Have you considered that?

[bitterbear18]

Never talked, always argued... which is why I'm here trying to get some clarity of mind.

 

Breadwinner is one day down the line. I've told her many a time that it would be appreciated if she paid from time to time cos it adds up. I'm barely breaking even and if you account going out etc and paying I'd be in debt. I told her all of this, falling on deaf ears.

 

Issues : money and control. Straight up.

[bitterbear18]

Being the person who is signed on the lease and has the commitment, and has all of the services in their name, and showing up on their credit report is a bigger commitment. Have you considered that?

 

I'll put my name on the dotted if need be.

But I'd want to clear up expectations first - if we could ever do so without a fuss being kicked up by her.

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

Never talked, always argued... which is why I'm here trying to get some clarity of mind.

 

Breadwinner is one day down the line. I've told her many a time that it would be appreciated if she paid from time to time cos it adds up. I'm barely breaking even and if you account going out etc and paying I'd be in debt. I told her all of this, falling on deaf ears.

 

Issues : money and control. Straight up.

 

Yes, but isn't she paying for the shampoo, the milk, the ketchup, the vacuum cleaner, the trash can liners, all the little things that add up and are necessities to run a comfortable home?

[bitterbear18]

Yes, but isn't she paying for the shampoo, the milk, the ketchup, the vacuum cleaner, the trash can liners, all the little things that add up and are necessities to run a comfortable home?

 

Ah - as I said I'm paying for misc. costs.

Those, as aforementioned, are the misc. costs.

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

I'll put my name on the dotted if need be.

But I'd want to clear up expectations first - if we could ever do so without a fuss being kicked up by her.

 

Well at this point, it sounds like you are over-playing the victim card here. Some things might not be fair on your end, but it's most likely that many things are also not fair to her.

 

Sorry to sound harsh but it sounds like you (and possibly also she) need to do some maturing before entertaining thoughts of cohabitation.

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

Ah - as I said I'm paying for misc. costs.

Those, as aforementioned, are the misc. costs.

 

And you said she was paying for the rent. Who's paying all the utilities and services?

[FortunateOne]

Being the person who is signed on the lease and has the commitment, and has all of the services in their name, and showing up on their credit report is a bigger commitment. Have you considered that?

 

Leases and utilities don't get reported to the credit bureau unless you're in collections.

[bitterbear18]

I'm sorry teddy, but have you been reading closely?

I pay for everything except her half of the rent.

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

Leases and utilities don't get reported to the credit bureau unless you're in collections.

 

Yes I know, that is my whole point.

 

And when the person who's name it is not under fails to pay up, the person who's name it is under is the one at risk.

[Ellie2006]

To be honest, I can't quite understand ... if she equates money with control, why would she want to relinquish her control by having you pay for everything? (Maybe I am missing something here )

 

For what it's worth, I *personally* don't agree w/ your gf.

 

Maybe she thinks that the man should be the sole breadwinner and the woman should taken care of.

 

I may not necessarily agree with her but it doesn't matter if I agree w/ her or not. WHat matters is do YOU agree w/ her?

 

Do YOU think that the man should be the sole breadwinner

OR

Do YOU want more of an equal partnership type of deal?

 

If she wants the former and you want the latter, then this is a compatibility issue, no?

 

So do you think this is an issue that can be resolved or not?

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

I'm sorry teddy, but have you been reading closely?

I pay for everything except her half of the rent.

 

Ok I was just not clear what you meant by that.

[FortunateOne]

Ellie'06 is right on. You need to figure out what you want.

[bitterbear18]

I think she wants control of 'my' money and thereforeeee the decision making.

On the outside it would seem I'm the so-called breadwinner, but she's really pulling the strings.

I don't mind being a breadwinner when I have the money. Plain and simply. I have told her many times I simply can't afford this.

She might run the risk of bearing the costs, but as I have said I am willing to SHARE the costs, but not BEAR all the costs.

I think I have been logical and fair in my approach.

Could I have handled it more maturely? Of course.

Is this situation salvageable? I hope so.

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

Yeah, I'm not totally against you here, but I'm also leaning more towards thinking that it sounds like she is paying out a significantly higher portion of her monthly income on your shared living expenses than you are on your shared living expenses. True? Or no?

 

Some might think that's fair, and some might not.

 

Either way, yes there are some who would gladly step up and do whatever they could, and maybe that is what she wants, not a ' * * * for tat', scorekeeping type. Maybe I'm wrong, but I'm not really convinced that is such a wrong desire.

[bitterbear18]

afford this - as in at this point in time.

i've paid up from now until the beginning of december.

let the situation simmer then try to talk through this.

if she'd want to work it out then we have two weeks.

i think i have done all i can.

[bitterbear18]

Yeah, I'm not totally against you here, but I'm also leaning more towards thinking that it sounds like she is paying out a significantly higher portion of her monthly income on your shared living expenses than you are on your shared living expenses. True? Or no?

 

Some might think that's fair, and some might not.

 

Either way, yes there are some who would gladly step up and do whatever they could, and maybe that is what she wants, not a ' * * * for tat', scorekeeping type. Maybe I'm wrong, but I'm not really convinced that is such a wrong desire.

 

no, % wise it would be me paying 80+% of costs. I don't think it's this for that, but when you are in your mid-20s being in debt is not cool.

having a non-understanding girlfriend makes it harder.

[FortunateOne]

When is her lease up or expires?

[bitterbear18]

in august of next year

thats why i'm giving it attention.

imagine this going on for the next eight months

[Ellie2006]

Hey Bitterbear18,

 

If you *want* to salvage your relationship, then don't give up yet!

 

Hope you don't feel like I am being harsh here but could you be sending her mixed messages??

 

You said that you don't mind being the "breadwinner" on the condition that you have the money.

 

BUT now, since you don't, you want her to contribute.

 

I don't know where the miscommunication occurred but maybe she resents the fact that you told her you'd be the "breadwinner" but now is expecting her to pay for half?

 

 

Well, if I may ask, why is she only expressing resentment WHEN she knows that you are doing your best?! Why do you think that your discussions about these issues keeps devolving into an argument ??

 

Sorry if I sound like a broken record but:

a) if she does NOT want to work right now

b) and she is only working right now to pay rent

c) and she places the blame on YOU for having to work right now (and perhaps in the future) when she does NOT want to work

d) and you two are not in a position for her to quit her job, now or in the foreseeable future

e) and you guys cannot seem to reconcile this issue ...

 

I think you have your answer right there ...

 

Just my two cents worth, though.

 

I *do* hope you guys can work through this issue!

[FortunateOne]

Look, I know you've made a commitment to her to pay and I know 80% is not fair, but either you leave her to go back home or you suck it up and ask her to seek help with her control issues. I hate to say this but she reminds me of the way my own Mother treats her men in her life as the toxic narccisist she is, yet I still financially help her out when I know she feels entitled to it, but I'm enabling the spoiling of her. Some women are like this and you are going to have to figure it out.

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

So are all housewives toxic narcissists, then? Or is this totally different when two are married?

[Ellie2006]

So are all housewives toxic narcissists, then? Or is this totally different when two are married?

 

Hey Teddybear,

Oh no, this is not what I meant at all ...

I was simply saying that if she wants to be a stay-at-home mom and he wants his wife/gf to work, then they are, perhaps, not compatible ...

I didn't mean to sound like I was passing judgment on stay-at-home moms!!

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

Hey Teddybear,

Oh no, this is not what I meant at all ...

I was simply saying that if she wants to be a stay-at-home mom and he wants his wife/gf to work, then they are, perhaps, not compatible ...

I didn't mean to sound like I was passing judgment on stay-at-home moms!!

 

Oops, sorry! I meant that to go to Moneygod, and only because he said his mom was a toxic narcissist and related it to this behavior of expecting men to pay the rent.

 

Anyway, changing directions, I'd also like to point out that I know of a good many really decent women who are housewives and not mothers. They treat their content husbands well, and have plenty of extra time to do lots of extra's for their husbands. I don't think it's always the most evil arrangement I've ever heard of.