need some help

[DaaZ]

Hi my name is David. My wife and I have been together for seven years, and we have a son about to turn five.

 

Over the years I have been too controlling of her, and she has put in much work on the relationship, changing and growing without much response from me.

 

About two months ago she was in so much pain she decided we should divorce. We tried some counseling but it just wasn't doing it for her.

 

We separated and are living in separate apartments now. All ties are not cut, and we haven't filed for divorce, but she still sees that as the eventual outcome of all this.

 

I have expressed to her how much I love her, and how the slap in the face of losing her has opened my eyes to my wrongs and how I need to change, but now she doesn't trust me enough to let me into her life to show those changes, and thoughts of reconciliation are too painful for her.

 

I really feel that the key here is for here to somehow understand I love her with every fiber of my being, am totally open to change, and have actually come to love her more seeing her being strong and independent and living her own life, but she just can't trust what I say, and I don't know how to facilitate a change in the situation, or a reconciliation.

 

I have gotten therapy, and read alot of books on the subject, but nothing seems to be helping, she is slipping further and further away from me, and I don't know what to do.

 

I know she still loves me, but she has walled up her emotions concerning me, and refuses to address them because it is too painful for her. I've done the best I can to be there for her and be supportive, as she has never lived on her own, but I've made some slip ups too, and a few slip ups seem to undo all the good I've done.

 

I'm really at the end of my rope here, and any advice will be appreciated.

 

Thanks

David

[avman]

Hello David and welcome to the forum,

 

You seem like a guy who has finally come to his senses, but from your wife's perspective I can see how she might feel your words are nothing but empty promises. I would imagine you had made similar promises in the past to her and not kept them. So she is probably very skeptical of them.

 

As others will tell you, words are meaningless right now. It is actions that count. You need to live your life as a changed man, and let her see the man you have become. This is not a guarantee - she still might not come back. But at least you have grown and learned some important life lessons.

 

For the next few weeks, leave her alone. You mention you've made some slip ups even since you've been separated, so give her some time to heal. You focus on yourself right now. Work on your issues. Continue therapy. Get your mental state together. Then try inviting her out for coffee. And just have a normal conversation. No begging, no empty promises, no strings. Just be yourself and let her see what you have become. Take it slow and easy.

 

Date her again. Get to know her and let her get to know you. And see if things can be repaired.

[DaaZ]

She is slipping away from me though. There has got to be some way for her to get in touch with how she feels about me, and see that I can follow through on what I say, before its too late. I know she still loves me, she just refuses to face the issues before us. There must be some sort of gesture, or SOMETHING I can do to facilitate this. I'm already doing everything I can to work on myself, but leaving circumstances as they looks like its going to cost me my marriage.

[MovingOnUp]

I think writing her a letter might be a good idea. You could explain how you feel and let her know you understand how she is feeling. Then you could give her the space she needs at the moment, and take some time for yourself.

[Bethany]

Avman has given you wise advice Daaz, try and take it however hard it is.

 

She is slipping away from me though.

 

Let her go then. I know it's hard and feels like completely the wrong thing to do but sometimes we NEED to be alone and I think a spell apart with both of you working on your own issues could be the best thing right now.

 

You have already told her how you feel, now give her the space to absorb the information and make a decision from her own heart. Leave her be and spend time getting over this yourself. Emotions are high and they need to calm down and you need to center yourself. Use this time apart to do this.

 

She also needs time to recover, time to heal and time to miss you.

 

She KNOWS how you feel, you don't HAVE to go back and tell her countless times. She knows, Daaz.. SHE KNOWS.

[heloladies21]

Well I mean unless you were really going overboard with control issues (ie. going psycho on her because she left the house to buy some milk or things like that), then you are misplacing the blame for the break up. You'd have to describe it a little more specific for me to say for sure. You can't be the complete opposite of controling because this is apathy and shows the girl you don't care.

 

So as far as anything proactive you could do to win back your wife's interest, there's only one thing. Ask her for a final answer and be ready to stick with it. This isn't the time to court her or anything like that. She knows what you're all about so that stuff wouldn't work anyways.