Complicated much?

[darkling]

Ok, I understand that in some regards I am a terrible person. I'm posting here in good faith that the lot of you won't just sit back and call me terrible things.

 

I don't specificly know what I'm asking, or what answers I'm searching for, I guess I just want to hear someone elses thoughts on my life. I wish it was as simple as asking one of you just what I need to do, but I know nothing is that easy.

 

Is there such a thing as love that just won't go away, never disipates, it's just always there...

 

I'll start from the beginning..this is long...please keep reading.

 

It started 14 years ago, I was only like 11 or 12, I moved into a new house with my family. Soon the neibhor kids came around, brother and sister. From the minute I met her, even before I knew what it was, my heart became hers.

 

Through the next 4 or 5 years we spent practicly every day together, we became best friends. She never knew how I felt until the fifth year, which consequently was our last year together. We where entering highschool, and as the weird kid and her being one of the popular beautiful girls, we went our separate ways. She didn't take me seriously, thought I was just being goofy. This left a huge hole within me, and I did what any person would do, I tried to fill it....it didn't work.

 

I met my ex-wife about a year later. I never told her what had transpired, I did what I could to hide how I felt, forget about it, lock it all away. For about 4 years it worked, I loved my wife as much as any man could. Then at our wedding this girl I grew up with and her family showed and in what should've been one of the happiest moments of my life, it was actually the saddest. The entire time I stood on the altar with my wife I was thinking of the woman I fell in love with long ago. I was thinking about who should've been standing there but instead was in the crowd.

 

After that life got better, I was able to lock it all away again and throw away the key. My wife and I have a beautiful little boy, after he was born things started to go sour. Since we married so young and I was only her second boyfriend and her my first girlfriend she had started to wonder about the single life. Needless to say she is now my ex-wife. I'm not blaming her, I honestly started to wonder also, but never dreamed of acting on them, I assumed they where normal and would pass with time.

 

When she told me it was over I was distraught, and after a suicide attempt and noplace else to turn I got in contact with this friend of mine. We talked about everything, our lives, what had happened since, why things went the way they did. During this time my emotions where running uncontrolled and chaotic and I confessed how I felt about her all these years. This time she took it seriously and even though she is married she took them well just because of how long we've shared a friendship. Look, I know it probably wasn't the best move, and I'm probably gonna be called all sorts of terrible names but I followed my heart like I should have long ago. She doesn't blame me for telling her, she said no lines where crossed and it would be ok.

 

Since then we've gotten nothing but closer, she listens when I need someone to talk to, I listen when she needs the same. I've broken cardinal rule #1, we've had a couple sexual encounters because her husband wasn't keeping her happy. I know, there is no excuse, no justification, what I did was wrong. I'm well aware of the statistics that predict that if someone will do it now then they would probably do it later also. She admitted that at the time of when she went her own way she had fell in love with me also, she was scared so she ran away. Since then she's admitted that a spark remained, but has only said it once and from that point on never acknowledges that she said it. Her excuse for what occurred between us on those several occasions was that she wasn't getting what she wanted at home and she knew she could get it from me, like a tool I guess.

 

She knows I would do anything for her, maybe she takes advantage of that, I don't know. But I still love her the same. Now she is having the same thoughts that my wife had, I don't think it's because of what we did, she was thinking these things before that occurred, but I also realize that what we did only facilitated those thoughts also. I've put aside my feelings for now because she needs advice from a friend, I've showed this sight and all the articles about saving your marraige, and while I was doing so I was reading forum posts trying to find anyone who is going through what I am.

 

I guess what I wonder about most is will it ever end? Will this love and heartache I have ever stop? Can I make it stop? I've tried forgetting her, hating her, locking her up (mentally, not physically, lol) and it never works. Obviously I tried loving someone else and my entire heart just wasn't in it, all those years with my ex-wife and she only received part of me. Even she see's how happy this woman makes me, she tells me all the time that I need to hook up with her. I know her so well it's almost as if I can feel her when I'm close. I can tell what kindof mood she's in without even seeing her, I can point her out in a crowd of hundreds, I know all of her little ticks, her nervous habits, her expressions, and even know what she's thinking before she does...and she's the same with me. A couple of weeks ago I decided to go eat at a restraunt for the first time since being alone (year and half) and while walking in the parking lot I felt a tug at my mind, I looked up and saw her in the window having a nice dinner with her husband and family, so I left.

 

I've offered to leave, stop talking to her, just walk away, thinking that maybe knowing I'm here for her was part of her problem. She refuses to let me go, I don't want to leave her side either, but I made a promise to myself years ago that I wouldn't hurt her if I had the choice.

 

Ok, I think I've given you guys enough ammo to bludgen me we, am I the biggest idiot/looser/freak on the planet for how I feel? Let the flaming begin...be nice please.

[Maverick32x]

well welcome to ENA.... I don't think you will experience alot of flaming or angry posts on these boards... no one is here to judge you, so you can remove that thought from your mind....

As for your situation..... It sounds like you are in a terrible state (like you needed me to tell you that ) You seem to have tried all methods to "get over her" with no success..... all i can think of is to stop having relations with your girl from long ago.. due to the fact that she IS married.. and you should respect that.. and tell her that if she wants to be with you.. she cant be married.... after telling her that... stop talking to her completely.... go complete NC (no contact) and HOLD TO IT!!! Than get a hobby, find something you enjoy....

perhaps your marriage didnt fail due to this other woman.. maybe it was just that you and her werent meant to be?

I don't know.. its hard cuz its been such a long passage of time.... I'm sorry man : ( I hope someone can give good advice....

[Mun]

Hello there and welcome to enot

 

I read your entire post and I feel for you.

 

My question is : Are you willing to spend your life looking through that window at her with her family?

 

I understood from your post that she is now looking at single life with interest? Not at being with you for keeps, but at single life...right? So where does that leave you?

 

She has what she needs from you and so of course she is not going to give you up. It's you that must make that choice.

 

If you are serious about not hurting others then you can't bluff on this one. If you mean to walk away, if she won't have you, then that's what you have to do --otherwise you will show that your feelings can be toyed with and that you are willing to wait around. No incentive for her to change things then.

[MetallicAguy]

Your obsessed with this girl, you probably already know that. She's married and isn't gonna drop her husband...so I don't know what your hoping to become of this relationship between the two of you but its not gonna get any better than a friends-with-benefits relationship. You should get out there and take interest in other women. If your obsession really is that severe, I suggest getting hypnosis or talking to a psychologist about it.

[darkling]

Maverick: Thanks for the welcome, and advice. What's got me thrown for a loop is I got over my ex-wife pretty quick considering she would practicly every other month say I love you I love and want you back and then a week later say I hate your effin guts go away... lol, I do have a hobby, one that takes up ALOT of my time, I code, name a language I more than likely know it. Good tip though.

 

Mun: Thanks for the input, the common denominator here seems to be giving an ultimatium and then walking away, NC for good. It sounds like a good plan and all, but is it worth throwing away 14 years of friendship? I'm not one of those folks that has 20 to 30 friends, heck I don't even have 10..I have about 4 people that I can honestly call a friend, should I really throw that away?

 

In answer to your question Mun, about standing outside and watching, I've thought of that, well I think about it all the time. Somedays I say yes, somedays it's no...I'm one of those sorry folks that puts others way before himself I've suffered many pains (mental and physical) to see someone else be happy and get what they want...I guess thats my curse huh? I have all the scars and burns to prove it

 

MetallicAguy: I really wouldn't term it obsession, when you know someone for that long you get to know all of them. I was with my wife for 10 years total, I know every habit of hers as well...if thats what you where talking about when you say obsession.

 

In response to the pysch, I don't really trust anyone else with my brain. My body can fall apart for all I care, the one thing I hold valuble is my mind, I keep hearing horror stories about those docs, first thing they wanna do is drug you up...any personal experience you can maybe ease my fear? The only drug I take is NyQuil and not even that anymore, I have a commercial drivers license and can get a DUI if I take that..

[samantha01]

sounds to me like you don't have a very interesting life and you don't meet 2 many new people since you always think about your past and that girl. Try improving the quality of your life, career and environment ur surrounded by, meet new people and do things that make you happy. I know you will be able to stop having feelings for her that way !

[Maverick32x]

lol@ him not having an interesting life... since none of us really know him

 

Okay, so lets see here... the major problem is you are getting older and dont have as many 'friendship making oppurtunites", and don't want to sever ties with someone you are deeply in love with... on multiple levels... romantic, and as a friend.....

However, I think you need to have CONFIDENCE that you can find someone else... I'm going to have to bust out an old saying "There are alot of fish in the sea" But i think its very relavant here. You seem to be so sure that this girl is THE ONE. When in reality, she is someone else's, and you are left on the outside.... not fun!!

I personally think she is trying to leave you on the backburners, and realizes how much you like her, which is kinda crappy, but oh well....

 

So, lets see if there is any advice to help you find these other fish in the sea.... sadly I'm not very experienced at the whole "finding girls" thing when you get older.... so you have a hobby... thats good, however maybe try something that has a bit more intereaction? Maybe go to a gym, or take some classes, or something... lol, I really dont know where a good place to find girls is when I get older... i should figure that out......

 

either way, Start looking for OTHER PEOPLE, you are stuck in a state of helplessness, and you can't give up!!! You feel there is one sure thing, and that is this girl... however, you're WRONG!!!!! She will only be a friend, and it seems like you want a bit more than that in your life, so go get it!!!

 

oh ya, final point: Seeing a therapist isn't all drugs and sudh. Some of them will just help talk through your problems, which could be beneficial : )

[Mun]

Life would be easier if you had the source code huh?

 

Then point is dark that you all have crossed the friedship line now. Sure 14 years is a long time and I ask you : are you willing to wait 14 years while she is married to someone else?? Sounds like you are

 

It doesn't seem to me as if you date or try to make other friends, you have isolated yourself, so it's very possible that time will just pass you by in this same situation.

 

If that is the life you want then good luck to you.

[darkling]

Maverick:

They are right, I lead a very very boring life. Mainly because the divorce just ruined every ambition I ever had. And since then it seems like karma or fate is kicking me in the butt. I got a good job driving semi's for a huge company where I made 1200 to 2400 a week, and I hurt my back and can no longer drive semi's. I bought a car (used from a friend) on the month of my last payment the tranny blew out, so now I have a nice paperweight on wheels that hums. Now I work for a crappy retail chain making like 2 bucks over minimum wage, yay!

 

So pretty much my day consists of sleep, work, and then go home and go back to bed. I haven't paid school loans because I make like 500 a month after child support, lol, and can't get a job programming cause I don't have a degree, can't get a degree cause I can't get a job making money I'm like in a loop of crap.

 

I had it all, good job, house, wife, cars, credit cards with huge limits, almost 100k a year in the household, and now well now I can't even afford to go out with someone if I found someone, lol....I know, I'm looking at the negatives.

 

Yeah, when you figure out how to meet nice women let me know. I know NOTHING about dating, my ex-wife was my first and only girlfriend EVER!!!.

 

Mun:

If I had the source code to life I would be god, lol. Code has logic, follows rules, there is no chaos in the digital realm. Life doesn't follow rules

 

I wouldn't say I'm wanting to wait, I do want something better, my god the way I feel when I'm with her, I want that more than anything...I'm afraid I just don't know how or where to get it.

 

I'm not blowing you guys off or anything, or trying to argue with you, it's just not something I can decide in an instant, there are various ramifications no matter what I choose. Nothing in life is free, there is always a price to be paid.