How do I know?

[jeffybabe]

I am married, with 3 kids. Been married 12 years. Not a bad relationship, I love my kids, I care about my wife, but something is missing. Felt like that for a couple years now. Anyway.... on with the story. This is long in order to clarify the situation

 

2 nights ago I went to a "co-worker" happy hour party. One of my co- workers who I have a good professional relationship with showed up. I have had a soft spot for her for about 4 years now. She is always nice to me and I do likewise. At this party we just started the usual casual conversation, but somehow it was different. I don't go out much but she is a very popular person and goes out quite a bit. She is not married but has 3 kids also and a boyfriend she's been with for a long time but he is in the military. Anyway started with playing darts with her and others. The night just kinda went on like that. She bought me pizza I was hungry but didn't ask for her to get me anything. In the gereral tone of things,given our current relationship, I commented that I didn't care for onions.... she picked them off, smiled and just stared into my eyes!!! As the night went on we talked more and just the gereral conversation, but she kept lightly touching me, commenting about my eyes, smiling and staring into my eyes. Later she wanted to know if I wanted to go to a different bar with different music. We did. SHE KNEW ALMOST EVERYONE THERE!!!LOL. After about an hour I stated that I should prolly go home. I was tired and had quite a bit to drink. I have no idea how much she drank, but she seemed quite sensible yet. She walked with me to the parking lot. Her car was one way and mine was the other, but she kinda lead the way to mine. We sorta stood there a minute, kinda like 2 kids who like each other but put their heads down and scuff at the ground with their feet. I looked at her and she at me. She had this great big smile. All I could say was "What?" "Nothing" was her reply. We just stared at each other for about 15 seconds. My head was spinning, but not from the drinks... although I was bolder than I've ever been. I reached to her chin and pulled her and kissed her. She backed away, looked and then kissed me. A bit of passion there. Including arms around each other. She pulled away and said " You are SO married." and just looked at me. I have no idea what response she was looking for so I just said " Yes I am married" She kissed me again about like before, pulled away, said it again and walked to her car. Since she lives a block away, I followed her home. I was worried that she was mad. So I pulled up and asked. "Not at all" Again we sat there and talked for 10 minutes about her car troubles. She then asked me if I was mad. To which I said not at all. She pulled on my chin and we kissed for about 30 second. Then it was "good night, see ya tomorrow." The next day, there was no mention of it. Just the usualy work stuff. I was an emotional wreck but dealt with it and kept my opinions and feelings quiet. The only thing different was a little more eye contact when I did see her. How do I read her? Is there a chance or am I the idiot for even feeling this way. I feel like I have a childhood crush again... butterflies when I see her, thinking about her alot, even writing this,etc.... Please, I need advice and maybe a therapist.

 

Thanks. If your going to just rip on me for even doing this, please don't bother... I don't need a lecture or I wouldn't have come here. I need true opinions on the situation. I REALLY LIKE HER

[mysocalledlife]

I understand u dont wana be ripped on but u are marriend for 12 years with 3 kids dont u love ur wife i really dont want to be mean and say all this bad stuff especially cause im not even an adult and i dont know what its like to be married for 12 years or even date for 12 years but if i did i would never kiss another woman or do anything that would hurt my wife and kids its things like this that cause a couple to split up sorry about being mean i just wanted to put my opinion in

[noway]

Wow, you really are in a spot. You should seek counseling. You need to determine what is wrong in your marrage before beginning a relationship with someone else. My advice is to not leave your wife for another woman, if you want to leave your wife then leave her but do it for yourself and not someone else. Good luck and do what is good for you. Divorce is hard, maybe if the two of you went to counseling you may discover what is wrong and work it out together. If there is a chance that you and your wife could rekindle the flame it is worth a shot. Try not to allow your relationship to go any futher with your co-worker, it will really mess you up.

[Ash]

Hey, I'm sure you have a crush on her. You've known her for many years, that makes it all the more surprising when it happens. And it happens to a lot of people.

 

It's pretty much exactly the same way it happened with me. Right out of the blue, wham. No warning. I suspect you're in your late 30's?

 

Try to figure out what's missing in your marriage, although I suspect I might know what it is. You have three kids, you likely just don't feel like you're anywhere near the top of the list with your wife. With me, my wife knew I'd changed after the birth of our second child. It's very common, marriages can very often start to go downhill, especially after the second (and subsequent) kids are born.

 

Only thing I can say, is talk to your wife. You might even want to go as far as to tell her that you kissed somebody else, that's up to you. I did, and if nothing else, I spared us all from lies. Whether you decide to tell your wife or not, I doubt it will change how you feel about things.

 

By the way, pay no attention to comments like those you got from "mysocalledlife". He says right in his post he's not even an adult, he has no way of knowing what emotions and feelings run through the head of those of us in our mid lives.

 

You're in a very difficult emotional spot. I suspect your whole world is turned upside down. The really nasty thing is you'll get labelled a cheater (I don't quite understand why it's even called that) just because you have feelings for another. You have three kids, you love them all. Nobody said anything bad when you determined you loved the second and third, just becuase you also lover the third, did they?

 

There's nothing in my view in falling in love with more than one person. Society seems to think differently of course. The difficulty is how to act on it.

 

You've kissed her, but you have definate options. The next few steps are key. Really try to evaluate your feelings it that's possible. Only thing I could think of when it happened to me is "There has got to be a reason this happened."

[jeffybabe]

Gee... awful lot of viewers... no one else has any input? Perhaps I should expand this and give you another view of things...

 

I cook, I clean, I wake the kids up, take them to school, pick them up, help with homework, Work in between all that. She does laundry.... well folds it after I wash it, but only if I nag. I have to be the bad guy and do the disiplining of the kids. She does most of the book keeping, not because I can't, but she likes to and is good at it. She works too... I have to wake her up usually. She comes home to supper. And sits in her chat room. That's her world. I have been thru this before...When I finally complain about it... She'll stop and be better for about a month, maybe 2, and the crap starts again.... She's acts more like one of the kids than a partner. For gods sake on her days off - does she do the wash or make a meal?? No...shes on the computer, out with frineds or at her moms. I am getting sick of that scenario too. Been this way for about 6 years. The kids are developing her bad habits and not my good ones. They she her sit around so they do....DAD WILL TAKE CARE OF STUFF. See where I'm coming from? Cuz I sure don't know where I'm going any more.....

 

Also I wasn't asking for anyone to tell me to go for it.... I know this person. I like this person, but I want to figure out where she may be at.... I suppose I'll just have to ask. I was trying to read the signals, but maybe that's the wrong way to do this....I'f I'm going to mess up my whole world, I'm gonna have a damn good reason to do it....and so far I haven't found that. Maybe I never will, but I feel I owe it to myself to find out. I welcome comments and respect all viewpoints. This whole thing isn't easy for me. I could just forget it all and go on with my regular life.... BUT I'M NOT HAPPY Everyone around me seems to be, all but me. Don't I deserve something?

 

Ash... I'm 36

[noway]

Been there done that. What you need to do is make yourself happy. Talk to your wife about going to see a counseler. If she refuses then you are the one that needs to make a decision. I was married for 12 years, 2 kids. The perfect couple. But my spouse had NO ambition to better our lives. I wanted to buy a home, he was content with paying rent. I wanted to act like an adult and he wanted to continue to drink and smoke dope. I could not imagine my life with out him. When I thought about the values that my kids would grow up with I decided enough was enough. believe me it was hard. I had a friend that I had dated years ago and we had become close again. He was all I could think about. I left my husband with the hopes of starting a relationship with my friend. I found that it is not the way to go. My friend is still a very good friend. But we are not together. I am so happy to be on my own and meet new people and I have found that life is so much better. If you are unhappy and your wife will not wake up and smell the roses do what you need to. It will be hard. I strongly suggest that you keep your relationship with your co-worker as friends until you are truly happy with your life. Don't use her as a crutch, you and her will only be hurt in the end.