Can we stay friends?

[kittysaysmeow]

A few years ago I broke up with my boyfriend. We were together for a long time but I just didn't feel the same way he did. I ended up cheating on him. I told him the truth and broke up with him even though he wanted to work things out. I know cheating was the wrong thing to do and I've learned from my mistake.

 

A few weeks after we broke up, he called, email, and chatted with a good friend of mine. I never knew that they spoke and went out to coffee to specifically talk about me. I found out last week that this happened.

 

The way I found out was through this forum. It seems that he posts and answers posts often enough. He mentioned various things, true and untrue, but also mentioned things that I never told him. Things that he found out from a "friend" of mine.

 

This makes me upset because my friend is suppose to be MY friend. I understand it was a way for him to be "close" to me and find closure, but I don't understand why she would tell him private things about me. Who I was dating, etc etc. It almost seems malicious.

 

And this isn't the first time she told someone private things about me. She gossips constantly and I don't think I can trust her anymore.

 

My question is this: if I can't trust her anymore, should I continue with the friendship?

[blender]

Can she trust you? See how painful it is when someone betrays your confidence? What goes around comes around, think of this as a valuable lesson of how painful any kind of "cheating behavior" can be to everyone involved.

 

I would let go of this ex and let him live his life, and as far as your "friend" is concerned, we attract people into our lives who are very similiar to who we are.. so start by defining yourself with better choices, behaviors, trustworthy actions, one day at a time and you will build a self love, self confidence, and attract healthier and loyal people into your own life...

 

Lesson learned, do unto others as you wish them to do unto you...

[DaDancingPsych]

If you surround yourself with good people, you will be a good person. No one is perfect and if this was a rare case many years ago, let it go. Hopefully she's grown up and makes better decisions. But if she continuously does hurtful things to you, then why waste your time keeping someone like this in your life? I recommend not being over-dramatic about it and having a "break-up" of your friendship, but rather focus on those friends who are supportive of you. Good luck!

[ratherbesailing]

Kitty -

 

Some people just can't help themselves when it comes to talking about other people. It could also be that she didn't approve of your cheating on him so she felt like she owed him some support.

 

It is hard going through a break up and learning how friends split their loyalty with both parties afterwards. Some stay clearly to one side or the other and some actually seem to enjoy living on the fence.

 

The bottom line is gossips don't make good friends. They may pretend to be but they aren't. It is just a fact, not something worth harboring resentment about.

 

I'd say stay friendly and don't cross her, but don't consider her a real friend that you would share anything with that you wouldn't post on a public bulletin board for everyone to see. Don't cross her or berate her because gossips are horrible people to have as enemies.

[kittysaysmeow]

Can she trust you? See how painful it is when someone betrays your confidence? What goes around comes around, think of this as a valuable lesson of how painful any kind of "cheating behavior" can be to everyone involved.

 

I would let go of this ex and let him live his life, and as far as your "friend" is concerned, we attract people into our lives who are very similiar to who we are.. so start by defining yourself with better choices, behaviors, trustworthy actions, one day at a time and you will build a self love, self confidence, and attract healthier and loyal people into your own life...

 

Lesson learned, do unto others as you wish them to do unto you...

 

I don't think that by attacking me that you're showing much of what you preach. I already said I learned from my mistake and I refuse to be insulted for something I did years ago. My post was about my friendship not my past relationship.

That said, I agree with you on defining myself by making better choices, etc. I've been trying to do just that. No one is perfect and forgiving yourself is very hard to do.

[blender]

Oops, I'm so sorry you felt I was attacking, you, I was just trying to cause some reflection.. I should have been a bit easier about it... sorry..I did mean well..

 

ratherbesailing, that is sound advice,

 

yes, just slowly be careful not to confide in her, and slowly spend less and less time with her, do not make an announcements to her about HER character, instead protect your own character, and choose healthier friends...and become a better friend too... you'll get through this, like they say, "choices of behavior are the hinges on door of our destiny"

[kittysaysmeow]

ratherbesailing and DeDancingPsych: thanks! your advice has really helped!!