How To Deal With Girls' Chatter

[ajaxajax]

Hey all

 

I might like to ask about a guy trying to initiate a conversation with a girl but couldn't because of some friend (usually female) talking with her and keeping her occupied like a wild chicken on steroids. So what is the best way to join into a conversation when a girl you want to talk to is busily chatting with someone else...without appearing impolite? And also, when the girl is in a group of girls madly chatting away, is "girl's chatter" that sacred, it must never be interferred with by a guy?

 

This is because one of the biggest reasons why I keep missing "opportunities" is because of me not being able to talk to them enough before another guy hooks her up out of nowhere.

 

I'd appreciate any suggestions, thanks.

[Batya33]

Wait until there is a break in the conversation and while she is talking, make eye contact and then say what you want to say.

 

Curious - what is your view on male "chatter" on relationships, current events, politics, drinking stories, etc? Is it "chatter" because the speaker is female? That might be your problem - having stereotypical notions of what women discuss. On the other hand, if this particular woman is constantly talking about what you think is nonsense, understand that when the "heat" fades, that will be what she wants to talk to you about.

[ajaxajax]

1. What if a break is not possible and or cannot be predicted?

 

2. Men do talk a lot too, but I can't help but think that maybe when women start talking, they go on through solid dialogue for a reasonable time (unlike us men, who usually have shorter responses and have less dense conversations). It's not really to do with the topics women discuss - I can talk about anything. It's just harder if a girl doesn't flow well with dialogue too much

[Batya33]

1. Then you have to find a time when she is alone and assume, if you've made eye contact and she makes no effort either it is an important conversation or she is not that into you.

 

2. why "men" and "girls" - sounds like, hmmmm you have some negative stereotypes about women. My boyfriend doesn't have conversations like you described nor does he have "chatter" - same with many of the men I know. what you are describing is more stereotypical "bar talk" or "sports talk."

 

I still think the place to start is to think of "girls" as "women" and get rid of the stereotypes.

[ajaxajax]

Girls, ladies, women...aaarrrgh! I was never intending to be stereotypical...but I don't understand why women never intended to lift their heads up when they see a guy, especially in larger groups of women. I know both men and women are people, but we obviously are still different. I was only stating the obvious...but I appreciate comments anyway

[Scout]

Personally, I would never interrupt any group that was earnestly engaged in conversation, whether they're male or female.

 

Wait for an opportunity to talk to her when she's alone. It's that simple.

[Scout]

Girls, ladies, women...aaarrrgh! I was never intending to be stereotypical...

 

Most people never intend to be, it's ingrained in all of us. Both male and female steretyping. For example, the idea that men only communicate in grunts and monosyllables and women in one non-stop stream of "chatter."

[ImThatGirl]

You mentioned that other guys end up talking to the girls by the end of the night.

 

Have you ever watched to see how they manage getting into the conversation?

[Scout]

You mentioned that other guys end up talking to the girls by the end of the night.

 

Have you ever watched to see how they manage getting into the conversation?

 

Good question! Also, in what setting are you running into this problem the most? Bars, nightclubs?

[Batya33]

Girls, ladies, women...aaarrrgh! I was never intending to be stereotypical...but I don't understand why women never intended to lift their heads up when they see a guy, especially in larger groups of women. I know both men and women are people, but we obviously are still different. I was only stating the obvious...but I appreciate comments anyway

 

I do not have that experience and I know, work with and socialize with hundreds of men and women ages 20s and up. I agree with Scout that you need to respect when people are engaged in earnest conversation - that might not be the appropriate time to break in. When I have been involved in such a conversation, I have at times noticed men checking out people in the group. So, sure, I notice and whether there is a reaction depends on factors like level of interest in the man, the man's vibes - how he is looking over - etc.

 

I do not frequent bars or clubs however, anymore.

[ajaxajax]

Scout, I might like to ask: what happens if the opportunity to move in does not occur in the time you're there without looking like a stalker?

 

I'mThatGirl, I'm trying to figure out exactly how other guys actually "butt in" in their own way and then take over - that happens not only in pubs and nightclubs, but everywhere else too. I'm hoping it's not true that girls just go out with guys they've met only just the third time or earlier - unless it's a blind date

 

Batya33, if it's part to do with my own vibes, then would it be better to be myself (and appear even a bit shy, hesitant etc) or just pretend to be totally comfortable - even though I might look over the top?

[Batya33]

Why not act "as if " you are totally comfortable - and soon that will become you and not just "as if"

[ajaxajax]

One little problem...I've tried acting completely comfortable but I kept thinking that, judging by the way women kept acting (if they were that interested, they'd make it at least a bit obvious, right?) like I'm no big deal, I always think that no matter how confident I appeared, how well dressed I was or how approachable and clean I've made myself...it's like I've a huge damn wart on my nose. Women just wouldn't give me a sign that says "I find you interesting/cute, can you at least make a first move or something!". I felt like that despite me being me I've always had a cold shoulder brought on.

[Batya33]

Have you tried meeting women in these contexts:

 

volunteer work (where you serve food, work with children, paint houses together, etc)

community theater (back stage or front stage)

hiking or biking trips

any kind of group sports activity

ballroom dancing

readings at the local bookstore

 

If you are referring to bars and clubs I agree that makes it very hard to meet people. Shared activities are the way to go. I met most of my new friends through my volunteer work in the last 5 years, know of several marriages through community theater, my friend just got engaged to someone she met playing in a tennis league, another friend met her serious boyfriend through dancing, etc. In those contexts you don't have to break into a conversation - it is rare that groups of women will spend a lot of time talking together if the focus is on a project, activity, sport, or people who need help (like the homeless children I work with).

[Scout]

ajaxajax, I may not be the best gal to ask, because I've been the first to initiate conversation with guys I'm interested in many times. I used to be very shy about doing this, but quite candidly, so many guys just like you are worried about coming accross as "leches" or "stalkers" that they are hesitant to make a move. So, you're far from alone there. Anyway, I realized if I didn't take the iniative at least 50% of the time, I'd have a less than full "dance card."

 

So, I can just tell you how I went about it...I would make eye contact and smile once or twice. If they returned the same, I would either wait for them to make a move, and if they didn't, at some point I'd find an excuse to get closer in their vicinity and then make some kind of remark...possibly a compliment on something they were wearing, but more often, some kind of little joke about something nonsensical...I will have to say I would not make this kind of move unless the person gave off pleasant and friendly vibes. And I would probably focus my efforts on someone who was either by himself or only with one or two other people. If he was with a whole group of people, I'd be too intimidated be the first to strike up conversation.

 

I do agree with Batya that shared activities, like volunteering, sports, etc. lend a more comfortable environment to meeting people. Even though bars and clubs are presumably there for exactly that purpose, it's just a more pressured ambience in my opinion.

[ajaxajax]

Actually, I don't go to bars and clubs very often at all (I do get dismayed at the constant mention of women always being picked up in droves in those two places - even though it might not really be the case).

 

I have come accross women in many places - and yet not had any girl giving off good vibes after I gave them some nice, and sometimes polite vibes - such as smiling, saying you wear some nice earrings etc. I also am doing dancing classes - and meeting a nice Polish lady. I go to uni, and sometimes chat with some chics there. And I have just joined up an Italian youth group (as I've Italian background), with a friend of a member saying that he works with a girl he might arrange for me to meet.

 

In this case, just gotta be careful with how I cope with demand.

 

And I'm afraid of other things such as asking the girl out in the wrong way, whether I should ask her out two minutes after I first meet her and whether going out with the girl would risk me losing the true love of my life!

[Batya33]

Sounds like you're overthinking. Best "pick up line" I ever heard was - in a nice but not overbearing voice "Hi, how are you?" We dated some and were friends for over 10 years before we lost touch.

 

If you are engaged in a similar activity the best topic is not her earrings but the activity.

[HurleyBabe6917]

i understand how you're feeling . some girls just dont know when to shut up.

[Batya33]

i understand how you're feeling . some girls just dont know when to shut up.

 

Really? And men never have that problem?

[HurleyBabe6917]

Really? And men never have that problem?

 

i've never really noticed it. guys dont go on forever in conversations.. atleast not at my age. girls just talk and talk and talk and never seem to stop.

[Batya33]

Yes - I understand you are limiting your comments to your age group and the guys you know. For that group yes it might be true.

[HurleyBabe6917]

guys my age are pretty quiet for the most part. the girls are extremely annoying and never shut up.

[Lady Luck]

Go ahead and interrupt. Just be like "Excuse me, sorry to interrupt, but ___"

 

Then insert whatever fits into the situation.