I did it...but not enough to die

[Daddy Bear]

i hear ya, but if i had to bet on whether or not the whole rest of your life was going to suck i know i'd put my money on "no, it won't." relationships tend to be more stable and last longer as we get a little older, for one thing, and we learn ways to make our lives more comfortable. sure, there are exceptions and it's not a perfectly straight line getting better all the time, but a whole life blowing chunks? that's pretty damn rare. in fact, how many people have you heard of whose entire life sucked? i can't think of anyone, except maybe the Elephant Man.

[Daddy Bear]

before sleeping and after are the hardest part.

i remember that. i used to fall asleep thinking about this one girl EVERY SINGLE NIGHT and then i'd wake up in the morning and go, "Oh... I'm still me. She's stilll gone. That bites."

 

thanik goodness that part of life doesn't last forever!

 

k-hole, how about you start a thread and tell your story in a nutshell?

[Daddy Bear]

speaking of sleep, i could use a good 12-hour nap. i hope to find all three of you (miss888s, OKIE101 and k-hole) still doing your best to get through this rough point in your lives when i come back.

 

:sleeping:

[Hope75]

Guys,

 

It can get better. Do you at least believe in that possibility?

 

Before the guy in my story previous on this thread, (whom I started dating immediately after the guy I'll talk about here) I lived with an alcoholic drug addict to whom I was engaged for 5 years. He beat me, raped me, and at the end, came within inches of killing me. That was a time when I seriously wished I could just disappear and not have to deal with the pain. But eventually, I left him... and jumped right into the arms of the other guy who lied to me for 2 years. After that relationship ended, I'm 25, alone, and have been suffering from this for 7+ years. I tell you, after all that, I figured that life just couldn't get any worse. I felt abandoned and deceived by the very people I loved and trusted the most. But I knew, If I could just hang in there, that life could certainly get better. They were not in charge of my fate- I was. And my life did get better.

 

I just hate to see you give up on the premise that it can't get any better. It's certainly a bad time for you right now, but when you are down this low, the only place to go is up.

 

Please hang in there, and if you are feeling unsafe- go to your nearest ER and tell them that. They can set you up with social services and a psych consult- because feeling this way is not a normal response to grieving- but it can be helped.

[Spugly Fuglet]

I realize that this may not seem the right thing to do but a person can just take so much pain and hurt. I'm a disabled vet. so I have seen a lot and I know when it is time toget out. The depression is going to kill me if I don't do it so what does it matter? I have tried to express my feelings to her and she could care less. She now is the time for her to run and do whatever she wants and I cannot handle it. She is the only one I'll ever love this much so really I have no choice. I wish there was some hope but I think it all gone. email removed

 

 

Hi OKIE101

Im sorry to hear about the depression and the pain you are in, but I will say this as a disabled vet, you have given more than any of us will ever know, and done your duity. For this I say thank you for standing for all that we in the west stand for. Today in England it is rembarance day, where on the 11th hour of the 11th day of the 11 month the armistace was signed that ended the 1st wrold war. Here today in London 1000s are out on the streets with vets from that war and all thows that have been after form all over the world.

 

I live a free life becouse of what you and others like you have done, for the price you paid

 

I for one will never forget.

 

I ask that you let us now look after you, you have done your part now its ower turn, the docs and councerls are trying to help and honnor as best they can, Please I ask thay you not fall, but keep one standing for what is good and right, in the futuer there ill be others, once your have past this time and fond you way they will need you to help them.

 

please think on what I ask

 

Yours

SV

[k-hole]

i remember that. i used to fall asleep thinking about this one girl EVERY SINGLE NIGHT and then i'd wake up in the morning and go, "Oh... I'm still me. She's stilll gone. That bites."

 

thanik goodness that part of life doesn't last forever!

 

k-hole, how about you start a thread and tell your story in a nutshell?

 

it's a relief to hear that, slightlybent... i just wonder if how long will it last for me to be like this. my bf broke up with me 3 months ago but i just can't move on whatever i do. i loved him so much and, like anybody else, i want him back... but he keeps on pushing me away telling me that he's not happy with me anymore, that he doesn't love me, and other more hurting words. it just hurts this much 'coz during our relationship, i did the best to make us okay and this is what i get in return... maybe i can accept it if knew i did him wrong but i did not. up til now, here i am, suffering from the never-ending breakup hurt. i want to move on but i do not know how to start. a can't get him off my head. i just want to disappear from this world.

 

[miss888s]

k-hole, no please dont stop posting here. i feel exactly like you. the only thing i did was to end it all. but i failed. today i woke up thinking "well its another without him, another day of suffering heartache." then i start to think about ways to get through the day. i start to think whether i should end it at lunch time, at 4 o clock, at night...

 

all these things in my head. yes, i want him back because i love him. we shared the best and worst times together. i can still remember them like it was yesterday.

 

this time i will do it right. this time i wont have to wake up.

[Dako]

Since this thread is a bit of a group session, I'll babble about my time in the dark.

 

I was so devastated when she left me after 27 years I designed a unique method of ending it that was quite clever and started going about my business. As a lark in a fit of manic humor, I called a suicide hotline. They distracted me from my project enough to change my course, even if it was involuntary and stressful. Since then I've rediscovered myself, met some wonderful people and started my life over on a new canvas. In some ways, being at rockbottom gave me the freedom to rebuild after being dumped from a long and pleasant marriage.

 

I was in the worst pain I could imagine, wanted to die more than anything. I got over it by enduring, waiting and thinking about friends and family that would be left with my pain if I were gone.

 

Looking back, I can't forget the pain, but I know I did the right thing to hang on and wait. Time heals hearts.

[k-hole]

k-hole, no please dont stop posting here. i feel exactly like you. the only thing i did was to end it all. but i failed. today i woke up thinking "well its another without him, another day of suffering heartache." then i start to think about ways to get through the day. i start to think whether i should end it at lunch time, at 4 o clock, at night...

 

all these things in my head. yes, i want him back because i love him. we shared the best and worst times together. i can still remember them like it was yesterday.

 

this time i will do it right. this time i wont have to wake up.

 

i just wonder how miss888s is doing... it's been 2 days since her last post.

[sandyv]

Yeah, I hope and pray she is pulling through this........

 

Hey Miss888 if you are out there, drop us all a line ok?

 

Sandy

[lovecrazy]

WOW darlling, I am so sorry you are feeling this pain. But like others have said, it will eventually fade.

 

Life is worth living, you just have to find your place

 

Please keep writing it helps

[miss888s]

hi everyone. yes i am still here. just lurking actually.

 

the past week has been very difficult for me. i have been going through counselling. also about 2 weeks of NC but you know what? i miss him to bits and the love just gets stronger. yes i still feel suicidal and i still hurt myself. the fact that i have been feeling this since i was 14 doesnt help really. the turning point is my break up which has left me gutted. im still very sad. the loneliness is really hearbreaking guys.

 

then there are those days where i just break down and cry. those horrible feelings when you just miss him soo much it hurts. then the feeling of me still loving him and always will.

 

sigh...♠

[Dako]

You bring back memories of a dark time I had, but I really feel it served a purpose and made me stronger, although it hurt like blazes.

 

You must accept it takes time and no shortcuts really work.

One day at a time, then one week at a time, and eventually you''l pull out of it.

 

It's like getting over the flu. No matter what you do, it takes time.

[Daddy Bear]

sometimes it's more like malaria and two broken legs than the flu, but yeah... though it may not seem possible right now, it will go away. time is the unfailing cure.

 

glad to know you're still with us, Miss888s.

[miss888s]

thanks guys,

 

yes its really hard...like being knocked down by a bus...expecially when you get that heavy feeling in your chest and you cant breathe. God that hurts like hell.

 

well i am taking my meds. my sleep is ok i guess though there are nights in a a row where i just dream about him then i wake up in tears. work takes my mind off things. secretly im hoping he will come back to me. i know its wrong for me to feel that.

[Dako]

M

 

As hard as it is, you'll someday feel really good again.

When I was told that a year ago, I hated hearing it, but it came true.

When you're down, it helps to have friends to see your future when you can't.

 

Hang in there. It does get better.

[stunned]

Miss

 

Hang in there. There is just no easy way to get through this. It's more like an endurance test. There are somethings that can help a little. You need to make a point of getting out and doing something that will help you think of something other than your grief (and the cause of it). No matter how hard these first steps might be, they'll help you on the road to healing. That said, you're still going to have ups and downs for quite a while. I know this will help. It's been 4 days since my ex-gf of almost 7 years ran away from our house in secret (my post lays out the details). I didn't leave the house for the first 2 days, partly waiting for word on the gf's safety since she was driving in bad weather. I got 2 hours sleep at most and didn't eat anything. Yesterday, I made myself get out and join another local not-for-profit orgainzation and spent the day with them. I actually ate for the first time and felt good when I got home yesterday evening. Good enough to eat again and get 5 hours of sleep. This morning, I woke up at 2:30 and couldn't get back to sleep. It's another blue period and I've been crying. Fortunately, in 4 hours time I'll be leaving my house to help set up an event for this new not-for-profit group and it will keep me busy. Most importantly, keep coming here and posting. This is a wonderful resource. Most of my friends and acquaintences just don't want to listen to me ramble about my grief. This is a safe and caring forum where you can post or just lurk. YOU'RE NOT ALONE.

 

For me, I now need to determine the best way to help the pets grieve. We (and now I) have 2 dogs and 2 cats. They're in as much emotional turmoil as I am. I've got to try to put some sunshine in their lives. Thank god I have them, they're a great source of comfort to me.

[miss888s]

i spoke to my mum today. hearing her voice was some form of comfort to me. i dont think she knows we broke up. but she keeps on asking me why i sound so down and weak. i just told her i wasnt feeling well.

 

its been a lonely and long weekend for me here. last night i woke up at about 3 and cried my eyes out. i thought to myself..well im still alive..still woke up...and still here with out him..alone..and missing him.

 

to be honest i dont know how time will heal. will it make me forget him? i dont want to because we had so many precious memories. the time with him was the only time where i was really happy, safe, loved and complete.

 

when i read of those who after months of nc and still they are hurt and tryiing to overcome the pain, i feel so scared. so sad that i will be feeling this months down the road too.

[k-hole]

when i read of those who after months of nc and still they are hurt and tryiing to overcome the pain, i feel so scared. so sad that i will be feeling this months down the road too.

 

i tried nc last week... but it is so hard and i broke it after 5 days. i contancted him, expecting that somehow he missed me but i just felt worse coz he is still driving me away... he's so unfair, afterall we went through it was just like that. doesn't anything that happened between us never mattered to him anymore?

[whoops]

you have a wonderful chance in this life - why blow it and cop out early. I alsways thought that suicide is an easy way out and it is - almost selfish

what about your family and friends - what abou thtose who you may meet come on you deserve to do better then be a cop out - you have so much to give dont give up on yourself due a man - grwo up you can do better and one day that person will come

 

be strong lots of luck

[stunned]

Miss,

 

Time won't completely heal all wounds, you'll still have some emotional scars. However, embracing the things that life offers and being active will allow time to put your loss in perspective and dim its pain. You really need to let your mother know what happened. Don't continue to isolate yourself. Reach out to your mother and friends. They love you and will help you pick up the pieces.

 

I can feel for your pain. I was an only child and have trust issues from my childhood. Parents divorced when I was an infant, latter had a terrible child custody fight when I was 5 in which I was caught in the middle; my parents warred through me for years, making me feel guilty for even being born. Then my more supportive parent was killed by a drunk driver when I was 10. I had serious bouts of depression in my early teenage years and obsessed about killing myself for a year. (Didn't tell anyone and didn't get any help.) It was in college when I first began to be able to feel a little good about myself. I was able to graduate from college and graduate school. I dated occasionally, but threw myself into my career. Looking back, I think it may have been my way to avoid putting myself in a relationship due to my trust issues.

 

As I began to get to that point in my career when I could begin to think about retirement being a decade away, I began to realize how lonely and isolated I had made myself. I decided to make myself reach out and try to date again. I met my gf during this time. We courted for 10 months and I felt I had finally met someone I could trust. She wanted to move in with me and I agreed. I loved her unconditionally and thought we were both extremely happy. When I retired, I sold my house and we moved to a community that she wanted to be in because of its closer proximity to her grown children. I wasn't particularly thrilled to be so far from my extended family (this was a major move from the east coast to the far west), but I agreed to the move because I loved her so. Now I find myself alone, my trust shattered and completely miserable. However, I'm not going to let myself be isolated; my grief could kill me if I let it.

 

I'm intentionally throwing myself into activities since I don't have work now to keep me busy. I will try to stay as busy as I can. I'm still having downs. Early morning seems to be the worse for me. I can only seem to get 5 hours of sleep, max. I keep waking up at 2 a.m. unable to sleep. Rationally, I know this pain will dim. Emotionally, I'll be on a nasty rollercoaster ride for a long time. I plan on visiting this forum regularly. I hope you do too, but please reach out to your mother and friends. You need real hugs and personal attention.

[Hope75]

Hi Miss,

 

I'm curious why you did not share with your mom that you two had broken up. I know at least for me it feels good to get that sort of stuff out and be able to talk about it with my mom and have her comfort me.

 

Do you feel that your mom might not be supportive if you told her?

[miss888s]

i have had a very open relationship with my mum. i could talk about nearly everything with her. but i cant ...i dont have th eheart to tell her that i broke up with him...i know that she will be disappointed too. she really liked him. i would probably break down before even saying anything to her.

 

i feel like i am blocking any kind of help right now actually. you know what...i have not moved on one bit. i am still hoping that he will come back to me. can you believe that?!!! God i still love him so much. my mind and soul feels so empty and tired.

[Hope75]

Miss,

 

Maybe taking a small step, like admitting to your mom that he's gone and letting her in so that you can share your grief and feel her support would be a good idea. It sounds as though she would be very supportive, and it is not your fault that he left, Miss. You cannot force a person to stay where they do not want to be, so there wasn't anything about this that you could control.

 

As long as you continue to live in denial, this pain isn't going anywhere. I worry that this is the only place where you admit the truth, and that really isn't going to help you.

 

Look at Dako's story- he was married to the love of his life for a very long time and he felt like his life was over a year ago when she left. But now, he's enjoying life again. It can happen.

[Vynde]

Hello miss..

 

My name is john, and I see you going through what I feel to be the worst pain ever.. Myself and many other in here can relate to the emotional and physical pain that your are experiencing.

 

I also know the feeling of the pain never ending, but it will. It's so hard to see I know. I have trouble seeing it myself some times, but to be honest, I do feel small improvements in myself. Don't get me wrong, they are very small, but they are real, and I know that things will only get better..

 

Miss, it's so important to tell your family and friends, they will support you. It will also help speed the healing process - and that's important!!

 

I know for me, a temporary relief is thinking "Well, I was fine before this person came into my life, I will be fine after as well".

 

In closing, this forum, Friends, family, Keeping busy, eating right, crying - all these things help this very slow moving process.. So keep moving fwd, Post here and do what is necessary to wake up every morning, and breath..

 

You will be ok, We will be ok.. It will get better!

(((((((((((((((((((((((HUG)))))))))))))))))))))))))

 

John