She's had sex with six other guys

[anondont]

I have an excellent relationship going on right now, I could not be happier with it. The other night I was laying down with her and we were talking. I knew she wasn't a virgin before me (I was, but it never bothered me before that she wasn't) but I asked her how many guys she has been with before me, expecting an answer of only a couple. The answer was six, and for some reason that seemed really high to me! I am perfectly fine with it, and I assured her that it wouldn't be a problem (I am not a pushy guy and I love her very much, we've been going steady for 8 months now). But now, I can't get it out of the back of my head that she's been with 6 other guys before me! I keep picturing her with other people and it disgusts me, and I just don't know how to handle it. I guess this would be considered jealousy, although I've never been a jealous person, but I just want to get it out of my head! I don't want to confront her about anything, cause I realize that the past is the past, what's done is done, it shouldn't be lingered over... but if someone has advice on how I can dismiss this issue, it would be great.

[room302]

In relationships there is often a problem with power and balance.

 

When one patner has done more sexually then it automaticlly makes the other patner feels sevral things

A/Jealous of their patner

b/Worried that they arent satisfied

C/Angry at other guys taking 'advantage' of her

D/It can make you feel that maybe your just next in a line

 

Well thats the stuff i felt. It feels like you have totell them that your just as sexually experinced as they are but tahts the wrong attitude to take.

 

For starters try not to think of her with other guys because remember you were just the same with other girls. Just because there more doesnt mean they were neccisarly better. your the one she loves now sorry im not much help im very tired. hope it goes well

[anondont]

Actually that was helpful, cause I realized that it's a sort of mix of C and D... I had thoughts that maybe I was just the next in the line because she's been with virgins before (even though that's not true, I know her better than that, but it still lurks in the back of my head). And she also was taken advantage of, rather, raped would be a better word, by an extended family member, earlier on in her life. When I found that out, that made me beyond angry to the point that I put holes in my wall. Hearing her tell me that it was six other guys I guess had a revival of that emotion. Any more advice is still appreciated, thanks alot

[ezila]

I just don't understand why people obsess over the number of PAST partners their lover has been with. It doesn't make sense to me. They are in the PAST, YOU are in the present. What difference does it make if it was 6, 16, or 60? As long as there's (a) no health risk to you, and (b) no chance that she's still sleeping with any of the HISTORICAL paramours, why should it even matter?

 

I don't mean to seem like I am attacking you; I just see this topic pop up a lot here, and it just baffles me. Like the omnipresent double standard wherein if it was one of your guy buds, he'd be labeled a "stud" for being with six women; when it's a woman with those kinds of numbers, she's a harlot who inspires insecurity in her new relationships.

 

Don't even THINK about the number. Focus instead on the fact that she's with YOU now.

[Ash]

The part that bothered me most about my wife having had several partners before me was that I'd missed out. She was my first. I wasn't jealous, or any of those other things you've been talking about. I felt left out, like I'd missed something.

 

Only thing I can say is: she's with you now, not those other 6 guys. They're in the past. Find out if she particularly liked anything about any of them, and be better than her memories of them. Be number one in her head and all will be well. If you feel you need to, find out from her something about each of those guys she didn't like, that might make you feel a bit better.

[revere]

The topic of past partners is definitely a test to any insecurities you may have about yourself: Am I experienced enough? Has she had better? Am I next in line? etc. Being an experienced woman, let me tell you how I would feel if my significant other had any worries related to my past experiences.

 

First of all, she broke up with those guys because there was a critical problem in the relationship. None of them are people she wants to spend her time with anymore. Even if she may talk to them by phone or email, she is spending her life with you right now. She enjoys you. She is going to continue to spend it with you unless there is something wrong and hopefully it won't be because she's had partners before you.

 

Second, there is nothing she can do about it. Even if she hates that there was someone before you or regrets anything that has happened, she can't change it. She can't go back and rewrite anything. Of course they were all mistakes, she's not with them anymore, and thank God she isn't because she would have been miserable. More power to her for getting out of a situation she wasn't comfortable with and into a relationship she is happy with now, with you.

 

Third, only 6 guys? Honey, please. We've gone through the sexual revolution and you are lucky you found someone who's only slept with six. You would probably be surprised that she's kept the number that low. Hopefully you didn't act in a way that would have led her to believe she should lie about it because that's where you would have a real problem. She'll love you even more if you can accept that she was honest and you trust her enough to stay with her. Don't feel insecure about it because you can rest assured that if she wasn't happy she would have no problem leaving. You would not imagine how much pressure and anxiety is relieved when someone can know your "number" and still want to be with you. It makes you feel like you can trust them with even more secrets.

 

Finally, women nowadays need a guy who can handle this sort of issue. This is minor compared to the **** that goes on in a world where buses are exploding and people are dying because they can't deal with the past and they let it affect the present. There will always be someone to blame for something that makes you uncomfortable. Hate and anger are the easiest emotions to fuel. With control, discipline and keeping the big picture in mind (love) you will find yourself a better person in a lasting relationship.