Somedays I am grateful

[jules12234]

Thought I would post this thought and thought it might help those going through the pain of breaking up.

 

I have broken up nearly 4 months after living together for 2 years. He just walked out one day and it was the biggest shock of my life and I was absolutely devastated.

 

But during this breakup lots of things have been discovered - he was very untruthful about things in his life and had conned me a lot.

 

Anyway, we have not had any contact for over 5 weeks at my request and I am now getting the point where I am grateful that he walked out of my life - at least now I know what type of man he is and his problems are his alone. He really hid his deceitful, sly side and I didn't see it at all - in fact it was only during the breakup that his true nature and the deceit was found out and did I feel a fool.

 

So now I think I have lost nothing - a man that lied to me, stole from me, sponged off me and all the while was leading me to believe that he loved me and I was important, but as I have said before he has lost me - someone who was nothing but a true friend, loved him and took care of him. His loss.

 

Of course, I miss the man I thought he was but he was never real and that keeps me going.

 

So upwards and onwards I hope.... well I really couldn't have done much worse.

[desertnomad]

Good Post Jules, I feel the same way about my ex who walked out on me without warning one day. She was a liar and her problems are all her own though she continues to try and blame me for them. Take Care

[L.J.]

Thank you much for your post. It took some weight and doubts off my shoulder and in time I hope to be like you, able to discover myself, my ex, and see things in clarity. It's inspiring to know that some good can be acquired from a difficult situation.

 

I wish you well and continuous upwards and onwards journey. Thanks again !!

[jules12234]

Thank you much for your post. It took some weight and doubts off my shoulder and in time I hope to be like you, able to discover myself, my ex, and see things in clarity. It's inspiring to know that some good can be acquired from a difficult situation.

 

 

Well LJ - three months ago I would never have thought I would feel like this too. It took me a while to faced what he was doing/had done to me and accepted that I could never be with him again, I could never trust him with my feelings let alone anything else and I had accept it was over. I now know I deserve better.

 

I think a good exercise is to really think about what you want in the future - more friends, a class, better social life and start thinking about how to get that - put the ex in the past for a while and concentrate on you and getting what you want to make your life fuller and happier.

 

Good luck to you.

[L.J.]

Yes, Jules, I agree and am taking baby steps to focus on putting my life together. I just started NC for about 2 weeks and I keep falling back into an emotional tail spin. Hopefully, I will feel better, even if it's not at your level in 3 months. I want to.

 

Sometimes I wish there is a reason, my ex was cheating on me or something. Maybe what makes it so difficult is because I don't have anything to blame for what I am going through.

[jules12234]

I wasn't being cheated on either - he had a lot of problems though especially financially which he never told me about, but I suppose I think now that whatever he was going through - firstly in a relationship he should have told me and secondly if he did love me like he said he would never have left me or lied about things. So I suppose my ex just didn't consider or care about me enough - that is my reason.

[L.J.]

When all comes down to it, lying is another form of cheating, is it not? Sad he'd rather lie and run away instead of reaching out to love one for support. In any case, he's going to have to deal with the problems, all by himself now.

[waslovinghusband]

My ex did just that: She refused to reach out and feel love or compassion for me when I needed her the most. I found out later that it was because she was passing me up for someone else.

 

Her loss. And his too.

 

Jules is right. We need to focus on what we want to become, not what we once were.

 

I miss the woman that once was but I'm beginning to think it was all her selfishness and I was blind to that. In the months to come I will probably realize that I am better off without her and the deceit that seems to follow her.

Good luck to you all.

[L.J.]

Hi there,

Waslovinghusband, it sucks when she wasn't reaching out and in your case, she's passing you up for someone else. Indeed their loss!!

 

Yeah, I'm beginning to realize we need to focus on what we want to become and I'm getting better at it.

 

I crossed the 3rd week line of NC as of yesterday. Well, not exactly, depending on how I choose to look at it. I picked up the phone when it rang thinking it was for work when she called. Small talk. I was kinda proud of myself in cutting the conversation short and not talking about '"us". It really screwed me up emotionally for a few days.

 

I was living in misery for 3 weeks. Last night a friend was going to a gathering and I accepted his invitation to join him. Most of people there are married or couples. It was melancholy for me at first but they are such nice people, by the end of the night, I was having a great time and realized how unhappy I was in my relationship. I was smiling again with this group of new found friends. Seeing them interact as couples teaches me what a healthy and sincere relationship should be and reinforced that I made the right decision to end mine. I came home at one in the morning feeling like I was being rewarded for my 3rd week of NC.

 

I know I will fall into emotional turmoils and miss my ex again, least now I feel a little bit stronger now to maintain NC.

[RayKay]

Time, and healing, give you clarity. And often, that is "no contacts" biggest positive, because it gives you the distance to see what was too close too see at the time.

 

I refer to it as that "turning point" when you realize what was, and it's this time too you really decide you don't even want to go back.

 

It's a very good step!

[L.J.]

RayKay,

Very encouraging post and perspective. Thanks!!

Yeah, for so long I was being the most sincere, understanding and supportive partner I could be. I failed utterly to recognize the fact that I'm dealing with another human being who might interpret values in a relationship very differently.

 

I believe I might be at the stage you refer to as "turning point" but am uncertain if I've really decided not even want to go back yet. I am hoping to get there soon. Guess what I learned last night is how a healthy relationship should be... now I just need to come to term that my relationship can't be.

 

Thanks for pointing out the positive of "no contacts" and it also helps to know that I'm taking a very good step.