I don't understand all of the lies, it's just getting so old.

[caro33]

Oh P.S.- I remember you said you were getting married, judging by you calling him your husband this has happened? Congratulations!! I hope your day was magical.

 

Thanks! Yes it happened a few weeks ago. It all went perfectly, we had a great time.

 

My standards ended up being set so low from my past experiences, I continue to be gobsmacked this man exists. I didn't think it was possible. He's wonderful, filled to the brim with integrity. I know in every way that he is committed to me and our life together, and I know he is trustworthy. Found my best friend at last.

[pregnantkitty_1985]

If I stayed but... refused to marry him and refuse to start a family and etc at the present time, but also gave him the chance to see if he will change and meet my values, then could it possibly work? The Texas thing is a good idea but, now my friend is staying at home so it doesn't seem likely this will come to pass. As it is I couldn't just pick up and leave at this present time. I am trying to get a steady job though, so I will have a backup plan in case he doesn't ever meet my values (or, he's not making any effort to and weeks and months start to go by, I won't stand for it because he's lied enough!)

 

Since I've last posted, we've had about two different arguments/discussions, about the same issues that have been plaguing me for months (evidential by all the threads I make about it, hehe.) He has swore to his commitment and swore to how he knows what he did was wrong, and weak, and how he knows he made a massive mistake and wouldn't mess everything up all over again. He said he's trying to make this work and trying to better himself, granted, from all I've heard he's done a lot of changing since his daughter was born and if he could change that much from the guy he used to be, I believe there might possibly be some fight in him yet, some motivation to change. Though right now I'm using the word 'change' lightly because I'm hesitant to believe if that guy who did what he did is really him... being that the friend factor was into play. I think he is a good guy essentially and has shown himself to be such (apart from that horrible incident) on many different occasions. I also however think he's easily misled and has been since a kid, trying to "fit in" like a lot of people do. But has matured and since the incident, has learned a lot about what it means to be your own individual person, not what everyone else wants you to be. I think my influence has had a lot to do with that because I'm very much an individual, and am not easily swayed by others, like sheep in a flock. I also make a point to NOT hang around shady characters and bad influences, and I think he's learned this as well. I must say he has moved beyond peerpressure since the incident and hasn't been swayed by anyone since. Except me, and I'm a good influence (his mother even said that I keep him straight, or something like that.)

 

But of course, I'll never forget what happened and it's hard to forgive, resentment is always on the back of my mind. I still can't believe the person he is and the person with the values he says he has did such a thing. So I do know, I have to be very careful and always watch my back, always keep one eye open on him, until he can prove himself. If he doesn't prove himself, or doesn't work on making changes, then I promise you I will not stay with him. You have my word. And I won't sit around waiting for years or even many months for him to change, either. I'm going to set a time limit and see if he's truthful in his intent or he's just lying to me to keep me around. For now when issues start plaguing me too much and starts giving me headaches, I've started writing a journal on Enotalone. It helps some. It doesn't solve my issues and it doesn't accomplish much, but it does help to clear my head, get out anger/frustration/resentment/worry/anxiety, and also helps me with my writing. I had a teacher who said writing a journal is a wonderful writing exercise. It's nothing major, nothing that could be published but I think will help me with my writing. I have always written since I was a child, fictional stuff and non fictional stuff. It's a way to vent, as well.

 

I also promise that I will have the trip away from home or something similar to gain more life perspective, to see what's out there. At this moment in time it's not possible, but soon enough should be. Plus by doing so, I would see whether he's really serious or is just keeping me around because he doesn't want to be alone. If I left somewhere and he decided to break it off or see others, or I came back and discovered that's what he was doing, well, I guess I'd know for sure his true intentions. You're not being toxic and there's nothing to apologize for, you have been so far the most helpful and insightful advisor thus far, in fact, ever.

[pregnantkitty_1985]

Thanks! Yes it happened a few weeks ago. It all went perfectly, we had a great time.

 

My standards ended up being set so low from my past experiences, I continue to be gobsmacked this man exists. I didn't think it was possible. He's wonderful, filled to the brim with integrity. I know in every way that he is committed to me and our life together, and I know he is trustworthy. Found my best friend at last.

 

I hope to one day be as lucky & happy as you are. You deserve it

[may-louise]

Oh, I reread what I wrote and realized how it sounded when I said he doesn't want to take me to cheap and crappy places. I meant that's how HE sees it. I wouldn't complain about going to say, burger king, hey a girl needs to throw down on burgers and fries every once in a while. I wouldn't complain at all. It's how he views things though, he doesn't want to take me to such places and brings it up constantly.

 

ok ive been reading all this and he seriuosly reminds me of my ex, he was like this then started hitting me so plz for your own saftey leave!!!!!!!

he has anger problems you said that urself.

[pregnantkitty_1985]

ok ive been reading all this and he seriuosly reminds me of my ex, he was like this then started hitting me so plz for your own saftey leave!!!!!!!

he has anger problems you said that urself.

 

I appreciate your comment and I'm sorry you had to be with someone who was so abusive and damaging to you. No one deserves that.

 

However, yes I did say he has anger problems, but I don't believe he would start hitting me. He is the type of person who would feel badly about hurting someone. Plus, a lot of people are quick to jump to the conclusion that, because a man has anger problems, he must also be abusive and will sooner or later raise a hand to you. I don't believe this is so. Many people have anger problems that don't develop into abuse. I must clarify; he takes his anger out on objects, not people, nor does he verbally abuse me in anyway.

 

Honestly, I'm much more concerned with him cheating, attempting to cheat, and the fact that he's done shady things concerning minors, than with him ever laying a hand on me.

[caro33]

Hey kitty, yes I think that this could work as long as you are giving yourself true space and time to consider your options. You are wise and I believe that you will come to the right decision, whatever that is.

 

To harp on a bit, the key for me is to always try and imagine yourself in that other place, without him in your life, and see it for what it is. It's just another place. It's not terrible or lonely, or an endless period of being unloved. It could be great. Like I said earlier, if I could guarantee you happiness with some perfect man who 'completes you' and all that romantic guff, who may be a stranger now but who would be 'home' in the not too distant future, how does that change your perception of mr kitty?

 

There is no need to hurtle down the path of marriage and babies just yet if you are having doubts about your future. You are young, you have years, and certainly months, to decide what you want. If he's right for you he'll give you some time to sort stuff out, and 'wait and see'.

 

Thanks for your generosity in your responses to my comments. Hey, I am always here if you ever want to talk, and if it does get difficult to post or PM through ENA on these issues let me know and I can provide my email address.