Emotionally abusive boyfriend of 2+ years--to end, & what to do??

[veryupset]

Hi. I really don't know how to say this, but I'm shaking (and having trouble typing!) and could definitely use some support/advice.

 

My boyfriend and I have been together for 2+ years. I didn't now that he was an alcoholic until we were a few months into the relationship--he hid it from me well, but it got worse about a half a year into the relationship, and it's still just as bad--if not worse.

 

I wrote a few-hundred-word rant right here, but I deleted it (it's been a while, and I just talked to someone), so I'm going to make it short: I feel upset 50% of the time, almost, because of my boyfriend. He treats me horribly sometimes, but usually only over the phone, and usually only at night. It seems like he tries to only drink when he's at home (away from me) at night, but then he'll take his anger out on me over the phone. It upsets me very much (no one else in my life has treated me as badly as he has at times) and I didn't think that I could take it, but I still thought that I loved him and because he'd usually be nice the next day, I somehow "ignored", persay, it for 2+ years. Maybe I became numb to it, I don't know. Sometimes I think our relationship ended the first time he did it, because it upset me and I became depressed and no longer willing to do little things that would remind me of our relationship (I took down pictures of us together that day years ago).

 

He upset me this week and I told him that I was depressed and that he upset me and he didn't seem to care. I brought it up three times on different days (one day I skipped it because I didnt want to start an argument...I always do this...let something he did hurt me because I dont want to bring it up and start another argument or cause more trouble or upset him at all), I usually just let it hurt me. Well today I was still upset and thinking "maybe I should try to talk to him" since I was feeling very sad, but then I talked myself into not saying anything. I said to myself "he's being nice right now, maybe I should just pretend he never hung up on me or treated me badly the other day...I'll forgive him by not saying anything about it...I'll put it past me" so I did, I put it past me. But tonight he started acting like a *** again. Yelling at me over the phone for no reason at all, ahgning up on me, starting arguments over nothing and treating me in a way that even with my low self esteem I still know I DO NOT DESERVE TO BE TREATED. I let people walk over me but I know when to draw the line, so I told him "I'm feel very ill, I need to go" because I've never hung up on him but couldnt talk any longer because he was upsetting me too much and my heart was racing. he refused to hang up so i kept telling him i didnt feel well and that i needed to hang up. finally we hung up, he called back and i felt bad not answering so i did, thinking he might be calling to appologize (why do i think that lately? all he ever calls for is to make me feel worse), but he just made me feel much worse and now here i am. he tried to call at least five more times since then and i didnt answer because i cant take it anymore if hes calling to treat me like that again. i just dont even want to talk to him ever again now, and i dont know what to do. i dont know how to end it. please help me........i really dont know what do .

 

i tried to break up with him before and he told me he'd never ever do it again (upset me over the phone or drink and treat me like crap) but he did do it again. when i tried to break up with him he cried in my arms and said he didnt know what hed do without me, but he makes me feel so horrible and i cant be with him. i dont know how to end it. i really dont. its like he wont let me. i feel so horrible right now....

[veryupset]

i actually wrote him an email the other day when i was upset because i was so upset and he had hung up on me and wouldnt answer his phone, and i wouldnt be seeing him the next day because i had school, so i sent him a message saying this:

 

"Hi...

 

I was kind of upset and about to write something rude, but I don't want to. icon_cry.gif

 

Maybe it'll be easier to reach you on here...it sounded like you hung up on me on the phone...

 

I wanted to cheer you up...I tried to (more than once); I was going to write you to cheer you up, but I figured getting a mail and having it be from me would be a letdown, so I didn't...

 

I've been stressed out lately...

 

I don't want to upset you...I just want you to cheer up! icon_sweatdrop.gif I still hope that [taken out in order to shorten] Well...I don't know what else to say...I was kind of hoping to be cheered up, but it doesn't really matter...I'm upset pretty often. I usually just let things upset me because I don't want to make them worse or upset other people in return, and after a few hours of being upset, I usually become numb to everything (that's kind of what I am...someone with five hundred things that I'm trying to be numb to while still trying to be happy), so it doesn't really matter. I just want the people that I care about to be happy.

 

Maybe you'll see this tomorrow...

 

I guess I should finish cleaning [also taken out, but basically the email ended with some cheerufl things because i wanted to cheer him up...they were all nice]

 

but i dont know if he didnt get the hint or what, because he never mentioned the mail and when i brought it up later he was like "oh i got a lot of mail from different people" like he didnt even read mine, but he did because he knew what mail i was talking about. does he just not care?

 

the mail actually started out as a rant because i was mad he hung up on me, but i turned it into something nice because i didnt want to upset him. i told him "i was about to write something rude, but i dont want to" because i didnt want to upset him, i just wanted him to cheer up because when he's not as upset he's usually not as mean to me. I said "it sounded like you hung up on me on the phone" because supposedly a better way to get someone to admit/talking about something is to not accuse them. instead of saying "you hung up on me, why the * * * * did you do that to me, it upsets me?" i said "it sounded like"...i dont know...i also said "but I figured getting a mail and having it be from me would be a letdown" as a sort of hint that he doesnt even seem to care about me any more, hoping that hed catch on and write me back or call me and say thats not true, that he does care about me and loves to talk to me, or something nice that a real boyfriend would say. someone who actually means it when they say they love you.

[Diablo7000]

i'd try to get outa the relationship if i were u by any means possible, i've been thro something like that, my ex was addicted tod rugs and weed, and when she was high would treat me bad and yell at me for stupid stuff and half of it i never did, but seriously I think you should just end it with him, even over the phone if you have to, and if he comes up with some bull about him not ever doing it again, as much as he does drink now, he won't stop, once you start it's to hard to quit.. you need to just tell yourself i'm not going to accept him back cause he hurts me to badly when we're together, and if he does threaten you or something, then get a restraining order, and don't feel bad about getting one, i mean in your situation, it would probably be nice if he ever did try to hurt you.. but get outa that as soon as possible.

[Dako]

I could write a long post explaining how and why and what you need to do, but the short version is to dump this guy.

You expected that, didn't you?

 

Perhaps insted of explaining his treatment of you and your reactions, you could answer why you stay in this misery.

[veryupset]

thanks for the replies. Yeah, I guess I just wanted to post it here and that way I wouldn't forgive him this time. i can't. i actually felt really bad for not answering the phone when he called five times in a row earlier...i was crying and upset and thinking "I love him" and i felt so bad for not answering, like he might be upset (well im almost sure hes upset) and i should answer it and try to work things out and wed both be happy again, but your right, it doesnt last because once i forgive him he'll just upset me again and he wont care. he doesnt seem to care. i dont know. i just feel really bad right now. thanks for the replies. im ending it. i really am this time. he told me not to call back but i know he'll call me (he already did five times) tomorrow and one of these times i'll have to answer thinking its someone else (i don thave caller id so i do have to answer the phone during the day) before i see him i'll probably definitely end up talking to him on the phone. and i'll have to end it. i feel really bad but i do and i will this time. i can't do it anymore. i went through it so long because well i lost my virginity to this guy and weve been together for years and it just feels like we're stuck together...maybe it's not even love (it cant be after how much he upset me...) it's more like a bond that was creating just from being together so long, like i'm so used to our relationshp i don't know how things would be without it. but i have to end it.

[Dako]

Get a cheap answering machine. Screen his calls out, ignore emails, and don't give a fig about what he feels. He cares only about himself, and knows he can mistreat you and you'll come back for more. He counts on it to feel power.

 

You only prolong this abuse if you stay. Otherwise, you'll be free to take a break from men or meet that guy that will treat you with respect.

[blackdiamond]

Hey sweetie...

 

I'm going to pretend for a second that you do go back to him (and I hope you don't) and this is what will probably happen;

 

You go back, but you tell him that you're seriously thinking of ending the relationship, that it's getting to be too much.

 

He'll apologize, agree with you, and promise to try harder.

 

He will.........briefly. Then he'll go back to his old ways.

 

Eventually, you'll REALLY blow up at him, do NC for a while because you're soo mad, and this will scare the crap outta him.

 

After a few weeks, he'll call and you'll answer. He'll sincerely apologize, say he needs to work on this and that, maybe say he needs to 'cut down' on drinking, but profess his undying love for you. And you'll want to believe him and want to support him. And you'll want to help him, so you get back together, but probably a bit guarded on your part.

 

And he will try for awhile, maybe even a month. And you'll see that he's trying!

 

But just when you get sucked back in, the **** will hit the fan. Again.

 

 

Moral-I don't think he's going to change. I've seen this whole scenario, and it's just a never ending cycle. And you aren't giving him any real reason to change, in fact, just by going back to him you are giving him permission. Please dump him for good and let this guy hit rock bottom....don't let him drag you down with him.

 

Best of luck to you....I really empathize with your situation.

[rmpavlock]

Once you spend some time away from him, you'll gain a different perspective on it. If he hasn't changed after 2+ years, he probably isn't going to. Don't let his crying or his promises get to you. He only seems to be promising he won't hurt you when you threaten to break it off. Try not to worry about how he's going to feel. How he reacts to all of this is up to him. He has to make things better for himself. That's not your job. I'll bet you anything that once you are away from this guy, you'll have no desire to go back there and you'll probably be wiser to it in the future. Start standing up for yourself now by not going back with him. You'll be proud you had the strength to end things!

[SarahRose]

Once you spend some time away from him, you'll gain a different perspective on it. If he hasn't changed after 2+ years, he probably isn't going to. Don't let his crying or his promises get to you. He only seems to be promising he won't hurt you when you threaten to break it off. Try not to worry about how he's going to feel. How he reacts to all of this is up to him. He has to make things better for himself. That's not your job. I'll bet you anything that once you are away from this guy, you'll have no desire to go back there and you'll probably be wiser to it in the future. Start standing up for yourself now by not going back with him. You'll be proud you had the strength to end things!

 

I agree with this. Staying away really is how to end it with abusive people. 100% nc will clear your head and a few weeks from now, you'll be wondering to yourself how you stayed as long as you did.