Need advice.. Thanks

[temujin]

Hi people,

 

I had a roller coaster of a year and now I need advice from you people.... Thanks............

 

Jan 2006 - Got dumped by gf of 3.5 years for a colleague at her work place..

 

Feb - Jun 06 - quit job, depression, generally putting the pieces back together

 

July -2006 - Finally pulled myself out of the rut totally and got another job.

 

Sep 06 - Things are starting to look good, I am doing well in my new job, good relations with superiors, very popular among my colleagues . Things have never gotten better than this for the year.

 

Oct 06 - The story begins here........

 

There is 1 girl (lets call her T) at my workplace who used to sit near my table (we have shifted into cubicles since) that I knew was my type and I will probably like but she is attached. Knowing that, I had kept T at arms lenght to avoid giving myself the grief of liking someone unavailable since July. So things were cool for the few months leading up from July to Oct, there were occasions where she did things for me which anyone can brush off as simple friendly acts. This include getting me to sign up for company courses along with her and another colleague we hang around with for lunch, calling me up in the morning and asking me if I want her to get coffee for me (I arrive at work later than her) and basically all the little little things that well don't really indicate anything much rather than just simply general kindness. And well, I was fine, never see her beyond a colleague who is more kind to me than others but thats because I am nice to her too (although I dont treat her special too).

 

The problem is that as the days go by T started to let down her guard and me too. And I find myself talking to her a lot more and she started to confide with me her problems at work. Things got to a point where we were just flirting when no one was looking. Gradually, we started to knock off work at the same time and going home together (she made a change in her usual train route to accompany me till my train station). There were numerous occasions when she will spontanously display her concern for me - e.g. when I was down from a customer complaint, she cracked silly jokes and made her self look silly to cheer me up in front of our usual lunch buddies. Btw, at this point her bf has left for a 2 years overseas course at the start of October. At one point, someone pointed out how we were behaving like Jim and Pam from The Office.

 

And 2 weeks ago.... my ex decided to give me the "call" that exes will give when you had moved on, when you are happy and she no longer matters. It was the usual "Do you still love me" etc. crap which I promptly brushed her off. But that call was significant as I realise that I am now that guy who snatched her from me except it was to T and her bf who is now overseas. And my ex sounded really depressed in the phone call beacuse the new guy just wasn't treating her as well and that made me wonder about T if the same thing was to happen.

 

At one point last week, Wednesday, I gave a thought over all the events that had transpired and decided to cut myself off from her slowly because I thought that that will be the right thing to do due to:

 

1) I am here to work.. starting a relationship is not my priorty

2) I dont want to put anyone through the same pain I went through

3) I want to live my life as a good person and without guilt

4) I have feelings for her now but they are not that deep and I can still get out now

5) I dun wnat T to go thru what my ex is going through now.

6) I dun want to lose a good friend.

7) It just feels like the right thing to do.

 

So I started cutting myself off on thursday and friday...

 

On thursday, she decided to give me a call at the end of the day (did not speak to her the whole day) after she left the office. She wanted me to get a file from her file cabinet and hand it to her boss. This was a weird request as all our managers have keys to our cabinets and they can access it anytime. The only reason she gave was pretty lame being that she did not want her boss to go thru her files cabinet (no personal stuff allowed inside those cabinets). The weirder thing is that she called my cell phone after she could not reach me at my desk knowing that I would had left the office at the time already.... But I just brushed off the whole incident as lack of thinking on her side and since she sounded so business like... it probablhy was just pure business call.

 

Today, I attended a customer meeting in the morning which ended late in the afternoon after normal lunch hours. In between, she decided to text me "How is the meeting?" during lunch. We exchanged a few messages and it got to the point of flirting with her again.........

 

I know all these probably means that she misses me and it really breaks my heart to ignore her

 

I am now very very confused. I really really like her a lot but I know I cant do anything. I am also quite sure my feelings are genuine, not because I want a rebound or the feelings were just a fleeting crush............ Someone tell me what I should do next?!?!

[Dating Coach]

Young Genghis Khan,

 

You are correct in thinking that the things "T" was doing with you could easily and even most likely be just "friend" stuff. ESPECIALLY with confiding in you about her problems, telling you to take classes, hanging out, flirting, etc. ALL of that happens all of the time between two friends (male/female) everyday. It is usually the guy that puts more significance to this than the girl.

 

Another HUGE note is that her boyfriend was leaving and finally has left. She's got this void now that her boyfriend once filled. I would be surprised if she didn't turn to her to her male friend that she's going to see everyday at work to start filling some of those roles. This does not mean she does or does not like you romantically. We still don't know that at all. You've never asked her out and she has never asked you out. You've never kissed each other, had sex, been naked around each other, etc. Until that happens, you do not know anything about what she feels toward you.

 

I've seen guys who were so close to their female friend that they'd cuddle together and fall asleep together at night on the couch after watching movies. But you know what? The guy found out eventually when he told her he liked her that she saw them as just friends. That's much more developed than you currently are with "T". If you want to know if she is interested in you then you'd have to ask her out.

 

One thing I want to commend you on is standing your ground when the "ex" called, although I think that you shouldn't have even picked up and gave her the chance. Your "ex" was testing you. She wanted to know if she still had you. If you would have confessed to her that you are still in love with her and want her back then she may have come back for a little bit but then she'd leave again. You would have taught her that she has you so bad that even when she leaves you for another guy you would still want her. She'd end up leaving again for someone she saw as more intriguing, and she'd runyour emotions through another roller coaster. You did well in not giving her any of that. Show her that you've moved on, that you're better now, that you don't need her. That will make her only want you back more, and you know what? She doesn't deserve it so you don't give it to her. Well done.

 

Now you've mentioned that you do not wand the same feelings to happen with "T's" man if you were to move in on "T" while he is away. You don't have to be. It's "T's" choice on whether or not she wants to be with that guy and if she isn't satisfied then she needs to leave him. Not for you, for herself. You have no part in that guilt. It's hers, as long as you aren't cutting in now. If she says she wants to leave him for you tell her that you do not mess around with girls who have boyfriends and that if she is interested in you then she needs to first break it off completely or else forget the whole idea. You refuse to be caught in the middle of this so she needs to make up her own mind.

 

As far as backing off with her... why? Were you cutting in? Joking, hanging out, flirting, etc all of this is fine between friends unless the friend's partner has a problem with it. Friends (male/female) flirt all of the time. It's normal, it's fun. Why stop?

If you suddenly withdraw and start being moody, depressed, distant, etc she WILL pick up on this and inquire as to what is wrong. Then you'll end up confessing to her about your feelings and that is the worst thing you could do. Instead, do the same as you have been, or if you do choose to do less, then do only a small amount less and if any inquiries are made simply say you've been busy. Also, start going out with the guy friends more and meet other women. There's nothing so great as options, especially if you meet someone who's not in such a predicament.

 

Good luck bro.

[markfromark]

Hi people,

 

1) I am here to work.. starting a relationship is not my priorty

2) I dont want to put anyone through the same pain I went through

 

about 1): romance at work is never a good idea unless one participant quits sooner or later

 

2) I made the same decision after I was dumped for another man. Just shows character I think. I know for sure that this is one thing that bugs my ex about her new man: that he was able to butt into a flawed but existing relationship.

[temujin]

diggitydogg ,

 

Thanks for your very enlightening email. I felt that was the way to go too . Besides she does not use me as a emotional support for her relationship problems (she never really talks about her bf in front of me) and to the point that she tried to avoid showing me any pictures of her and her bf. I think she does respect me in some way. Still, I will behave normally and let things run its course naturally.

[ArchToronto]

Your situation is so much like mine because my gf of 3.5 years had left me for another guy at her work 6 months ago. Then shortly after I met a girl who I was kind of interested in and she as well but she had a bf and after I knew I stopped because like you said, I don't want to feel guilty for being the guy that stole them away from their love just like what has happened to us.

 

My situation was similar to yours although not intense but it follows the basic concept. My only advice for you (even though this may sound cliche) is to follow your heart. Its true that it would be heartbroken for the bf if T left him for you and you and I both know the indescribable pain that is but in the end, its up to T to decide too, because after all shes an adult and she can't help who she loves.

 

When I found out my ex left me for another guy, at first I was in shocked but I wasn't angry or bitter about it even though I hate the fact that it had to happened to me. But I thought about it and realized that with if I love my ex I will let her go and be happy even if its not with me. So same goes for you and T because if she left her bf for you, you don't have to feel guilty about it because after all you didn't do anything manipulative or conniving to steal her away from the bf, it just happened right.

 

So to recap my points, just go with the flow and don't think about "oh what is the right thing to do" because in love there is no right or wrong answers. Just do what you want and don't regret it. Another possible action could be for you to one day sit down with T and talk to her about your feelings and asked her the same. Then discuss your concerns with her like you have here and see how it goes from there.

 

Best of luck

[temujin]

Things has progressed and regressed the past 2-3 weeks....

 

There were at times when I did my best to ignore her and just busied myself with work and she will come hopping over for various things. There will be times when I will be the one taking the initiative with contact. There were times when she seems all focus on maintaining the boundaries and there were times when it was just so obvious that she just plain enjoyed her time with me.

 

Last friday, I "hanged out" with her during lunch alone, finally. I am not even sure how it went but it was one of the best fridays I have in a long time, that I am sure.

 

This week, not seeing her for the entire week as I am outside of office for an assignment..... Left her a pack of her favorite sweets when I was back to pack my stuff on Sunday.

 

 

Am I doing this because I do not see anyone better for me in my life now? I hope I can move on once someone else comes into my life, for now, it seems that I am just contended the way things are..