Do I break up with him, if so WHAT THEN?

[TrinityII]

Hi, this is my first post here, this looked like a really great site for advice so thought I'd give it a try. Here's my story:

 

Been in a serious relationship for exactly 3 years tomorrow, but it's starting to feel more like a sentence than a celebration. In the 3 years we've known eachother we've only spent 4 nights apart, that was when he had to go into hospital. Living together from day 1 was great for the first couple of years, but I've started to really need some of my own space - just an afternoon every so often to myself. The few times I've tried to do this he's flown off the handle, basically convincing himself that I must be running off to spend time with another guy - so on the whole I avoid doing anything on my own - and considering our interests differ (I love going to live gigs, he prefers to stay in with a movie etc..) this basically means I very rarely get the chance to stuff that I want to do. It's too much hassle to put up with the mood he gets in if I go off on my own, and taking him with me results in him sulking & trying to make the night as unenjoyable for me as possible.

 

Reading this myself, it looks like a no-brainer - I should break up with him. But we both suffer from depression & I don't think he'd cope with me leaving him, & I'm not strong enough myself to cope either. He's attempted suicide several times before I met him, it's not inconceivable he'd try again if I left him. Currently I have 2 jobs, he's on sick pay for an accident to his arm that'll stop him from working for at least a year, so I'm the only source of income our house has got - eg if I leave him he'll be skint, unable to work, depressed ... etc, etc ... Christ this is hard. I've promised myself that there won't be a 4 year anniversary - I'll break up with him before them. But there doesn't ever seem to be a 'right time' to do it.

 

Can anyone else relate to this/any advice out there? All I can think about is breaking up with this guy - and how awful it would be.

 

 

Lucie

[Lovely8466]

It definitely sounds like you two need some space. Maybe instead of telling him you want to break up, tell him that you need some time apart. Either take time apart and stay with someone else, or him with someone else-- or move out of the apartment. Are you on a lease? It would be best to wait till the lease is up. I wouldn't hold back everything though because you're afraid of what he'll do. You can't worry about him in this scenario, worry about yourself. This is about you and getting your space you need. No matter what, it will be very hard to cope with, but try and be strong. Spend lots of time with friends and family and try to stay as busy as you can, that way you won't have time to think about it. It sounds like you really need some time for youself!

[blender]

Well there is no more "right" time then when you yourself know that you can not be YOURSELF in the relationship, walking on eggshells, thinking if you leave him he might harm himself, that is no way to live. You deserve a better life, and so does he....

 

You are powerless over him and his choices, you are not that much in control that if you "stay" that all will be okay, and if you "go" then all hell will break loose. It's best to live in the "truth" and that means, being calm, honest, have a plan for yourself. You are already thinking through the possilbity of leaving and that is the start, you are unhappy, don't feel free, (and in a healthy relationship although we have responsiblities we do feel "free" to be our best selves) and you do not have this opportunity to be "free and whole" as YOUR complete self with this man...

 

Take time and baby steps to get out of this relationship, it's a bad habit at this point, and like so many "habits' it's not healthy for you or him in the long run.. Do you have a therapist who you see for your depression? Can you talk to someone about wanting to leave and how to go about it in a safe way?

 

Remember you are NOT responsible for his choices after YOU make a choice to leave him, as long as you do this in a loving, responsible way, that is all you can do.... and you can do it, it might just take some planning and a lot of talking it through before you sit down with him and express that you are concerned that the two of you may need some time apart to re-discover your sense of self..

 

NO relationship is worth losing yourself... you are worthy of long term happiness, and it starts with having the courage to be honest enough to walk through the fear of being on your own for awhile and letting him get whatever help he may need to better "himself" , that is what real love is about anyway, at some point, when you are ready to follow through on leaving, and you have a safe plan of leaving, you can tell him:

 

"I love you too much to keep living like this, I'm not happy, and I will eventually keep building up resentments towards you if I stay and niether of us deserves that bitter future, so let's see what we can do away from each other for awhile, I think we both need help here, and I care about myself and YOU too much to keep going the way things are going, we both deserve to be happy".

[bighair]

Hello:

 

I've read your post and I have some concerns.

 

Please be wary of someone who tries to control you. Your man says he is jealous that you're out w. other men. Really, he is using this infidelity an excuse to justify his own controlling behavior. I'm sure he really doesn't believe that you're out with some other guys. He likes to convince himself of that so he can continue to control you.

 

Next, it concerns me that he has a history of suicidal behavior. He is controlling, depressed and has a history of suicide attempts. This is telling me that he may pose a threat to your physical safety.

 

Please consider leaving him. Look into some women's safety resources (Domestic violence resources) in your area. Talk to someone who works with women who have experience with dealing with these types of dynamics in intimate partner relationships.

 

I know it sounds like I'm overreacting, but make sure you keep yourself safe.

[rmpavlock]

It sounds to me like breaking up might be the best thing to do. You and your boyfriend both need to be able to handle being on your own. It almost sounds like you are dependent on each other. He should not rely on you to MAKE him happy. It sounds like there is more than him being jealous. He sounds very controlling. That's never a good sign.

[TrinityII]

Thanks everyone all this help & support is invaluable

I think I might try to get some much-needed space between us for a night or two sometime soon, go visit one of my girl-friends or something. I've gotta do some xmas shopping at some point so that'd be a good excuse.

 

After posting on here the other night I got home & brought up some of my concerns with my boyfriend - which resulted in an argument during which he told me to leave - but resolved into deciding we've both got to work harder at showing we appreciate eachother's company. We know we both need eachother for support, maybe moreso than in relationships where neither party suffers from depression. Faced with the concept of actually moving out I couldn't bring myself to go thru with it - backing down & compromising seemed a lot easier (& maybe healthier? I keep thinking the problems I have are just standard issues that most people just deal with, am I blowing things out of proportion?)

 

So we're going thru a 'good patch' at the moment. I kinda see relationships like a wave frequency - good patches being the peaks & bad patches being the troughs. When the frequency increases & the peaks & troughs get too close together, I'll know the time has come to get out.