thinking of breaking NC! Arg!

[sfindependent]

hey folks... here i am again. simply put i want to break a month of NC.

 

who initiated it? I did. I was the dumpee. She used to call everyday, even 3 months after the break up, but we fought constantly. Finally, I couldnt handle it, and one day, I never picked up the phone when she did so. She never called back, ever since and I never tried to get a hold of her either. She didnt even greet me for my birthday.

 

why would I want to call? part of the reason is, I havent stopped loving her, or caring about how she's doing. I promised her i would never leave her side, and I intend to keep that. she's made it clear she didnt want to get back together and sadly, i never gave her a reason the three months that we were talking, I was always the pathetic guy.

 

after a month of NC, i feel a little stronger. I feel more mature with how i feel. some people go through the breakup by making their appearance better. Some go to the gym, some go get new clothes and redo their image (i did that as well) but me, I did something different. I actually changed my attitude. I promised myself I would watch myself, my relations with other people and be less of a jerk as I was before, to her and to the people around me. I opened my mind and compared what and how people think of me as to how I think of myself. I feel i'm a better person to be around. I am no longer the "toxic" man she aptly described me as. I am practicing active listening, i am being more considerate, and being more attentive to the people around me. Something I knew she needed before from me, and something I definitely believe i am now. I have improved mostly my personality and my attitude towards people, and the people whom I have relationships with, be it a friend or otherwise.

 

i want her to see im a better man, i want to call her and say hi. I want her to see how i have become the man I described above. I also found my purpose in life, which makes me a lot more confident in what i want to do with it, and she helped me through that path. I am going to school to become a social worker, and she pushed me and said that she will be with me all the way before (when we were together).

 

i want to initiate contact again, i know i will lose a bit of pride when i do so, but any suggestions? comments? POV's?

[-JC-]

It all depends on how you will feel. Before you do play out some situations and "what if's" because if you are ready to call, then you need to be ready for ANYTHING. Like if she comes at you with "well I got a new boyfriend, he is everything I always wanted" Would you be able to take that and not get emotional? I know this will come off strong, but if you aren't ready to contact without emotions getting involved then dont do it. But every situation is different, you need to do what your gut tells you, if you start dialing and you have the slightest bad feeling DONT DO IT, trust me. All the advice I am offering is advice I wished I followed at one point, and by following my heart I ended up hurting so much more. You will do what you want no matter what anyone says because it is your decision, but if its possible you will hurt again then dont do it. Be strong.

[blender]

If you want to "show" her you have changed, then STAY AWAY, and maintain "no contact"... this is the ONLY way she will notice a difference, calling her and expressing your feelings, or just "pretending" to be friendly and kind of hope she might notice your a "whole new you" that usually doesn't work out the way you might be "hoping, dreaming" in your own mind.

 

It's important to follow the thought of "making contact" all the way through to the aftermath. For instance, separate the "feelings" from the "facts" first. You already know that when she wanted to "talk" in the past she never hesitated to call you, and for now she is NOT choosing to do so. If you call and she is simply "courteous" because she's caught off guard as to your sudden contact, and she just says, "nice hearing from you" and then that's it, are you going to be "okay" with that, or back at square one on your healing journey?

 

I know you "feel stronger" but that is not something you need to show to HER.. this is about YOU feeling better about yourself and that has NOTHING to do with her, and in fact if you are still seeking her approval, validation, or want her to be impressed with the "new you", well then I think you might be still too emotionally vulnerable to be making any contact for now...

 

We can write so many versions in our minds about what wondeful things can come from "making contact" and most of the time these expectations lead to heart breaking disappointments.. so be careful with your own precious heart, and perhaps give yourself more time on your own... for now you're doing great, you're starting to "feel better about yourself" and that alone should be your reward for maintaining no contact for this past month.. keep it up and you'll feel even better..

 

Seeking any approval or response (negative or positve) from the ex might not give you what you think it will, and perhaps it might even set you back.

 

After all, she left you and she made that choice, and she has shown NO SIGN of changing her mind. And NO I do not think it's because you have chosen no contact, I think she's in a whole other emotional place than you are right now.. be respectful of her choice to leave, and respect yourself enough to think this all through and really know WHY you are wanting to contact... be realisitc and honest with the fact that she made a choice to end the relationship in the first place, and if she wanted it back, she would make that clear, and wouldn't give up after one unreturned phone call, if her intentions were sincere, pure and unselfish...don't you think?

[sfindependent]

well said blender. she's a proud woman. She's also immature, as I am. But i admit THAT and I dont know if she ever will on her part. She's going to be too proud to do absolutely anything, even if she wanted to. she wanted to be friends and she made it clear after we broke up. She initiated every contact.

 

In all honesty, and nothing from what you said blender, people have said that NC might bring her back when she realizes she misses me. I dont think that its going to be that way with her, not right now. and that's not the game i would want to play.

 

I guess this is just a relapse that I should ignore. I should ignore this desire to contact her.

 

but in the end, am i really doing the right thing?

[VIRGOLDY]

Bogs, is there a way you can bump into her by accident rather than contacting her?

[sfindependent]

yeah... but i dont want to do so like that. there's going to be a show coming up that she'll be there to support her friends (friends we used to have together). its going to be drinking, and partying and all that with people whom we both feel we'd be awkward to be around together.

 

F***! i dont know why i still feel like this still. its been 4 months since our break up, and been amonth of NC....i should have gotten over this by now...

[blender]

Give yourself a break, it's not been that long, and it's normal that you still have strong feelings towards her... and what you "hoped" could be.. but try to stick to the facts of what actually "is". She's initiated contact each time, so for now, maybe it's best if you stay away and continue "no contact"..

 

As far as thinking of "no contact" as a way of getting the ex back, well it's really not about that, it's about getting "yourself" back. Back to a point where you are not so vulnerable as to the "memories and hopes" of the ex.. it takes time, it took me almost a year... and my ex did contact me and ask to get together to "talk" but I chose to ignore the request, because I felt that if the ex does not clearly state the intention of "getting back together" well then, I would only be set way back emotionally if I did go ahead and establish contact again.. and I knew I couldn't go through the same thing again.. the "hope" in my heart in contacting the ex and then the abrupt unexpected casual, "hey just wanted to know how you're doing?" from the ex...

 

It's okay to maintain no contact when you are still so vulnerable, even if you can fool yourself into believing "I'll be okay if I just talk to her and I don't expect anything"... it's not really that easy to do.. it's tough, so sometimes it's just best to do NOTHING, and let the ex discover whether or not they made a mistake in leaving you.. if they do not come to this conclusion then "no contact" has helped you heal during this time, and if the DO realize they want to try again, then they are making an effort and choice to win you back, and that is the way to start again, and perhaps the best way to a new healthier longer lasting relationship...

 

I really believe "no contact" is healing either way... after all if the ex is wondering, or wanting, they usually do what they need to do to get you back, and this includes walking through thier fear, thier own pride, thier ego..etc.. when they really love in a healthy way and thier intentions are REAL and honest, they come back.. if not, then you don't want any part of them anyway...

 

Again, do what is best for you, but along the way, try to separate your "feelings" from the "facts" of the break up and that will be a good guide on what you think is best for your heart...

 

I'm so sorry you are still hurting, hang in there, sometimes in life we just have to be "sad" for awhile, don't be too afraid of feeling your heartache and growing through it.. you'll make it through all this.. you will...

[sfindependent]

thanks blender... i know there's a lot of people who advocate NC and there is a good reason, and experience with that. i havent called her, i try not to. but i do want to know she's ok. im sure she is... last i saw her, she was balling her eyes out. she's bi polar and her depression is getting to her, and i promised her i would never leave her... and this is what i did... NC... i do intend to keep my promise, which contributes to my confusion, but right now... thats what i am.... confused.

 

plus another thing that's probably keeping her busy is another guy... she said he's just a friend and last i checked their myspace profile, they're both single... but the support i want to give to her, she's getting it from someone else... im happy for her tho, but still wish i was part of her life.

[blender]

you do not have the power to "fix" her issues, you saying you would "never leave her", well you haven't, you're simply doing what is "right" for both of you and that is to not "enable" her illness, she needs to get professional help, poor thing... but you can not make this "all better" no matter how much you love her.

 

I feel for her, and I know this is difficult for you, but what "good" do you see coming from contacting her, do you think she will say, "yes, I'm glad you called help me get better"?

 

And if she does respond this way, are you okay with being her "caretaker" and not her loving partner who she respects, and loves back? Are you okay with the fact that for now she is emotionally incapable of having a balanced loving, relationship with anyone, if in fact she is bipolar and she is not being treated for it...

 

is it right for you to believe YOU have the power to fix this in her, or is it more wise to be in acceptance of her unhealthy pattern and know that she's in God's hands and that you tried, you really tried, and that now it's up to her to reflect and seek professional help and if she does not do this, then there is not much you can do?

 

Because if you are honestly only interested in helping her, then the next time she calls, you can urge her to get some professional help, and say to her, "there is no relationship that is worth either of us losing ourselves in an emotionally unhealthy way, I hope you can get some help, because I know I can not fix this for you, I love you and I can only encourage you to get some help"

 

You have to remember that her emotional unhealthiness is not a reflection on you in any way, it's just the way she is, and she will be this way with anyone... this is her pattern, and I pray that she gets the proper help, and you can do the same, just pray that she gets some help...

 

Look up "relationship with a bipolar personality" in a search engine and educate yourself so you realize that she is making choices here, and that you are powerless over those choses.. and at some point all you can do is "be there" if she calls, and you can not be "expecting" a healthy resolution to all this for now, but just be there to say, "I hope you can get some help, I know I have some issues myself to work on, one of them being, I think somehow I should be able to "heal you" when I know that is not realistic, so I'm taking this time to "work on my self" and I hope you are doing the same".

 

Because honest healthy love is not always about "staying together" but instead it's about "being in acceptance of the realistic potential and encouraging the one you love to be the best they can be on thier own first".

 

I'm sorry you are hurting, but please follow any thoughts of "contact" all the way through to the realistic result.... and take care of your heart...

[sfindependent]

aaahhhhh.... blender, u are a fresh drink from a cold, cold fountain. I appreciate the words. she has been getting help, for quite a while now, years even.

 

I have no intentions of saving her, but rather be a support system for her. Maybe later on, as you have reminded me, when I'm ready. Not right now. I still fear the words "i'm seeing someone else".

 

until I can stnad up straight and know i can take such words... I will force myself NC....

 

help me.

[blender]

You can do it, just for today, NO contact.. one day at a time, that's all I could handle when I was going through it. And remember to give yourself some credit for doing things "differently" now, you are gaining some perspective and strength, and if you really, really, love her in an unselfish, mature way, you will get out of the way and let her hit the ground, that is the only way she will ever get up on her own and grow... and you can do this because you believe in her, you love her, and you trust that a higher power is in control here, not YOU.

 

Let go with love for today, say a prayer for her to whatever god you choose, even just write it out on a piece of paper, but try to stay away for now and get back to finding YOURSELF and who you are without her, that is how you came into this world and you are worthy of getting back the YOU that can handle a mature, healthy, honest, long lasting love...

 

That starts with letting go and getting back to finding yourself... and by staying away you are giving her the LOVING OPPORTUNITY to do the same personal discovery... if she needs you she knows where to find you... trust this, and let go with love... one day at a time.. you're doing great, remember the old pattern and choices you established were NOT working. Now be proud of yourself to know that you are loving enough to do this differently by "no contact" for today..

[sfindependent]

she got to me. she emailed me and I caved in. But ill just start back. ugh. I feel so stupid. Eh.

 

Ill just start NC once more. goodbye 1 month of NC.

[blender]

That's okay, nothing has changed really.. you're just having a bit of an emotional set back, so remember this, and try to maintain no contact starting anew... this too shall pass, and you will be on to better things.

 

Remember YOU are driving your own life, she is NOT in charge of your happiness, so take hold the steering wheel, and do not to look in the rearview mirror for too long it only causes you to emotionally crash over and over again..instead look ahead to the new adventures that will unfold for the new YOU.

 

You have learned so much from this whether you realize now or not.. and it will make you better, stronger, wiser, and happier in the long run...this experience of heartache is an OPPORTUNITY for you to grow... hang in there, one day at a time.

[sfindependent]

so she called me back. explained to me why she asked for her car keys. said she was paranoid now about someone stealing stuff from her since she got her money stolen from her purse and all that a couple of weeks back right under her nose. whatever, if she doesnt trust me or whatnot, i really dont feel as bad anymore. of course the hurt is still there, but as i said, whatever.

 

first thing i asked her was, "are we that uncool that you cant even call me?" to which she responded, " i didnt think you'd want to talk to me anymore, you're the one who stopped talking to me".

 

anyway, I'm really finding this whole break up thing good in a way. I havent been the best boyfriend, nor havent been a really good friend. As i said, other people change their image, change their lifestyle, change their friends, whatever to keep their mind away from their current ex. But what i did was internalize the wrong things Ive done, the shortcomings I had and the way that I ultimately affected other people. I changed myself. I even looked at what I wanted to really do in my life and found out I wanted to really get into geriatrics and social work. My professors and my field instructor both are supporting me to get into the field that I have (its a really depressing, morose, and dark kind of a profession, which involves a lot of people dying) and I really feel like its my calling in life. Whenever I'm in my internship, that's when I feel happiest, that's when I feel I have purpose in my life. I'm not getting paid and yet, I stay 3 hours later than I have to. The other day, I was speaking with an 85 year old woman and in her frail, weak voice, said to me she was afraid to sleep, since she's afraid she will never wake up. Gosh, a million other people wont even dare step inside a hospital, much less talk to someone who's afraid of dying, knowing that's the only place they would end up going. In a twisted way, I feel good going to work in that hospital.

 

Anyway, back to my story, she called me up and we started talking, and I told her all what i just wrote above. I told her, I needed that month to think clearer, to become more mature and handle things better. She scoffed at all the things ive said so far, and pretty much in the conversation. Pretty soon, she asked me flat out, "i heard you were with a girlfriend last saturday" and I said, "no, she's just a friend". so she was like "was it *****? (the girl I cheated on her 2 years ago with, which i must add, did everything to make it up for her, apologize, change, etc). I said, "yeah, I didnt have anyone to go with so i asked her to go with me"... then after a while she said "I'm still so mad at you, ive never been this mad at anyone like this in my life" to which I said "we had good memories though, we had good things too" she said, "not enough".

 

So later on in the conversation, I asked her, "so how are things with you and *******? ( the guy she ran off to when we broke up) and she said, "great" I asked," are you guys going out already?" and she said "kinda". so I said " well, that's good for you. I'm happy you're doing things".

 

we kinda left it off like that, but she told me she'll call me back tonight. i dont expect her to call me, nor am i too excited about it. she said she was sooooo mad at me still and frankly, I do care about why she's mad at me and all that, but i cant do anything about it anymore than say sorry and change myself for the better. If she doesnt want to look and see how things are with me, and how much more meaningful of a relationship we can have (be it friend or otherwise) then I dont think things are ever going to get better, or even worth getting back anymore.

[sfindependent]

she also said the farther she got from me (being broken up and not talking to each other, made her angrier and more upset towards me). man, I know I shouldnt care anymore, but having a person who I really care about a lot, and have tried my best to show it, really, really REALLY sucks. any suggestions?

[Deserted1]

Hey Bogs, sounds like your having a real hard time with all this. It seems like the more you both have contact, the more tangled the issues get. First, you need to ask yourself what it is that you want from this relationship, I.E. friends or GF. This girl doesn't sound like she's trying to get back with you. Unless you hear the words of reconciliation, I would stick to NC. Other than that there is really nothing to talk about. Only "we had good memories though, we had good things too" she said, "not enough". Do you want to continue this cycle of pain? It goes to show that being friends right now isn't a good option.

[sfindependent]

whats funny is that i dont feel as much for her anymore, of course there are feelings that i still have but i know she doesnt want to get back with me, not after all the anger that she has with me. i am still going through the ebb and flow of things, but after talking to her tonight, I dont believe it will get any better, i agree with you when you say the more i get involved in it, the more it would seem convoluted. so stepping back and letting her do her thing may be the best i can do. I actually told her that tonight. when she said how upset she still was towards me i said " just be mad at me, and when you're ready to start talking again, just let me know".

 

i really feel i have changed, god knows how much i want her to see that, but if she's not really into that anymore, then someone else will appreciate me more.

 

i just hate this feeling of how much ive affected somebody this much.

[Deserted1]

I know what you're feeling, But nothing ever gets figured out in CHAOS. There is a jumble of emotions flyin' out there, and you're both jumping up and down to try and grab one, hoping it's an emotion that will make sense. In the end even if you are able to grab one, how would you identify it and what would you do with it? Step back and let the emotions hit the ground and get a good look at them. Then you can make a clear choice/decision on where to place your heart.

Time is your ally! You'll make it through this!

[sfindependent]

the only thing that I hate is having to let the cards fall where they may...

tonight she said she'll call me again, its 1012 already and she hasnt. probably before, i'd be on my phone dialing her number already. but tonight, i do feel a little bit of woe, but not anymore.

 

*** she actually called me a few minutes ago and told me to mail her her keys**

 

she said she was hapy with her new guy, and that she cares for him a lot and it didnt bother me anymore. she said she didnt want to mess up the thing that she's having with this guy right now, but will call me once in a while to check in and see how everything goes.

 

she also emphasized how mad she is at me. she's even more mad at me than towards her father. It makes me wonder if what her relationship is with this guy if she still has residual feelings (no matter how negative it is) towards me.

 

I explained to her I understand completely where and what she wants. I told her, I'm happy for her, and that was the important thing. I also told her I've let go of her, and how things have been. I apologized again, and explained to her how much ive changed, even how sincere i was about wishing her hapiness. she sounded like she was hesitant, like aloof. she said "i dont want to be in a relationship with you anymore" and I said "i'm fine with that." I told her that "ive matured, and part of it is letting go of the things, like being mad at you". there were a lot of things that ive said, but it all meant that I have changed, that I was happy with my career, that I knew where i did wrong and that I cared for her enough to look into myself and really, sincerely change... which is what i've really been doing. She made it a point I knew about the other guy, I told her just be happy. She tried to tell me i was wrong for a lot of things, and I told her I acknowledge it and for whatever it was worth, I was sorry. But I didnt plead, didnt beg, didnt show that her being with another man bothered me anymore, like I did change and that I did respect her decision. i told her that as well. that i respected her. I went as far as agreeing with her about the break up when she said, she was peeved off enough to break up with me when she did, and told her "from the anger that you had, i wish we had broken up even earlier than that, or better yet, worked on it. stuff like that. she said "hopefully I wont commit the same mistakes I made when I was with her"

 

i said i was happy for her...

 

wanting her back, yes. But not right now. I dont know if i did the right thing or said the right words. maybe i wont even have her back anymore. I dont know

 

wanting to move on, yes. I need to. There maybe someone else who can love me the way I need to be loved.

 

not knowing what to do? not knowing what to say? not knowing where life would take me, or who He would have for me? priceless.

[DG9]

this may not be advice... but im going through NC (3 months for tom) and when i read ur first post i was HOPING against hope that it was my Ex who was anonymously writing that...

 

if u really love someone then pride shouldnt be an issue (unless ur absolutely sure its not goign to work) if there the slightest chance... go for it... its not like ur going to break ur bones by calling her...

 

damn i STILL wish this is my Ex

[DG9]

oops sorry i didnt read the last post... my bad!

 

if she has found someone just try ur best to move on... trust me things WILL get better

[sfindependent]

DG9,

 

lol, I know, i also have this big fear that my ex would be reading my posts. How sad and lonely I would seem! But on the brighter side, she would see how much internalization and change I've put myself to.

 

all i said was, I wish you the best of luck, and maybe someday we can become closer.

 

I should be mad, I should be steaming, I should be feeling a lot of things right now, from what has happened between us, but for some strange reason, I'm not. I love her. That's it. Wherever she is, and whoever she's with doesn't change the fact that what I felt for her was true. I just don't want it to be thrown in my face, or see her with that person, I do have feelings too.

 

I told her, "be mad at me, take your time, I respect that. But I dont deserve the anger and the hate you have for me right now".

 

She told me "we can't be friends right now, I have that much anger towards you, and I dont want to mess up what I have with *****"

 

I told her I understand, and I told her "I'll keep my promise and always be by your side, no matter how far I am from you"

 

I don't know if those were good things to say, opinions?

[sfindependent]

thanks Ellie,

 

I've thought about what you said and the effects of what happened when I broke my NC.

 

On a side note, she contacted me 1st, when she emailed me. I wonder as well, since last saturday, I went out with a group of people to a show (which she didnt attend) and a few people whom we both considered as mutual friends, whom she hangs out with now, saw me with a cute blonde haired girl being all sweet and stuff if it had anything to do with her contacting me.

 

so I went out the 28th with a girl whom i brought to a show and her current interest and their friends were their as well. Come to find out from her, she hung out with them AFTER the show. she said the people told her I was with a girl...

 

fast forward the 1st, she emails me about her car keys and gave some excuse that she wanted them becuase she wanted a spare key in case anything happens to her keys (her bag got stolen two weeks ago she said). I didnt get the email from her till the 4th so i decided to call her instead. One of the first things she said to me was "I heard you were with your girlfriend last saturday"

 

She scoffed at me too, when I told her who I was with, and said "after the trash talking you've said to me about her, and the issues we had with her, i can't believe and its really funny, how you run off to her like that" to which i said "I've changed, she's changed. And she has been a really good friend to me". She replied with "Knowing you, its not surprising if you guys are together now", and I said no, but it doesn't matter anymore. you won't believe me anyway" to which she said "you're like the boy who cried wolf, you're lie and you manipulate, and that's one of the reasons why I'm so mad at you" and I said "that's fair, I admit that, and the whole break up thing with you has made me realize how I affect other people, especially people who really care about, so I'm really digging deep and changing it".

 

I knew she was upset with me already, but didnt know how much.

 

I have let her go. I was surprised, my friends were surprised, and I wouldn't be surprised if it caught her off guard as well, when I said, as long as you're happy, i respect that. She gave me one of those aloof "ok" answers where she wasn't buying what i said. But it didnt matter. My apology and my explanation to her didnt matter to her anymore (from what she said to me in the same convo)but I told her it mattered to me, becuase I was sincere, genuine with how I felt and what I said, although I still felt the pang of rejection once more when I uttered those words. I do love her yes, but I've let her go. I have no intention of contacting her anymore, not until I am fully over the feelings and the hurt I've felt.

 

I told her as well (in a non confrontational, non aggressive, and very calm voice) that I was "done with it" that I didnt want it anymore. I just want things to be ok, and i respect however time she needs to have in order for us to be friends in the future.

 

To be honest, I am hurt, but not as much as I should, or would have been a few months back, when she finally admitted that she cares for the new man now and that she doesn't want to mess things up with him. I calmly told her I understand and that I supported her and that i truly cared for her and that i was sorry it didnt work out between us. I even told her, my heart was in the right place, but my foot was often in my mouth. I owned up to the faults I made, and told her I have changed a lot, matured and grown to accept the mistakes I have as a human being. She still had a lot of spite towards me, but its not like I care too much about it, or simply don't at all. I do, but i know I can't change it anymore. Only she can. And I told her i'd be happy to meet her half way, or even BE THERE for her as a friend or more when she finally forgives me and moves on from it.

 

Because of this conversation I had with her, i finally have the motivation and a clearer picture of what i want to do with MY life. It feels like a veil has been lifted up and the blinders that kept me so focused on her has been lifted. Sure, I woke up today feeling nostalgic, missing her and wishing I could chew the other man's arm off, but hey. I love her. She would never know how much, but if there's any proof of that, its my motivation to make a better person of myself to prepare myself for someone who i would meet and love again the way (or even more) than I did my first true love.

[sfindependent]

its getting cold, Elie,

 

SF is beautiful this time a year! perfect for couples and all that... lol...

 

thanks for the uplifting words. I do feel a little bit hungover still, like a child who was silenced by a mom, but still have a lot to say. In the end, yes, i do want her back, but I've realized, whatever I was doing (begging, pleading, aggravatiing) and whoever I was (manipulative, lying, arrogant, selfish) werent going to take me anywhere, not with her, nor with anyone else I meet along the way. i love her, i love her, i love her. No matter what hurt Ive felt, no matter what wrong she's done, it doesnt take away the fact I will forgive her (and have forgiven her) for it. I need to get better, I need to focus on myself. I need to be the best that i can be before I focus on whoever I want to be with. Who knows, maybe because of this, my future woman would love me even more for who i've become... or better yet, who knows, maybe once a year or more have passed, when all the negative emotions can be set aside and past experiences have been learned from and is visibly obvious, maybe her and i can give it one more go. who knows, I might not even be interested in her after so long.

 

I'm going to try to avoid contact as much as possible. I dont want to see her at the shows and all that so that's part of my life I have to sacrifice in order for me to get better.

 

I mentioned to her all that I've said in my prevous posts (if not most of it) in this thread, and she seemed like she wasnt really accepting of my apologies,my explanation and my personal growth.

 

anyone think i've said the right things to her?

 

regardless of those things ive said tho, I backed them up with "it might not matter to you, but my sincerity and my honesty is what matter's to ME."

 

**now don't get me wrong, yes i'm hopeful but also realistic. so hoping for reconciliation isnt what I'm focusing my NC on. its what i said to her, and its what i will stand by: I need to become a better person**

 

oh and uhm... any ideas or comments on why she would contact me after one month of NC asking for a set of keys she can obviously just have copied herself in a local hardware store, if she really wanted to? think that its to confirm with me who i was with and all that?

[sfindependent]

its cool, yet disheartening at the same time. The love of your life, being swept away in someone else's arms. But its a good feeling that you have your eyes opened to WHO YOU really are, and what good things can come for you after you have seen the misery of a man you were when you broke up and what a piece of work you were for the love of your life to have left you like that. There was a reason they left. do you want the next person to have the same reason as the last to say the same things the other said to you? i don't think so. The person who left me before the latest ex said some of the same things my current ex said about me, and after two people said that to me, it took a lot of thinking and admittance to say, "maybe it wasn't them". now where am I? i am feeling a lot better, and i'm talking to one of my ex's again, the one before this one, and she said "I trust you a lot more now".

 

could it be pay off to my actual REAL change? could it be becuase we've both matured and now could live beyond the past and admit we weren't ready before? maybe. What matters is that someone who was in the same position as my latest love, a person from my past, sees the big change in me. Hopefully, ellie, that she (this latest one) will be ready to see, and look at the change ive done.

 

who doesnt have residual feelings for the ex? who doesnt look back at all to people whom they were with and just think about them? I dont think no one has, especially if you truly, really, honestly loved them. they would be in your hearts, a failed relationship, an untimely death in the form of a break up or divorce rattles our very being, and for my case, it rattled my very core. it was enough for my eyes to roll behind their sockets and look inwards instead of the usual, "im going to replace you" with someone better... so what if i find someone better? so what if i can replace that person? for sure, somewhere along the way, if i really didnt look into who i really am and how i affect other people, then no matter how great the next relationship will be, it will still end up with the same results: a shell of a man wondering when MY turn for true love will come.

 

bottomline: I love her. I wish our break up never happened. I wish I can still prove to her who i am. I changed. I really did. for her and for the next honey who would pour some sugar on me.....

 

you know what, to a certain extent.ITS NOT REALLY THEM.... ITS REALLY YOU.

 

** not to presson it, but do u agree that there was something more to her email about her keys that exists? i mean, it might have just been a coincidence but 3 days after people reported to her that I was with a girl in a club she contacts me after a month of NC