Damaging and malicious rumours - desperately need help!

[LosingIt]

I don't know what to do. My cousin has started spreading malicious rumours about me having an affair with one of her fiances friends. This guy is married with a baby on the way and what she's saying could damage his marriage and a lot of friendships. My cousin and her fiance are in the same circle of friends as this guy and the rumours are being spread amongst his circle of friends. These are people who know his wife well. First thing's first - I'm not having an affair with him. Secondly - I think these rumours have started because they saw his car out the front of my place one night and they have jumped to conclusions. Not many people know that we are good friends and I'm worried about him. Even though he's unhappily married, I still don't want these lies and rumours to go any further and hurt people. She's already tarnished my name and I haven't even done anything wrong. He is incredibly stressed and I don't know how to handle this. I feel sick for him and I hate her and her fiance for doing this.

 

How on earth do I handle this? What should he do? My cousin isn't aware that I know about these rumours. My friend emailed me yesterday because he was deeply concerned about this rumour being spread about us and I think she's banking on him telling me and then putting 2 and 2 together. This is so bad. I always thought I was close to my cousin and that her fiance was close to this guy, but clearly not. With the 2 of them telling everyone we're having an affair, it's going to be nearly impossible for anyone to believe that we're not. People are going to think, "why would her cousin spread rumours if it's not true". His car was at my place. So what? Nothing is going on! She's a nasty, malicious little piece of work. They were even toying with him at a party on the weekend, * * * * *ing about me to get a reaction from him and egging him on.

 

I feel like I'm losing my mind and I'm terrified for him. This could be incredibly damaging to him, his wife and his friendships. What if no one believes us? What if this rumour gets back to his wife and he loses everything?

[chai714]

One way to diffuse a rumor is to exagerrate it. Tell anyone who asks that yes, you're having an affair and getting married soon, but after the house you two are building in the Florida Keys is complete.

[LosingIt]

I never thought of that. That might be a good idea.

 

I just can't believe they're doing this. Why? What purpose does it serve? What if they were to turn around and tell everybody that they saw his car at my place? Even though it was totally innocent, they'll turn it into something that it's absolutely not.

 

It's their maliciousness that bothers me, I don't understand it. I can't understand why people would play with fire like that and potentially damage someone's life so badly. She's already lost me as a cousin. She's a vicious, nasty piece of work and I'm so angry.

 

My initial thoughts were, "just ignore it", but I'm worried that in the eyes of people that might make us look guilty. Should I confront my cousin? Because again, I'm worried that she'll know that I found out from him and twist it.

[chai714]

Just know that you can't control what others people say. Only thing you can control is your reaction. Your reaction can influence their behavior too.

[Augusteen]

Just playing devil's advocate for a sec here but...maybe your cousin doesn't think it's malicious on her part.

 

Affairs are a very touchy subject and often elicit knee jerk reactions from people. It's possible she feels it's her 'moral obligation' to inform people of her 'horrible actions'. Now I'm not saying it's right, especially in your situation where she's gotten the wrong idea, but if it were you would you not at least be tempted to talk about it with others? Especially if you were close to both parties? For all you know, it could have been a horrible game of telephone gone wrong. She told one person, who told another, who told six people...who all have it wrong.

 

I think chai's solution is clever...but I don't know if it'll work. Poeple just might think you're being silly if you exagerrate on such a sensitive subject. It may require a more serious degree of delicacy.

 

I think your best solution is to contact your cousin and ask what's up. Set things straight. Don't get angry. Just let her know that you heard down the grapevine that someone was going around spreading rumours about you and you were wondering if she knew anything about it. Convey to her that you think the rumour is ridiculous but that you feel it tarnishes your reputation. I'd try to get her on my side to see things my way. Afterall, it's your version of the truth that's the right one isn't it? Convince her that it is.

 

Now I don't know your cousin so I don't know if that approach will work on her. But I say take it into consideration.

 

I've never been in a situation like this before (well, not now that I'm out of highschool) but I do sympathise with you. I can't imagine how unjust it must feel to have someone falsly accuse you of something like this.

 

But remember, if you're telling the truth then it's that simple. Nothing to hide, nothing to be ashamed of. If you act like you have the confidence, then people shouldn't doubt your version of things.