Not fun anymore

[sunshine13]

I am just feeling the need to vent today. I have not spoken to the ex since we broke up. All of my attemps failed miserably so I just gave up and have not contacted him in 12 days. I have been going to the gym and hanging out with my friends. Going away on weekends. . . . I am not sure if I am setting my expectations of feeling better and meeting someone new WAY to high or things just aren't as fun as they used to be. I went to the Ohio State game which should have been a blast. #1 ranked college team in the Nation. . . and I am miserable???!!!!! I went away for the weekend with a bunch of friends to party for Halloween weekend. . . I didn't realize until I got there that all of my friends are a couple. They cuddled and bickered all weekend. Everyone had someone but me. I am not sure why my friends even invited me but this should have been a lot of fun as well. Usually hanging out with other couples don't bother me and I can have a good time. This was terrible!! I walked around the bars by myself for most of the time depressed and miserable!!! This was a Halloween party. . everyone is smiling and dressed up and having fun and I am in tears missing my ex. Thank God I did not carry my phone with me I am sure I would have done something really dumb!!!! It just seems as if nothing I do is fun anymore. I don't know if it is b/c I miss my ex so much. . . if I miss being in a relationship. . . the fact that all of my friends are in serious relationships. . . Am I too old to hang out in a bar? I can't figure it out. All I was thinking this weekend is how I wished that I was with him and just renting a movie or relaxing. I can't sit home and do that by myself b/c I can't be in the house all miserable. I don't want to go out with my friends anymore b/c they are all happy and don't leave their significant others sides. It makes me miserable!!!! I don't have one single friend who can just go out to a movie or a few drinks and have fun. I am starting to get real depressed from it. Any suggestions?

[Vynde]

Sunshine,

 

Im in the same boat, its not easy - Most of my good friends are married, and some even have really cute kids, so when I go over there, not only to I feel like "Old uncle Buck" I look at them and miss what i thought I was going to have with my ex..

 

It hard.. I know. I think you are very early into this and that your not giving yourself time. I think you mentioned its been only 12 days of NC.. Well thats really not a long time. Its normal to feel the way you do, and seeing your friends ( happy in love friends ) will do it evertime.

 

Keep up the NC, talk to people (anyone) fill your day with things to keep you busy, I know its not much, but there is no magic pill to get us past this ( believe me, I have been looking )!

 

Hang in - Wish I could give more tips.

 

John

[JoeWho]

I know exactly how you feel. Being around all couples when you are now single is pretty depressing. All my good friends are in relationships and even my not so good friends who were always single are now in relationships (go figure) so I too have not one person to go out and hit the town with. So most of the time I just either stay home with my dog or hang out with my friends who are in relationships. It does get better though. I am definatley better now than 2 months ago.

[sunshine13]

Thanks John.

No. . . It hasn't been a real long time since we broke up. We were together on and off for 4 years and we have been broken up for about a month and 1/2. I have no reason not to keep the NC thing going. He has refused to speak to me since the night we broke up. There is no use for me to bother him anymore. So what do we do since everyone around us is in a relationship? It is not fun to hang around with them anymore? Of course I don't want to lose my girlfriends. Maybe it is selfish of me to want them to take time away from their own relationships and do things with me. . I don't want a pity party. I just want to have someone to hang out with who isn't "making out" with their boyfriend and telling him how much he loves him right in front of me - at the bar -. I also don't want to sit at home on the weekends.

[sunshine13]

Joewho,

Thank you for the encouragement. I don't even like hanging out with them anymore. It is not only depressing b/c they have someone but it is frustrating and annoying that my girlfriends cannot even go to the bathroom without their significant other walking them there. I didn't have that type of relationship with my ex so I don't even understand that. We didn't sit around in groups of people and cuddle with each other. I have the similar situation where some of my girlfriends could not keep a boyfriend if they tried. They would go through men all of the time and now they have found the "one". . . it is hard.

[Vynde]

So what do we do since everyone around us is in a relationship?

 

Not much we can really do, unless you want to buy a ticket to New York and hang with me, we can be be misrable together

 

Kidding aside, I find that even hanging with them ( the married/happy people) is better than being alone in my appartment. Doing that also opens the doors and gives us the chance of meeting NEW people. Im not saying even for dating purposes, but just the chance to make new friends. I find that to be exciting. You never know who you might meet..

 

I find the reson why I feel so bad, and maybe this goes for you too, is because our brains are so used to being with our Ex. We have built up extramly large connections with them.. Its a matter of breaking those connections that takes so long and is so painful.

 

Keep up NC - Meet new poeple, keep your mind busy!

 

and if you do come to NY.. lol let me know

 

Be well

 

John

[bella321]

Hi Sunshine... good thinking not bringing your phone out when you are drinking! It's only been 12 days since your split so don't be so hard on yourself! These things definitely take time. Also, you picked two high stress activities to do on your first two weekends after the break up (loud crowded football game and weekend away). I went to two consecutive weddings after mine a month ago... which wasn't much better. I agree, that it's tough to be single when everyone else seems to be coupled up but there are PLENTY of single people out there. If you really have no close single friends, keep your options open. There might be a girl your age at work who would want to grab a drink with you. Also, it's great that you've been going to the gym to keep busy. Maybe you might want to look into a class or volunteer work that would help you to improve yourself while interacting with other people. Also, your friends are your friends, coupled up or not. I'm sure if you spoke to them honestly about your feelings they would definitely be able to spend one evening away from their boyfriend or husband to have dinner or see a movie with you! Having the support of your friends is so important to making a recovery and I'm sure they want to be there for you! Also, the Gregg Behrendt Book, It's called a break up because it's broken, was really helpful for me... you might want to look into it! Good luck and keep up the good work! I know you will get through this!

[sunshine13]

I guess I am just frustrated with it. I am very eager to go out and have fun and meet new people b/c I don't want to be sad or angry anymore. I am trying to push my way through this. I have had no contact for 12 days but we have been broken up for a month and 1/2!!! I just don't want to think about it anymore!!!! I want to have some fun!!! I have tried to talk to my girlfriends about it and I get the same excuses every time. I have wedding this or that. Me and so and so have dinner with his parents. We are going on a "date" night. My girlfriends do not do ANYTHING without their significant others. I would like to think that my brain just isn't adjusted. That would be a very good excuse for feeling like this so long after the break up. But I was not with my ex all of the time. We lived 2 hours away from each other. I saw him usually Friday to Monday. But during the week we were apart. He broke up with me every 6 months for 4 years. . . . I SHOULD be adjusting very well.

Vynde. . . . I will let you know when I come to NY. I have actually never been there. Maybe for New Years! I will not want to be stuck here.

[Vynde]

omg.. New Years.. dont remind me

[sunshine13]

I am soooooo sorry!!!!! I didn't mean to make you feel bad!!!!

I will be looking forward to it. (here i go again with the high expectations). It is the perfect day to ***start all over*** and move on. I will probably be going out with all of my friends and their husbands, fiances and boyfriends if you want to join us.

[Dako]

It takes time, not magic, to get through this misery.

Going to bars alone might be depressing, but parks, libraries, museums and cafes can give you a touch of a public life where you may end up chatting with other people. Not potential mates but kids, old folks, dogs, ice cream vendors, anyone at all to reaffirm life's a good concept.

 

I think heartbreak makes us pine for the past or long for a future relationship we aren't ready for, even if a potential partner was within reach. It's a long process, but in the end you'll be more in tune with yourself and what you want.

[sunshine13]

AGGHHHHH!!! Sorry. I had to scream. I know it takes time. I just don't want to spend any more time on this. I really don't. I don't want to even think about him!!! I want to be over it. . . and happy. I would like to be able to take my cell phone to the bar. I still do the other things. I go to the gym, I go to borders and have coffee and read magazines. I go out to lunch with co-workers downtown every day. Parks are kind of out of the question right now b/c it is about 35 degrees outside. I have done everything "by the books" from day one of the break up . . . other than the fact that I emailed him once a week for the first couple weeks until I realized that was useless. Really. . to be able to wake up and have one full day of not thinking about him and going out and having fun without thinking who he is dating now or if he misses me. . . I would be the happiest person in the world. It has been long enough. I want to move on and be done with this.

[bella321]

ugh New Years in NYC is the worst.... I hate crowds... can you tell? Sunshine, I can't believe your friends are acting like that. Not to sound bitter, but their lives may not be perfect and full of romance forever. Do you live in a city or close to one? Maybe you can try a winetasting class or join a book club... I think you definitely need to get some new, fresh people in your life!

[sunshine13]

Funny that you say that. I hear that from people all of the time that I need new friends!! Yeah. . they are like that. It sucks and it hurts. I work downtown. . . and live in a suburb of downtown. I guess there are things I can do other than going to the bars. I just don't have a lot of time on my hands to go out and do those things. I work late almost every night. I could do that on the weekends but I really wouldn't even know where to start. I don't have many interests. I play in a co-ed flag football league on Saturdays and I go to the gym during the week. I LOVE crowds! I love noise and people around me.