I told her how I felt...now what?

[MizzouFan1985]

I told her how I felt...now what?

 

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Long story short - I have been close friends with a girl for about six months. I grew to develop boyfriend-girlfriend feelings toward her, and finally got the courage to tell her how I felt. She just recently got out of a long-term relationship with a boyfriend (with him about a year) and has not been without a boyfriend for a significant period of time for a long time. Anyway, she said it was not the right time, and that she was not interested in getting into a relationship with anybody now. Essentially, she wants to be on her own for a while and learn what she wants to do with her life (we are both in our early 20s). She said she would not shut the door on something happening down the road however, and she did not seem uncomfortable talking about the situation (like uninterested girls might).

 

After looking at these message boards, I am a little disheartened. It seems like everyone here thinks that this type of response means that she is just feeding me a line, that I am and always will be a friend, that she will never be interested, that I need to get away from her, etc.

 

What are people's opinions on this? Do you think it is possible that she is really just telling me the truth?

 

Also, what are your recommendations on how best to handle the situation going forward?

 

I can answer questions if you need more details.

[zrehman]

Hey, well this is what I think. I don't think that her wanting time alone right now is a "nice" way to shrug you off at all. I honestly think that she probably just needs and wants some time alone for herself to think about herself for once.

 

If you really are interested in this girl, personally, I would be JUST FRIENDS with her. If you give her time, she will realize what a great guy you are, and how you did not rush her into anything and that you have always been by her side through her depression with her ex.

 

However, she could get back into a realtionship with her ex, that is something you have no control over. But I personally think, you should put your feelings aside of wanting to be with her and just go with the flow and be their for her and help her get through this.

[KileOriginal]

I dissagree.

If you wait around there's a good chance that she will only see you as a friend. And you having the feelings you do will be drivin nuts but this.

 

Get away.

 

As hard as it is, don't hang around her. Be nice and friendly, and if she comes to you for support don't be ashamed to give it, but don't hang around. Don't 'avoid' her, just don't hang around or make yourself available all the time.

 

She won't forget that you told her all these feelings, and who knows, if after a few months on her own she might start to wonder where you went.

 

But whatever you do, don't hang around. GO! Be yourself, develop your independent self or find other people to share your life with, but don't let yourself fall into this trap.

 

You hang around, at best she will see you as a friend. And by friend I mean she will see you as some one she likes and trusts, but does not feeling any kind of intimate feelings towards. You don't want that.

 

Go away, and chances are at some point she will start to think about you. It just might take a really long time, and by then you may just as well be in a relationship of your own.

 

But believe me, if you really like this girl, don't hang around. Don't. I'm really serious with all the heartfelt honesty in the world. Don't.

[heloladies21]

After looking at these message boards, I am a little disheartened. It seems like everyone here thinks that this type of response means that she is just feeding me a line, that I am and always will be a friend, that she will never be interested, that I need to get away from her, etc.

One good thing here, you're a bright kid and you pick this stuff up quick.

 

All of the above advice is true and it has been proven time and time again that this backdoor "friends" route will at best lead to a friends with benefits situation, but never into a serious relationship. I've never seen it happen.

 

It sets a bad precedent to be friends first like you have, there's always gonna be questions in her mind about why you didn't express your interest in her sooner (indecisive, low self confidence, no guts, maybe not all that serious about her, hides your true feelings--all bad traits which push women away, especially the last one). That's why it's best not to hold any feelings back and go full force. If she's into it, great. If not, then you'll know you need to work on your abilities on attracting and getting women, and you won't waste your time on something where the odds are so much stacked in your favor. Also you won't be stressing over some chick who has her heart tied up and is not 100% serious about you. This would prevent you from concentrating on finding someone else.

 

So you let her know how you feel. She let you know right back (which was a BS excuse obviously, she's very ready for another man and just didn't want to hurt your feelings because she decided it isn't you). Everything's been said. If she changes her mind, then she'll be sure to let you know, but staying her friend will not make her your gf. Only bring you pain and waste your time.

[Haven]

Anyway, she said it was not the right time, and that she was not interested in getting into a relationship with anybody now. Essentially, she wants to be on her own for a while and learn what she wants to do with her life (we are both in our early 20s). She said she would not shut the door on something happening down the road however, and she did not seem uncomfortable talking about the situation (like uninterested girls might).

I got that exact excuse from a guy when he was breaking up with me (after only a week). He said he had decided that he wasn't interested in a relationship with anyone at that time, but that he was open to something later on. Four days later, he was on a date with another girl.

 

So, theoretically, you could sit around waiting for her. You could waste your time hanging around until she becomes interested in a relationship with you. Just be aware that the possibility is very real that she will end up dating someone who is not you.

[MizzouFan1985]

One thing I neglected to mention, that might impact your thinking, is that we are coworkers as well.

[heloladies21]

No big deal, just keep things all work related. Don't talk about your personal lives.

[dstanzler]

I always hook up with my co-workers. I know the aggressive despair of breaking up with a psycho co-worker too. While I would have handled the situation differenly, keep this in mind:

 

she just lost her boyfriend and shes going to want sex/new relashionship soon enough. Her interest in you will grow gradually and it may even turn into a relashionship. Give it time... or you could just shove her into a wall and make out with her.

[MizzouFan1985]

We have a problem. Now it seems like she is avoiding me, except for strictly professional situations. Obviously, she was not uncomfortable when I told her, but she is now. Is this to be expected?

[heloladies21]

What's the problem? She's outta your life and now you don't have to deal with her. This is what you want.

[Dating Coach]

Mizzoufan (I'm a Mizzou fan too!) Heloladies is right, she's giving you an excuse. There is nothing more for you to do with her except move on and keep your dealings at a "business only" level. No more discussing anything else.

 

I want to add that you never "confess" your feelings. Aside from the fact that the backdoor "friends approach" is a bad one, and that you should have asked her out on a date the moment you saw that she may have potential, you do not confess your feelings. Confessing your feelings shows a lack of self control, it shows a lack of honesty since you hid your feelings, it takes away every sense of challenge since you basically throw yourself at them, and worst of all, it causes DRAMA.

 

Your best course of action (besides taking action earlier) wouldn't have been to confess, it would have been to show you are interested through ACTIONS. You don't need to tell her how you think about her, how she's the best thing since sliced bread, how your heart flutters when she's around... that's just too much to tell someone who may or may not be interested back. Instead you simply ask them out on a date. You ask them out on a date and that action alone tells them that you are thinking about this as a potential relationship. That's all you need to do.

 

If you would have done that instead of confessing your feelings then you could have avoided all of the drama. Now she avoids you because she feels awkward. She's been hanging out with this guy who's been secretly crushing on her behind her back and has finally told her just how much he likes her. Now every time she see's you you're that guy who likes her a whole lot. That makes it awkward and is too much drama. If you had simply said, "Hey Becky, I want to take you out as my date to this _________ thing that's going on Thursday Night. It's going to be a blast! But you'd better show up looking pretty... I don't want people think I'll date just anybody... ha ha!" then she knows you are thinking of this as possible "date" terms and if she wasn't interested she could simply decline. Now instead of being that guy who's crushing on her, you simply are a guy who asked her out one night. If she declined and you shrugged your shoulders then it appears as no more than a passing thought. MUCH less drama.

[MizzouFan1985]

Well, things have seemed to stabilize a bit. She is acting more friendly toward me, but we are no longer discussing personal matters (hers or mine). I think this is a happy medium for as long as we work together, keeping a certain distance.

[MizzouFan1985]

Now I am getting really confused...she has rebounded and started to get close again, and she gave me a Christmas present yesterday at work (while I didn't get her anything, because I didn't expect anything). On the flip side, she still doesn't seem comfortable with the idea of doing things together outside of work. She continues to say that she does not want to be in a relationship with anyone, and she says she has not dated...any comments?For what it's worth, one of my guy friends told me he thought she was putting up a boundary because if we did things together during non-work time, it could lead somewhere she is not ready to go yet.