A long, strange story.

[coconut]

Well, this might end up being a very, very long story. Muchos apologies in advance...I'll try to keep it short....

 

- First boyfriend at age 14-15: "Mark" Two years older. I was young and stupid, didn't realize how horrible a person he was until a few months in. Manipulative bastard, attempted to control me and isolate me from friends and family. Threatened to hurt male friends he percieved as "making moves" on me. Told me that my close and warm relationship with my parents wasn't normal. Threatened to kill himself if I left him. Insulted me loudly, often in public, then tended to storm off. When he'd come back, he'd act like nothing had happened, and get mad if I refused to let it go. I began to wonder if I really was some intolerable * * * * *, or just crazy. He eventually sexually abused me, refusing to drive me home one night until I let him do certain things to me. When I finally broke up with him, he tried to win me back for a few weeks, then moved on to sexually harassing me and my friend. When I reported it to school administrators, he began following me home and hanging around my house almost every day. I feared for my safety. When I was about to seek a restraining order, he stopped stalking me.

 

- Second boyfriend at 15: "Red" Smart, funny, didn't seem to have a malicious bone in his body. After the horrible relationship I'd just escaped from, he seemed heavensent. For two months, we had a happy, if nameless, relationship. After a while, I wanted to know if we had any sort of committment. I wanted to voice that to him and ask him for that honor, but things seemed to be petering out. He stopped returning most of my phone calls, cancelled all our plans, and didn't seem to take as much of an interest in me as he did before. It was all pretty abrupt, but I was slowly getting the idea. Still, he'd occasionally pop in and say something to bring my hope up, before crushing me again later. Finally, he told me that he didn't plan to date me anymore. I kind of already knew, but it still hurt.

 

- A month later: Started getting cozy with a friend "Luke" who'd supported me through my relationships with Mark and Red. Just as we were beginning to acknowledge the chemistry between us, Red came back from vacation, saying he missed me and had been thinking about what he'd left when he left me. I got hesitant about proceeding with Luke because I still had feelings for Red. Luke moved onto a different girl, but realizing I might have another chance with Red, it didn't bother me much. (Stupid me!)

 

- 2 Months later: Red and I started dating again. My feelings for him were stronger than ever before, but he purposely kept me in the dark about his feelings for me and where we stood. Another boy started showing interest in me. I didn't return it, but it bothered Red enough that he asked me to remind the boy that I had a boyfriend. "Well, are you my boyfriend?" I asked him. "I guess," he replied, laughing. Three days later, Red says he "can't take it anymore" and breaks up with me. I'm devastated. Throughout the rest of the year, whenever it seemed like I had a chance to start over with someone new, Red would call me up and charm me. It was never enough to give me a real hope of reunition, but enough to make me lose interest in whoever I had a chance with at the moment. Red and I had a few more dates in the summer. I didn't think it was going to lead to anything serious, but again, he refused to tell me one way or the other. I hoped. I got let down. I wasn't surprised.

 

- Fall: Met someone new, "Earl," a friend of a friend and an aquaintance of Red's. Earl never had a girlfriend, never kissed a girl. He was so adorable and awkward, there was no way I could refuse him if he'd just ask me out. When he finally did, I was so excited. Then, just a few hours before I left to meet him, Red instant messaged me. Somehow, he'd found out that I had a date with this guy, who Red sort of knew. He asked me a bunch of questions about him, which I refused to answer.

 

I went on my date. I liked him a lot, but something felt weird. The entire time, I was fluctuating between wanting to get closer to him and wanting to hold him at arm's length. At the end of the night, he put his arm around me and I felt a thrill of butterflies in my stomach, but also unbearable discomfort. I'd never been so ambivalent in my life. I didn't let him know, though, and word got out around the school that we were a couple now. I wanted to officially date him eventually, but it was too soon, and I got pressured by our friends into making the leap before I was ready. The ambivalence never really went away. I changed my mind about him every 20 minutes and struggled not to let him know.

 

When we progressed to physical and sexual activities, I was unable to really get into it. He was never the wiser, but I felt so disconnected from everything when we were together. I was physically there, but my mind, my SELF seemed gone. I didn't feel anything inside. I made excuses to cut activities short. I started treating Earl sort of badly. We'd always engaged in self-depricating and playful insults, but after a while, I felt like I was beating down too hard on him, and I knew it. After about two months of dating, we got bored of each other and stopped dating.

 

And there ended my last real relationship, two years ago. A year ago, I hooked up with a friend and co-worker because we'd hung out all summer and when I found out he liked me, I didn't want anyone to call me a tease. I didn't really like him much, and experienced even less feeling during intimacy than I did with Earl.

 

 

 

Today, I find both physical and emotional intimacy extremely uncomfortable. I can't even feel good about the idea of a relationship. I don't really feel anything anymore -- about people, or about things. This sounds more depressing than it actually is, but I've lost essentially all passion. I was a devoted artist and writer, but now can't seem to finish anything. I don't feel strongly about anything. I don't reach any extreme of any emotion -- positive or negative. I've shut down emotionally.

 

If I begin to experience any type of feelings for anyone, I automatically create reasons to push them away. And it works. Every time. I can't stop those defamatory thoughts from occurring to me, even when I acknowledge that I'm fabricating those intolerable flaws.

 

As for physical intimacy -- no. As soon as it even thinks about beginning. I just shut off. All remaining feelings, good or bad, disappear. I feign affection that I don't feel. I doubt anyone has ever been the wiser.

 

When I was hurting in my previous relationships, I wished I could shut off the feelings I had and kill the pain I always seemed to encounter. I sort of got my wish. I don't remember what pain is like, and whether the trade I made was fair. Maybe it was. I'ts been so long since I've felt hurt or lonely, or since I've felt love or affection. Is pain really that bad? Is love worth suffering for? I wish I knew.

 

I have so many questions....why didnt this happen right after Mark abused me? Why not after the first, or second time Red left me? Why has it only increasedf with the amount of time I spend single?

 

What I do know that either way, this probably isn't healthy. Since coming to college, I've met someone I connected with on a personal level, and I know he wants to pursue things. A mutual friend informed him, against my confidence, that I have "relationship issues," yet he still expresses interest. In a way, I'm curious to see if I can attempt it. If he understands that I have "issues," I figure, I can probably get away with walking out on the experiment whenever I want. But the truth is, I know someone stands to get hurt this way. I'm sort of messing with his head as it is now, and as curious as I am, I don't think my little experiment is worth hurting him for. I also think that I stand to lose something from this -- if I jump and I'm not able to fly, I'll just break myself a little more on my way down.

 

I have begun to look into the counseling my school offers. But I'm not sure what anyone can do to help me...How does one go about sorting these issues out? Does anyone share a sensation, an issue like this? Can I be normal again? And -- I think this scares me more than most of the other questions -- do I want to go back to being "normal"? So many times I prayed to feel no pain. Here I am now, no pain, no gain. My self-destructive urges have disappeared as a result, but I remain unfeeling and maybe unfulfilled? I don't know if this is the better way to be, or if the potential gains really do outweigh the protection of the walls I've built around me. Meanwhile, the pressure is on me. I think I might begin to feel all this stress soon. I need to make a choice about the direction I'm going to move in, soon.

 

Thank you so much, anyone who's read this far. If anyone has a similar experience, anything to say, any input at all -- please let me know. It's been extremely hard to open up to anyone these past few years, but it's getting just a little easier every time, and maybe the anonymity of the internet helps. Again, thanks for reading.

[caro33]

Would love to say something that could directly help you, but I haven't had your experiences and wouldn't presume to know. I certainly had my share of dodgy boyfriend experiences when I was around your age though, and I can understand the feeling of isolation and 'flatness' about being with people.

 

Having said that though, you sound like a bright and self-aware person, so first off, have some faith girl. You are going through a life stage, it will pass. You will move on to better and more considerate people to date, when you're ready. Perhaps you are really just not ready though, and that's fine!

 

If you can access counselling I say yes, go for it, give it a go. Perhaps you are a little depressed, a counsellor can help you understand if that's the case, and help you with new strategies to help you with that; to feel better about things AND feel 'more'. You may have unresolved issues to deal with from your awful experience with Mark, and your challenging time with Red. This stuff is difficult to deal even if you've had heaps of relationship experience, I can imagine it must be particularly scarring when it's your first experience(s).

 

This is a difficult time in life, because you're dealing with other people finding their way as adults (and making mistakes) all the time, and dealing with their behavioural issues, all the while you're trying to work out who YOU are and what you need in life. I was in an emotionally painful zone myself for a long time, and lonely right up to when I was 19 or so. Some of us just make better adults that we do children or teenagers! You'll find your way, but no harm in the meantime speaking to a trained professional to get some advice that works RIGHT NOW for you.

[caro33]

And by the way (where are my manners) welcome to ENA coconut!

[BYOB]

Does that also concern friend relationships ?

 

Is there anything else going on in your life that might cause additionnal stress and cause that discomfort ?