What To Do?! Help!

[michr0]

Hi,

I currently have a really close friend. Shes Thai, with her parents being very traditional in their beliefs on relationships. I am white and Jewish, and am deeply affectionate for my friend. Supposedly, her parents wont let her date, although she has made an exception in the past for one of our friends - a girl. yea, my thai friend thinks (and might be?) she is a lesbian. she watches the L word and constantly refers to herself as an androgyne. I think that I am myself not 100% straight - i feel more like the pansexual attitude.

Ive told her how much I like her (i avoid "love" bc its too strong for never having had a relationship with her, although i like her up to that point of "love"), and supposedly, she likes me too. Im not sure exactly what I want, but i'd like to show my affections toward her and progress our friendship. the problem is that 1) she doesnt "do" relationships 2) she thinks/might be a lesbian 3) has thai roots that say no.

what should I do? i am being tormented by it. i see her everyday almost and I just need some help. she is hard to approach about this, bc she changes that topic often (i have tried several times).

any suggestions?

thanks!

MR

[caro33]

Hi there MR, are you a guy or a girl? That will make a difference to her availability to you for a start. I can't comment on the cultural difference, I imagine that might be a real factor. (& what about your own family/community's response to you being with a non-Jew?)

 

However, cultural issues aside, and even if you are the 'right' gender for her, my main thought here is that if you have obviously tried to have this conversation with her in the past, and she's changed the subject every time, you are being told. She's not interested in you like that. I would try and go easy on her and yourself for a while, and try and wean yourself off these feelings.

 

I know this might be hard though, so if you want closure (which is fair enough) and you feel that you could handle any rejection she might make and she could handle having to reject you (ie prepare for the worst case) then make time and ask her straight out. Obviously this is risky but also clearer to you. Depends on what sort of friendship you have.

[michr0]

hi caro33!

thanks for repsoning.

im a guy. the cultural difference onyl really matters in both of our respected parents views about relationships, views we kind of shrug off but still are inbred in us.

now, my question is this: (mainly because i dont want to face that maybe she isnt interested in me), is it possible that she just changes the subject because shes uncomfortable talking with me about it? i mean our mutual friends who know the situation have told me that she does like me a lot and doesnt want to lead me on in case of getting my hope up. do you think this could be a possibility?

our friendship is pretty comfortable and i do feel capable of asking straight out. i like that advise. maybe i can try and muster up the courage again to ask her (it took me so much just to tell her how i felt, because i didnt want to make things awkward between us. but it turned out to not be awkward at all).

thank you so much for helping me

MR

[caro33]

now, my question is this: (mainly because i dont want to face that maybe she isnt interested in me), is it possible that she just changes the subject because shes uncomfortable talking with me about it? i mean our mutual friends who know the situation have told me that she does like me a lot and doesnt want to lead me on in case of getting my hope up. do you think this could be a possibility?

 

I guess the issue is why is she uncomfortable talking to you about your feelings for her? And it depends what level of discomfort she appears to be showing. I have no idea really, but will give you an example from my own life.

 

I was always shy when starting relationships, and never took the first step. In fact I would just stare at the ground. Nerves! But that didn't mean I wasn't interested in the guy at all. The thing is, I clammed up. Didn't change the subject, just froze. So someone would be coming in for the kiss, or talking feelings, and I woud be like a zombie. Not very attractive or impressive I know, just shy.

 

When I HAVE been disinterested in a guy who is keen on me, I have been very good at been blase and not giving them the opportunity to get all mushy. I have dropped hints very clearly that I am interested in someone else so they got the clear impression they were 'friendzoned'. I have not been shy at all, definitely uncomfortable, but not shy. If I have had to have 'the talk' I have been clear about where I stand.

 

Now not everyone operates the same way obviously. But from what you've said, she has -

 

(a) Made it clear to you she is at least toying with the idea of becoming a lesbian. A lesbian. You are a man, which automatically disqualifies you. This sounds reasonably unambiguous, and if she was really keen on you she might have kept some of her confusion to herself until she was sure of her feelings about her own sexuality.

 

(b) She has told your mutual friends she doesn't want to lead you on in case it gets your hopes up. I'm not sure how this can be viewed in any way but negatively, insofar as you are wanting a romantic relationship with her. She is saying she likes you very much, but not in 'that way'.

 

I would really like to be able to recalibrate your story in order to give you news you want to hear, but it's a bit of a stretch. Look, I'm not there with you, and the subtle nuances of all the above might shift the equation more in your favour than would be apparent. You have no way of knowing unless you ask straight out. But please, don't expect 'good news'. If it turns out she's decided she's not gay, AND she's also into you, AND she's also ready to try a relationship, AND that's with you, AND the cultural factors aren't too much a problem, that's great. But it would seem unlikely!

 

Can you grab a quiet drink with her one day/evening to address it? My advice is to make this as easy for her as possible. Do NOT launch into YOUR feelings. Start off asking her about what she's been thinking recently about relationships, her sexuality, in 'safe' language that you guys already use to discuss this stuff. Give her the chance to say if she's come to any conclusions, it might save you exposing yourself unduly. If she says things like she's not sure, she's maybe not gay, things that indicate she might be available to you, that's perhaps your time to then take a moment and say that you've really valued your time together and you've been wondering where it would lead...Give her the chance to fill the gaps. And if she doesn't, your next step is to tell her her you feel...

 

Perhaps others have better advice, but I think something like the above approach should minimise the risk that it all goes pear-shaped. As long as you don't steamroll her with your feelings (which can feel really confronting if you're on the other end of it) and give her the opportunity to reject you gracefully and with no hard feelings, then I think your friendship should remain intact, and at least you'll be clearer.