baby only sleeps in swing and when held

[justpaisley]

Well, y'all, I done got myself in a right mess.

 

My son was born 3 months early and spent 2 months in the NICU. I basically had to ask permission to touch him, to hold him, to comfort him, to change his diaper, to feed him; basically, to mother him. Naturally, I've spent many an hour since he got home snuggling and cuddling him. He's now 20 weeks old, but his adjusted age (the age at which he is developmentally) is 9 weeks.

 

Now, he won't sleep in anything but his swing, while being held, or in the car. Sometimes, if we move extremely slowly, we can get him into his crib without incident. Most of the time, though, he will go from a dead sleep to screaming as though instead of laying him gingerly onto a nice comfy mattress, we've just dumped him onto a layer of rusty tacks.

 

I've tried several things so far:

 

-Letting him "cry it out." I don't know who thought up that particular phrase, but I'd like to find that person and pinch him/her. He screamed bloody murder for a good 20 minutes, and when I finally couldn't take it anymore, I picked him up and he hollered for another 10 minutes just to give me what for. The whole time he was crying, I kept wondering if he ever did that in the NICU and nobody came to pick him up. The thought of my baby not being comforted when he needed me was some hellafied torture.

 

-Rocking him to sleep, then putting him in his bed. Yeah, no.

 

-Rocking him to sleep, putting him in his bed, then when he woke up hollering, rock him to sleep, then put him in his bed, thinking I'd just wait him out. Well, after 3 hours, he won.

 

-A mobile. He'll stare at it for a few minutes, then realize "Hey, nobody's holding me and that's crap" and start screaming.

 

-Soft music and white noise, thinking that noises wake him up after we've put him down. Well, once he realizes he's not being held, he can't hear Brahm's Lullaby over his hollering.

 

During the day it's not so bad. He loves his swing, and I can do anything while he's in it. It's at night that I'm ready to go insane. I would give anything for a couple of hours of sleep in a row. My husband takes him a lot in the middle of the night, which is very nice, but it leaves me feeling awful. He's got to go to work, and even though I got up at 7 and it'll be 2 in the morning, I can nap during the day (although I frequently don't). He can't.

 

I'm taking suggestions. Give me something, y'all. If you don't have any advice, come to my house for the night and let me sleep.

[melrich]

Letting him "cry it out." I don't know who thought up that particular phrase, but I'd like to find that person and pinch him/her.

 

He's way too young for that. Crying out is really done at age 6mths plus and even then generally don't allow to cry for more than 5 mins or so.

 

Try putting him in his bed and staying next to his cot, hold his hand through the rails. It may mean you have to spend a lot of time initially on your knees in his room but if you can get him to go to sleep in his cot it will be worth it in the long run.

 

Don't wait till he is asleep to try and put him to his cot, that achieves nothing. He needs to learn to go to sleep in his cot.

[gattsuga]

hehe.. the joys of motherhood eh? my mom told me a bunch of stories of how my sister was when she was a kid. My sister refused to sleep too unless she was inside of a car with the engine running! the INSTANT my parents turned off the engine, she'd wake up.

 

Eventually they'll grow out of it, I think... i'm no parent myself... but my sister can sleep in her bed now without the engine running i guess you just have to bear with it?

[Beyondthesea]

Hmmm. Do you have some sort of bedtime routine for him?

 

If no, try to make some sort of routine for him so he knows it's bedtime. I would also do as melrich suggests and kneel beside him, touching him while he cries so at least he will go to sleep in his bed as right now that's your real goal.

 

Don't feel terribly about him crying, it's his only way of communicating to you that he's annoyed about what's happening. He isn't hurt, he isn't in any pain, he is just plain trying to get his way > So long as you know he is changed, not hungry and just stubborn then try touching him while he is in his cot. It will probably take a few days, but he will do it!

[Bethany]

link removed

 

That looks like a good site, especially as I have done those things myself and they work. Good Luck.

[Scotcha]

My son was kind of the same way.. What about those little vibrating chair things? He slept like a rock in those.. I actually just put it in his crib and tilted it back more until I had the chance to purchase a vibrating bassinet.

 

But he grew out of needing it and eventually your son will learn to fall asleep and stay asleep too.

[justpaisley]

Try putting him in his bed and staying next to his cot, hold his hand through the rails.

 

That was actually part of the "crying it out" night. I held his hand, shushed him, stroked his head. He just screamed and screamed.

 

You're right though about him falling asleep then putting him down - it achieves nothing. I'd really like to get him to soothe himself, and that's part of this whole question.

 

I put him in his crib about an hour ago and he's been sleeping ever since. Don't know what I did. Actually, it was probably the shot he got today.

 

Thanks, everyone, for the advice so far.

[southerngirl]

Both my sons I have held/rocked to get them to sleep till they were probally too old by everyone elses standards.

 

I just now am getting my soon to be 2 year old to go to sleep on his own. That seems to be working pretty good though with just telling him its time to lay down and putting him back everytime he gets outa his bed.

 

When you lay him down, theres a way I allways do it.. My husband cant seem to get the hang of this but it works.

 

I cradle one hand under his head/neck and one hand under his rear end..

 

I lay him down so that the rear hits the bed first while my other hand is still supporting his head, he doesnt quite realise he is being layed down this way..

 

Then in a very smooth motion careful to let him down soft and easy like, I am able to lay him down without him realising its been done. This worked with both my babies, rear first before the head area..

 

maybe this could help??

 

ps... I have NEVER let my kids cry it out, It kills me and I just cant do it, does that make me a slacker? I dont know but I will live =) Good Luck with it!

 

You mention that you wonder if the nurses at the hospital let him cry without them picking him up... pretty sure that they did that, I have seen them do that to the babies in the nursery...

You couldnt do anything about that though, its not your fault... but it does make me wonder if thats part of his problem. If he in fact is having seperation anxiety because he wants you to be close to him. Can he lay down with you? I know the shame of it, people say thats bad too but maybe you can get some rest that way?

[melrich]

He will learn how to fall asleep but it is really worth persevering with getting him to fall asleep on his own. Otherwise you could be setting yourself up for a long battle with bad sleeping habits.

[justpaisley]

ps... I have NEVER let my kids cry it out, It kills me and I just cant do it, does that make me a slacker?

 

I think it just makes you a mom We don't like our kids to be in unnecessary distress; it's part of our nature to soothe them. Also, I know a lot of people say that co-sleeping is "bad." I say to each his own. It's not for me, but if you want to do it and you think it's best for your kids, you do it! I get so irritated with mommy wars, and mommies who say that because something worked best for their kid, it'll work best for all kids, and anyone that does it differently is bad. You do what you need to do for your kids, don't let anyone tell you you're wrong.

 

You mention that you wonder if the nurses at the hospital let him cry without them picking him up... pretty sure that they did that, I have seen them do that to the babies in the nursery...

 

Oh, I know they did, and I'm not faulting them for it. In the NICU my son was in, there were around 15 babies at any given time. The nurses couldn't take care of all the babies AND comfort one. My son's neighbor in there was a little girl who would cry and cry and cry just to get some attention, and as soon as someone would pick her up, she'd stop. They'd do everything else they needed to do (she wasn't critical like several of the babies in there were) and then hold her until they could get everything done. A few times, she was in one of those vibrating chairs mentioned above, which seemed to help, but only temporarily. I feel for her mom!

 

My son never cried in the hospital unless he was hungry! Actually, I only heard him really hollering about a week before he was discharged! He never cried for any other reason than hunger until he had been home for about 3 weeks. That's when he would have been full term. My mom likes to say that's when he would have been born, so that's when he started crying.

 

Anyway... Is this too young for him to be on a schedule? He generally eats every 4 hours, but occasionally he'll sleep for 6-7 hours, so I wouldn't know how to get him on an hourly schedule unless I interrupted his big sleep. So basically, he's got literally no schedule. I thought I'd wait until he was sleeping through the night to get him started, but now that I'm doing some research, I should have started weeks ago.

 

Sheesh, live and learn, right? I'm really trying to do everything by instinct alone, not through research and parenting sites. Every once in a while I'll ask for help from y'all or his doctor. I'm going to start making a journal of what he's doing all day, to figure out what kind of schedule he's on, and then work around it and maybe try to move it around a little.

 

He will learn how to fall asleep but it is really worth persevering with getting him to fall asleep on his own. Otherwise you could be setting yourself up for a long battle with bad sleeping habits.

 

You're absolutely right! (Once again. Seriously, do you do this for a living? ) That's the last thing I want, is for him to have bad sleeping habits. I of course don't quite know what kind of disciplinarian I'll be, but my vision is of myself being a very strong one. I gotta start him young!

[melrich]

Seriously, do you do this for a living?

 

It's amazing how much and how quickly you learn when you have a couple of your own. You too can look forward to the next 5 years where dinner party conversation is almost exclusively along the lines of "What did you do when young Charlie was doing X?"

 

I remember well how scary it all was te first time around. And I as we have now a 9 month old it has been delightfully relaxed this time around. But you still learn a whole lot more and I expect you never probably get to the point hwere you know even 20% of it.

 

You will be learning about your kids for the rest of your life.

[justpaisley]

Thanks, melrich. I didn't go into this scared, per se, just mindful of how monumental the task of raising a child would be. I have 3 goddaughters who I babysat several times, sometimes for days at a time, so I was pretty prepared for what was to come. Their mom's parenting attitude is NOTHING like my own though, so I know that my road will be a long and hard one.

 

Worth it though.

[justpaisley]

Aaaand the baby, who was sleeping soundly not 10 minutes ago, is in his crib screaming what would be, translated from babyspeak, "MOTHER! I'm not being held! How DARE you! Come fetch me immediately!"

 

LOL - I live on a very short leash.

[Beyondthesea]

I was talking to one of my coworkers about you Paisley, and she had the same problem, as did her brother with his baby at one time.

 

What my coworker tried and it worked:

She got a really cuddly warm baby blanket and slept with it (well, as much as she was sleeping!) for a few nights so her smell was on it. Then she began holding her baby with it and putting her into the basinet with it. The baby protested for a night or so, but began sleeping like that.

 

Her brother tried and it worked:

They found a relatively small pillow (small enough to fit in the basinet and not 'cozy enough' that the baby would 'roll' or anything and would hold the baby in their arms on top of the pillow. When she fell asleep, they would put the whole pillow and all into the basinet and the baby slept that way as she didn't feel the 'impact' of being put down.

 

I think a combination of those would be worth trying. I've been thinking a lot about you

 

Much love and blessings...

[southerngirl]

The pillow thing works... Ive done that before.

[justpaisley]

Last night was hellish and nothing was accomplished. This morning, however, my son ate at 7:30 (my loving and wonderful husband took that one) and went back to sleep. I woke up at 10:30, and my son woke shortly afterwards wanting to eat. I fed him, held him for a little while, changed a downright nuclear diaper, then put him in his swing while I climbed Mount Laundry. I noticed he was getting a little drowsy, so I picked him up and brought him to his crib. He popped awake. I turned on his mobile, put his paci in his mouth, and stroked his head. After about 10 minutes of dozing off, popping awake, and sucking furiously on his pacifier, I left the room. He's been sleeping for an hour and a half at this point.

 

I'm only going to let him sleep for 3 hours at a time today, and try to keep him awake for between 2 and 3 hours after his next feeding. Tonight, starting at 7, lights off, feeding in his room, quiet time. Tomorrow morning, we're waking up at 7. I hope.

 

I'm definitely going to try the blanket thing; let him cuddle with something while he sleeps. I don't really want to do the pillow thing, because I'd really like to get him to soothe himself to sleep without my intervention so I can establish naptimes without me having to get him to sleep. My life's been ridiculously hectic since he was born, I'd like to restore some relative sense of normalcy. I'm telling y'all, he's lucky he's cute at this point.

 

Thank you all so much for all the suggestions! I really appreciate them!

[avman]

It gets better Paisley. Every one of my children had different sleep habits. My first was awesome. He had great naps, slept through the night quickly, etc. My second was a terror. His naps last 20 minutes tops. Wanted to be held constantly just like yours.

 

It sounds like you are trying all the right things. Your baby is still really young so I wouldn't be worried about developing any really bad habits quite yet. Do what works best for you and for him. He will eventually learn to self soothe, but given his developmental delays it might take him a little longer than most.

 

Hang in there.

[Beyondthesea]

Paisley, I hope you're hanging in there alright!

[justpaisley]

Paisley, I hope you're hanging in there alright!

 

zzz...wha?

 

LOL... We're really trying to start a routine. I figured out that if I get him sleepy and warm enough, he WILL fall asleep on his own. He slept from 6:30 this morning until 12, so I know he can sleep, but he just does it at really crappy times. I was going to wake him up at 10, but I wanted to see how long he would sleep alone in his crib. I'm really dreading tonight because he slept all day today.

 

I'm going to go medieval on him this weekend. My husband will be home so he can help me, but as much as it'll suck all three of us, I'm not letting him sleep longer than 2 hours at a time during the day. I read something that said that would help restart his clock.

 

This kid... always keeping me on my toes. It's amazing how exhausted I'll be, begging him to go to sleep, then he'll flash me a big toothless grin and I melt. I want very much to snuggle him to sleep every night, but I know how hard that'll be for me in the future.

 

Thank you for thinking of me and giving me support. Wish me luck this weekend!

[justpaisley]

aaa...wha?

 

Huh. I type in z's, it shows up a's. eNotAlone keeps me on my toes, too.

[justpaisley]

Well, all of a sudden he's started sleeping 8 hours at a time - praise the Lord. If we put him in his crib, get him snuggled up to his little stuffed cat, and pop his pacifier in his mouth, he will go to sleep.

 

Of course, now he's eating or cranky all day, and since I'm sick, I'm tired all day. I'm trying to keep the snuggle-time to a minimum since I don't want him to get sick, but when he wants to be held, he wants to be held NOW. My mom came over yesterday and let me rest, and my husband let me sleep for 10 hours last night. Single moms blow my mind.

 

Thanks to everyone for their suggestions.

[Hope75]

Hey Paisley,

 

That's a happy ending to your story!

 

I'm glad the baby is letting you get some rest now.

 

I hope that you feel better very soon!