contact with ex's family

[sunshine13]

Is anyone else in contact with their exes family? I dated my ex for 4 years so we had a lot of mutual friends and I got close with his sister. Is it alright to continue contact with these people if we are not talking about the ex? We have been broken up for 2 months and I have NC'd everyone. I was supposed to go see Transiberian Orchestra this holiday season with my exes sister and I was wondering if this would still be acceptable. The sister emailed me this weekend about it but I am confused. I miss them all a lot. I want to be friends with everyone but I don't know if that is healthy for me. I don't care about his feelings towards it b/c he is the one who asked me to spend the entire summer with his family and knew we would get close and he chose to end it so I don't care what he thinks. . .I am more worried about me.

[Meena]

its very surprising that he did wrong to you and you still are comfortable with the family. I think u must not see his family members anymore.

If I would hate a person I would haate his whole family...though don't know its right or wrong but surely know that its normal.

[sunshine13]

I cannot hate his family and I don't even hate him. He is a 29 year old grown man. They have done nothing but treat me with respect, welcome me into their home. As I said in the previous email.. . I spent the entire summer with his family. Me and his mom and sister used to spend a lot of time by ourselves together as well as his grandmother. Why should I hate them? They all know he is an idiot.

[violingirl]

I also was very close to my ex's family when we were together. However, after we broke up, I could tell that they were hiding information from me about my ex and the fact that he had left me for another woman. I did see his parents a few times immediately after the breakup, but then reduced the contact to only an e-mail once a month, because I felt so depressed from the breakup. I saw them again earlier this year (they invited me to dinner) and it was nice/not awkward, but a long time had passed since the breakup. Unfortunately, our contact has decreased.

 

If you remain in contact with your ex's family, be prepared for it to be a bit awkward and try not to bring up the ex. Remember, no matter what your ex did to you, they are his family and will always be loyal to him.

[sunshine13]

I don't doubt for a second that his family will be loyal to him. Nobody brings him up. There are going to be times where his name will come up or something. . . but that part doesn't bother me. The part that bothers me is that just b/c he has ended the relationship. . why should I have to cut contact with everyone that I was so close to for 4 years? I do have my own friends and family and I haven't bothered with his at all over the time period that we were broken up .. .However, he is the one that insisted when we were together that I get to know his family and spend time with them. . There were times when he would have some where to go and I would just sit at his familys house and hang out with them until he was done. Why should I have to be even more hurt to lose people that were so close to me b/c he chooses not to be with me? I guess I am arguing my own point. Sorry.

[violingirl]

sunshine13, I know how it feels. Like you said: "Why should I have to be even more hurt to lose people that were so close to me b/c he chooses not to be with me?" That's exactly how I felt/feel, too.

 

It's not fair. Not at all. My ex wanted me to be part of his family and be friends with his friends. Then, when he broke up with me it was all suddenly gone. I lost his family (for the most part), I lost the friends I made through him. I lost the warm family holidays and weekly dinners and get-togethers (my parents live out of state). What did he lose? Absolutely nothing (except for losing me, which he apparently doesn't care about) - he still has all of those things.

 

When this happens, it just heightens your feelings of betrayal and abandonment, because you are not just being abandoned by your ex. As dumpees, we lose so much more.

 

It just sucks and, unfortunately, there isn't really anything you can do about it.

[sunshine13]

You are absolutely right and straight to the point. The thing is is that there IS something I can do about it. His family and friends still want to be friends with me. This guy is very immature. We have broken up several times. Each time we have broken up I have maintained contact with mutual friends, family members. . . but I always suffered backlash from it. Everything is fine with everyone else but he will call or email and tell me that nobody wants me around and stay away from them blah blah. I have not heard from him since the day we broke up and that is not something that I want to hear. In the past I have just fought back and let him know that his friends call me and invite me around so they obviously do want me around. This in turn just gets him and his friends in arguments and I don't want that either. I am trying to be a better person this time around. I also know that it is over for good this time so I don't want to hear whether he is dating someone new or happen to find out the "real" reason we broke up. They are usually very good about not talking to me at all about him. . . It is a catch 22. If I choose to keep everyone in my life I have that option (with him thinking that I can't let go) and if I don't keep them around then I lose.

[LilPixie]

Well....after me and my husband broke up I moved in with his mom and dad.

I KNOW I KNOW - weird.

 

My husband cheeated on me, lied, took drugs, stole etc. I found out about most of it later after we broke up. His mom and dad are pastors in a church. After the break up they offered me a job in the town they live in. My ex lives in a different state. So I moved in with them and started the new job.

 

They don't have any contact with him. They don't support his lifestyle, his decisions and most of all what he did to me.

 

Obviouslly this type of relationship is not for everyone. But I don't have any family besides them. I didn't want to loose my husband and the only family I have all at the same time.

 

Sometimes his name comes up and it feels a little painful - but it's rare. There are no pics of him or reminders of him in their house - they move a lot so he has never even been here.

 

I have requested that IF they ever talk to him, my name is not mentioned. I don't want him to know anything about me. I have also requested that if they hear anything about him I don't want them to tell me.

 

So....my advise is - do what feels right. My ex's parents are saints and I feel priviledged to have them as my family. Just because my ex is a looser doesn't mean that I can't be with his family. They all know him better than me and know the idiot that he is.

 

Good luck.