He came for his things last night

[cingar]

Last night I had planned a nice guiet evening , just me and some really sappy movies so i could just cry until i couldn't any more. my boys went to there dads so i finally thought i could let it all out with out having to hold back. But then the knock came at the door, and he was there. My heart skipped a beat and I was taken back. He handed me a belt I forgot at his place and just walked past me. I felt my legs start to shake and the tears well up because I knew this was going to be the last time I ever saw him. He went straight to the computer so he could fix the boys video game for them. I offered him a drink, (he only drinks juice) he accepted. I just sat beside him, watching him work on the computer, then he showed me how to scan for viruses (i'm not very good when it comes to those things). Finally he decided it was time for his stuff so he asked for it. I told him it was out in the garage. He followed me out. He was surprised to see that he had three boxes of stuff here. He reached down to grab the first box and I stopped hm. I just looked at him. with tears in my eyes. and he just held me. It felt good to have him hold me again ,then he kissed me very gently. I asked him not to do this. that I can't take the pain, when he's not with me. He said he has to. And he grabbed the box and went to his car. We talked for a while I just had so many unanswered questions. He said he never cheated on me and this has been the hardest thing he has ever done leaving me he said he would of been better off he never came back from Montreal that this only got harder. He held me again and kissed me . "you can't tell me you don't have feelings for me" I said . He said your right " Then don't push me away. I pleaded with him. " He started to cry and then I cried, I asked him if he ever loved me, he said yes but it's not enough. he wants so much more, He wants money and material things he just not ready to settle down. It hurt so much to here that but I think it helped some. He kissed me again and then he was gone. I felt okay last night because I got to say good bye, I think just the relief that he didn't cheat on me was what I needed to here. However, today the reality is setting in that he's not gonna be in my life anymore that I'll never see him again and now the pain is back worst then ever. So here I am writing this stuff down not even being able to see the key board for the tears that are flowing. I can't breath my chest is so tight. How can one person cause another so much pain. I always believed if you had love you could get through anything that comes along. What a fool I was . God i miss his face.

[skyjuice]

Hi

 

I am sorry to hear what happen to you.

 

Stay strong girl. Stay strong for your children and yourself.

[vermilion]

Wow, your post almost made me cry.

 

I know I'm young but I still know it's shocking and hurtful when it sets in that you won't be seeing someone again and then you miss them so bad it hurts.

 

I'm so sorry you're hurt and I hope you find someone else soon who can appreciate you for yourself- not leave you for "material" things. Someone who loves you and you love him and that's enough.

 

Best of luck cingar.

[Tigris]

I'm very sorry this has happened to you.

 

It's obvious he still cares about you and the children. It's not very often that someone you've just broken up with will still come around and fix your children's computer.

 

Is there a chance that you could get back together in the future?

[cingar]

i want to hold out for that hope , but realistically I don't think he'll ever be back. I told him before he left that I would be her when he's ready . Thats really pathetic on my part. So for now thank you for your words of kindness

[Tigris]

I advise you to keep in touch with him on a regular basis so he is constantly reminded of you, that way there's a better chance of getting back together in the future.

 

Good luck and take care.

[ebsmith1]

I did the same thing that you did, only I cried and begged and pleaded multiple times. It sounds like it was very dignified. I'm so sorry that you are hurting like this, I know exactly what it's like. I have two little boys too and the man that just left me hurt them as well. They miss him almost as much as I do.

[now_better]

I advise you to keep in touch with him on a regular basis so he is constantly reminded of you, that way there's a better chance of getting back together in the future.

 

Good luck and take care.

 

cingar, i'm sorry to hear that life isn't getting any better. i really wouldn't stay in contact with him. you made it clear how you feel and he did the same. one of the most important things i learned when i broke up was you can't force anybody to feel a certain way. you can't force anybody to do anything in life. if you do, it's temporary and then it fades away again. they have to decide. they have to make the choice to come back to you on their own free will so then they will really stay.

 

"life is so hard"... that's what i repeated to myself when i was crying while talking to my friend on the phone. it is so hard sometimes and the pain is unbearable. it questioned my purpose in life... questioned why do we exist. i was a ball of self-pity for several months. then amazingly after a lot of time and healing, life gets better. you realize that it was for the best even if you're not in the best of states.

 

i would go complete NC. if he wants to contact you, he knows how to get in touch with you. one day at a time, focus on your boys, focus on getting your life back on track, friends & family. that's what will save you.

[cingar]

it's just so hard, I want to keep in touch with him. but most posts say to have no contact. so I don't know what to do.I just didn't lose my lover I lost my best friend. they only man I have ever trusted.

[now_better]

cingar, i've had 1 girlfriend in my life. we were together for 5 years. she was my best friend, my confidant, i've never been closer to anybody else in my life, i would have died for her.

 

you really think you're going to heal by keeping in touch and a) walking on eggshells everytime you talk to him ("did i say the right thing tonight?"), b) keeping your life in neutral while everybody INCLUDING HIM is living for the future, c) relentlessly obsessing about him, d) setting yourself for who knows how many more rejections from him in the future... no. out of sight, out of mind. this really only works if you keep yourself busy so you can stop thinking about him. i know you don't want to hear this, but the truth can be a pretty painful pill to swallow sometimes.

[doolittle]

Hi Cingar. I would agree - no contact is the only way. I'm going through something similar at the moment and NC has helped enormously. It's really tough but when you come through the other side of this (and you will) you will be able to look back and see it was for the best. Previous to making this decision I had called my ex in tears several times and each time it put me back to square one. I even went to his house one night and sat outside in my car crying. Thankfully, I had the strength to drive away to my friend's before knocking on his door.

 

He isn't going to tell you what you want to hear. It's unhelpful of the poster above to suggest that there could be a reconcilliation and that you should keep in contact. That's not at all what you want to hear right now, it's just going to confuse you, and from what you have written doesn't sound likely. As has already been pointed out you need to move on in order to heal. If he does come back to you in the future so be it. But assume that isn't going to happen and let yourself get better.

 

In a week's time you will be feeling better, even if it's only a little bit, and you will see that NC was the right choice. Meanwhile, if you feel that things are running away with you perhaps a trip to the doctor wouldn't be amiss? It certainly helped me.

 

Don't I sound the sane one? I'm really not right now, but I know i'm talking sense.

 

 

[Lanterna Magica]

The above post pretty much sums up everything I have to say. But rather than NC being what you want, think of it as what you need.

 

I too am going through the rigours of NC, just earlier this evening I had to go round to a friends house, two doors down from hers, same street, saw her lights on, the window open, the car parked outside and it felt like the most natural thing in the world would to be to go and knock on that door. But I got out of my car, went to my friends house, talked about the rigours of Love and break ups, and when I left, I didn;t even look at her house, just got in the car, drove home and made a cup of tea. I miss her with every fibre of my being, but I just know that for her sakes and mine at this time there is no way we should be talking to each other. We had an almost amicable split, at first I pleaded, but then quickly realized all I can do in this situation is look after me and my life, that there is no longer an 'us'. So I called her and simply said that I understood the reasons for the break up, that I could see clearly that we couldn't function in a relationship as we were and that no amount of promises by me to change would ever mean anything unless I changed. But change takes time and courage and there is no quick fix to it.

 

You must focus on yourself now, if you do have to contact your ex, be warm, tell him you have accepted the decision and that you will not contact him again, but that if he ever really needs to speak to you, you are always there. Don't wait for the phone to ring, don't check your emails over and over, just accept the situation and heal yourself.

 

And then in the future you will have your love reciprocated by another who values it. Love is the real treasure, so if this guy would rather buy himself a fast car or a bunch of designer clothes, he loses the treasure and is a poorer man for it.

[Tigris]

How are your children coping? Are they old enough to understand what's happening?

 

It was only recently that I realised how much my divorce had affect my 9 year old nephew and 7 year old neice. I saw them on Saturday and they were asking, 'Will we see Uncle Dave again? Will he still be our Uncle? and Why did you get divorced?' I had to think wisely for my answers so I didn't upset them again.

 

We can give you loads of advice, but it's upto you to make a decision. Take your time, think wisely and look deep inside yourself for the answer.

 

Good luck and take care.

[cingar]

I know your right , But when your so alone it's hard not to obsess about him or think about him. I had mentioned in one of my other posts that I lost my family and friends because I gave up my religion for him cause I finally thought I had found someone who could make me happy . and he did . But your right you can't go back you can only go forward . and I have no regrets about being with him . And in time i will be able to move on even if it is just me and my two boys. I was alone for six years before I met him. And I survived so maybe I will be okay again. And no I can't go back to my religion because I would have to repent and be sincerely sorry for what I've done . And I'lll never be sorry for LPG.

oldest son is very angry . I think he feels that another man has just let him down. His dad is really mean man and hurt them. I don't like sending my boys there but I have no choice. Lpg treated them so good . The boys fell in love with him too. The youngest had been reaaly sweet , he hads stayed by moms side . He doesn't understand why he left andwhy he hurt us . I've tried explain it the best that I can but it's hard when I don't fully understand either.

[now_better]

cingar... life can be really hard sometimes, i don't know what else to say. i haven't seen or said a word to my ex since early June. last week, something happened that triggered memories and i've been depressed for the rest of the week and it culminated with last night, i just couldn't take it anymore ... i just broke down and started crying while i was writing an e-mail to a friend, and i haven't shed a tear in over 4.5 months. sometimes i wish there was a switch so that you could turn off the depression, but you know what... you can't. you just have to fight through it and get stronger. there's a light somewhere at the end of the tunnel and i thought i was out of it, but i guess i have a little bit more to go. keep strong, we know where it's like to be where you are.