New to the LDR thing...

[Slain67]

Ok, I didn't know where to post this but I'm having a few problems with my LDR. It's not necessarily the LD that's the problem, but part of it. This might be a long story but it should explain the situation well:

 

A few weeks ago I a 4th grade school friend of mine messaged me over myspace (We are both 20 years old right now). I remember we used to be the only two at school that got along and we had crushes on each other. Anyway, we started moving things from myspace to talking on the phone and I really liked her, not just as friends, but also in a romantic kind of way. She seemed to enjoy her conversations with me, so I had to take my chance. I had to show her how I felt before she put me in the friendzone, so I wrote her the a poem. It took her by surpise and she fell "in like" with me, too. We decided to start a LDR since we liked each other so much (she lives in Arizona and I live in California). Things are going great now and we plan on seeing each other over the weekend at the end of this month, then at thanksgiving and xmas.

 

As for the problems, some are more of my own and others we both have. First of all, she is not a virgin anymore and I am (I've gone out with a couple of girls very shortly, so she is like my first g/f). That's not what bothers me about it though. The thing is that she lost her virginity in a way that I would not be proud of. She said that after breaking up with her first boyfriend in Feb., she got drunk and was feeling hurt, so she had sex with an old friend of hers taht she was living with for the attention or something. She used to be the church girl that wanted to wait until marriage but she started changing when her first bf broke up with her and had casual sex with a few bf before she got to me. She says she wants to wait until marriage or when we are in love. It's all confusing. Since I've never had sex before, I never realized how sex can make a relationship so complicated. I mean, she said that when two people have sex, all they ever wanna do is do that and so they never get to know each other any further. As for me, I am still curious about how sex feels and I just want to experience it with someone I at least like. I would like to do it on our first weekend together. It may seem rushed but I just wanna try it. It feels like sex will never come to me, as if it doesn't even exist in my world. So now I got this "when do we have sex?" issue with her and the burden of how she lost her virginity. I mean if she lost it to her first bf or someone she loved or at least liked very much, I wouldn't mind, but to lose it in such a way...and then go on with multiple people having sex on the first few dates is really ...a burden to me in a way. I can feel her pain and regret. It also bothers me endlessly. I keep thinking about it over and over. I wish I could have been her first. I just want things to be the best...be perfect, even though there is no perfect in this world. And I'm not trying to judge her, that's not it. I just want things to be a certain way, the way I expected things to be if I ever had someone special like this girl.

 

I'm so confused and frustrated right now. It is all overwhelming...on top of going to a university for the first year and all this homework and tests...I wish I had time to think. it's hard to balance things.

 

I'm suppose to call her tonight and I don't know how I want to proceed with this relationship...

 

Anyway, I really need some advice, especially from anyone who can relate or has been in my situation before. Thanks for bearing with the long story and I will check this thread often, especially before tonight.

[nadine_3110]

Hey, you have to get passed this, she has had sex before, she's not proud of it, you can tell. Some ppl make mistakes, you have to forgive her for that. If she wants to wait to have sex with you, I'm afraid you're going to have to wait. And you shouldn't worry about not having sex in your lifetime. If you worry so much about what could happen, you'll miss what's happening right now, in front of you. You have this great girl, do you wanna risk losing her over sex??? I wouldn't. So good luck with everything and just be patient...

[AngelEyez]

Hey Slain67,

 

You seem very troubled by the fact that she wants to wait until marriage to have sex again or at least when you two are in love. It seems reasonable to think that way because she regrets what she has done in the past. You said that you aren't proud of the way she lost her virginity because she was never in love with the guy. If you have sex with her when you meet her, you want to lose your virginity to her, but are you in love with her? Unless I missed it, no where in your post did you say that you loved her. You may be contradicting yourself here. You would have wanted to have lost her virginity to someone she loved, yet you don't love this girl and you want to sleep with her. Another thing, maybe it's best that you wait on this whole sex thing. See where the relationship takes you. Get to know her more and if you both fall in love, great, do whatever you want. But, if it doesn't work out, and I'm not saying it won't because you both seem in-like with one another, then you can always find someone else. Who knows, maybe the next girl you meet may be a virgin. You will lose your virginity to a virgin.

 

I can somewhat relate to your situation. I'm in a LDR. My boyfriend wants to have sex when we meet during Christmas and I don't know wha to do. We are both virgins. There are many factors that fall into play, such as we won't be able to live with each other for about another 2 years, and hey, maybe our feelings towards each other may change. On the other hand, I may decide to have sex with him because I love him. Before I ever had a boyfriend, I believed I would wait until marriage. But, now I feel like when two people love each other, it is okay to do it then as well. Goodluck.

[Slain67]

You guys make some good points. I suppose I'll just have to wait and see how things go.

[Anna.]

Yeah, you can't hold her past against her. That is not fair. I think if her past is something that you can't look past, then you shouldn't be with her. Either decide to let it go, or let her go.