Falling apart

[doolittle]

My boyfriend and I separated on Thursday night. At the time I thought we were doing the right thing - we both agreed that although we love each other very much, it wasn't working. Even that night my feelings didn't change, or the next day. Come Saturday, BAMM, i'm a complete wreck. I keep going over and over in my head what went wrong, how it happened, how I shouldn't have instigated it. All I can think about is how wonderful he was, particularly with my son who adores him, and how he tried so much to change for me but that I just couldn't be pleased. I keep being told by everyone I speak to, including him, that I am being incredibly hard on myself, but I feel totally to blame and am full of regrets. I haven't eaten since Thursday, I have an exam today that i'm going to miss, sleep comes and goes but is never deep enough to leave me feeling refreshed. I think I am having a nervous breakdown. Last night i came home from my mum's for the first time back to an empty house and felt awful. Possibly at my worst.

 

It is the regrets that are killing me, the worries that I have done the wrong thing. They go round and round in my head over and over. He doesn't want to get back together, so surely that should tell me that we weren't right for each other? But it doesn't. He says he probably would have broke it off anyway in a few weeks/months if I hadn't done it. Clearly, I have no self-belief.

 

I am getting help - I spoke to an doctor on Saturday and got some Diazepam which is helping me sleep and last night spent a good hour on the phone with the Samaritans trying to make sense of everything. For the last few days I have surrounded myself with friends - who are all brilliant - but now all I want is to be alone. My mum is worried stiff, and wants me to go back to her house tonight until I feel better. I have made an appointment with the doctor today at 12.10. I need someome to convince me this will be alright, that these regrets are normal and that they will get easier.

 

It seems all I can focus on are the good times, and his good points. What I need to focus on is that i'm 27 and want a settled relationship - probably with someone older than me who is ready for 100% commitment.

 

I am going mad

[cingar]

I too have recently just gone thru a really bad break up. Mine wasn't mutual . I never even saw it coming I thought we were really happy. I've cried for seven days now, haven't eaten a thing until today and it actually stayed down. It's great that you have family and friends to help you thru this. Ithis is my first time on one of these chat things. so I'm not sure exactly how these work. but a friend told me they might help me .just hearing how other people are coping and that i'm not alone I guess your not alone either.everyone of these that i have read have all said the same thing. that it'll get easier over time.

[sidehop]

Hi doolittle, I'm very sorry to hear about your situation. It's not something any of us want to ever go through especially in a relationship you believe in.

 

You did mention though that he tried to change for you. What do you mean exactly? People should not have to change for anyone unless you're using it in a different form of context. Maybe this is the time you want to find out what you exactly want in a relationship and don't want. Write it down if you have to. I know all the good memories will shine brighter but what are things that if you step back a little & look back, you absolutely hated about him? There are reasons why it didn't work, you'll have to find out that answer for yourself. But don't blame it on yourself completely nor him. It takes two to make it work. If the relationship doesn't work out with him, then you have time now to recover & let yourself heal.

 

It must be very difficult for you but one day you will find the right person that will eventually change your heart. Take one day at a time. Keep yourself busy and focus on yourself & your son. Things will get better for you.

[doolittle]

Thanks guys.

 

Basically, i'm feeling a whole lot better today than I did yesterday so things are definitely on the up. It's highs and lows isn't it, but there's a lot to be said for positive thinking (and screaming, shouting and crying). We've also stopped phoning each other now, which has helped more than anything.

 

The doctor yesterday was brilliant and really helped me unwind, convincing me that these doubts and regrets are normal and its just my mind's way of making sense of what happened. Phew!

 

You did mention though that he tried to change for you. What do you mean exactly? People should not have to change for anyone unless you're using it in a different form of context. Maybe this is the time you want to find out what you exactly want in a relationship and don't want.

 

I am can see this now - thank God! Basically, he was a party animal and i'm a mum who needs some stability. He tried to calm down but this made him unhappy. I tried to accept him going out a lot but it made me unhappy. There were other important issues too, which I now realise that I couldn't live with. I actually wrote them all down here yesterday (and then deleted them) - this really helped me get them clear in my mind.

 

I still can't be alone at home and am back at my mum's though i'm sure this will get easier as the days go by.

 

Thanks again for your responses and my best wishes to everyone here going through a similar experience to me!

[sidehop]

That's really good to know what you really want & don't want. I think it's very important for each person to know & express what they want & don't want in a relationship...and as hard as it is to be honest with the potential mate, in the long run it'll save you from unwanted heartaches.

 

Check out inspirational talks by Tony Robbins. I've listened to his relationship advice & some tips were given based on what he said. It does give you a better insight on things.

[doolittle]

Argh! This is so hard.

 

On Wednesday night I returned the remaining of his belongings. He was all dressed up when I arrived, ready to go out with his mates. New clothes, shoes...even wearing aftershave which he never wore when he was with me. He was going out on the pull. He asked me if I was OK and I lied and said yes. I was short and left as quickly as possible. He didn't seem at all upset.

 

In some ways this has helped cement into my head that we were wrong for one another, that if he can move on so quickly in less than a week that we were doomed anyway. Although i'm not feeling as hopeless, he is on my mind from the moment I wake to the moment i fall asleep. I'm dreading the weekend alone, I can't seem to find enjoyment in anything at the moment or motivation to do anything. I am hoping going back to work on Monday will take my mind off him

[kath123]

its hard iknow, i am in the same situation, i cant get my ex out of my head for a minute of the day,even when im with friends or family and they are speaking to me ,if its not about him then i completely shut off.

I too want to be left alone with my own pain but i dont think thats the right way to help yourself.

I am going to force myself to go out tonight,because the weekend is a long miserable time, and all i can think of is what we would be doing now if we were still together. The bottom line is we are not together anymore and he seems to be accepting this fact with great ease.

Someone said on one of these posts "fake it til you make it" and these words do help, even if you dont feel like doing anything other than sitting around wallowing in grief, try to make yourself ,show him you are getting on with life and pretend to enjoy it, one day soon i hope we wont need to pretend that we will actually begin to enjoy our different life!

[sidehop]

Sometimes you just need to let your mind & heart feel that pain & emotions completely, if you have to cry, cry but don't hold back. Same thing when you're happy If you had good memories, treasure it, you don't necessary have to forget about it just because he's no longer in your life.

 

Weekends & especially nights, I know it gets very lonely. But give yourself a credit each day for doing something you weren't able to do before when you broke up. Keeping yourself busy always helps. I like to go work out, listen to music, ride my bike, whatever that will get your mind off & sometimes take the frustration, sadness & anger. It works really well if it's anything physical!

 

Life isn't all about happiness and we all experience pain & suffering for a reason whether it's you directly or someone who you care or know. But keep reminding yourself what he has been doing to you. The disgust face he made, the way he acts to you now. By the time he realizes that you cared & loved him, he's the one that will be at lost. When you get to that point where you are happy again with yourself & have your life back again, it will only make you a stronger person

[doolittle]

Thanks for your advice which I am trying to take on board. After feeling so positive last night, I am so sad today it is almost unbearable. What am I sad about? Is it because I have lost him for good, or is it because I am alone? The end of my last relationship wasn't like this - far from it in fact - so i'm not convinced that i'm sad simply because i'm alone.

 

We are never getting back together and this is so hard to accept. I don't think I have ever felt pain like this in my life. I feel like part of me is missing and I will never feel better.

 

 

[caliboy_2007]

Thanks for your advice which I am trying to take on board. After feeling so positive last night, I am so sad today it is almost unbearable. What am I sad about? Is it because I have lost him for good, or is it because I am alone? The end of my last relationship wasn't like this - far from it in fact - so i'm not convinced that i'm sad simply because i'm alone.

 

We are never getting back together and this is so hard to accept. I don't think I have ever felt pain like this in my life. I feel like part of me is missing and I will never feel better.

 

 

 

Doolittle

I feel you. I feel EXACTLY as you do since I'm going through the same thing. I wish there was somebody I could talk to but hang in there... we gotta hang in there. I was the dumpee in my last and only relationship... she basically said she liked me alot but didn't LOVE me... that's after 1.5 years of being together. It hurts like hell.

 

Hang in there

[sunwillshine]

It does get better...It really does...I didn't think it ever would...Just about 6 months ago my relationship ended and I was DEVASTATED...I felt I was in an abyss...a black hole that I was just falling deeper and deeper...

It is the grieving process...I felt it all...felt it, processed it, let it go...It took a few weeks to start feeling better...and then a couple of months to feel a little more better...And now I am okay...Actually dating someone...

All I can say is hang in there...post here...I would write him letters (not give them to him)...I cried...I raged...I went to therapy...talk with friends...

I had no contact with him which in the beginning I hated but looking back it was the Best thing...

I also decided to deal with some of my own issues...and take time for me...

It is a process...just try not to get sucked into the abyss...keep hope in your heart that one day you will be okay and he is just a part of your past...

[sidehop]

Thanks for your advice which I am trying to take on board. After feeling so positive last night, I am so sad today it is almost unbearable. What am I sad about? Is it because I have lost him for good, or is it because I am alone? The end of my last relationship wasn't like this - far from it in fact - so i'm not convinced that i'm sad simply because i'm alone.

 

We are never getting back together and this is so hard to accept. I don't think I have ever felt pain like this in my life. I feel like part of me is missing and I will never feel better.

 

 

 

Doolittle, look at yourself right now. You can see, you can type, breathe, and a new life is in front of you waiting. You're going to have ups & downs. What's going to make the difference is for your to realize how he treated you & that there's someone out there that will change your life and treat you as the way you want to be treated.

 

Try to surround yourself with positive things. Read what other people are going through, books about how to cope with devastating break ups, finding new interests. Try not to dig up your scar when it's trying to heal. Let your heart do the healing and feed it with positive thoughts.

 

It WILL get better. If you feel sad, at least tell yourself that everyday.

[cingar]

It's been two weeks since he broke up with me and I stillthink about him every single day . and when he came for his things on the weekend . the pain came back even worse. But today I feel better I think what actually helped was not thinking about the break up and dwelling on being alone. but I was thinking about all the good memories we had to tgether. and it put a smile on my face. I think each and everyone of us is feeling pain and grief over our loss and everyone has to deal with it in there own way. I'm still hurting but I know it didn't kill me I thought I was gonna die a few times but I picked my self back up . and you will too. Hang in there it has to get better.

[Dorsay]

I understand the ups and downs. I broke up with my friend almost 2 weeks ago. When I wake up in the middle of the night, he's the first thing that's in my mind. I try to do the right thing--not calling, writing but not sending them out, running, drawing....but he's still there. It's very hard for me to let him go especially because I am the one who chose to walk away. I had many opportunities to get back to him and I still can if I want to, but what good does it do? I know the relationship isn't going to work, so prolonging it will only make the separationship harder later.

 

It's very hard even if we know that we're doing the right thing. I don't have any support group, so just like you, I'm seeing a doctor this afternoon. I'm trying to do anything that can help me through. Hang in there.

[Dorsay]

Hi Doolittle, How are you? Are you doing better today? I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone.

[doolittle]

Hi guys. This week has been much better...I think largely because i've got back to work and have kept myself occupied. He text and then rang me on Monday night - he was upset. Going on his previous 'not bothered' attitude, in particular being quite cold when I rang him in tears, this was totally unexpected. I reassured him that he would feel better soon. He asked to see me and I said no. This was so hard to do but it was the right thing to do. There is no way I want to go through all that pain again.

 

I am also seeing things with more clarity...I am able to fully focus on his bad points at last! Hooray! I spent the entire of last week blaming myself for the break-up and thinking I had lost the most wonderful man in the entire world. He's still on my mind but I can push him aside. I've come round the idea (told to me many times by my friends) that he was lucky to have me and not the other way round.

 

I have really appreciated all the support on this board - it has definitely helped.

[sidehop]

You're very courageous!!! Keep it up! That was fast, when he realized he's missing something like most people, they try to look for comfort. You did the right thing to yourself by rejecting it Yes your friends are right!