The Typical Problem

[asdf77]

I'm just looking for input/suggestions and am trying to shorten this...

I'm bisexual and I've told a friend I liked him before, but it ended bad, so I have reservations about being the first one to say anything again.

 

I've been in class for 1 1/2 months now (college). Wasn't interested in anyone at first, even though there's a good looking cool guy behind me. Two weeks into class, there's a fire drill. I didn't have any friends so I walked out on my own, but on the way back I ended up walking next to that guy and we just started talking. Didn't even introduce ourselves...just one of those random things. Got along really well. The guy is a punk rock type that wears pretty tight band t-shirts and slim-fit jeans (like me!). He doesn't have feminine mannerisms and he has a typical male voice like myself, not one that gives away being gay. Sits next to a girl that has worn b-ball shorts and baggy shirts from day one. I've talked to her and believe she's a lesbian. He only talks to her randomly during class, and for not very long. Doesn't talk to the guys around him very much (that are clearly straight).

 

After the fire alarm class, I started to notice him more. Since I sit in front of him, I started to tilt my body/head to the left a bit so I could barely watch his head. I noticed that he looks at me alot. No one sits in front of me. I'm no longer naive though, and I know not to give much credit to this. I'm a good looking guy and I get a lot of people (guys/girls/straight/gay) looking at me. I often do the same with people with an attractive face even if I'm not interested in a relationship. We usually talk a/b 3 to 4 times during class...make jokes to each other or talk a/b an example problem. I've made sure now to never take the initiative. I'm shy about these things now so it's up to the other guy. Well, things continue in the above stated fashion for about 2 weeks, until one day when I get up as usual (typically the only person) to get a sandwhich from downstairs. As I'm walking out, I can tell he's watching me, but I typically think people just watch movement. As I close the door behind me, I see him looking at me and kinda smile (like a hey smile). I get on the elevator and ride down. The doors open and there he is. We start talking and I make sure to smile and show interest (as I'm very interested but sometimes may seem like I'm not). We talk alot and even though he was there first, I somehow end up getting my food first. I go over to pick up my food and he waits for me (could just be like friends do, but worth pointing out). We walk upstairs and talk the entire time.

 

Inside class, I sit there and listen to the prof with my head/body slightly turned as usual. I can tell he is watching me, so I decide to turn and look at him. Instead of usual (where he'll turn away), he stares at me with a sort of smiling gaze on his face. I flash my eyebrows up and kinda smile...wish I'd smiled more. It was a bold move by him...he wasn't staring into space, but admiring me like I do when I'm interested in someone. Still, I hate to read into things, so I'm conservative about this. I leave before him when class ends (should've waited!@$@%) and end up walking down my path to class. He usually goes the other way to his truck, but for once, I turn around to see him as he leaves the building and notice he's walking down my path. I keep going, turn around for a second, and he's gone. Either he parked in the back lot (for the first time in the semester) or something was up.

 

From what I've said...does it sound like something or am I reading into it. My biggest problem is that I've read into things too much before and gotten screwed. To me, it seems like he was being incredibly bold on that day and I gave him practically nothing in return. I really feel like a piece of crap and hope I haven't messed things up. So now I'm trying to think about what I can do to show my interest without saying it. If there's one thing I don't want to do (at this point), it's say anything first. I was thinking about doing this: next time he asks me a question (which he often does to clarify an example problem), I'll answer part of it and kinda stop in the middle...like the lost in words staring at the person effect...and then finish it. Maybe that would be like a reflection of what he seemed to do the other day.[/color]

[ForAnother]

Reading too much into it? perhaps... but I think there is a general attraction. I would suggest waiting for him to make a move... so keep giving him positive vibes and maybe he'll talk to you about it.

 

-ForAnother

[Tigris]

Just continue to get to know him better and see where it leads.

[asdf77]

Well, thanks for the responses so far. I've decided to do what was said and see where things go naturally without intervening. I guess I'll update this as I see fit (I have class Tue/Thur with the guy).

 

Today kinda sucked because I actually didn't have class with him. He ended up not coming in. Despite this, I did see him.

 

I was walking to the building before class and a girl that I know from English called me down and started up a conversation. She's pretty cute so I'm not sure how this ended up looking (for my sexuality), but I really pay attention to people when they talk, so while she and I were talking outside the front door I didn't even see him walking up to us. Instead of just walking by (or saying hey, like I'd expect an acquaintance to do) he stopped and waited for us to finish talking. Then he said hey and said he wouldn't be able to come to class today because he had a Calc test afterwards and had to study. He went into an overexplanation of why he needed to study for it, and the conversation went on for about 3 minutes (a long time to talk just about that). For some reason, he shook my hand, but for a little longer than is normal (about 4 seconds). So me and him walked into the building and as we went in I told him I was a tutor and could help him out...just to let me know by coming up to class if he needed the help.

 

But yeah, he never came up and asked for help. So either he didn't need my help at all or maybe did need my help (or wanted to talk) but was too shy to come call me out of class in front of everyone.

 

Either way, I never like to suspect something based on just that evidence. I did get the general feeling though that, at least, he views me as a friend that he feels deserves an explanation of where he'd be (instead of class). I really don't understand why he shook my hand either...that was a bit strange. Of all the guy friends I've had (alot), we always do that stupid * * * slap (you know how it goes ).

 

Oh well...we'll see how Thursday works out.

[asdf77]

Thur update: I would really appreciate input if anybody has any.

 

Today was confusing...I'm at that point where I'd rather just know and get it over with than continue to have mixed signals. Well, actually the signals he gave me were quite clear, but I digress

 

I got into class a little late and he was already there. He said hey and I sat down and, again, I could see him watching me out of the corner of my eye quite a bit. Well, 45 minutes into class, I decided to go get lunch. Before I even entered the class, I told myself that today I would learn alot: if he follows, then there's something going on, whatever it may be. If he doesn't, then that should be a sign that last time (see post #1) was probably coincidence. So I leave the door and as I'm closing it I see him push his chair back a bit (like getting up) but he's not looking at me, so I just keep going downstairs. The whole way going down I get the feeling that I'm being followed, so when I finally get downstairs and am waiting in line, I watch the corner to see who comes around it. Sure enough, there he is. So I smiled a bit and we started talking. He stood really close too...which is new. So we get our food and are going back up, and on the 2nd floor I seem to lose him. He's stopped for some reason but I had kept going, so I stopped and waited. I don't know what he was doing (just stopped), but I kinda wish I had stopped with him to see what he was trying to do.

 

We get back in class and it's about over. I talked to him a bit during class and then at the end, but for some reason HE NEVER LEAVES CLASS AT THE SAME TIME AS ME. There wasn't even anyone left (that either of us know) and I kinda waited for him, but just eventually ended up leaving. I don't know if he was waiting to talk to the prof or what. So I leave the building and an old g/f stops me and starts talking. I see him walking towards me. DAMMIT! I really didn't want him to see me stopped talking to a girl, as I know how difficult it can be to "figure someone out" if he happens to be interested. We both acknowledge each other and he keeps going.

 

Then I did something bad...I could have been blissfully ignorant and thought he liked me, but I followed him for a minute to see just where he went after this class. I turn a corner and see him talking to a girl and they are walking into a building together (going to class, I assume). Probably not a good thing for me...

 

So I turned around and went to class, accepting defeat but then I started to think about it. He has seen me now twice with girls talking and walking w/ them in the same manner that I now saw him doing, but I wasn't dating them or interested in them. So, while it's a bit discouraging, I'm not going to discard everything else that seems to be positive signals.

 

Any input would be really helpful. I'm particularly wondering what people think about:

 

1) Why he waited until I went to go get lunch again.

2) Why he never ends up leaving class at the same time as me.

3) Does he sound interested so far?

 

Something just doesn't quite add up. I'm just going to keep on letting things flow and see what happens.

[mdog]

it does sound like he interested. Because i dont think i would wait for my friends at all. And just because he talks to girls doesnt mean he is Straight. im bi and i talk to mostly girls, she might just be a friend. Im kind of in the same boat as u there is this one guy (who i like) who i work with and i dont know if he is straight/gay/bi but anyway i think he looks at me all the time. I havent talked to him in a few weeks because he would get mad at me because i would say sumthin to him and he would be pissed on like saturday and then sunday i wouldnt talk to him and then he would be like so ur not going to talk to me? and he did this everyweekend, so i got tired of it.

[asdf77]

Thanks for your response. I agree a/b talking to girls not meaning he is necessarily interested. I really wish I'd watched him a little longer to see how he acted with her, but I just saw them talking and going to class.

 

The biggest thing to me I guess that makes me think he's interested is the fact that he's waited until I got up to get lunch twice now. I guess that's basically the only chance he's going to get to talk to me, so he takes it. The class is an hour and a half long, so it seems impossible for it be coincidental that he just happens to get up at the same time.

[Imaginary]

Well, usually when you just know something wasn't a coincidence most of the time you're right.

 

Anyway, have you (or anyone) mentioned any gay/bi related topics around him? Depending on his reaction you could get a clearer perception...

[asdf77]

imaginary - I haven't mentioned it.

 

I have a feeling he's somewhat liberal...today he showed up with blue highlights in his hair.

 

But no, I honestly don't know much a/b his political/personal preferences...so I guess I should bring it up. I'll just try to be subtle. The major problem in these sort of things is that I (and possibly he, if he is) are both secretive about our bisexuality. We both very much look and act the part of a straight guy, so it's incredibly hard to bring up issues without seeming gay to the other guy. If he doesn't know that I'm interested, he has to "play the game" just like me.

 

Object of the game: Find out if the other guy is interested in you without ever asking or indicating that you are interested.

 

Luckily, I've done this once before, and eventually, I'll get to the point where I don't give a s*** anymore and just say "What the hell, man?" Lol.

[asdf77]

I think I should add this...which I just remembered.

 

When I got into class today, the teacher was already teaching and he (the guy I like) said "hey" as I went to sit down. I kinda said hey back, but not very loudly so I wouldn't disturb the class. I also don't really give him a *big bright smile* right when I get in class b/c I don't want it to be incredibly obvious that I'm so happy to see him - at least not in front of the entire class.

 

Well, he said something and I turned around and said something back. For the first time, he looked annoyed and was like "what? what?" until I finally said it louder and he acknowledged it. It was really out of character for him, but as class went on and I continued to talk to him and stuff he went back to normal, really nice, really quick. Then, like I've said earlier, he followed me to get food....and so on. Same thing goes for at the end of class, when the teacher said there was some kind of presentation at the college tonight where we'd get extra credit. He asked if I was going and said he couldn't b/c he had work...and I just kinda laughed and said I'd pay someone to go for me and sign my name on the sign-in sheet.

 

But the more I think about, the more it seems like he's putting so much effort into this and I'm giving him crap. It seems like at the beginning of class, when I didn't say much (still trying to be "cool") he maybe got pissed. Maybe he is getting angry because he is as frustrated as I am. I'm just trying to do this right...but it seems like he's expecting me to show something in return. Although I'm definitely showing that I enjoy his presense, I'm not sure if it's time to go to the next step (move towards hanging out outside of school). I just don't want to screw things up by going too fast, so I'm very slow and steady, but does it sound like he's ready to move along?

 

I would have NO PROBLEM AT ALL with that, but after seeing him talk with that girl I would feel really stupid if I was wrong. I guess the next step is to find out a/b his personal life (g/f?) and we can go from there.

[asdf77]

Bump>>>>>>>>>>

[Tigris]

It's obvious to me what he's doing.

 

He doesn't want the rest of the class to know what he's upto so he's waiting until after you leave the classroom to join the queue for sandwhiches. Plus on the way back he didn't want everyone to know you walked into the class together so he waited so it wasn't as noticeable.

 

He's playing safe because he doesn't want to be bullied or be called names. I remember what that was like and I didn't even realise I was a lesbian then.

 

You need to start a conversation to find out what his hobbies are. If you have sport lessons together see if he's good at anything and then you can ask him if he enjoys that. He may enjoy music or play an instrument?

 

If you see a movie advertised you want to see mention it and he might say he was thinking of seeing that too. Ask him along. It's easier to ask questions out of school/college where it's private.

 

Good luck

[asdf77]

"He doesn't want the rest of the class to know what he's upto so he's waiting until after you leave the classroom to join the queue for sandwhiches."

 

Yeah...that's basically the biggest *signal* that's out of the ordinary from simple friends. I've thought of it and examined it in so many different ways. The way I see it, if he just wants to be friends (and isn't thinking of me at all in that way) why wouldn't he just get up when I do and walk outta class with me. But I can tell...he gives it like a minute so that I'm actually far enough ahead of him that it seems purely coincidental...like "oh I just happened to want some food right now too!" If he didn't really want to be friends (and was just actually hungry at that moment) he wouldn't have came downstairs with me and immediately struck up a conversation, in addition to standing closer than my friends ever do. The way we were standing in line, I really felt like a "couple," which was strange but revealing.

 

Like I said, the first time it happened, I gave him the benefit of the doubt (that it wasn't planned). The second time it happened (exactly the same way), I realized something was up.

 

Thanks for the advice Tigris. I am definitely going to kick it up a notch and make sure we talk alot Tuesday. I'm also going to find out (either by walking w/ him or following him) his relation to the girl. Like I've told myself, I like him alot, but the worst thing is not knowing. If he is straight, that's cool and I'd be glad just to be friends. If he's bi, then I'd obviously be happier but I don't want nothing to ever happen b/c we're both so self-conscious.

[Tigris]

mhmm. We'll both have a good laugh if it's his sister.

 

You could say, 'I saw you talking to a girl the other day, have you known her for long?'

 

Everything will be revealed on Tuesday.

 

Good luck.

[asdf77]

Haha...yeah, that'd be nice, but somehow I doubt it. If anything, she may just be a friend. Here's hoping.

 

So I had this idea...maybe a way of putting everything out in the open without actually saying a thing. On Tuesday (or Thursday, not sure yet), I will get up to get lunch as usual but when I close the door, I'll duck and go the opposite direction instead of going down the stairs. If and when he comes out into the hallway to go downstairs to follow me, I'll sneak up behind him and kinda grab him from behind - wrap my arms around his torso.

 

I'm not sure if that'd be too forward. I've had friends (true friends, not interested in relationships) do that to me before just to freak me out, and I didn't think too much of it. But in this case, if he's feeling something, maybe it would be enough of a confrontation to say something through action (and to see his reaction). If he is offended by it, I'll say I was just trying to scare him, and I'll also realize that he doesn't think of me in that way.

 

The fact that I wait for and surprise him would show him that I realize what he's doing (following me every day) and would be the first time we'll have really touched (although he did shake my hand for too long one time before, we've never actually touched - like a handslap or whatever I usually do with my friends).

 

Does that sound like a good idea for Tuesday (or at all), or should I wait and make sure that girl's not his g/f?

[Imaginary]

I'm all for thinking and doing plans, but maybe you could keep that under your sleeve for a while. I think that first you should try talking more to him, not just about the girl, but also getting together outside of school... if for some reason you can't, well, then you have your plan.

 

EDIT: But it does sound like a good plan...

[Tigris]

I think it's a good idea if your mates have done it to you before. Don't forget it is going to be Halloween/Trick or Treat on 31st October. That should give you another excuse.

 

If you've got younger brothers and sisters, or nephews and neices you could say that you were using him as a 'guinea pig' to see if the idea would work.

 

I can't wait to find out what happens.

 

Good luck

[Imaginary]

I think it's a good idea if your mates have done it to you before. Don't forget it is going to be Halloween/Trick or Treat on 31st October. That should give you another excuse.

 

Well, if he does it on Halloween then that gives him a week...

[asdf77]

Thx for the responses. You are all so quick!

 

Imaginary, I'm probably going to take your advice then and wait till Thursday to do it...I'll just see how the day goes.

 

I'll spend Tuesday talking to him some more and finding out if that's his g/f...

 

Tigris - yeah, actually the first guy I ever liked (who was a really good friend and pretty much the most popular guy in our high school) came up to me from behind and grabbed my chest and "rubbed me down" in front of my other close friends...I didn't even pay any attention to it when I realized it was him. So I don't really think it'd be that big of a deal...guess I'll find out when I actually do it.

 

It seems like, more than anything, we need some sort of physical contact - however innocent it may be. Like I said, we've only touched once (handshake) which, even for friends, is strange. I sense some sort of fear between the two of us - that if we touch each other too much, we'll be giving away too much. I've had friends before come up and put their arm around me as well or pat me on the shoulder...so I may consider doing that (but he's a bit taller ). Any other ideas?

[Tigris]

Pat him on the back and say 'Hi, how're you doing?' or something like that.

 

Good luck.

[asdf77]

OMG...please someone respond if you're online and see this. I see him tomorrow.

 

I was just surfing link removed and amazingly, out of the millions of profiles, I found his. He has a ton of pictures so I know it's him.

 

Orientation: Not Sure

 

What should I do now? Everything is really starting to add up.

[Tigris]

Tell him you saw his profile on myspace and give him all the positive vibes and see how he reacts.

 

Good luck

[omgroman]

Mind if I check out his myspace page? I wanna see what this guy looks like now.

[Imaginary]

I would see it as an open door... if he was fully straight he would have just put "straight". Then again, maybe he is indeed questioning himself a lot and isn't ready for a relationship or anything.

 

But I think it would be safe to come out.

[asdf77]

To those that have been helping me out: thanks. Here is his myspace link if you can decipher anything else from it:

 

link removed

 

He's the guy on the right in the main photo.

 

From it, I've basically learned that he's "not sure" about himself (better than just plain straight) and, after looking over it a bit, he's had several girlfriends (like myself) and it looks like he really liked a friend (Dave) and they may have done stuff, but that guy eventually told him no. I checked out Dave's profile and it says straight...so yeah, he sounds very familiar to me (who also told a friend I liked him and was rejected).

 

Ok...so I am going to explain how today went: Pretty bad.

 

I got into class and he didn't show up till like 10 minutes after it started. I was so nervous...I was really planning on letting him know if he followed. B/c I was so nervous, I didn't say hey or anything (didn't acknowledge him) and just sat there looking forward. I finally got up to go get lunch, hoping he would follow one more time so I could tell him, but he didn't! I waited for awhile and he never came. So I got back in class and waited till the end. Then, when class was over, it seemed like he tried to not leave at the same time as me, so even though I tried to wait, I left before him.

 

As I left, I walked really slowly. I was pretty sad/pissed. Well, he catches up with me (and I kinda slowed down into him) and we start talking. So we walk around talking for about 10 minutes:

 

During that time, we walked to a building (I was following him basically) and when we got there, to make it look like I wasn't following, I said bye and went into the bookstore. I went into the bookstore but curiosity and longing got the best of me, so I came back out into the main room and saw him talking to some people by a computer. I went and talked to him for a few minutes...then he said he was going to go get something from the cafeteria (nearby). He kinda seemed like he was walking slowly (maybe wondering if I'd come) but I didn't at first. So he goes over there and I started talking and laughing with this girl we both know. Then I got annoyed again and followed him into the cafeteria and we talked for a minute. So we both walk upstairs and keep talking about random stuff, then I find out he doesn't even have a class in this building - just comes over to see if he sees any friends.

 

So I also know now that he doesn't have a girlfriend.

 

So we keep walking upstairs and walk out onto the 2nd story walkway. We keep talking...he seemed kinda distant. There's a fork in the path, but he keeps going my way. I open the door into the next building and my class is there, so we talk for a few more minutes and then I go into class.

 

That was it. Be back to finish this post...