I feel like I’ve hit a wall

[desertnomad]

It's been four months since my ex of four years ran off with another guy from the internet. I have managed to make some new acquaintances, keep busy, and move (almost) but now I feel like my life is going nowhere.

 

I still don't have any close friends or friends at all for that matter and feel myself becoming more and more isolated as if I just want to be a hermit and give everything else up. I take long hikes on my days off and it's just me and the rattlesnakes I run accross.

 

I loved her like nobody else and it hurts to know she is still with that other guy even though it is a ldr mostly and they have had some problems. She treats me like an acquaintance when we do talk by email.

 

I know I shouldn't talk to her at all and for the most part she has been banned from my universe after what she did but sometimes we do have to talk about common bills we still have. I really want to talk to her about other things but I don't for the most part. I counted on her. She was my world for 4years. Is that all four years of hard work gets you-an acquaintance?? I really dont see a future anymore for myself. ](*,)

[LeftBehind]

I'm right there with you. I initiated NC 4 months ago, and I saw her driving a couple days ago. Everything from June came flooding back, and I almost made the mistake of breaking NC.

 

I thought I had moved on, and was actually doing quite well...

 

I'm been kinda moping all day. I don't have alot of friends either, while she has LOTS of them. So she has a great support system. I don't have one at all.

 

I'm still light years ahead of where I was in June. But I feel pretty "blah" today.

 

I still miss her like crazy. I really thought she was it......

[Chibby33]

Terribly sorry to hear about your grief Desert. I think it's a lot harder to cope in your situation because you were replaced while the relationship still existed. Hopefully once you get your bills squared away you can stay away from being acquaintances - maybe that will help start your healing process. I'm not an expert but I've been on this road so many times - I think the reason why you posted your feelings here is because you have the desire to heal; embrace that idea and that will lead you to a brighter and better future for yourself.

 

You may have heard of this so many times but hang in there. We all are.

[RichieR123]

I am no expert, but I will give you advice that I've been told and that has worked for me. You already have and know the jist of it, so sorry if you've heard this a million times.

 

First, it is much much easier to get over her with distance. You just have to not communicate with her no matter what. You have to split those bills or do something similar. Every time you think of her, its going to drive you to the emotions you are explaining now. So advice #1, do everything you can to not have to speak/contact her for a long time. And I'm telling you, this is very important. Everytime you talk with her, your mind is trying to hold on, and thats not going to help you getting over her.

 

Second, it can take up to (and over in rare cases) a year to actually get 'over' someone. ESPECIALLY if you don't distance yourself. I know you don't want to, but if you want to move on, and stop feeling like you want to be a hermit, you've got to do it.

 

Meeting new friends and keeping busy are also helpful, but nothing can beat you just keeping your distance. She will always be in your mind, but after a while you won't think about it as much, and when you arn't thinking about it as much, you'll start to get over her, and then that's when making new friends and keeping busy REALLY helps.

[desertnomad]

Thanks LB and Chibby. Your right LB its hard without a support system. I think in some ways at least sometimes women are better off with that then us. Light years ahead here to but light years to go still.

 

Your so right Chibby. I do have that desire to heal and move on but it seems that life does not make it easy when your down to get back up.

[Chibby33]

You are absolutely correct Desert - it's easier said than done especially when at this moment you probably have no room for any other form of feeling besides sadness. I'll be honest with you, it is hard, almost pure torture to go through the stages of healing. All of us in this forum have no other choice but to go through these stages. However your advantage is that you have a great support team here and it's not cliche when we say "we know how you feel." We'll beat this Desert!

[Blane151211]

I'm sorry to hear that you're still hurting so bad.

 

Like Chibby said, it is easier said than done. I too, am going through the same thing just like lots of forumers here. It's a roller coaster ride. I felt so down for more than 3 days.... that includes last weekend and early part of the week. I almost, almost really broke NC that time. In my mind, I've been constructing words to say to my ex. I planned of either calling him or texting him. But then, instead of contacting my ex, I logged in to this site... read a lot of threads... and PM friends I met here. I'm glad I didn't break NC. As of now, I've been doing good... but trust me, I am a little bit scared that one of these days, I'll be down again.

 

I still miss my ex... I still think of him... but NC has helped me a lot.

[desertnomad]

thanks for your comments richie and blane

Im just wondering where does final acceptance come from that she is never coming back and there is no chance of reconciliation. Part of me still wants to hear those words from her that she is sorry. I know this is irrational and will never happen. I like alot of others still find it hard to grasp that someone you loved so much and had so many happy moments with and future plans will just take off out of the blue and never look back.

[kath123]

i think if everyone is truthful they all dream about a reconciliation with their ex, but think about it realistically,would you ever be as happy again even if it did happen,could you ever forget the hurt and pain they caused you,and surely you would spend the rest of your time together wondering if and when it would happen all over again. This thought alone should be enough to put you the crazy notion of getting back together. Im a fine one to talk though as i am very early into my own breakup, however as much as i would love things to be as they were before i know they could never ever be because in between then and now my heart has been broken and the person i loved with all my heart did this to me, and this is a fact that cannot be changed, so how could things ever be the same again!!

[desertnomad]

well thats the thing kath, if I thought about it realistically like you say then no theres no way ... but part of me wants to hang onto some romantic hope and say lets get to that point first of reconciliation and then we will cross that bridge of trust when it gets here.

 

But theres no hope at all and its ancient history now after 4 months. Just sometimes I am still here hanging onto what we had or thought we had and still trying to make it work out in some way. I guess thats a bad sign in itself that I was so focused on making something work.

 

Just gonna have to find a way to totally let go. Part of it is the comfort of what I did have versus the uncertainty of a scary future...again. I leaned on her but she turned out to be just a pillar of sand.

[kath123]

i dont think its a bad thing that you were so focused on trying to make it work i think that shows you are a loyal loving person, but the fact remains two people have to believe that it can work, and both our cases our partners did not share this belief. If in the future i ever get into another releationship i hope and pray that it will just WORK without the need for too much focus and "making it work" then i will know im with the right person!