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I'm so confused..


ChandaSurya
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My friend and I hold hands and act extremely affectionately around eachother. But even though I am an active participant, I am still confused about it all. Are we just being friends or does he think it's something else? I don't even know what I want. I'm 19. He's 31. But in many ways he seems way younger. My English and Nepali are good. His english is just a little bit worse than his Nepali (which isn't bad), but his native language is Tibetan. So there's a sort of language barrier sometimes, but despite that we talk a lot all the time. I call him "daju," which is like older brother, and he calls me "bahini," which is younger sister, but the way we act together doesn't suggest just a sibling relationship! We just really like to be around eachother. It's almost like we had a relationship in a past life!

 

When is the friend boundary crossed? I'm so confused. I don't know what he wants! And I'm so much younger than he is. I feel like society is going to judge me.

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I have some very close male friendships and I have been in your position in the past, although without the age difference.

 

The first thing that comes to mind is that you need to take some time, and space maybe to think through the friendship you have and work out what it is that you really want from him. Do you wish he was your boyfriend or are you happy with the friendship being more like a brother/sister relationship? How does the affection and physical contact fit into that and how would you finding a boyfriend work alongside the friendship? Would it be ok to have a boyfriend and still continue the level of affection you have with this friend?

Or maybe you actually do want more from him, a relationship, but that there are a lot of concerns and fears in your mind.

 

Then, you need to try and talk to your friend openly about the decision you've reached, ask how he feels and try to work it through together.

 

I don't think there is anything wrong with the friendship as it is, as long as both of you have really thought through and been honest about what you want from each other and considered how it would affect other relationships that you might develop.

 

Hope this helps ...

Thinking of you.

little red

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I'm like that with a friend of mine but I've thought nothing of it because I'm already terribly in love with my wonderful boyfriend who I'd never dream about leaving.

 

I think it is natural to have strong connections with male friends, holding hand etc can be very casual, just a way to show each other that you're looking out for each other etc etc.

 

Although if you are really feeling something for him, something a bit more than friends I suggest you tell him, maybe he may feel the same way, you'll never know unless you try.

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I have and have had many male friends as friends. A few have turned into big brother/little sister relationships.

 

I agree with Babydoll... sometimes holding hands can be a protective gesture by a friend depending on the circumstance. If we were walking through a crowded concert lets say. Or.. holding hands could be just a loving caring gesture, if I were feeling down and we were talking about something that is hurting me.

 

I'm affectionate with my friends. Always have been. We greet each other with a hug and kiss.. .and we part the same way. I've always been this way... and its just the way I am.

 

Sexual tension? you pretty much know quickly if there is a sexual tension on their part. You can feel it as something intangible on the air. At some point that tension needs to be addressed. Usually someone will bust a move when the tension gets high enough... and thats when I will usually

have the ... "I love you but only as a friend" conversation. lol.

 

Every culture is different so I can't say if your 19 to his 31 years would be considered much of a tabu. You are fairly young and from where I sit... Yes, I would say stick closer to your own age. There is so much for you to experience yet and at your own pace. I think sometimes when there is a may / decemeber relationship... the older person wants the younger one to CATCH up quickly. And if you do that.... you will miss the beautiful Spring time flowers and all the wonders of spring.

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Most of my friends are male. My two closest friends in the world are male. In fact I have very few friends who are female as women have a tendency to dislike me.

 

I am very close with my best friend, for example, if I'm feeling tired or sad he will put his arm around me or let me lay in his lap and toy with my hair. I give him hugs and kiss him on the cheek when I greet him always. Some people might view this as inappropriate but, there is really nothing sexual going on here. In fact, the thought of sleeping with him weirds me out. Anyways, we are affectionate towards each other just as I would assume I would be affectionate towards a female friend (hold hands etc.) My boyfriend is never bothered by this because he can sense that there is no threat. My other male friends I'm moderately affectionate with, but I'm not as close to them (my best friend and I have known each other 10 years)

 

I see nothing wrong with your relationship, but if you feel you are developing an interest in him beyond friendship (ie sex is on your mind) I would talk to him about it. Who knows though, maybe something will "just happen" and you both will find out how you feel. Good luck!

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