Can someone tell me the stages you go through after being dumped?

[flooglebinder]

Can anyone tell me what stages you go through after being dumped?

I just want to know where I'm at and what I've got to look forward to. I've felt different the last couple of days. Before it was very much thinking of her as a great loss (which it still is) but now I don't know if its anger I feel, like I'm starting to think well its her loss, that its her that has a problem, that I was being used and she is selfish.

 

Is this normal? I'm just a little confused.

[rose2summer]

You go through the Kubler-Ross grief stages:

 

1) Denial

2) Anger

3) Bargaining

4) Grieving

5) Acceptance

 

The stages do not necessarily occur in this order and more than one stage can be present at a time.

 

You may still be at the anger stage and just projecting it onto her, such as blaming her.

 

Once you stop blaming, you move onto bargaining or acceptance, depending on your level of emotional involvement.

 

Each and every day will get brighter and better.

 

Hugs, Rose

[arwen]

Hey floogle!

 

It's perfectly normal. I went through one terrible break up a few years ago. Actually that guy and I broke up 2 times. Not a good idea to get back together if nothing changes!

 

My stages:

 

1. terrible pain, feeling like my heart was ripped out. No sleep, no appetite, weightloss, depression, crying, every random thing reminding me of him, the whole package. That lasted for 3 months the first time around. It was my father who said to me that I should be angry for what he did instead of sad. That was a wise lesson. He also told me to use anger in a positive way. Ok, next stage:

2. anger. Anger, contrary to sadness and pain, can be a very powerful emotion. You just have to use it wisely. I'd recommend not to use this energy to make up some revenge plan or contact the ex with some lie that you are involved with someone great. I used it to work out, start competitive swimming and meeting new people. I would still be in pain though from time to time.

3. starting to live an independent life. I started to notice that I could laugh and not think about the break up once in a while. I started to go into town, although I was sooo scared of running into him. Finally, I did run into him, ignored him and survived.

4. moving on. Starting to date a bit, and accepting that it was over. This still made me sad, but there was peace.

5. closure. That happened very late. In fact it took me two years to get from 1. to 5. I have had relationships in between, but didn't know until I met him for a coffee the last time, that I really was OVER him. He was history, and I couldn't see him with the same eyes anymore. He was just a person that was no part of my life anymore. Great feeling. I have decided to cut off all contact since then.

 

I think you will appreciate the following post:

 

 

 

Take care and don't worry. It WILL get better!

 

Ilse

[flooglebinder]

Thanks for your comments, I'm trying really hard to understand my position, I am only angry at what she has done (2nd time) and why she did it again, overnight.

 

But I am seeing her in a different light today. which is good isnt it?

 

It seems a common thing that sundays and mornings are a terrible time - its the same for me.

 

It sounds like it will be a long road, I went down it for 8months with her last time, but cant remember too much about how I felt - kind of blocked it out.

 

But my main point it that I FEEL DIFFERENT TODAY. and that has planted a very tiny seed of hope for myself. I hope it grows.

[psu11]

the stages rose2summer mentions are the general stages felt after a break up, you can experience all or some in varying orders. its def a good scale to go by to assess your own feelings

 

my stages after the break up was:

1. acceptance: i accepted his decisions to end our relationship and gave him the space he asked for because i respected him, i didnt beg for him to return or bargin to mend our relationship partly because the last thing i said before he broke up with me was..."is there anything we as a couple could do to fix what your feeling?" and since he said "no" i left it at that after the relationship was over

 

2. sadness: the first two weeks i was extremely upset. i missed my buddy...the phonecalls, going out to dinner etc, and i missed the availabilty of having him around on all levels. (i would say part of me is still in this stage)

 

3. indifference: i seen him about two weeks after he broke up with me at a mutual friends place. i felt no desire to talk about our past, i didnt feel upset or happy...i made small talk with him, but my emotions were pretty numb

 

4. anger: i became angry after my feelings matured. after having time to think about the reasons for the break up, i come to determine how selfish his motives really were. i think the only aspect of this break up that was unselfish was the fact that he didnt string me along, and he talked to me face to face. (this phase started about 2 weeks ago)

 

5. acceptance: i mention this twice because within this past month, i have a new found acceptance. and this is acceptance for myself. i am coming to terms with my life as a single woman, accepting the fact that i was a great girlfrirend and someone someday will appreciate all the qualities i have to offer. this is also a certain acceptance that me and my ex will never be friends. from the moment we met there was always chemistry, and i know that if he doesnt want to have a romantic relationship, than im better off not having him in my life at all because keeping him around as my friend would be keeping myself in second place.

 

hope this helped!!

best of luck to you

[flooglebinder]

Thanks psu,

 

its been probably 5 weeks since the break up, I havent spoken to her since then, I've not tryed to contact her tho she has contacted me thru email, IM and txt - at one stage everyday for over a week. But I have found myself not wanting to know anything she has been upto but shes been asking me what Im up to. At first I thought she was interested but now I've accepted that she was just lonely and wanted someone to txt. I dont look at my phone anymore, I dont expect anything and have come off IM for a while. I'm adjusting to single life slowly, started making plans to do things, which I never did, I used to let other people invite me out. So I see a little improvement in my position.

Only one problem - I have a nagging feeling she will contact me again, for whatever reason and I dont know how I'll react.