Depression affecting career

[olderbutnotwiser]

I have a problem - I have taken medication for depression for almost six years. The therapy and mental health system where I live is so overwhelmed that they are not taking new patients so I really feel stuck.

 

I'm 50 years old and have bills to pay, food to buy, etc. and have nothing saved toward retirement. When I get a new job, I do great for a few months and then I start calling in - this has been a pattern all my life. I get a lot of questions in interviews as to why such short term employment but I cover by making something up (in effect, lying).

 

It's frustrating to never be happy with anything I do and yet, I have all the potential in the world. I'm college educated though I have no degree (another thing I never finished), I'm healthy, strong and independent. I live alone so I don't have to answer to anyone (except my controlling, overbearing sister who is very judgemental and critical) and I spend most of my time isolated because I have no friends that I can trust. I avoid talking to my sister because of her criticism and opinion (even though she's not had to work for the last 20 something years). Her alcoholic husband works his butt off so she can stay home and spend money sending me on errands and watching TV. In a way, I'm envious because I've never had anyone who was willing or our household situation wasn't in a condition to allow me to stay home. When I really think about it, I think that's what I desire (my Mom never had to work either) but staying home drives me crazy too and there's no extra money to do things so here we go again.

 

I'm in a semi-panic mode right now because I haven't gone to work in over a week and was supposed to start a temp job (which are few and far between) this morning, but didn't show up because it's yet another job in retail (which I hate) and I'm looking for administrative work (at least I think I am). My skills are strong and my attitude in interviews and first impressions are great; my motivation sucks.

 

Where do I go from here?

[Lunabelle]

Where would you like to go?

 

Don't waste energy in a panic.

 

Just make a plan. Follow it through.

 

It's okay if it doesn't work exactly as planned. Plans are made to be tried, edited, re-written, tried again.

 

Put that panic energy into making a positive decision for yourself.

 

Let it motivate you, not smother you. Let it guide you into something better.

[Lunabelle]

This sister relationship sounds a bit toxic. Perhaps some distance from her is in order. She must like having you around -- since she is not required to earn her own way in life, she can feel in a "one up" position to you. That puts you in the down side. Why are you around her if you feel she is controlling and critical? Do you feel obligated?

[Lunabelle]

In my completely unprofessional opinion, you are choosing to fail in your work because you feel so incredibly ambivilent about the work.

 

It doesn't excite you, nor do you feel any pride in doing it.

 

You also appear to have a lot of mixed feelings about being required to support yourself. Please don't be hurt, but in my opinion the sooner you get over this, the happier you will be.

 

You're an adult, with a college degree. You need to support yourself, you need to work at a job you enjoy. Your obligation to yourself is to research this, then make an honest effort at finding that work.

 

I have suffered from years of depression and years of the exact job situations you describe. I could not change this until I decided it was more painful to keep doing this, than it would be to change.

 

I was tired of being broke. Solution: Get a better-paying job. Just do it. Let nothing stand in your way. If I did it, anybody can! You can too!

 

I became more successful and happier at work once I decided I was going to commit to that. I did that because I wasn't getting a lot of satisfaction out of my home life. But it has paid off for me in so many way. But it does take effort.

 

You can do this. Many people do, and you can too.

[olderbutnotwiser]

To be hones Lunabelle, I don't know where I want to go. Perhaps if I knew that, I wouldn't be so stressed out and worried about becoming homeless - even that doesn't seem to keep me motivated.

 

The sister relationship is toxic but she is the only family I have left. I know sometimes it's better to not have family around if they are toxic, but there are alot of good things between us as well. I seem to focus more on the bad because it sticks with me - my mother was very much the same way.

 

I have given a great deal of thought about moving back to AZ, where I lived most of my life, but the financial situation just doesn't warrant it. I just don't know what to do because when I set a goal (even a very short term one), I cannot seem to keep focused enough to accomplish it, regardless of how it will affect me.

[Lunabelle]

You are in a tight spot, but you are not alone.

 

It is okay to start very, very small. Just a little babystep each day.

 

Sometimes I have to affect my own attitude adjustment and simply decide to feel differently about something. It takes enormous effort. As far as I can tell, most of life does. It seems kind of dumb to fight that fact. I have been more successful/happier when I accepted certain facts and dealt with them, instead of objecting to them and fighting against them. Like having to work for a living. If you've gotta do it (and we ALL do!) make the best out of it that you can.

 

It's okay that you're not there yet. You're not behind. Just start where ever you are.

 

Spend 15 minutes today doing something positive for yourself. What could it be?

[Lunabelle]

I have given a great deal of thought about moving back to AZ.

 

Moving can be helpful, but you take your problems with you as a general rule.

 

You will have to live your life differently in order to change the things you don't like. What could you do differently if you lived in AZ?

[olderbutnotwiser]

Thank you so much for your thoughts and input.

 

In some aspects you are right - I am confused about having to support myself because I really don't know how. I read all kinds of self-help books, money management books, taken classes, and started budgets but never complete them. I rarely (if ever) finish anything I start. I finish the books, but don't follow through with the application of the methods learned.

 

I wish I could say I have a college degree, but I never finished that either. I do have plans to go back to school in the Spring and I'm hoping that will decrease the motivation problem. When I was in school before (only 10 years ago), I was happier than I've ever been before and then I was a single mom attending school full-time, working part-time, and supporting two kids under 10 so I know I'm capable of doing things right. I was an honor student and loved the commendation I received but then I got involved in an online relationship that never flourished and dropped out to move to another state.

 

As for getting a better paying job, I have had jobs that have paid a great deal (in Arizona) and ruined those as well. In this town, if you want a higher paying job, you have to be in management or already have had the position for more than five years. There are only two large corporations here and the rest is retail, fast food and mom and pop shops that pay just above minimum wage so my only alternative might be to move. The temp agencies pay better but there are so few jobs and so many people to fill them that the competition is very tough.

 

I know it sounds like I'm just making a lot of excuses and maybe I am. I will be the first to admit that I'm lazy and don't like having to work to live. I'm not afraid of working though and when I am, I'm hard working. I just can't seem to break this stupid pattern that has haunted me for years. I feel as if I need someone to hold my hand and guide me through life.

[olderbutnotwiser]

Again, you are right. If I moved, I would take the problems with me because I had them when I lived there before.

 

It is much more painful to keep doing this than it is to change it. I know that because I had changed for a few years once. I have lost that person though and don't know how to find her again. I had strict guidance during that time as well so again, if there's someone to hold my hand through it, I can achieve anything.

 

I hate being broke! I am not only broke but I'm feeling bankrupt - financially, mentally, spiritually, emotionally, and any other way there is to feel this way. It's almost to the point where I just don't see the point in even trying any more. I'm tired of trying and failing and I'm tired of getting my hopes up and letting myself down. I don't know who I am any more. I sought religion but my faith isn't strong enough - I want instant gratification and I know it cannot and will not be that way. My strength is dwindling away as I waste my time complaining and not doing anything about the situation.

 

Sorry to babble endlessly but it really is therapeutic and it helps to have another perspective. I appreciate you being here!

[talo]

I just can't seem to break this stupid pattern that has haunted me for years. I feel as if I need someone to hold my hand and guide me through life.

 

Is this the pattern? That you do not want to take responsibility for your own 'life package'; that you think you need to rely on someone else; that you have not realised your own capacity to create.

 

You are creating 'what you do not want' by doing what you 'do not want'. This has nothing to do with where you are physically, or what you are doing physically, but where you are, and what you are doing, mentally. One is where one wants to be by not being where one does not want to be in one's mind.

 

One does not want to be in a state (panic). One learns not to be in a state by watching one's feelings, by closely following one's feeling, by expressing feelings (here if necessary) before they become feeling states. Ie before one gets in a state.

 

Expressing feelings is all we are doing here, and if done often enough and truthfully enough, one becomes (realises one is) happy (contented) enough.

 

One is either happy (contented) with one's 'whole life package', which is really only what one has 'wrapped up in ones mind', or not. If one is not contented with this package one can always unwrap it and rewrap it in a lighter package

[olderbutnotwiser]

You are creating 'what you do not want' by doing what you 'do not want'.

 

This is exactly true and I've known that for a quite some time. It is beyond me why I resist positive change in my life and choose the negative change. I have read that some people can become addicted to 'unhappiness' and the description fits but again, I'm resorting to labeling myself, thereforeeee making myself unworthy of good things in life.

 

I'm on a tangent right now to improve at least one thing about myself each day, regardless of how minimal it might be and see where that takes me. If nothing else, perhaps I will accomplish something. There is a lot of work to be done and with the right tools and the right attitude, things will progress.

 

One of my favorite quotes from way back is "The only thing you get from sitting on the pity pot is rings around your * * * * *." How true, how true.

 

Thanks for the input