the way it is

[popular_lie]

How did I get here? I am twenty one and I have nothing. I am in about 20,000 worth of debt (probably worse) I am a waster, a floater, I don't think about the consequences apart form the immediate gain. I won't get credit or even a bank card for at least seven years. I expect understanding when it makes no sense for people to understand.

 

I am clever, bright, witty, I have a lot of love in my heart and a real sense of empathy, I see past the norm and past the facade of a happy life. I am turning into one of those people I always laughed at. I have messed up my education -- I have dropped out of university three times (three * * * *ing times) and I let it happen. It's like I go into this horrible mode for a while where it doesn't matter about next week, living for today has turned today into a hell.

 

I am gay, that has been hard, but I can't use that excuse anymore for anything. The man I love can never love me back, I don't want anyone else even though I have been waiting to meet somebody who can bring me some joy. All I do with my love is push him away. I smoke too much weed, a fact I have recognised --- but escaping like that has only prolonged my utter confusion. I hate my body, I am too thin even though I have no problem with food.

 

I have tried to improve myself so many times but I still can't imagine the thought that anybody would want me, not truly, they will find out. They will find out that I have been working as a prostitute (not full sex thank god) once a week just to make some money and enjoy myself for one day out of seven. Most of my friends would never guess such a thing. They don't know what it's like to have to keep up this persona, this happy guy, this friendly face with bright eyes and an eager smile.

 

I have to get a job now but where will that lead? I have lost all of my independance. I am flakey. I've been put on medication for my anxiety (even though I'm very social) and to slow my heart down (I have hypertension).

 

There is too much wrong in my life to ever fix it. My parents are so let down that their brightest child has come to this. I am popular but I am a popular lie. To be honest, I can't take much more of this, but I would never consider suicide. I just can't take anymore. I don't want this life. I don't deserve the chances I have had, the family, the money, the support, all wasted. It's just all such a terrible waste.

[HealingHandsWarmHeart]

Hi Popular..

 

In our own way ..we all put the happy face on. But everyone has problems and issues behind the scenes.

 

I honestly think that you have just gotten to a point where you feel so down about yourself that you feel hopeless.

 

Where will a job lead? I personally think that getting a job will give you a sense of pride, accomplishment, something to feel responsible for and a way to pay off some of that debt.

 

Put away the bong..and get focused on your future... make yourself proud.

[mykeyg]

I have to be completely honest, no-one can live such an extravagant lie so convincingly unless the elements of the lie are something they truly posses. I think you truly have the ability to genuinely be the person you think you shouldn't be but you have let a lot of very obvious failures dampen your spirit and give you what is cleary a very serious case of depression. To be honest there is nothing in my view to suggest that your life is unfixable. Lets look at it carefully and remember this is coming from someone who was in a situation not too unlike yours.

 

College: Ok you failed college three times but the fact that you kept going back shows ambition you just get into a rut where you live for the day and sod next week. College councilors are there to provide support, courses on empowerment are readily available. If college isn't your thing then there are other shorter courses out there that will help you find decent employment until you decide in a few years to take college seriously.

 

You're gay: Even in what's is still a close minded world the gay community is huge and there is plenty support out there. I would say one thing, don't wait for someone to bring happiness, if your hapiness is dependant on someone else then if they evr leave your happiness will be gone. Your hapiness is all about how you feel about yourself not what someone else thinks of you.

 

You've tried to improve yourself: Afraid of what your friends will think is bull * * * *, if you truly felt in your heart that they were real friends you wouldn't feel so strongly about living a lie for THEM. Even if they discard you there are many out there who will embrace you. The prostitution MUST stop since all it seems to be doing is weakening your resolve.

 

Your parents are let down: Do you think that is because you appear to be allowing your situation to get the better of you. What I mean is if you spoke to them and showed that you really want to make a positive go of your life would they perhaps be willing to help you financially. I'll be honest I come from a working class family and while it is a lot of money there are people in worse situations than you financially. Tell them this is one of the biggest obsticles you face.

 

I think you might be seeing the barriers to happiness as more unscalable than they are. Your first step is to begin thinking positively, convince yourself you can do better even when the chips are right down. Give the weed up for a while so that you can start to think more clearly. Asking your parents for rehab assistance might be the first step in showing them you want to care. But most importantly STOP LOOKING AT THE BIGGER PICTURE, take your problems one step at a time. Write them done in order of importance and then seperatly tackle each one assessing what needs to be done to deal with them. Be realistic if you're struggling with issues that's completely normal just keep a positive mind.

[BellaDonna]

Hi there and welcome to enotalone.

 

Debt, lack of direction in life, family hardships- those are all things that you can heal from.

 

What worries me the most about what you wrote was the fact that you are prostituting yourself. If you ever want to improve your life, you have to stop that immediately. You are putting your mind, body, and soul at so much risk. It must be terrible for your self-esteem. Also, even though you are not having "full sex", your health is in great danger. You could easily contract many diseases from oral sex. Prostitutes are often the victims of violent crimes. You could be killed.

 

You need to talk to professional in debt consolidation that can help you break your debt into manageable monthly payments. You need to focus on getting a job that is legal and safe. If you need to work 2 jobs to make ends meet, then so be it. Make them legal jobs. It certainly has to be better than giving your dignity away like that.

 

If you keep this up, you're going to have an even harder time having a healthy relationship. You will feel low and used up, and even if the right person came knocking at your door, you'd turn them away because you'd believe that you do not deserve their love. You need to take control of your life and stop these destructive habits. You need to learn to love yourself and do things to make you proud of the person you are.

 

What you're doing right now is going to bring you nowhere fast. Once you get involved in this kind of lifestyle with drugs and prostitution, the next step could be prison, a disease, or worse. You are putting yourself in grave danger.

 

It's time to take control now. If your family is not supportive, perhaps professional mental health counseling is something you should consider. Medication alone will not solve your problems.

 

I hope you will have the courage to make some major changes in your life. You are the only one that has the power to make those changes,

 

BellaDonna

[jaiva]

You are not a waste. Nobody is a waste. You have only learned what does not work. Now that you know what does not work you can try new things to see what does work. Just don't continue to do the things that you have been doing because it will get you exactly where you are.

 

Don't go back to school (university) just yet, because apparently that is not for you. Try a trade school or something. That way you have to spend less time there and you can get a job from it. However you have to make sure that it is something that you like to do.

 

Marijuana is not something that is for your advantage. It kills brain cells, it makes you tired and lazy; you can't be productive if you continue to smoke.

 

Just try new things. Learn from your mistakes and try not to repeat them again.

 

it increases your face value.

 

Jaiva